Don't Give Up (On Me)

“I don’t want you to go,”

“I wish I could say I didn’t want to go, but..”

I rolled my eyes playfully an reached up on my tiptoes to kiss his lips. “Shut up, I know.” I laughed.

He smirked at me before pushing his mouth onto mine, regardless of the guys waiting in the van at the end of our driveway, ever so patiently. I can only imagine that they’d already done this for Kennedy, Jared and…Garrett? I’m pretty sure he’d returned from his brother’s house. I guess I’d find out today at work, when I overhear Tate and Layla.

I wonder if she’d told her. I wonder what was going to happen now, or what she was going to do. I guess I won’t know unless I torture Pat into finding out his intentions. God damn he better make the right decision. It could be the last right decision he ever makes.

Friendship over a fuck, what kind of human does that?

“You better go before the boys get angry,” I mused, mumbling against his thin lips.

He bit down lightly on mine, his hands gentle against my still-bruised side. “Wuv you.” He murmured, unable to clear his pronunciation due to my lip being between his teeth.

I pulled back and pouted at him. “I love you so much, O’Callaghan.”

“Love you so much babe,” he sighed, pulling me in tightly and kissing the top of my head. “God it’s only going to be five days, how pathetic are we?” He laughed.

I let out a laugh and nodded. “Incredibly pathetic…or just horny, either way-“

“You’re the one standing out here in your underwear,” he smirked, pushing me back through our front door, hands still on my hips, lips dangerously close. “Looking adorable.”

For the record, I was in my underwear underneath my silk dressing gown. It was short, and semi-revealing, but it was still modest enough to wear outside of the house for ten minutes.

I shook my head and pushed him back on the porch. “We are not doing anything when you have to leave right now.” I scoffed.

He sent me a pout but I only kissed his lips. “Fine. I’ll try call you Lei, but if I don’t, I’ll see you when I get back.”

I nodded, taking a deep breath as my eyes filled with stupid pathetic tears. “Love you too. Take your medication.”

“Aw Lei…” He cooed, opening his arms.

I shook my head again and pushed him away, my hand against his chest. “Shut up.”

“It’s okay,” he chuckled, pulling me in for one last hug (and one last kiss) before the guys beeped the van’s horn, signaling that enough was enough and they needed to get going. He flipped them off and kissed me again. “I’ll see you on Saturday. I love you Leighton Johnson.” He said, before making his way down the porch steps and out to the van.

“I love you too!” I called, watching him climb into the van. I missed his touch already. I waved back at the guys as they drove away, the emptiness feeling filling my stomach as my surroundings grew quiet.

Really quiet.

I’m not going to lie, a huge weight felt like it’d been lifted from my shoulders. I felt like a babysitter, just returning home from a shift. I know that wasn’t the kindest of ways to describe it, but it was the truth. I returned inside the house and closed the door behind me, taking a deep breath. The buzz of a new message startled me, and I retrieved my phone from my pocket of my dressing gown.

John <3 : relax. (i love you xx)

***

“Okay so the new intern starts tomorrow, and you all need to be on your best behavior- I don’t want you guys scaring him off.” I said, not looking up from my iPad as we sat around the meeting desk.

“I still can’t believe you got a dude instead of a chick.” Elijah mumbled.

I sent him a look.

“Who knows, maybe he’s half decent.” He tried, sending me a totally sarcastic look.

I rolled my eyes playfully an looked at the rest of the group, to find Tate staring at her nails. We weren’t going to make it if we couldn’t
even look at each other. No, that wasn’t a cry for resolution, that was a cry for I really can’t even be bothered with you anymore.

Super bitch Leighton, reporting for duty.

“His name is Caleb and he’s only nineteen, so he’s young, but he’s well trained and what not- he’s got a really good eye for design, so Lennon, you’ll take him under your wing because essentially that’s what he’s most interested in.” I explained. “But he’ll mainly be helping me with all the shitty paperwork. The last hour of every day you’ll just show him a couple things and so on. That cool with you?”

“Yeah of course.” Lennon nodded happily, “I have my own protégé.”

