Don't Give Up (On Me)

“I love you,”

I looked up from my mess of fashion magazine cutouts I was rifling through to add to my portfolio. My second year in the game of graphic designing and I still updated my inspiration portfolio whenever I could. I didn’t want to fall into boring old designs, instead aspiring to bring in new ideas into the store. This session was one I always put one hundred percent of my attention into, even if John was lazing around on my couch behind me, like he had been, every day since he’d been back from tour. So you could probably understand how shocked I was after shutting him out for the past half an hour.

But ‘I love you’? Five months after we’d been together? We were due to move in together next month, into a house not too far from the 8123 offices. You would have thought we’d said it by now, but no…we hadn’t quite gotten there.

Not knowing what to say, I didn’t turn around. I pretended not to hear him and continued with my portfolio.

“Okay, ouch.”

I bit my lip and slowly swivelled around to look at him. He turned his head to me as he laid across my couch, his feet hanging over the edge due to his long legs. “Sorry, can you repeat the question?” I mumbled.

He let out a laugh. “Oh my god Lei, that was so bad.”

I sent him a pout. “You caught me off guard, asshole.”

His eyes widened and he couldn’t stop laughing. “God damn, that is exactly why I love you. So unpredictably charming.”

“I…I love you too.”

He stopped laughing, looking even more surprised as the words left my mouth. I was surprised too, I didn’t think I was going to say that when I woke up this morning. But that human, laying on the couch right in front of me? Yeah, I was in love with him. “Really? You’re not just saying that because you feel sorry for me?”

I nodded slowly, a smile growing on my lips. “Yes, I love you, you idiot.”

“C’mere,” He smirked, holding his arms out to pull me into them.

I got up from my position on the floor and climbed onto the couch so I was sitting lightly over his waist. “Hmmm?”

His large hands gripped my hip bones, but I suppressed the pleasurable groan sitting at the back of my throat. “There is no one on Earth I’d rather be with. You’re the one that holds me up baby, don’t you forget that.”

Like hell had I forgotten that.

***

“One soy milk latte please,” I asked over the counter. “And a cream cheese bagel to go.”

I paid for my order before standing to the side to wait patiently. It was a Wednesday morning and I was early into work. I’d left at six thirty so I could grab breakfast instead of make it. I woke up feeling like shit, leaving dreams of how we used to be in order to face the world and its harsh reality.
Lydia also left this morning, heading back home. Not to worry, I called Jac and she’d decided to stay Wednesday night and we’d spend the entire Thursday together, a typical girls day. I understood that she could only spend one night, considering Eric wasn’t on tour and Nick was also visiting from Massachusetts and staying with them for his stay. Who knows, maybe he’d be my next victim.

“Soy milk latte!”

I walked up and grabbed my order before leaving the café and heading across the road to the warehouse. Like expected, I was the first one there and took advantage of that to finally take a well-deserved break. I woke up this morning feeling like complete crap because I kept having dreams about when John and I first got together. I never thought I’d feel so shitty about the happier times. Maybe it’s because there was this growing feeling in my stomach telling me that I could never get those back.
I sure hoped I was wrong.

I got to the warehouse and unlocked it, leaving the door open behind me. Making my way to my office, I made sure to turn the stereo on as I passed. Today was going to be a long day, I was sure of it, and it was the last thing I needed right now.

I had my breakfast and got to work immediately on the designs for the logo, which I figured I’d just do in the same font as Lost Boys. Once I’d finished up with the logo, I had to send it to Tim to see what he thought of it and the name over all. That was going to be a long wait for his approval, seeming much longer than I knew it would be. But I knew Tim would get back to me honestly and tell me what he really thought of it, and for that I was glad. I started drawing up designs for the logo and different variations, although I was pretty set on a specific one.

“You’re the one that holds me up baby,”

I shook my head and kept working. I don’t know why these memories were starting to come back now. Right when things were getting shittier? All I needed was good memories to make me feel even worse.

