Blue and Yellow

"All right Ms. Krane, before I discuss the nature of your injury and what the X-rays show I need to know a few things first," the doctor asked as he sat across from me in the personal waiting room.

"All right," I said, squeezing Bert's hand a bit with my own.

I still hadn't let go of it. He had even opted to wear a lead apron outfit while I got my X-ray done so he could hold my hand. It was nice, and warm, and reassuring. And I didn't think I would make it if I let go.

"How did this break happen Ms. Krane?" the doctor asked, quickly darting his eyes over at Bert before back to me.

I swiftly shook my head at his silent suggestion. I didn't need him thinking that Bert had done it.

"I had been out drinking and I had drank too much, which was foolish. I was walking home due to my intoxicated state which I can say is not foolish in the least. I was drunk so you'll have to understand that when you hear the rest. I had been walking on the park benches, through the park right near here, and signing rather loudly. In my drunken state I miscalculated the length of the bench and fell off it, landing hard. I was too drunk to notice till late the next day," I said, lying through my teeth, spilling out the words I had practiced with Bert and the guys before we got here.

I knew it sounded believable, I knew I sounded believable. I had made an art out of lying to cover up my bruises and various hurts.

"And where does this gentleman come in? And why didn't you come to the hospital when it first happened?" the doctor asked, sounding like he believed my story.

Inwardly I sighed with relief.

"Well the reason I didn't come then, and am only coming now is because I lacked the funds to pay for it. And I still lack the funds to pay for any of this. How Bert fits in is we're old friends. He came back here to do a show and asked me to go, so I did. When he saw my arm he forced me to come, saying he would pay for it because I could not," I lied.

"Well that's certainly an interesting story and I hope that this will remind you to contain how much you drink in the future," the doctor said in a friendly manner.

"Oh yes sire believe me. Vodka and I are no longer friends," I said, forcing a perfect smile to go with my perfect lie.

"First off I wanted to congratulate you on your make shift bandages, splints and cast. You did some really wonderful work with what you had on hand. You basically saved the mobility of your hand by what you did on your own. See what we have here," the doctor said as he held up my X-rays.

"Is a very large, but clean break next to a rather nasty fracture. So whatever you did saved you your ability to move your wrist in the future. I'm going to give you some pain meds and a special cloth and steel wrist brace since your cast did all the work a real cast would have done. You just need to wear it on a permanent basis for another two or so months, and then after that wear it any time it feels weak or painful, it will help take away some of that," the doctor said as he bent over a prescription pad and wrote in messy doctors hand writing all over it.

"Take this down to the hospital's pharmacy and fill it, I've given you three other refills and that should be all thats needed. Last but not least here are your X-rays. I hope you have a wonderful rest of the day, and hope you remember your wrist the next time you want to go out and party," the doctor teased as he handed me a white slip of paper and a large manilla envelope holding my X-rays.

"Thank you," I said as I walked out of the room, still holding Bert's hand, but not so tightly anymore.

It was more like for reassurance that I had really just done that. And survived.

We stopped at the sign in desk to do some last minute paper work stuff before we could go fill my prescription, which when I went to stuff into my back pocket and forget about Bert had given me the look of death and pulled it back out and stuck it into his. I guess that was his way of telling me he was going to pay for it too. It felt a little odd to have a guy doing all this for me, paying for things and what have you and have him not want to control everything I did. Not have him hold the things he did for me over my head like a guilty conscience and use it to make me do things.

And I soon forgot those thoughts when I saw the four guys; Dan, Jeph, Quinn and Bert all acting like little kids in a candy store. They were at the sticker station and the older lady receptionist behind the counter said they could each have one after they asked, well more like begged and pleaded. I stood there cradling my arm and smiled as I watched them ponder over the sticker collection like it was gold. And I felt myself laugh. And then I heard something I didnt want to hear. Ever again.

"Here's the new schedule for Devin Churchwoods physical therapy. Can you make sure it's emailed to him for me? Thanks," I heard a nurse say behind me as she stood at the check in counter.