“That’s the spirit!” I claimed, raising my hands. “Today, we’re basically continuing on with the packaging. At three, me, Jack and Layla will take the orders we’ve got done to the post office and we can all get off at four, four thirty.”

“I have to leave at three,” Tate said, raising her hand slightly. “Doctors’ appointment.”

I was almost going to make a comment about her meeting up with Pat but didn’t when I realized he was out of town with the boys. That and the fact that it would be highly inappropriate with everyone around. “Yeah that’s no problem,” I nodded. “Just make sure you get today’s work done.”

She nodded and sat back, refocusing her attention to her nails. I let the others’ know what they needed to do before retreating to my office and finishing off a few of the last designs. With this line, we wanted to bring a few more custom pieces in, rather than just t-shirt and hoodies. We were bringing in different kinds of dresses and skirts, and different accessories and items that based around the concept of the label.

A concept I hadn’t yet thought of.

It had to be something that showcased the strength, wonder and passion that The Lost Boys portrayed, yet in a more feminine approach. So how do I create a name that embodies that entire concept within the small space of a clothing tag? Beats me.
The brainstorm on my computer was growing, yet not developing anywhere and it was seriously beginning to stress me out. John not being here was somewhat of a relief to me, as I could put all of my attention towards my work, rather than being distracted by our couple issues.

Yes, for this week I was regarding him as an ‘issue’. It may seem harsh, and unequal, but this week was for me to focus on myself and my work, something I hadn’t done for the past eight months.
As soon as I put myself into that frame of mind, I began brainstorming like there was no tomorrow. I threw out plenty of names, and sketched out multiple new design ideas to pass onto the designing team.
But most of all, I focused on the passion I had for my work.
It was returning and I wasn’t going to let my personal life interrupt that again.

***

I was interrupted later on in the day by a knock at my door. I looked up to see Tate standing there with a file of work and her bag.

“I just wanted to let you know I’m heading off now,” she said, averting her blood shot eyes.

I nodded, curious as to why she’d been…crying, but not mature enough to ask. “Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She nodded slowly, before turning around to walk away. Of course she stopped that and turned back around, attempting to set things right between us. “Look, about what you saw last week-“

“Not interested, Tate,” I warned, shaking my head at her and returning to the computer screen.

“Leighton,” she pushed, “it’s not what it-“

“It’s not what it looked like?” I scoffed, not taking my eyes from my screen. “Right so you haven’t been screwing Pat?”

She rolled her eyes, and I could see them begin to fill with tears again. “It’s not like that-“

“Just go, I’m busy.” I muttered, waving her off.

She sent me a look that I rejected before walking out. I was not up for dealing with broken friendships right now. It may seem like I was being a bitch (and I probably was), but I couldn’t handle that right now.

I spent the rest of the afternoon shipping orders at the post office with Jack and Layla. It was so obvious that they were together, just from their actions alone. He was constantly whispering things into her ear, making her giggle, laugh and blush. Her eyes were on his the whole time, constantly distracted by him.

I remember when me and John used to be like that, way back when we first got together, and first moved in with each other, and first said ‘I love you’ to each other…all these firsts seemed so long ago now. It’s amusing how we went from our first ‘I love you’ to our first meaningless night together. His first therapist appointment. Our first physical fight, his first break down, his first episode…my first experience of an episode…I can’t ever forget that day, just coming home to-

Firsts were not something I found pleasure in anymore.
So much so that the whole thought of it all was making me extremely depressed, and I was in need of an urgent pick me up and distraction, as soon as I was done with work.
Who better to complete the task than one of my best friends?

***

“Thank you so much,” I sighed in relief, as I opened the door to Lydia that night. I’d called her after the post office errand to see if she wanted to stay for a few nights while the boys were away, and luckily, she’d agreed to two nights. She always got kind of sad when Kenny was gone and claimed she needed the distraction also. I couldn’t blame her; it could get extremely lonely when the boys left for tour and all of us girls knew that first hand. Hilary definitely had it the worst when Austin was away. “You don’t know how glad I am to see you.”

“Of course babe,” she chuckled, greeting me in a hug as best she could with the bags in her hands. “I grabbed a few things because I know we both have considerably different diets.” She said lightly, following me into the kitchen.