“That is exactly why I love you,”

And my personal favorite memory? The day we met. The day Tim introduced us in that building down the road from here. The building that I’ve spent so much of my time in, the past three years, to be exact.

It was September now, meaning three months until our anniversary in December. December 2cnd was the day we became official.

“Oh Leighton, this is John. John, this is Leighton, she’s head of merchandise design down the road in the warehouse.” Tim introduced as he searched for a particular document for John. Something about an upcoming tour. I knew that John lived in Tim’s basement, and was the lead singer of The Maine, Tim’s brothers’ band that he managed. Tim had told me about him before, saying he was brilliantly single and depressingly dramatic about it through his lyrics. I’d met the rest of the guys from The Maine that morning during the meeting for their new merch, but John hadn’t shown up and was here to retrieve extra information about that and the tour.

“Hi, nice to meet you.” I nodded politely.

He threw me a crooked grin, causing my heart to skip a beat, almost startling me. “Hi, you too. Are you new here?”

I shook my head. “About a year and a bit.”

“Shit and Tim is only introducing us now?” John smirked, sending Tim a look, who rolled his eyes. “He can be a bit naïve sometimes-“

“Says you!” Tim scoffed, shoving him as he walked past. “Stop trying to sweet talk Leighton and follow me, asshole. We have to talk about the tour.”

“Hey, sorry if I had a family breakfast.” John scoffed. “You know I can’t get out of those.”

“Such a mama’s boy.” Tim muttered as he left the room.

“I should follow, but it was great meeting you, Leighton,” John nodded, “hopefully I’ll run into you again
sometime.”

I nodded with a smile, “Yeah you too John.”

And did I ever expect that that day would change the rest of my life forever?

No way in hell.

***

I was startled from my light slumber when there was a loud knock on the desk. I lifted my head to soft The Rolling Stones coming from the main area and a tall figure in front of me, smelling of smoke and expensive aftershave.

Caleb grinned and tilted his head to the side. “You alright boss?”

I blinked twice to gain my eye sight back, widened them when I looked at the time on my computer. “It’s already eight o’clock? How long have I been out?” I asked, standing from my desk and heading towards the door of my office.

“She finally awakes!” Lennon called dramatically from his desk, sitting back in his seat. He had his sketch book open with three mugs surrounding him. He was a mad creative genius when it came to his designing and we all knew it. When he was in the zone, you didn’t disrupt him. He was kind of crazy like that.

“Hey guys,” I greeted, raising a hand. “I got here a bit early but I must’ve fallen asleep anyway.”

“Typical Lei,” Lennon chuckled. “You just looked oh so peaceful in there we let you be for half an hour.”

“I’m glad you woke me,” I nodded to Caleb. “You haven’t been bored have you?”

“No way, Lennon’s been showing me some stuff.” Caleb nodded, shoving his hands in his pockets. It was cute, the shyness.

“You should see the kids’ skill, Lei,” Lennon scoffed, “don’t know why he’s not already in the industry.”

My eyes widened as I looked over at him. Of course he was already blushing. “Really?”

He rubbed the back of his neck, waving it off. “Nah, it’s just-“

“Just freaking amazing.” Layla scoffed.

“Well, you’re gonna have to show me,” I said, shoving him playfully. “But right now, I need you to help out with the rest of the packaging and then go with the others to send it all off okay?”

He nodded, walking over to Layla and Jack, who had resumed to their own little world, rapidly packaging up the latest order to get them ready for shipping this afternoon.

I looked back at Lennon, noticing he was the only one at the designing table. “Where’s Elijah and Tate?”

“I sent them down to the store to get me more supplies,” Lennon yawned, stretching his arms above his head. “And to get new samples from Tim.”

“What new samples?” I asked with a frown on my face. Did the both of them really need to go and get them?

“The new merch samples, he sent you an email apparently, but he sent one to me too because you usually respond within five seconds and you didn’t.” Lennon chuckled. “Caleb said you came up with a name, huh?”

I nodded, taking the seat across from him. “Wanderlust Girls,” I said, before giving him the full concept.

