Status: ((hopefully)) regular updates
Secondhand
Chapter 18
I still hadn't stopped crying and Brady had been gone for at least twenty minutes. Austin and I were sat on the floor and he was trying so hard to stop my tears, but nothing worked.
“Alan? Do you still love him?”
“N-no. I don't think so. No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Really? How do you know?”
“What does it matter, Austin? I don't love him anymore. He lied to me. He cheated. He never even loved me. He's only lying because he's lonely. He doesn't realize that he left me and came up short while I found someone amazing.”
“You did?”
“Yeah, you, you idiot.”
“I'm not amazing.”
“Yes you are.”
“No, I'm seriously not.”
“Austin, yes. I would probably be dead if it weren't for you. I would have been killed or I would have killed myself.”
“No, no. Please don't say that.”
“It's true.”
He shook his head and pulled me even closer to him.
“Please, please don't talk like that. I don't want to live in a world you're not in. Everyone leaves me. Please don't leave me. I need you. I-I...”
“What, Aus?”
“Nothing.”
“Austin-”
“Nothing, it's nothing.”
“Fine.”
“Alan, I-”
“Just, let's not do this right now, okay? Please. I really can't take this right now. I'm sorry.”
“It's okay. I understand.”
“Thank you.”
“Of course. Why don't you go to bed and I'll come with you in a minute? I just want to check on Shayley, make sure he's okay.”
“Okay.”
I stood up and pulled Austin with me. I went in the direction of his room and he walked towards Shayley. I pulled off my jeans and sat on the bed. I hadn't even thought about how he must feel. He liked Brady a lot, then found out who he was and what he does, and then hears Brady confess his love for me. I felt so selfish. I was, as usual, only thinking of myself. I always did. I disregard how everyone feels as long as I'm feeling a certain way.
Realizing this made me start crying all over again and I searched for what I desperately wanted. But I promised Austin that I wouldn't. But I need this. But I can't. I was arguing with my own subconscious, the part of me that was telling me to just do it because it would make me feel so much better. My subconscious won out and I finally found what I needed in the pocket of a pair of black jeans. I quickly went to the bathroom and leaned against the wall, pulling one leg of my boxers up, exposing my thigh. It was already covered in old scars. It was already disgusting. It's not like I was making anything worse.
I slid the cold piece of metal across the skin, but barely felt it. It seemed as if I was out of my body, looking down into the real world and I didn't feel anything. I repositioned the blade and dragged it hard and fast, hissing at the pain. It was what I wanted. What I deserved, that's what I was getting. I repeated the action at least ten more times before there was a knock at the bathroom door. Shit. Austin.
“Alan, are you alright?”
“Ye-yeah. Fine. I'm fine.”
“No you're not. Let me in.”
“No! I, uh...”
“Alan, open the door.”
“No! No, I can't.”
“Fine.”
I heard him walk away and breathed in relief. I still craved pain and returned to my battered leg. Crying heavily and falling deeper into a pool of self loathing, I made more gashes and reopened some of the older ones. Suddenly the door flew open and I dropped the blade, cowering away.
“No! No! You aren't supposed to see me like this! No!”
“Alan, shh. Shh, calm down. Just breathe.”
“No! I failed you, Austin! I told you that I was going to stop and now I'm here, like this! I failed you just like I failed everyone else! I'm just a fuck up! Don't waste your time on me,” my voice fell into a whisper.
“You aren't a failure. Everyone has low points. It's okay. It's okay.”
“It's not okay! I promised you I would stop for you! I can't do it. I'm too pathetic to do it. You're probably disappointed in me.”
“No, I'm actually not. I just want to make you feel better. I'm not disappointed. Please just calm down and let me clean those up. Please let me help you.”
“You shouldn't have to. I should have known better than to let you catch me. I shouldn't have been so stupid.”
“You aren't stupid. I want to help you. Please.”
“No, just let me bleed to death.”
“Over my dead body.”
He lifted me up despite my protests and put me on the counter, getting out a first aid kit.
“You shouldn't always have to pick me up when I fall.”
“But I want to. That's what people do when they love other people. Don't you see that I love you, Alan? Don't you see just how much I love you? I'll say it forever, until you believe me, until you get tired of hearing me say the same thing over and over. I love you. Hear that? I fucking love you, dammit!”
I was speechless and he started attending to my cuts. I loved him, too. Now wasn't the time I had thought I would say it, but I did love him. Ten minutes later, I was still quiet and he was placing band aids over the now cleaned areas. He lifted me back off of the counter and carried me into his room, putting me down on the bed.
He went to change and then shut off the light. He climbed into the bed and stayed away from me, lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling. I moved closer to him and cuddled into his side. I reached up and kissed his cheek softly before settling back down under the blankets.