“I don’t consider what you and Kenny eat a ‘diet’ anyway.” I teased, as she set the plastic bag down on the bench. “But really, thank you for coming. I appreciate it.”

“I’m not gonna lie, I was kind of surprised.” She admitted, turning to me as she placing her duffel bag down. “I figured with all of this John drama, you’d want a little time to yourself.”

“That’s what I thought,” I nodded, “turns out, without him distracting me, my thoughts wander and I’m left in dangerous territory. I couldn’t stop thinking about the episode six, well seven months back. I knew I’d get used to him being away, like I did for every tour, but right now…things were more intense than they had been in a long time.

“Well, I’m happy to be of assistance to your withdrawals.” She joked lightly, before shooting me a pout. “Plus, I really miss Kenny.”
I let out a laugh and embraced her in a hug. “I’m so glad you’re here Lyd.” I sighed gratefully.

“Me too babe,” she mumbled, “it’s been a while since we hung out and things haven’t been tense or suffocated by the whole John drama.”

I pulled away and nodded knowingly. “Wine?” I asked, and grabbed two glasses when she nodded. “I get where Kennedy was coming from- he has a right to be mad with John.”

“No,” she scoffed, “he really doesn’t. He’s been judgmental and rude about it when we’re at home and I’m over it.”

I raised an eyebrow as I went through the fridge looking for the bottle that I’d had to hide from John. I’d noticed the bottle of Jack Daniels was missing from the cabinet and a bad feeling grew in my stomach. “Really?” I asked, grabbing the bottle of red and proceeding to fill the two glasses.

Lydia nodded, taking a seat at the bar stool on the other side of the island. “He was really pissed when he saw John strangle you, and throw his drink over you.”

I felt like adding our recent tumble down the stairs but remembered what he said about keeping things to ourselves. “The guys are always protective.”

“I know, but…I just hope it doesn’t come between him and John. That band means everything to him, but his heart is bigger than his head most of the time.” She sighed, running a hand through her black hair.

“And sometimes that can be a bad thing?” I asked knowingly, turning around and handing her a glass.

She rolled her eyes and nodded, taking a large sip. “I mean I love him, but sometimes he just needs to remember to step back and not get so involved in other people’s lives.”

“Hey, too much compassion is better than no compassion.” I reasoned, sending her a look as I leant against the bench. It didn’t put a lot of strain on my hand, but my hip, as it was still majorly bruised, along with my entire left side.

“Anyway, let’s stop complaining about the boys,” she mused, waving them off. “How’s work?”

We talked for a little while about my work and then hers, which was a good way to get my mind off of the daunting pile of work I had waiting for me at the office. I was not looking forward to that tomorrow.

“So there’s this really gorgeous instructor that just started in the ring
next to me,” she gushed, “Wow, he’s absolutely-“

“Off limits?” I laughed, lifting my glass to my lips.

She blushed, poking her tongue out at me. “I’m into the lanky dudes, we’re all good, but damn Lei, he’s gorgeous.”

“Maybe if you and Kenny don’t work out he can be your next victim.” I teased.

“He’s married- twenty four and married, can you believe that?” She pouted. “God young love these days. Kennedy’s twenty four but I
don’t see him ring shopping.”

“Hey, John’s twenty five, do you see him proposing anytime soon?” I retorted lightly.

It didn’t seem to communicate well and she looked down at her glass awkwardly.

“Hey, it was a joke.” I prompted, trying to make eye contact. “I’ve come to terms with the fact that a future like that for us is way off in the distant future, if it ever happens.”

She looked up at me, eyes full of sympathy. “But don’t you want to get married?”

I shrugged, of course I did. “I’ve had to learn how to adapt to his lifestyle.”

“You’re extremely selfless, Lei.” She mused. “I don’t know how I would have lasted this long had it been Kennedy.” She admitted. “I mean I love him, but I couldn’t go through that much emotional distress.”

“It is tough sometimes,” I nodded in agreement, “but it’s worth it. Some days I really wish he’d just go away on tour, but I always want him to come home. Always.”

“He’s lucky, that stupid boy,” Lydia sighed, “he just doesn’t know it.”