He let it linger in his mind before giving me an enthusiastic and positive response. I’m glad our head designer was on board, knowing I’d be needing his help and input when I started designing the line.

“You gonna call Pat in?” Lennon asked.

Thank god Tate wasn’t here.

“Yeah maybe,” I nodded. “I want to become more independent with this line,” I lied, “y’know, coz it’s my first one.”

“That’s true,” Lennon nodded in agreement. “But he kind of co-directs Lost Boys with Tim, so there will be eventual collaboration.” He stated, somewhat indicating a possible ‘issue’ I may have with the drummer.

I nodded it off, trying not to be painfully obvious about it. “So what else have you got to do today?”

To say it was becoming a demanding issue was an understatement. I was always talking with Tate every day at work. To go from that nonstop communication, to hardly talking, was difficult. I was close with the rest of the group, but I told Tate so many things about my relationship with John, in order to get by every day. Don’t get me wrong, I had Jac to talk to, but Tate was somebody I could talk to during the day, during work in order to refocus on what I was meant to be doing. Troubles with my boyfriend was overloading my brain and him not being here (and unable to listen on the phone) didn’t make it any easier. How was I supposed to talk about his OCD issue and apparent sex addiction?

I really needed to stop with the sarcastic comments.

Hearing that it was OCD and pent up anger that caused this reaction out of John was somewhat comforting yet hard to hear at the same time. While I was glad to blame it on something, I wasn’t so convinced OCD was the right one. I mean yeah, he double checked every door he locked twice (sometimes even three times on the off day we’d leave the house), and not in a cute ‘I don’t want anyone to walk in on us’ or ‘domestic husband’ kind of way, in a ‘just let me check the fucking door, Leighton’ kind of way. Someone walking into the bedroom was the least of his worries…unless it’s happened before…

I stood quickly, startling Lennon. “Sorry, I’ve gotta make a call.” I said, knowing I was interrupting him and his list of things he had to get done today.

“Yeah okay,” he chuckled, sending me a weird look, waving me off as I darted towards my office, closing the door behind me.

Once settled into my seat, I rummaged through my handbag for my mobile, only having one number in mind now that the possibility of ‘sex addiction’ was becoming more and more plausible. I sat behind my desk with my leg shaking nervously. His best friend would know about every hook up he’d ever had, so I could trust him on telling me the truth. I couldn’t wait any longer- I had to know the back story of my boyfriends sex life.

God that sounded so bad.

***

“Thanks for meeting me,” I sighed, sitting down in front of Eric two hours later in one of the cafes across the road. The fact that Eric suggested we meet up and talk instead of having the conversation over the phone somewhat nerved me. What was so big we couldn’t talk over the phone?

“No problem darlin’, how are you?” He asked, leaning forward on his elbows. “How’s your bruise healing?”

“Still painful,” I admitted with a wince. I’d looked at it this morning and wasn’t impressed with the coloring- in short, it was disgusting. “But it’s getting better I guess.”

“And how are you going with having him away?” Eric asked, pushing with the questions.

“It’s alright, but I miss him,” I scoffed, rolling my eyes. “I have Jac staying tonight, and Lyd was over the last two nights. I know that sounds pathetic-“

“It’s not pathetic.” Eric said, shaking his head. “Not pathetic at all.”

I didn’t need the pity talk. I took a deep breath. “So I asked you-“

“Should we order first?” He interrupted, picking up a menu and standing. “I’ll go order for us, what do you want, Lei?”

I sent him a look. “Is it really that bad?” I sighed.

He bit his lip. “It’s…for lack of a better word, depressing.”

I pointed to my usual and let him go order, mentally preparing myself for whatever was going to be revealed. If he knew, how many of the others knew? Did Jac know, whatever it was? Was I the naïve one here?

Eric was back in front of me a few minutes later, sitting anxiously.

“Why do you look nervous?” I frowned. “Oh god, how bad is it?”

“Okay first of all, it wasn’t sex addiction, addiction.” He stated clearly. “So calm down,”

I leaned across the table and smacked him on the arm. “Well thanks for getting me worked up about it!”

