Secondhand

Austin and I had shared a simple, chaste kiss before turning out the bedroom lights. Even though the gesture wasn't much, I could still feel butterflies racing around in my stomach. Well, maybe butterflies is inaccurate. It felt a lot stronger than a bunch of lousy old butterflies.

Austin's touch was really like no other. He had a certain roughness that hid itself inside a more gentle demeanor and it ebbed from him to me whenever our skin came in to contact. As cruel and harsh as he had been when we first met, I never imagined that he would make me feel the way that I do.

Thinking about every event that's led me to be in this brilliant boy's bed, I had to stop to wonder what it was he saw in me. I'm nothing special, not by any standards. When compared to Austin, he is the Mona Lisa and I'm a kindergarten art project. He is a work of art. With his chiseled features that held just the right amount of softness to feel welcoming and loving, he had not a single flaw. As far as I was concerned, he was perfect.

These thoughts sent me on a rampage of wondering. I should be so incredibly happy here with Austin. He's quite literally the man of my dreams. Yet, I am still sad. No, not sad. Numb is more like it. I feel hollowed out, just empty. I didn't know why. I let out a deep sigh without really realizing it.

"What's wrong?" came a whisper in the darkness.

I jumped slightly at the sudden noise and Austin laid a protective and comforting arm over me. He proceeded to push my shirt hem slightly up before rubbing at the exposed skin that stretched out over my hip bone.

"I don't know," I said honestly.

"What are you feeling then?"

"Numb. Empty. Sad, I guess. I don't know why. I shouldn't be."

He snuggled closer to me and put his arms around my torso, keeping me close to him. He then sat up, leaning against the wall and waited expectantly for me to do the same. Once I was upright, he motioned for me to sit closer to him. I quickly obliged, loving being in his arms, and he chuckled a bit at my eagerness.

He draped a long arm around my shoulders and I put my head on his chest before tangling our legs together. He giggled again and I smiled slightly.

"You sound like such a girl when you laugh like that."

"Do not!" He defended, pouting.

"Actually, yes. But it's okay. I think it's cute."

"And I think you're a pain, but that's not what we're talking about right now. Do you think it's maybe because Shay ran into Brady when you thought he left town that's making you feel how you do?"

"No. I don't think so, at least."

"What can I do to help?"

"I don't know. You don't need-"

"I want to. I want you to always be happy because you deserve it."

I smiled at his kind words.

"Honestly, I don't think I can ever always be happy."

"E-even with me?" He asked timidly.

"I'm so used to being so sad, I wouldn't know how to let it go. I'm used to the worthless feelings, the self loathing. I'm accustomed to feeling like shit and hating myself."

Austin pulled me impossibly closer before tilting my chin up with two fingers.

"You really feel all those things?"

I nodded, having trouble making eye contact.

He gently came to rest his forehead on mine.

"I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, because then maybe you would see how beautiful you are. I've never seen anyone as beautiful as you and even if I had, I've never had a chance with them. I shouldn't have a chance with you. You deserve much better."

"It doesn't get better," I whispered.

"It does. Somewhere out in the world is a man who's deserving of you. I'm not-"

"Well that's really sad for him because I don't want him. I don't care who you seem to think 'he' is, but you're the only one I want to be with. But I can't be."

"Why not?"

"There's two reasons really."

"I'm not good enough."

"Don't talk like that. You're more than good enough. No, it's because I'm afraid of getting hurt, but more that I'm afraid of hurting you."

"If I had the privilege of calling you mine for even a minute, any heart break would be worth it."

"Could you two cut out the sappy Nicholas Sparks shit? I'm trying to sleep."

"Sorry Shay," I replied loud enough for him to hear me clearly.

"We can finish talking about this in the morning," Austin said before untangling himself from me and lying back down. I did the same and he pulled me close, spooning me. I cuddled into him and let my eyes drift closed.

~

Austin had been serious when he said we would continue our conversation from last night. After getting breakfast and letting Shayley go off to work, Austin had dragged me into his room and sat in a similar way to how he had last night. I resumed my position against him, looking up at him questioningly.

"I told you we were going to talk about this in the morning. It's morning, so talk."

"I just don't want to hurt you."

"You wouldn't. We don't need to do that right now though. My main focus is how you're feeling."

"I already told you how I was feeling."

"Okay but how do I fix it?"

"Austin, you don't need to fix it. I'll be fine eventually."

"I just want to make you happy. Why won't you let me do that?"

"You can't Austin. Nothing can."

He sighed deeply.

"At least let me try. Maybe I can't fix it, but I can distract you."

"Go right on ahead."

He moved me, god knows how with only use of one arm, into his lap and stroked my cheek with the back of his hand. I let my eyes fall closed and soon felt his warm breath fanning over my face. He kissed me, but it wasn't like any of the others we had shared. It wasn't like our first kiss, full of nerves and innocence and it was in no way even similar to the others since then.

This time, I could feel what Austin felt. There was an underlying sadness probably due to not being able to make me 'better,' but there was an overwhelming amount of happiness it seemed, too. What I didn't expect to feel, was a strong and prevailing emotion of love.

Could he really love me? Could a man as wonderful as Austin really hold that kind of feeling for an emotional mess like me?

I pulled back from him, feeling the wetness of my own tears slowly coat my cheeks.

"Why are you crying?" He sounded so concerned.

"You love me," I said, quietly but blatantly.

He nodded and I pushed forward, tackling him down in a hug, still crying a little. I looked up at him through my eyelashes.

"Why?"

I didn't ask because I needed to hear what he thought made me worth loving. I asked because I had no idea what it was he could possibly see.

"Why? Because you're everything I've ever wanted and never thought I'd get."

"Well you've sure got me, Austin Robert Carlile."