***

Having Lydia here with me was definitely doing me some good. Last night, I got a great nights’ sleep which actually surprised me a lot, to be honest. I didn’t think that’d happen, considering I was always a mess the first night John wasn’t here. I guess I was too tired to be emotional about it. That and it felt good to have someone sleeping in the house that wasn’t causing me any emotional or physical pain.

It was refreshing.

I was going to need to feel refreshed for today’s events, considering our newest intern was starting with us today. I was somewhat nervous how he was going to feel with the sudden work load, but I knew he’d get the hang of it quickly. His resume was quite impressive, according to Tim.

I got up early, at six am that morning to take a quick shower and get ready for the day. Once leaving the bathroom, I got changed into a sunflower print dress and paired it with stockings and my old black Docs. I tied my hair back into a messy pony tail and quickly did my
make-up. When I headed downstairs, Lydia was in her boxing gear and already eating her breakfast, some gross looking wheat cereal.

She wore her silk boxing shorts and a hot pink sports bra, showing off her ridiculously toned abdomen. I couldn’t help but look at her while she ate, flipping through on her phone. “Oh morning.” She smiled, looking up from her phone.

“Morning, what time did you wake up?” I asked curiously.

“Four thirty,” she shrugged, “I went for a run at five.”

My eyes widened. “Why do you hate yourself?”

She let out a laugh. “Me and Kenny go for runs all the time.”

“Yeah and I bet it shows in your sex life,” I scoffed as I walked to the fridge, looking for any piece of fruit. We’d gone for a grocery shop on the weekend and I’d made the mistake of letting John unpack.

When I didn’t get a response, I looked over at her, worried I’d crossed a boundary. I figured the guys spoke- I knew the guys spoke like that all the time.

She blushed, flipping me off. “Shut up.”

I laughed, returning to the fridge. “Babe, I can’t stop looking at your body, it’s absolutely ridiculous.”

“God you’re worse than Kennedy,” she smirked, getting up and
taking her bowl to the sink, rinsing it out and placing it in the dying rack before turning to me. She crossed her arms over her chest as she leant against the bench. “But I’m not gonna lie, he looks good when we go running.” She gushed, rolling her eyes playfully. “Like, when we do the trails on hot days and he takes his shirt off, oh my god-“

“Found it!” I called, cutting her off as I reached for the apple at the back of the shelf. “AKA, I don’t need to hear about how good he looks hot and sweaty.” I teased.

She poked her tongue out at me. “I should get going anyway, I have an early session. I’ll see you later, loser.”

“Yeah yeah, I should be home about six tonight.” I informed, taking a bite into my apple.

She nodded. “I don’t finish until seven so I’ll be back around then. Have a fantastic day, weirdo.” She called on her way out.

I rolled my eyes and laughed. “Bye!”

I was left completely alone in the house for the first time in what seemed like forever. Even though John had only been home for a couple of weeks, it felt like months. That’s how tiring it was getting with him home, even if I missed him like crazy (on the side).

I looked around the kitchen, taking in the environment. There was so much of John in this house, it was almost insane. We had a small whiteboard on the fridge and beneath the shopping list written in both our handwriting, I’d come to find the small ‘I love you’ in his messy scrawl.

In the cabinet above the fridge, there was a plastic box marked ‘John’s Meds’, where all of his medication was kept. The fridge itself was littered with photos of us and all of our friends. On the middle of the island in the kitchen, was a pile of bills we’d paid, but had yet to file them away. John didn’t pay too much attention to paying bills, that was my job. We had a split bank account considering we were living together, so both our money went there, I was just the only one who actually knew how to pay the bills. He wasn’t extremely domesticated, but he knew how to do the typical around the house jobs, like mow the lawn and tend to broken things and what not.
In fact, in our backyard, we had a patio, that him and the guys built on a long weekend. It was a regular hangout for the boys and they were incredibly proud about their efforts, even though they accomplished the project a year ago.