My blood froze. My vision started to tunnel and my hearing started to fade out. I felt my heart start to pound in my chest, like it wanted to break out. I felt the color drain from my face.

"Oh. My. God. Devin was still alive, I hadn't killed him. He needs physical therapy because of me. And he is probably looking for me, or wondering where I am. And he is probably pissed," I thought to myself as I felt a panic attack come on.

I had to get out. I had to run. So I did. I set off at a dead run and didn't even stop to register the frenzied shouts coming from Bert and then the rest of the guys. I just ran and ran and ran till I couldn't anymore. Damn smoking.

I stopped and bent over as I tried to catch my extremely labored breathing. When my breathing calmed I looked up in a frenzied panic not knowing where I had run off to. As it turned out I was just on one of the main roads leading from the hospital, but still surrounded by semi busy traffic.

"Oh god. Oh god. Oh god," I repeated as I grabbed handfuls of my hair and pulled.

I crunched down into the grass and curled around my knees and started to shake.

-xXx-

"Eli?" I heard asked above me.

I didn't respond I just continued to shake. I seemed to draw so far within myself that I didn't even recognize whose voice it was, or really what they said to me. I felt someone, or well someone's as it was plural, wrap arms around me and pick me up and place me in a car. I just sat there, crunched up, shaking. I knew I was going to die. I had to. I knew he would come for me. I just knew it. And then I'd pay.

I came out of my panic attack long enough to realize that I had been taken back to Bert's house and not the Haven. Which all in all was probably a good idea because I didn't need them thinking I was a nut job as well. I might lose my place to live. My things. What life I had started to piece together. But all that wouldn't matter when Devin came to get me.

"Devin," I whispered softly as Bert led me into the apartment.

"What?" I heard him ask and I simply shook my head no.

There was no logical room in my panic stricken mind for explanations. And I knew now that I could never tell him. I let Bert lead me into his spare room and place me down on the bed. He placed a two pills in my hand and then ran for a glass of water. I sat there and just stared at them, my mind not registering why I was holding them or anything else for that matter. Soon Bert came back and put a glass of water in front of my face which I took to swallow my mystery pills with. I felt him help lay me down and put a light blanket over me and then close the door quietly. Leaving me alone in the room.

I knew I slept. I knew I woke up screaming and crying. I knew I repeated his name over and over again. I sort of remember tearing all of the bedding off the bed and throwing it against the wall and then crumpling onto the floor in a crying heap. I think I remember tearing some hair out. But mostly I remember shaking. I remember crying the words that had been my mantra through the whole thing. The words "this time I'm not going to watch myself die" passed across my tear stained lips repeatedly.

Then finally I woke up and didn't do anything. My panic attack melt down had stopped. And I was calmer and so able to think things through. I started to put two and two together. If Devin was still having physical therapy and having a schedule change that meant he has been going through hit the entire time since I left. And that he has been healthy to say the least. That meant that if he had really wanted to come and find me, to take revenge he would have done so already. He would have known I couldn't go far, that I wouldn't be able to go to my parents, that I didn't have any friends, and that I had limited cash. He would have been able to figure out that I was still in Orem. He's smarter than that. So he must have just gotten over it, or realized that I wasn't worth making a giant scene about.

With that conclusion I put the bed back together while humming Buried Myself Alive. I picked up the mess I had created in how ever long I had been in here, fixed my clothes and then opened the door to go find Bert. When I walked out into the living room I found him. He was passed out on the couch, half covered by a blanket, passed out with the television on. There was a knocked over empty water glass, a few empty soda cans, and bags of chips. It looked like he had camped out on the couch the entire time I had been having my episode. And by the looks of him passed out snoring in the middle of the afternoon he hadn't got much sleep either.

Chuckling to myself I wrote a quick note telling him I had gone back to the Haven, that I was all right, that I appreciated everything he had done for me, and asking him to meet me for coffee the next day, or whenever, at the cafe. I placed it on his chest, then decided to place it on the coffee table next to the remote figuring it'd be spotted easier. Finding my purse I left Bert's apartment and started the trek back to the Haven.