Blue and Yellow

I made my way about my room getting ready for what I always did, went to the cafe. It had been a little over a week since my panic attack, and I was now back to normal. Well as normal as I ever got. I wore my wrist brace and didn't hide it underneath my hoodie and fingerless gloves anymore, that doesn't mean I didn't wear them. I still did, I just took my hoodie off and gloves off while out at the cafe. I went almost every day now, doing my normal routine. All of which was still paid for by whoever it was. But the only difference was now Bert joined me. Just about every time I went. No wait scratch that, every time I went he was there. Sometimes even one or more, sometimes even all, of the guys came as well. It was nice. I had friends. Actual real life friends like I use to have back when I was in school. Krissy had even become an actual friend friend as well, and would come out and sit with us on her breaks. I think she also had a soft spot for Quinn, but both were too shy to say anything. It was cute.

This past week and a half I had smiled and laughed more than I had in the past god knows how many years. My face would hurt some nights from smiling and laughing so hard. But I liked the pain. And I liked the people that made my face ache from these activities. I felt normal. My bruises were disappearing, some were even completely gone. I felt whole. And I loved looking into Bert's eyes. I loved listening to him giggle his little impish giggle. It made me laugh. And snort. Unfortunately they found that out about me. I snort when I've been laughing too hard. I think Bert just giggles to get me to snort.

I didn't know what to think of Bert really. He still held my hand under the coffee table at the cafe occasionally. We even went out to the movies a few nights ago. It was just us, till we were invaded by the S.S. Loser Friends ship. We had been literally tackled by Jeph, Dan, Quinn, and Krissy in the movie theater. We even got shushed by some old lady. It was like being a teenager again.

Sighing at the memory I tugged on my bright green Kill Clothing brand t-shirt Krissy had gave me because it was too small for her. Even though it barely fit over my large chest it stretched just enough to work, and it fit the rest of me just perfect. I straightened the shirt and then put my hair in little loose sections and braided the last three or so inches of them and let them hang on either side of my neck. I checked my black eyeliner and gray eye shadow one last time before searching my room for my pants. I found my medium gray corduroys hanging on the back of my one chair. Slipping them on I stuck on my white converse next. I opted out of wearing my black hoodie and instead opted to wear my sparkly gray thin long piece of fabric that I called a scarf. I twisted it around my neck, threw my head phones and disc man into my bag along with my notebook and cigarette and called myself ready. I was finally getting all of me back together, I was enjoying getting ready and making myself look like myself.

I smoked a cigarette on the way from the Haven to the cafe, not really in any rush to get there. I knew Bert was probably going to be there and I figured he could wait. When I got there I didn't see him outside so I went inside and got my coffee and sugar loaded goodie of the day and went back outside to work since it was beautiful out. And I felt the need to smoke another cigarette. By the time I had finished my cigarette and cinnamon swirl Bert was still not here so I went inside to my normal table.

I sat there working till my coffee was finished. I waited for another fifteen minutes after that and figured he just wasn't coming. Which wasn't a big deal or anything.

"I'm heading out Krissy. I'll see you tomorrow," I said as I waved goodbye to Krissy as I walked to the exit.

"Later gaiter shoes," she called and waved back.

Outside I lit one more cigarette and as I was dropping my pack back into my bag I heard my name said. I didn't quite catch where it was coming from so I swiveled my head around peering at the people outside the cafe. Then I heard it again. And my cigarette fell from my hand and landed on the pavement.

Devin.

"Elise," the familiar voice of my ex boyfriend and abuser said from behind me.

I whipped around to face him.

"Devin," I said flatly with no emotion.

"I thought that was you. How have you been?" he asked as he approached me.

When he stopped a safe distance from me, more than an arm lengths away, I saw that he was walking with a crutch type cane. And I blanched. But he seemed to be acting friendly, and he obviously sensed my tension that's why he had stopped so far away.

"Good I guess," I said, lightning my tone a bit to keep things civil and pleasant.

"I'm so glad that I've finally been able to catch you. I was wondering if you wanted to come by the apartment and talk, and to grab some things you forgot. And don't worry, I'm better now. Learned to control myself and my emotions. I just want to be able to bury everything and apologize for the things I have done. And then you can go," he said.

He sounded sincere. He sounded like he meant it. And then I remembered the conclusion I had come to. If he had really wanted to track me down and hurt me he would have done that already. He had to be telling the truth.

"Sure. But you'll have to drive, I dont' have a car," I said as I approached him, still skittish enough to stand not too close to him.

"This way," Devin said as he led me to his car.

At the apartment I winced inwardly when I walked through the front door. He had redecorated and moved things around but it was still the same. And all the memories of cleaning, waiting on him and his friends hand and foot, and the beatings flashed through my mind on over drive. I recapped every waking terror I had lived through for so damn long here. And I relived the night I left and thought I was going to die.

"This time I'm not going to watch myself die," I whispered under my breath softer than a whisper.

"Here, sit down while I get what you left and then we can talk things out," Devin said as he left to back to the bedroom.

I sat nervously, praying my leg wouldn't start to bounce and give me away for how nervous I was. It wasn't anything he said, he seemed all right after everything. It was the room, the apartment itself. Finally I looked up when I heard him walk back towards the table where I was sitting. When I looked up at him approaching my heart dropped out of my chest, and I could literally feel the color drain from me. He was only carrying one thing. And it was the broken lamp.

When he slammed it down on the table I jumped and flinched.

"You forgot this," he said hotly and I could hear the snarl underneath his voice.

I was going to die this time. And I hadn't been able to tell Bert I liked him. More than a friend. I didn't get to thank him for everything. And now I wasn't going to be able to.

Instead of panicking like I normally would I retreated into my mind and repeated the mantra that had helped me so far. I felt blood on my face and realized he had slapped me with the broken lamp.

I was going to die.

I felt him grip my bad wrist that was on its way to getting so much better and crush it.

I screamed.

At the rush of searing pain, I left my body and kind of watched it all from above, not able to do anything. Not really hearing anything but watching as Devin took out his anger on me.