In the hallway, we had a huge bookshelf, a lot of the books ranging from American classics, to philosophy and religion, to autobiographies. Majority of them were John’s because he loved to read, but a fair share were mine. He also chose a lot of the art that hung on our walls. Some of it was modern and colorful, but overall our house had this traditional, native American/gypsy look. Our bedroom was easily the best in the house, our bed draped in white sheets, a dark blue comforter at the end. We had clothes everywhere, all the time, but in a structured kind of way. We had a large dark dresser against the wall across from the bed, littered with random books and items. There was a stand for my jewelry (and his) that stood by the TV. Overall it was us. This house reflected the type of human beings we were. He was free-spirited, and young at heart. But he was one of the most creative and wise people I’d ever met. Sometimes it suffocated him, his knowledge. Sometimes it caused him panic attacks and ridiculously intense anxiety. Sometimes he didn’t know when to stop, and I worried about that.

I worried a lot about him.

******

“Okay guys, this is Caleb!” I called, leaving my office and heading to the front doors of the warehouse. “He’s here so make him feel welcome.”

“Yes mom,” Elijah scoffed.

“Lei don’t worry, seriously, we’re going to be fine.” Jack nodded.
“He’ll fit right in.”

“Lennon, he’s your protégé, so inspire him and rock his world,” I teased.

“I’ll do my best,” Lennon said cockily, leaning back in his chair.

I looked out the window to see Caleb get out of his car. My jaw dropped, because wow this boy was attractive. He had shaggy black hair, pushed behind his ears, and really tanned skin. I couldn’t see his eyes from here, but I knew they’d be to die for.

He approached the entrance of the warehouse, clad in black skinny jeans, a black leather jacket, and black combat boots on his feet. His messenger bag was hanging off of his left shoulder, a burning out cigarette in his hand.

The knock on the door startled me and I heard sniggering coming from the desks. I sent them all a look and headed to the door, opening it to greet our newest employee.

“Hi! You must be Caleb,” I said, holding a hand out as I pulled the door back. “I’m Leighton.”

“Leighton, nice to meet you,” he smiled, shaking my hand. Oh god that smile…I hadn’t seen teeth that perfect since John’s last orthodontist appointment when he got his fake teeth replaced. “I am indeed Caleb.”

“Come on in, I’m glad you found the place okay.” I commented, closing the door behind him.

“I stopped by 8123, Tim directed me on down here.” He nodded.

“Here, I’ll introduce you to the team,” I said, which caught the attention of…well, the team. “Lennon’s head of the design team, and works with Elijah and Tate, who help with the PR stuff also. Jack runs the packaging, shipping, transporting and printing and what not with Layla. We all work together to get the postage and packages done when we have big orders.” I explained.

“It’s great to meet you man,” Lennon nodded with a wave. “It really is great to have you on board.”

“Thanks, I appreciate it.” Caleb nodded, as the rest of the team said their hello’s.

“Okay, so if you’ll follow me, I’ll give you a run through of the internship and your work.” I said, leading him into my office, making sure to flick the stereo on as I passed.

He sat in the chair across from my desk, while I sat behind and started shifting papers around to find the paperwork assigned for him. “Neat office.”

“Thanks,” I chuckled, “it’s definitely an advantage for when I need to focus solely on my work.”

“I noticed the upstairs also?” He questioned, pointing towards the roof.

“Oh yes!” I nodded, completely forgetting about that. “There’s a kitchen and lounge up on that small balcony. “We usually take our breaks there, eat and what not. Feel free to use it. All the facilities here are for you to use so make yourself right at home.”

“Thank you,” he smiled, “for being so welcoming. I thought the job alone was too good to be true.”

“I heard you’re quite talented with design, Tim said you stood out from the rest.” I replied, finally finding his work and push it across to him. “We want to help develop and utilize those skills, so Lennon will take you under his wing for at least an hour a day to work on that, give you a break from all of this shitty paper work I’m about to dump on you.” I explained, wincing at the end.

“Oh don’t worry about the paper work, having that kind of experience with a professional designer definitely makes up for it.” He chuckled, sitting back in his seat. “So, what else should I know?”

His laid back demeanor made me think of how John used to be. He didn’t let overwhelming things over take him, he just went with the flow. Not nowadays though, no way. Through out Caleb’s induction, I couldn’t stop comparing him to John. The crooked grin, compared to Caleb’s perfect smile. The same aftershave that I smelt on my boyfriend each morning lingered off of him. I should never have expected my mind to be anywhere else than my boyfriend even when he was in California.