“I’m sorry!” He exclaimed, rubbing his arm. “You’re a girl, that was a natural happening.”

I rolled my eyes and leaned in. “Just tell me, Eric. John’s doctor is under the impression he’s also a sex addict.”

“Okay, so before he met you? He was single for years, right?” Eric started, making sure we were on the same page. “Since nineteen?”

I nodded. “Yeah…oh god, he was hooking up with hundreds of girls, wasn’t he?” I groaned, my cheeks going red at the embarrassment of ignorance.

“Well uh…not quite. You know what age he lost his virginity at, right?” He asked, blushing slightly.

“Nineteen,” I murmured. It completely threw me off when I first heard, too.

“Exactly, the reason he kind of…grew up and stopped trying with girls was because of the girl he was with when he was with nineteen.” Eric explained. Okay, so far it wasn’t completely shocking. “She was obviously his first, and he was saving himself because he thought she was the one, and what not, but god Lei, she was a nutcase.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Seriously?”

He nodded. “They’d get drunk all the time, and I mean we all smoke weed every now and than, you know that, but she was high a lot of the time, and anyway, Max threw this party the night before we were all due out for a tour in South America, and she was wasted. She’d gotten John drunk too and- I mean I wasn’t there, but he told me about it Lei, he was so vulnerable, and she took advantage of that.” Eric sighed, shaking his head.

I was about to question him further, when our lunch was brought over. I wasn’t that hungry and only ordered a small burrito and pink lemonade. I hadn’t had one of those drinks in a long time, not since before the last tour, when me and John would come down and get one almost every second day.

When we were stuck into our meals, he continued.

“He didn’t necessarily want to do it with her, but he wasn’t denying her so it wasn’t rape, I mean she’s not that much of a monster, y’know? But she only wanted him for the sex. Apparently she was insane in the bedroom, really full on for his first time y’know? I mean he was nineteen, he wasn’t exactly unaware of what was going on, but he said it was scarring. She touched him in places that made him uncomfortable- like he felt like he was being…molested almost.”

No wonder he hated me touching him like that; it was just a reminder of what she put him through. She’d violated his trust, and he must’ve thought I set out to do the same.

“What color hair did she have?” I asked.

“Black, don’t worry hun, you’re not a reminder.” He chuckled, trying to lighten up the conversation. “I’m guessing you’ve never heard about her before?”

“This is the first,” I nodded, “I can’t believe he went through that…” I mumbled. “He was used by that…that whore.” I scoffed.

“That’s why he has trust issues,” Eric nodded.

“I…touched him in a way he’s said he didn’t like before, and I forgot, but that’s why he knocked me down the stairs.” I explained, letting out a sigh as I stopped to take a drink.

“It must have triggered a memory,” Eric said, “it’s what started his OCD about that kind of stuff, and making sure doors-“

“She must have set that into him, huh?” I mused.

He nodded. “It’s crazy, how much his first bad experience with a girl can have that kind of effect on him. But at least it’s not anything too bad, y’know?”

I nodded in agreement. “It doesn’t get me that much further into what the cause of his depression was either.”

“Oh no, he’s been like this before she came along,” Eric nodded, “he’s been this way for years, Lei. It’s only the past year or so that it really came into action.”

I nodded again. “Exactly. It doesn’t help that he’s not open to talking about it either.”

“Just you wait until he gets back from the trip, he’ll have written his entire lifetime into the next record.”
Eric scoffed. “He’s been holding back on the past records but I have a feeling he’s just going to get more
emotionally involved with the writing now. He’s got so much more up in that stupid head of his these days.”

“So much he’s not willing to tell me.” I finished with a sigh. I can understand why John would keep something like that to himself, but what I couldn’t believe, was that I’d never heard of it from anyone else before. “I can’t believe he didn’t tell me.”

Eric sent me a look. “Do you really think he would have? I mean, what, he’s just supposed to come out and say some girl took his virginity, and he was a weak ass pussy about it?”

