Secondhand

The car ride home had been heavy with a lust filled silence. Austin drove much faster than was legal and dragged me up the stairs to the apartment so quickly that I almost tripped over my own feet multiple times.
"Shayley?" No reply came. "Thank fuck," he breathed before shoving me against the wall.
I whimpered beneath him and he attached his lips to mine, misinterpreting the noise I made. I pulled my face back as far from his as I could get it in the close space, suddenly feeling very different than I had during the drive. I looked up into his eyes and tried to portray what I was feeling.
"What? What's wrong?" Austin asked, already panting in anticipation from our short encounter.
"Austin, I-"
I stopped mid-sentence and laid my head on his chest, lacing my arms around his thin waist. He exhaled strongly and nuzzled his nose into my hair. I sighed.
"Alan, what's wrong?"
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"I c-can't. I'm sorry."
Austin pulled away from me and took my hand, leading me over to the couch. He sat down and I went to sit next to him, but suddenly found his strong arms pulling me towards him and into his lap.
"Please don't apologize, Alan. It should be me. I just, I should have slowed down. I should have realized. I'm sorry."
"No, it's all my fault. It's not yours at all. I should be able to do these things with you without either of us hesitating. I want to do this with you and I know you won't hurt me, I'm just... scared. I'm always scared of getting hurt, all because of Brady and I'm sorry you have to deal with me."
"I'm not 'dealing with' you. I love you. I want you around. I want to be the one that makes you feel better, feel safe. I want to tell you every single day, a million times, whenever I can, that I love you. The things that happened are the past, but I know it'll take time for you to move on from them and I understand that. I only want you to get through this. I just want to help you. I just want you to know that I love you so much."
I broke into soft tears despite myself and buried my face in the side of his neck, balling his black shirt in my hands from behind and holding him tight. His head came to rest on my shoulder as he tightened his grip around me.
"I want you, but more than that, I want you to be okay," he whispered in my ear before placing small kisses up my neck and across my jaw before gently pressing his lips to my own.
He stayed still, waiting for me to regain my composure. I took a deep breathe and kissed him hard. He gasped and I smiled against his mouth. His tongue found its way to my lower lip, asking permission. I denied him entrance, waiting but not in hesitation, and he groaned in frustration. He pulled away from me and left his hands resting on my hips.
"You're such a fucking tease. God, Alan."
He lifted one of my hands and put it against his chest, where his heart lay beneathe the surface. It was beating incredibly fast and I looked up at him, questioning his actions.
"See what you do to me?"
I blushed and looked down, leaving my hand on his chest. Two of his fingers found their way under my chin and he lifted my face to his before kissing me lightly again. I smiled at him and yawned a little.
"Tired, baby?"
I smiled again at his use of the pet name and nodded, feeling exhausted. The corner of Austin's mouth twitched upwards in a small smile and he shifted me in his arms before picking me up bridal style and carrying me into his room. He laid me down on the bed and went to pull my shirt over my head. I leaned up to let him and he pressed a small kiss to the center of my bare chest. His hands found the button and zipper of my ripped black jeans, but there was nothing attached to the motion at all. I lifted my hips for him and he pulled the pants down to my ankles, untying my shoes and placing them on the floor before the pants followed. He quickly undressed himself and I snuggled into his blankets, waiting for them to be changed into a warm body. Austin laid down next to me and pulled me into his body. He kissed my head and I hummed in contentment.
"I love you, Alan."
"Love you, too, Aus."
~
"Stop! Please, stop. I don't know what I did to deserve this Brady! I always tried my best for you!"
"This has been your best? Your worst must be even more pathetic."
"Brady stop, you're hurting me."
"It doesn't matter. You won't remember a thing tomorrow."
"Yes I will! Of course I will. How could you say I won't?"
"Silly, naive little Alan. You think this is the first time I've done this? Do you really think that this is the very first time I've left you like this? Are you really convinced I've never fucked your pretty ass while you had to stay there and take it and then made you forget it just so you'd still be here, clueless? God, you are so stupid."
"Alan! Alan, please wake up. It was only a dream, baby. You're okay but you have to wake up."
"Please dont hurt me."
I opened my eyes slowly, recognizing the voice to be Austin's but still expecting Brady.
"Never. I'll never hurt you. Come here, you're okay."
Austin had sat up in bed and I crawled pathetically over to him, cuddling up to his side.
"I had a nightmare," I whispered dumbly.
"About Brady, I know. You kept talking and screaming."
"I remember now."
"Remember what, Alan?"
"When we were dating, there were mornings where I'd wake up sore and never could figure out why. I know why now."
"Can you tell me? It's better not to keep it held inside."
"He used to rape me. Then he'd drug me so I forgot it."
My voice was barely above a whisper and Austin was rubbing small, slow circles into my hip. I heard him mutter something under his breath that sounded vaguely like "that goddamn bastard."
"How did I never realize? How was I so stupid?"
"You're not stupid. He drugged you. There's no way you could have known."
"I guess you're right."
"Al, do you... Do you think maybe he has had something to do with the bad things that happened to you?"
"No. I never recognized the guy from the coffee shop and Shayley fought off the first guys. He would have known if one of them was Brady."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. I just worry you know? I mean, it was bad enough that those things happened in the first place. I don't want them to happen again. I'll keep you safe this time, I promise. As long as you're with me, you're safe."
I smiled a little, wondering how on earth I got so lucky as to find a guy as amazing as Austin after the horror that came along with Brady, before falling back to sleep, still clinging to Austin's side.