I showed Caleb to his desk just outside my office, so he was within reach of my office yet still had his own space to do his work. It was also conveniently spaced from the rest of the group so he could still feel the inclusivity of the company.

I was interrupted at four o’clock by a phone call from Dr. Adams, calling about John’s appointment he’d apparently missed today. I completely forgot to call up and cancel since he was away, but used the phone call as a chance to ask about the incident earlier last week.

“I was wondering if I could ask you something,” I began nervously. “About John.”

“Fire away, Leighton.” Dr. Adams encouraged. Since meeting him and working with him for John, I’d developed quite a strong relationship with Dr. Adams, and I appreciated that, because it made it easier to ask rather intimate questions.

“I was just wondering, if OCD was common with depression.” I suggested, unsure of how to retell the experience.

“OCD is highly common with depression. It can usually be a trigger to depression and frustration, but it can also act as a symptom, similar to restlessness if something doesn’t go their way, or unreleased anger and so forth. Has John been showing signs of OCD?” Dr. Adams asked.

Okay, so the OCD wasn’t an abnormal thing. “Uh yeah, he doesn’t like certain things, when we get intimate.” I blushed, even though we were speaking through the phone. “And I mean I know that’s normal, but I mean there’s some things that he gets really…aggressive about it, and freaks out.”

“I see…so this occurs when you get sexually intimate?” He asked.

“Yes,” I nodded.

“Leighton, do you know if John has a past in sex addiction?” Dr. Adams asked, not even thinking twice about it.

My eyes widened. I’d never thought of that before. “I…I don’t…he would have told me about something like that. He wasn’t before we started dating from what I know, and as a teenager he was a good kid, so I don’t think he’s ever had an addiction like that.”

But I wasn’t one hundred percent sure.

“Alright, I’ll talk to his therapist and see if he’s said anything about
that, but leave it up to the OCD, Leighton. Patients with OCD are compulsive about lots of different things, and we’ve had many different cases where a patient has reacted badly towards a breach of trust or an action that challenges one of their OCD characteristics, which in your case, is what has appeared to have happened.”

“So I shouldn’t be too worried about it?” I asked, feeling somewhat relieved.

“Exactly,” Dr. Adams confirmed. “It’s only OCD. As long as he’s not being violent towards you, you’re fine.”

Oh.

“Is…is violence something to be cautious of with depression?” I asked subtly, twirling my hair between my fingers.

“In some cases, unfortunately it can be. There’s two types though, violence on purpose, or random outbursts that are uncontrolled. Although the first type is a lot more dangerous, the second can develop and become a regular thing. The patient can hold in all of the anger and randomly react to a situation completely unlike them, and it may cause more issues relating to identity crisis and emotional instability. So if anything like this is going on, it’s important to let us know.”

He was going to take anger management classes, we were dealing with it. Dr. Adams didn’t need to know right now. The last thing I wanted was for John to be taken away over a misunderstanding.

I ended up thanking Dr. Adams for his help and we hung up, allowing me a chance to think about what was just said. Sex addiction? John didn’t seem like the type of person that would get addicted to sex. Alcohol? Maybe. Smoking? Definitely. But sex? It seemed a bit far-fetched. But at least now with the OCD confirmation, I had something to hang the reaction on. OCD was common with depression and I should have known that by now. I guess I was going to actually have to buy the self-help books from the local book store, rather than just reading them and placing them back.
It was worse than picking up his medication, to be honest. The people in line behind you, the person serving you behind the counter, all judging you for picking up that particular book.
I know it was a bad way to think about it, but I couldn’t help it. This was me taking matters into my own hands and sorting out his problems. I had to learn how to deal with this all if it was going to be something that would be around for a long time.

It was up to me to hold him up.

***

“You did really well today,” I said to Caleb, as we stood outside of the warehouse after work. Everyone else had gone home but I stopped let him know how he went on his first day while he finished a cigarette. “Good job on your first day.”

“Just a bunch of paperwork,” he chuckled, waving it off modestly as he exhaled.

“Yeah, that I would have spread out through the week, did that all in three hours and got in some time with Lennon.” I said. “Like I said, good job.”