I kicked Eric under the table. “Don’t talk about him like that.” I snapped. I couldn’t help but become defensive when people slammed on John. It wasn’t his fault he was like this and people seemed to forget that on a regular basis.

“Oh come on, Lei,” Eric sighed. “It’s not like she forced him, he wanted it to happen; he was just less willing than she was. He let it affect him emotionally to the point where-“

“Wait, do you think it’s a trigger for his depression?” I asked with a frown. No way, it wasn’t deep enough-

“No, I don’t.” Eric shook his head. “And that’s the thing, Lei. Depression isn’t necessarily triggered by anything, it’s a chemical imbalance, you know that-“

“It’s not genetic in his family, Eric.” I said firmly. I knew all of this, I’d been on the websites, I’d had the meetings with support groups, I knew all of this.

“That doesn’t mean he can’t be the first.”

I let out an exhausted sigh. “This is so tiring.” I mumbled.

“That’s because you’re so involved with this and his condition. I think you should stop trying to find out
what ‘caused’ his depression and just focus on the fact that he’s got it-“

“He needs to learn how to deal with whatever is causing these emotions, whether it’s what happened with that girl, or something in the family. We can’t just ignore it-“

“You dragging it out doesn’t make it any better.”

“Oh great, now I’m making him worse-“

“I didn’t mean it like that-“

“Forget it,” I mumbled, shaking my head. “I don’t want to get into a fight about it. It’s not something I can just let go of, Eric. I mean, if Jac were going through this, would you just sit back and play therapist?”

He looked at his drink. “I guess not.”

“I can’t just leave it, which is probably my weakness. So this thing with that girl didn’t cause it, but something did and he has to be able to confront whatever that is eventually.”

Eric sat back, a painful look on his face. “Just take it easy on him, yeah? He never wanted you to find out about him and that girl, so don’t go shatter his confidence by telling him you know. I miss my best friend.”

I nodded understandingly. “I miss him too.”

********

The rest of my day was stressful, to say the least. I’d sent Tim a design of my logo but had yet to hear back from him, which was only putting me on edge. I piled Caleb up with paperwork, pretty much forcing him to take it home with him as well. I felt bad, but was too emotionally exhausted to give a damn about the workload of our new intern. All I wanted to do was go home and drink too much wine with my best friend. Possibly receive a phone call from my boyfriend too, that would make me feel so much better.

When I finally got home, it was six, and Jac was waiting by her car in the driveway, just behind John’s truck. It almost felt like he was home, just waiting for me inside. God I wish he was. All I felt like doing was snuggling up on the couch with him and finishing whatever season of Game of Thrones we were on while we ate Indian food and drank red wine. That was a typical night for us these days. Unfortunately, I was beginning to become increasingly attached to those nights, falling in line with his bad habits.

“How long have you been waiting out here?” I asked, not too worried. If she’d been here for a while, she would have called.

“I literally just pulled in,” she said, waving it off. “I brought wine, by the way. I took tomorrow off so we
can finally have a break from everything.” She explained, a huge sigh of relief following her words.

So I can have a break from everything, is what she meant. She was a good friend, relieving me of my self-centered thoughts while my sick boyfriend was away. If it were Eric, she wouldn’t treat him as badly as I do. I’m such a failure as a girlfriend and they all knew it.

“That sounds awesome,” I nodded, looking down at my nails as I fumbled for my keys at the front door. “I need a manicure.”

“Me too babe,” she chuckled, looking at her own. “Work has destroyed mine.”

I finally found the correct key and unlocked the door, letting her in first. “Oh, how was your day?” I asked, locking the door behind me and following her into the kitchen. This was basically her house too, and you’d think so, with the way she walked around like she lived here.

“It was alright,” she nodded, “I mean how good can work at a coffee house get, right? I’m no promoted designer like you.”

I blushed, turning away and pretending to busy myself with the pile of mail on the kitchen bench. Unpaid bills I needed to sort out before John returned. He had a bad habit of accidentally throwing out bills and important letters when he did one of his compulsive clean ups.

