Blue and Yellow

Closing the door I sighed again. I went about unpacking my few things, all the while clutching my arm to my chest. While I felt Joyce was a very nice person and that this was a good place I didn't want them to know about my wrist. I didn't want to be questioned, I didn't want things about Devin to come back up. I didn't want them to be bothered by me more than they already were by taking me in. I figured if I was careful it would heal just fine on its own.

Things unpacked and put away, which sadly didn't take much time at all, I sat on my small bed and looked around. My clothes fit into the three small drawers, there was a small picture frame of my family on the small bedside table with its lamp. I had stacked the few books I owned on top of the little dresser as well as what trinkets I owned. Which was nothing more than a small sea shell I picked up from the ocean the only time I ever went, a chain with my class rings on it, a small hand painted wooden box that held nothing but a few dried rose petals from my graduation bouquet. Beside that was my lucky fifty cent piece that was so worn down from always being carried in my back pocket that you could hardly tell what it was anymore. Then my stuffed elephant that really wasnt so stuffed anymore and that was it really. Well besides my disc man and my most prized possessions, my CD's. Which all and all amounted to like ten, but they were my savior.

Taking my elephant down I curled up with it and put my head phones on, pushing play without knowing what cd was in there. I smiled as I listened to one of my favorites pour through my ancient headphones. I smiled even more as I heard my favorite voice sing loudly in my ears the words that had become the only thing to keep my going, the only thing that had made me take that first step towards the door.

"This time I'm not going to watch myself die."

Buried Myself Alive

-xXx-

I slept for the rest of the day and woke up for dinner. I kept to myself and stayed quiet, not wanting to engage in conversation and have people ask questions about my current state of appearance. After dinner I went back to my room, put my headphones back on, pressed play, then repeat and curled up with my elephant and fell asleep.

After about three days of doing the same thing I finally decided to change my routine. I made my way to the shower and made sure no one was in there before getting ready to go it. I gingerly took off my bandages and grimaced at the purple lacing my still puffy wrist. Gritting my teeth I tried to move it and nearly collapsed from the pain. Centering myself and my breathing I got the pain under control and got into the shower. I took my bandages with me to wash while I was in there because putting those through the laundry would cause to much suspicion. After showering I threw my old clothes back on to walk back to my room in, not having brought anything new to change into there. As I wanted to keep to myself as much as possible.

Back in my room I dried off and stuck my bandages up to dry while I got dressed first, giving them enough time to dry. I slipped on a vintage Van Halen tee I had found at some thrift store ages ago and had bought on the spot because of my love for those wild and crazy eighties musicians. Next came a pair tight black jeans that had been my favorites for years, there was a little ragged hole in one knee and there were faded marks all over the place. I slipped on my yellow and black checkered vans and called my body coverage done. I did my eyeliner as best I could as my face was still a little puffy and still bruised. But I figured I could draw some attention away from that by slathering my eyes in heavy black eyeliner that I knew would make my extremely bright, very pale gray eyes pop.

That finished I simply ruffled my shoulder length hair and called it good, knowing the bright red color underneath my blonde would be enough. Though I had no idea why I was caring, but I boiled it down to the fact that if I wanted to get myself back to be being me I was going to have to start with the basics. And that meant appearance.

All the foofy stuff finished I went about bandaging my wrist with all my assorted odds and ends. I still felt the need to hide it, so after I bound it tight I put my plain black hoodie on over everything. Well plain black and covered in a few little pins. Self put together, pain meds from the medical supply place swallowed, it was only IBProphen, I grabbed my cloth bag making sure my cigarettes were in it and headed out. Outside my room I locked my door, not really feeling the need to in this place but liking the idea that I could. That finished I went to find the exit, the one I hadn't seen in a couple of days since I first walked through them.

"Good afternoon Joyce," I said as I walked passed the front desk area where Joyce was sitting.

"Good afternoon Elise," she said kindly from her desk chair.

"It's Eli," I said as I stopped at my name.

"Excuse me?" Joyce asked.

"My full name is Elise, but I go by Eli," I said, kindly explaining.

"All right Eli it is," Joyce said before going to answer the phone.