“Well you seemed pretty busy in there, you were sticking post-it notes all over your office.” He chuckled.

I blushed. “I’m brainstorming names for the line, thankfully I have a few rough ideas so far. I’ve been stuck over this for weeks now.” I admitted.

“Yeah? What’d you come up with?” He asked curiously.

I winced, “Well it’s the girls’ answer to the Lost Boys so-“

“The Lost Girls!” He said quickly.

I let out a laugh. “Literally everyone says that, but no I came up with Wanderlust Girls.”

He pondered the name for a moment, nodding and saying it silently. I wanted to hear what it sounded like on somebody else’s lips. “So like, the Lost Boys, and the Wanderlust Girls, so the boys are travelling without a cause and then they come across this rare breed of girls, stricken with wanderlust, a purpose of travel, and it kind of-“

“Gives the boys a sense of direction, a purpose to keep getting lost.” I nodded, finishing the concept. I liked how in depth he went with it. It was a simple name but I felt that it was deep enough to go further with, and that it actually had some substance to it.

“I love it,” he grinned, throwing his cigarette on the ground and stamping it out. “That sounds great.”

“Thanks,” I smiled, pleased it had gotten one positive vote so far. I couldn’t wait to tell John and ask him what he thought of the concept, and Pat too, seeing as he had a lot of creative input behind the Lost Boys so we would probably be working together again in the near future. I always loved working with Pat, he had such a great working mentality and energy that was really exciting to get creative with...until he started sleeping with my best friend. Shit. “Now I can finally get a move on with the designs.”

“That’s going to be exciting,” he nodded, “can’t wait for all of that paperwork.” He smirked.

“Oh I’ll be piling it on, you’re my office bitch.” I laughed, patting him on the shoulder. “Anyway, I’ll see you tomorrow hun, I’ll be nice because you’re an intern, you can come in at eight thirty.”

“That sounds great,” he chuckled. “See you tomorrow Leighton.” He called as he headed over to his car. I headed over to my own BMW and got in, calling a goodbye before heading on home.

Driving home, I felt a lot more accomplished than I had been earlier. Now that I was pretty convinced on the name (as simple and basic as it may be) I could start getting more in-depth with the design process. Like before, I started thinking about the work I’d be doing with Pat, who was really involved in the production for The Lost Boys. But then again, I’d called him pathetic for sleeping with Tate. I mean he was, he was completely pathetic for sleeping with his best friends’ girlfriend, and he was completely stupid for doing this right when I needed him for the new line. Selfish bastard.

What was I going to do about knowing about them? I sure as hell wasn’t going to tell Garrett, no way, that was her dirty work and her problem to clean up. Like hell was I going to break his heart for her.
When I got home, I was reminded of the fact that John wouldn’t be there. It was strange, after getting back into the routine of him being home before me every day. I know I’d lived like that for the past four months, but I was just starting to get used to it again. Like I was just starting to get used to him in bed every night.

I switched off the ignition and headed on up to the front door, heading inside. I didn’t lock the door because I knew Lydia would be home in half an hour, and instead started planning dinner. I know Lyd would have some gross health kick meal, and opted for mac n’ cheese instead. Whenever I’m away, or unable to cook dinner, John will make sure he has noodles or mac n’ cheese, or something to make a sandwich with because he’s not the world’s greatest cook and we both know that. Like I said, his specialty being the Mexican rice dish Kennedy’s mom taught them to make, but that was it.

At least he tried.

I was just about finished making my macaroni when I heard Lydia come through the door. She was breathing heavy and fanning her face with her hands when I turned around to greet her. “Wow, rough day?” I teased lightly.

She nodded. “I had a class of teenage boys that went all fight club on me,” she puffed, “gave my thighs a work out better than Kenny ever has, god damn.”

“Alright too many bad words in front of the abstinent queen.” I scoffed, turning back to my food. “I’m making mac n’ cheese-“

“Oh god, do you know how many carbs is in that? Think of all that cheese-“

“You’re talking out loud again!” I sang over her.

“Sorry,” she laughed. “I’m going all personal trainer on you. You and Johno are sticks so I guess it doesn’t really matter what you put into your bodies.” She shrugged as she headed for the stairs.