“Oh come on, Eric told me before I left tonight. Why aren’t we celebrating?” She pouted, taking a seat at the island bench. “You never even made a big deal about it.”

“That’s because it isn’t a big deal.” I shrugged. “I don’t want to make it a big deal.”

“You’ve been wanting your own line for ages and you finally have it. Of course it’s a big deal!” She insisted. “That’s why I got your favorite wine!”

I looked at the bottle. It wasn’t my favorite, it was John’s favorite. I always bought his favorite and it’s the only one we usually had, so it’s all I offered Jac. She must’ve thought it was my favorite, which was okay because I didn’t mind it. It reminded me of him.

“We don’t have to celebrate it-“

“Why not? John’s not here for added guilt.” She threw back lightly.

I sent her a look, letting her know that was out of line.

“You know you need it, Lei.” Jac sighed, leaning forward and proceeding to hold her chin up with her left hand. “Eric told me you two met up for lunch today.”

“I pulled a Tate, sorry.” I mused, trying to change the subject, apparently even if that meant joking that I’d cheated with her boyfriend. My humor was clearly all over the place.

She seemed to ignore my comment and went right for the gold. “And he told me that you talked about what happened with John when he was nineteen.”

I looked up. So she knew about it too? Did everyone know about it but me? Isn’t that a little…I don’t know, wrong? “He told you what we talked about?” I asked, not too surprised. They tell each other everything, something I wish me and John had the guts to do.

Jac nodded while I grabbed two glasses, sliding them across the bench to her. “Yeah, because he
thought you were a bit off after that. He thinks you’re involving yourself too much.”

“What, with John?” I frowned. How could I not involve myself? I lived with the condition just as much as he did, basically. I suffered from his suffering.

“With his depression,” Jac corrected, filling the glasses slowly, keeping her eyes on me. “I kind of think he’s right- and don’t think of this as me out to get you, or criticizing you. This is me trying to protect you.”

“From what? His next medication induced outburst?” I scoffed ignorantly, not wanting to hear any of this from people who weren’t even here to witness the dark side of the illness.

“From the depression, babe,” she sighed, handing me a glass, which I took gratefully and downed almost half of it. “You being subjected to this kind of behavior constantly isn’t healthy for you. Eric thinks you’re too involved in John’s recovery, and that you trying to find out what caused it is only suffocating you.”

I took another sip of my wine, not responding to her statement. I wonder if they all thought that. I wonder if they all thought I was as pathetic as Jac was making me off to sound. I wonder if they all talked about us behind our backs, possibly suggesting how he was only going to bring us both down. Because I didn’t think that- no, I didn’t think that.

“Don’t take this the wrong way when I say it, but it’s just depression. You don’t need to find out the back story, you just need to learn how to deal with it- and I mean him, not you.” She said quickly.

I nodded slowly. I could understand where she was coming from, and how Eric had grown cautious and possibly over protective of me. “I don’t agree with what you’re saying, because in order to deal with it, we have to find out the trigger- but I get what you’re saying about me coming too involved with it all.”

Jac nodded, hearing me out. “Maybe leave it to his therapist, y’know? That’s their job, not yours. All he needs from you, is your support, which you’re passionately giving him.”
She had a point there. I was too busy playing therapist for him, I was forgetting to give him the support. I was too busy treating him like a child, monitoring his eating and what not, that I was forgetting he was my boyfriend with depression. I had to pull back.

“I’m gonna stop meddling,” I said quietly, looking at my glass. “I’ll stop talking to his mom, and reminding him about medication, and talking him into taking a break with the band…” I trailed off, blushing painfully as I realized just how much I’d been babying him.

“The line blurs,” she nodded, making eye contact with me. “Between being their girlfriend and being their mother- last week I almost fed Eric dinner because he’d banged his hand on the table. I had to stop myself when I realized he was perfectly fine at holding his own fork.”