Step two to becoming myself again in effect; going back to my nickname Eli and distancing myself from the name all my boyfriends called me; Elise.

As soon as I stepped out the doors of the Haven I felt myself change. I hunched my shoulders and hung my head a little, drawing in on myself. Not exactly the way to get back to my old self, but it was my current instinct to do so. As I walked the streets, with a cigarette lit hanging from my mouth I avoided eye contact with people and watched where my feet took me. Finally I stopped at a small coffee shop cafe type place. I ordered a small coffee and I splurged and got a bagel with hummus.

I sat and gloried in the taste of the steaming coffee with its hint of hazelnut and the warmness of the chewy bagel and the spice of the hummus. I knew I couldn't often, as I only had two hundred dollars on me but I felt the need. Bagel finished I took the remainder of my coffee and left the cafe.

Outside I paused to light another cigarette and then started on my back to the Haven, or somewhere, I wasn't really sure. I watched my feet, making sure as not to run into anybody and then I felt it. I felt it as my coffee dropped from my hands and hit the pavement spilling out everywhere. The pain.

"Hey you asshole watch where the fuck you're going," I snapped as I grasped my injured arm to my chest and looked up at the person who had walked directly into me.

It was the guy from the park from the first night. And he was once again staring directly into my eyes. And I was right. His eyes were extremely bright, they almost seemed to be dancing or laughing at me, or the world, I couldn't tell which. And once again I had this nagging feeling I should know who he was. But it was impossible that I would know anyone. His other friends, of which there were three this time, finally stopped when they realized he wasn't with them anymore. He was still transfixed in his spot where he had rammed into me.

"I'm," he started in that once again overly familiar voice.

"Forget about it," I growled, cutting him off.

I simply turned sharply and walked quickly away in the direction of the park without bothering to look back. As I got farther away I could barely make out the sounds of his friends shouting at him to hurry up and join them and I desperately hoped he wasnt following me. There were tears in my eyes from the pain and the shock of seeing a face twice that I couldnt place even though I knew I should be able to. Basically I was a mess and I didn't want to face anyone. When I got to the park I slowed down and listened carefully. No one was following me. Thank god.

I found a park bench, not the same one from that first night, and sat down. I sat for I don't know for how long, but I smoked more than half my pack of cigarettes. Cursing myself I started to stand and realized that it was late, probably almost seven or so. But I had no idea exactly, I didn't have a watch. Standing up fully, I decided to head back to the Haven to make the last bit of the dinner time, but stop at the gas station near it first to pick up smokes.

At the gas station I walked about aimlessly but not long enough that the guy would think I was up to something. I was just listless. Finally I went up to the counter.

"The buy two get one free on Marlboro mediums," I said to the guy behind the counter.

"I believe youre of age, but I gotta ask for your ID or my father will kill me," the kid behind the counter said as he pointed to an older gentleman a little ways down sitting in a wooden chair with his arms crossed and a frown on his face.

"No problem," I said as I dug out my wallet for my ID.

I was flattered kind of, especially since I was six years over the legal age to buy cigarettes. And I looked like I had received the beating of my life. Which I had.

As the kid was looking over my ID and typing in my birth date, which they had to do so the cash register would open to take the money, I heard the bells go off signaling the door opening. Naturally I turned my head to look and see who had walked in. And then I frowned. It was him again.

This was getting odd. I stared at him and he must have felt it because he looked up at me. And then stared as a look of shock ran across his face, and then confusion and then something else but I didnt get the chance to figure out what it was because he ran into a rack of chips, knocking a few off their shelves. His friends burst out laughing, and he seemed to blush a bit and then he burst out laughing as well. I smiled a little. The older man behind the counter frowned more.

"Here you go Elise. And it'll be eight seventy five," the kid behind the counter said as he handed me back my license.

I smiled and took back my license and handed him the exact change.

"It's Eli," I said as I put my newly bought cigarettes into my bag.

I figured I would be nice since this was probably going to be the only place I spent what little money I had, buying cigarettes. They'd eventually know me by name anyway. That and the coffee shop maybe, when I felt like splurging.

"All right. Have a good night Eli," the kid said, waving to me as I got to the door and started to push it open.

"You too," I said and then let the door close behind me.