“I love you, too, Austin.”
“Alan? Do you still love him?”
“N-no. I don't think so. No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Really? How do you know?”
“What does it matter, Austin? I don't love him anymore. He lied to me. He cheated. He never even loved me. He's only lying because he's lonely. He doesn't realize that he left me and came up short while I found someone amazing.”
“You did?”
“Yeah, you, you idiot.”
“I'm not amazing.”
“Yes you are.”
“No, I'm seriously not.”
“Austin, yes. I would probably be dead if it weren't for you. I would have been killed or I would have killed myself.”
“No, no. Please don't say that.”
“It's true.”
He shook his head and pulled me even closer to him.
“Please, please don't talk like that. I don't want to live in a world you're not in. Everyone leaves me. Please don't leave me. I need you. I-I...”
“What, Aus?”
“Nothing.”
“Austin-”
“Nothing, it's nothing.”
“Fine.”
“Alan, I-”
“Just, let's not do this right now, okay? Please. I really can't take this right now. I'm sorry.”
“It's okay. I understand.”
“Thank you.”
“Of course. Why don't you go to bed and I'll come with you in a minute? I just want to check on Shayley, make sure he's okay.”
“Okay.”
I stood up and pulled Austin with me. I went in the direction of his room and he walked towards Shayley. I pulled off my jeans and sat on the bed. I hadn't even thought about how he must feel. He liked Brady a lot, then found out who he was and what he does, and then hears Brady confess his love for me. I felt so selfish. I was, as usual, only thinking of myself. I always did. I disregard how everyone feels as long as I'm feeling a certain way.
Realizing this made me start crying all over again and I searched for what I desperately wanted. But I promised Austin that I wouldn't. But I need this. But I can't. I was arguing with my own subconscious, the part of me that was telling me to just do it because it would make me feel so much better. My subconscious won out and I finally found what I needed in the pocket of a pair of black jeans. I quickly went to the bathroom and leaned against the wall, pulling one leg of my boxers up, exposing my thigh. It was already covered in old scars. It was already disgusting. It's not like I was making anything worse.
I slid the cold piece of metal across the skin, but barely felt it. It seemed as if I was out of my body, looking down into the real world and I didn't feel anything. I repositioned the blade and dragged it hard and fast, hissing at the pain. It was what I wanted. What I deserved, that's what I was getting. I repeated the action at least ten more times before there was a knock at the bathroom door. Shit. Austin.
“Alan, are you alright?”
“Ye-yeah. Fine. I'm fine.”
“No you're not. Let me in.”
“No! I, uh...”
“Alan, open the door.”
“No! No, I can't.”
“Fine.”
I heard him walk away and breathed in relief. I still craved pain and returned to my battered leg. Crying heavily and falling deeper into a pool of self loathing, I made more gashes and reopened some of the older ones. Suddenly the door flew open and I dropped the blade, cowering away.
“No! No! You aren't supposed to see me like this! No!”
“Alan, shh. Shh, calm down. Just breathe.”
“No! I failed you, Austin! I told you that I was going to stop and now I'm here, like this! I failed you just like I failed everyone else! I'm just a fuck up! Don't waste your time on me,” my voice fell into a whisper.
“You aren't a failure. Everyone has low points. It's okay. It's okay.”
“It's not okay! I promised you I would stop for you! I can't do it. I'm too pathetic to do it. You're probably disappointed in me.”
“No, I'm actually not. I just want to make you feel better. I'm not disappointed. Please just calm down and let me clean those up. Please let me help you.”
“You shouldn't have to. I should have known better than to let you catch me. I shouldn't have been so stupid.”
“You aren't stupid. I want to help you. Please.”
“No, just let me bleed to death.”
“Over my dead body.”
He lifted me up despite my protests and put me on the counter, getting out a first aid kit.
“You shouldn't always have to pick me up when I fall.”
“But I want to. That's what people do when they love other people. Don't you see that I love you, Alan? Don't you see just how much I love you? I'll say it forever, until you believe me, until you get tired of hearing me say the same thing over and over. I love you. Hear that? I fucking love you, dammit!”
I was speechless and he started attending to my cuts. I loved him, too. Now wasn't the time I had thought I would say it, but I did love him. Ten minutes later, I was still quiet and he was placing band aids over the now cleaned areas. He lifted me back off of the counter and carried me into his room, putting me down on the bed.
He went to change and then shut off the light. He climbed into the bed and stayed away from me, lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling. I moved closer to him and cuddled into his side. I reached up and kissed his cheek softly before settling back down under the blankets.
“I love you, too, Austin.”