Okay, at least I wasn’t feeding him. Yet. I couldn’t help but laugh at her confession and felt the weight lift (slightly) from my shoulders. I’d been feeling like shit all week with his baggage on my shoulders, and to be honest, I think this is exactly what I needed to hear. I needed to hear that in order for him to get better, I needed to take a step back. He was twenty five and I kept forgetting that. Having my best friend confront me with that is what I needed, and of course she’d know that.

“So I shouldn’t bring up what Eric told me?” I asked, slightly stumped.

She shook her head, rolling her eyes. “Don’t bring that up again, you’ll only humiliate the poor boy.”

I blushed and nodded slowly. There was no way he’d sit down and tell me why he doesn’t like being touched where I touched him, it’d be too embarrassing for him and I didn’t want to put him through that. “You’re right. Thanks Jac, that definitely got a lot off of my mind.”

She nodded, giving me a smile. “We’re just looking out for you, babe. Stress lines aren’t cute at twenty one-oh god you’re twenty two next week! Shit, I completely forgot!”

My eyes widened at the sudden realization. “Oh crap, so did I.” I mumbled.

“Figures,” she chuckled, “you’re too busy worrying about your boy.”

“I’m not doing anything, I don’t feel like it this year.” I admitted. I had way too much work and personal stress before I could even think about celebrating my birthday.

“Oh come on, you have to celebrate,” Jac pouted. “You could use it and you know it.”

I shook my head, adamant as I finished off the rest of my wine and began pouring another glass. “Not this year. Don’t go planning any surprise party or whatever, I’ve got too much going right now.”

“I’m sure John would want to do something for you.” She stated, sending me a look.

“Well even if he does,” I shrugged, highly in doubt. “It’d be small. I don’t want to do anything this year, and that’s final.” I said firmly, feeling like I was scolding a child. I was, by the look on her face.

She threw me another pout, one that probably had Eric wrapped around her little finger. “Fine, but you make sure John does something for you.”

I rolled my eyes playfully, waving her off as I started on my second of glass. I was going to need a lot more wine if I was going to get through tonight.

Possibly a phone call from my boyfriend?

Yes please.

****

The following morning, I woke up with the hang over from hell. Jac and I had passed out on the couch downstairs, not making it up the stairs to either my room or the guest room. The wine didn’t seem to make anything better, just a whole lot worse. I remember getting drunk from eleven thirty onwards because I ever received a call from John. Only one call in the past three days; this was day four and counting.

When my eyes finally opened, I groaned loudly, sitting up from my uncomfortable position on the couch.

“Bout time, princess bitch-face.” Jac chuckled, walking past the couch, showered and fresh for the day.

I rolled my eyes, standing slowly. “Excuse me?”

She sent me a look. “Wow you really are hung over.”

A look of confusion crossed my features as I tried to comprehend the nickname. As far as I knew, I didn’t have a bitch face. John would have drunkenly told me if I did by now.

“You were bitching all about Tate and Pat last night, babe.” She chuckled. “And John too, for that matter, and you were complaining about how Austin and Hilary were ‘so fucking perfect’ you wanted to puke.”

My eyes widened. “Seriously?”

She nodded with a laugh. “You get bitchy when you get drunk.”

“I haven’t gotten drunk in such a long time,” I mumbled, quite surprised with myself that I’d been sober(ish) for the past eight months. It definitely showed with my figure I think, because I was much thinner than I had been in a long time. I put that down to stress and being on my feet a lot as of recently.

“Don’t worry about it, I don’t even remember half the stuff you said,” she chuckled, waving it off. “I was on a rant about the whole Nick cock blocking me and Eric for the next week and a half. But anyway, let’s go get breakfast, then hit the shops, yeah? I need some retail therapy.”

“That sounds good.” I groaned, heading upstairs. “I’m gonna take a quick shower, okay? You dig out the Advil!”

***

After a quick shower, I changed into a pair of low rise ‘boyfriend’ jeans (I don’t know why, my boyfriend hates them) and a black cropped top, pulling on my black converse sneakers before rushing my hair and makeup, in dire need of that Advil.