I scoffed. “We are not sticks.”

“Take a look in the mirror babe, you’re a lanky girl.” She teased, before disappearing just before I could respond.

I rolled my eyes before continuing on with dinner. I didn’t get very far though, before my phone started ringing from the kitchen bench behind me. I let out a dramatic groan as I left the stove to retrieve my phone, stopping when John’s name flashed across the screen. A stupidly pathetic smile adorning my lips. I sat up on the bench and lifted the phone to my ear, answering his call. “Hello?”

“Hey baby, it’s me.” He greeted tiredly.

“Hey darlin’, how are you?” I asked. “You sound tired?”

“Oh my god, it’s been amazing, Lei, we did a sound bath today and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.” He gushed.

“There’s so much good energy out here, I don’t want to leave.”

“Well that’s really good to hear,” I nodded slowly, “I’m glad you’re getting the most out of it.”

“Me too Lei, I’m so relieved we came out here. We’re writing some pretty good stuff as well and the desert…the desert is fucking stunning.” He breathed.

“Are you outside right now?” I asked.

“Yeah, the sun’s setting.” He replied, sounding like he was too busy taking in the view to talk to me. “It’s gorgeous.”

“You always had a thing for the desert, huh?”

“It’s like a pathetic school crush.” He chuckled. “I’m in love with this place.”

“Am I gonna get you back?” I teased.

“Not if I can help it.” He joked.

I chewed on my lip, not sure of what to say next. I thought back to my major success in my career, and decided to ask him what he thought about the name. But, before I could bring it up, he began talking about the writing and the demos they were tracking on their iPhones. I didn’t interrupt, I let him speak. I let him talk and talk about how happy he was with the progress they’d made so far. I hadn’t heard him this happy in a long time, so I let him take over, I let him talk.

“And yeah…it’s great babe-oh I gotta go, we’re going out. But I’ll call you soon, okay?” He said quickly.

“Yeah alright-“

“Alright cool talk to you soon Lei, bye.”

“Bye-“

I was interrupted by a dial tone and sighed. “I love you.” I mumbled, pulling my phone away and pressing ‘End’. I looked down at my phone and my eyes watered as I looked at my background, which was a picture of me and John at 8123. It was my favorite photo of us, sitting on the ground in a parking lot. I had a stupid smile on my face as he kissed my cheek, a grin pulling at his lips. His arms were wrapped drunkenly around me, my legs over his. Dirk took the photo of us (of course) and when I saw it on his Tumblr a few days later, amongst a lot of other photos of everyone else, I couldn’t help but get it printed and saved to my phone.

But back to my current issue.

I know he was trying, and I know he was trying to get better, but sometimes…I couldn’t help but feel useless to him, like I wasn’t of any need to him. The conversation we had? He could have called up Eric and started talking to him, saying the exact same thing. He didn’t even say ‘I love you’ or ‘I miss you’. It was like he was talking to his brother.

Of course, not really, because he punched his little brother in the mouth.

I didn’t even get to ask him if he used to be a sex addict.

Joking, obviously.

*******

“You okay babe?” Lydia asked, as we sat on the couch that night, watching some TV movie. “You’ve been quiet since dinner.”

I looked up, making eye contact and throwing her a false smile. “Oh yeah, I’m fine. Just exhausted.” I lied.

“Okay, so who were you talking to when I was upstairs?” She asked, “I could hear you rambling away to somebody. I refuse to believe you’ve gone insane.”

“Just John,” I said quietly, focusing on the movie playing before us. “He just rang to let me know how things were going.”

She nodded understandingly. “Kenny called me this morning doing the same thing. Said they were going for a sound bath or something?”

“Yeah he said it was one of the best experiences of his life.” I mused, shrugging my shoulders. “He sounded happy so that’s good.”

Lydia rambled on about what else Kennedy had said and I lost myself in blank nods and half-hearted responses. No matter what I was doing, I couldn’t get my mind off of him. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and how one-sided our relationship had grown to be. No matter how many times I was told ‘I love you’ y him, I couldn’t help but feel like a stilt for him.

He was leaning on me to satisfy his own loneliness.