When I got downstairs, Jac was hopping from foot to foot impatiently for me. I sent her a look and quickly downed a pill and a glass of water before grabbing my bag and following her out the door. She could be such a child sometimes.

“I’m starving,” she whined. “Sue me, you didn’t make me dinner last night.”

“We didn’t have dinner?” I asked, somewhat surprised. I barely even noticed we hadn’t eaten once we got started on the booze.

She shook her head with a childish pout. “Nope.” She responded, popping the ‘p’. “It’s alright though, we needed to bitch.”

“I can’t believe I bitched about everyone,” I mumbled, sliding into the passenger seat of her car. It felt nice not to drive for once. “What exactly did I say?”

“Beats me, hun,” she chuckled. “Nothing too bad, just your typical Leighton Johnson drunk talk.”

I rolled my eyes playfully as she pulled out of the driveway and headed towards the mall. “Don’t let me get drunk around Tate.”

“Oh god, don’t worry about that,” she laughed, shaking her head and running a hand through her long dark hair. “I don’t see us and Tate coinciding for a long time, babe. At least not until she sorts her crap out with the boys.”

My head shot up, already thinking the worse. “You didn’t bring this up with her, did you?”

She shook her head quickly. “Oh god no, I’m not an idiot Lei.” She scoffed. “As if I’d ever bring that up with her; I just meant that I don’t see her in the same light, knowing what she’s doing.”

“I feel like I should talk to her about it,” I admitted with a shrug. “But I can’t bring myself to getting involved with that.”

“Leave it, honestly, I think it’s easier if you just wait it out and let them deal with it.” Jac said firmly, giving me ‘the eye’. The same ‘eye’ that got Eric wrapped around her little finger. It’s okay though, he belonged there and he knew it.

“But she’s our friend-“

“It’s her business Leighton,” Jac reinforced, “she’s been keeping it a secret from everyone so she clearly thought she could deal with it on her own. You don’t need to sort out her issues, end of story.”

She was always firm when she knew better. Sometimes I could be hesitant towards the right idea and it came as a burden. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure with the whole Tate thing, but right now I was vulnerable and confused and put my best bets on Jac. If she said it wasn’t my business, it wasn’t my business.

End of story.

The rest of the day was relaxing and therapeutic, that’s for sure. It was just a shame that it had to end, considering I was going home to an empty house. Jac had her bags in her car so she dropped me home at around five, leaving me to my own devices, something I’m not so sure was a good idea right now.

Because yeah, I missed him. I hadn’t gotten a call from him since Tuesday and I damn well missed him. I missed that southern drawl, and that crooked smile. And god those veins that crept up from the waistband of his jeans…

I missed John, so to say that that night was hell for me, was an understatement. I could hardly function. Just him being away when I was so emotionally drained…it was too much to handle and I could feel it building up within me. I was going to fall soon and I needed him to catch me.

I really needed him to be there for me right now…I needed him to be my stilt.

At one am, I found myself sitting in bed with a bottle of wine (John’s favorite) and my laptop, drunkenly googling housing in New York. It’d always been a dream of mine to move to that state to really immerse myself into the fashion industry and the fashion culture. I’d never considered it a real possibility until now, this nervous emotional breakdown pushing me to my limits. I couldn’t control my fingers or the tears that slipped down my cheeks.

“Where are you…” I whimpered, reaching for my phone and dialing his number. I was out of my mind drunk, torturing myself with the possibility of a fresh start in a foreign state, the appeal of gorgeous lofts and apartments well within my budget luring me in. My fingers shook as they held the phone to my ear, waiting and waiting for him to pick up and talk to me. Being as drunk as I was, it didn’t appeal to me that he’d be sleeping, and that he’d need his sleep, considering he didn’t get it that much. “Baby pick up.” I murmured quietly.

My eyes burned over the web page, the bright light hurting my red eyes, creating a stinging sensation. I couldn’t do this anymore, I needed to feel numb. I needed more booze, I needed him. I needed him without depression.

But most of all, I need him to hold me up, just like I did through the episode.