Don't Give Up (On Me)

“Next time you’re feeling shitty you tell me, you understand?” John asked, pulling me into his chest as we sat against the headboard. “I mean it, Leighton. I’m the one who’s supposed to be taking care of you.”

“Okay,” I responded quietly, nodding and looking at our feet, intertwined just like our legs. We needed to start eating more carbs, eating healthier and stop missing meals when we were having arguments. “It just consumed me.”

“Put it on my shoulders, darlin. Please.” He sighed.

I nodded again, though we both knew there was no truth in my action. Of course I wasn’t going to do that.

“I’m serious, I’m with you for better or worse, okay? I’m with you darlin’, for better or worse.” He mumbled, repeating his words. “Even if this is nowhere near your worse, I’m here until you leave. Even if you leave I’ll still be here.”

“I wouldn’t leave,” I whimpered, burying my face into his chest.

“And that’s exactly why I’ll always be here. For better or worse.”

***

“So, you planning on getting out of bed today?” John’s raspy voice spoke as he entered our bedroom.
I shrugged. “I guess. What time is it?”

“Nine o’clock.” He responded simply as he put his coffee mug down on the dresser across from the foot
of our bed. It was getting quite cluttered actually, and I wasn’t looking forward to clearing that all up, but

I knew it had to be done eventually.

My eyes widened and I sat up quickly, my brain running over time as I looked for my phone to call the warehouse-

“You’re staying home, a mental health day. I called Lennon and let him know.” John explained, before moving on to tell me about how he read my organizer and let Lennon know of the things they needed to take care of in place of my absence so the work wouldn’t fall behind. I worried about not being at work but was somewhat relieved he’d thought of that for me.

He then proceeded to tell me that he’d called my parents and asked them over for lunch tomorrow, and I was incredibly relieved to hear that too. I hadn’t seen my parents in a while, and he knew how much I wanted to see them.

“We’re also going to the bar for drinks later with Jac and Eric. We had that planned for last night, but…”

“But I wouldn’t get out of bed,” I nodded, finishing his sentence. “Don’t worry, I’ll go tonight.”

“It’s not about that, I just want you to be okay.” He reinforced, sitting on the end of the bed, facing me. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and the way his skin stretched over his ribs kind of made me sick.

I looked away. “You wanna go out for breakfast? We could both use a pick me up.”

“Sounds good babe,” he murmured, eyeing me suspiciously. Now he knows how I feel when he has sudden mood changes.

I nodded and got out of bed, changing into a simple navy blue dress before heading into the bathroom for my usual morning routine. I just felt so shitty and crappy this weekend, but I didn’t want to ruin it for John. I could see that he was really trying to make an effort for me and I didn’t want to come across as ungrateful to him.

“You’re not going to be cold?” John asked as he stood in the doorway of our bathroom, pulling a shirt over his head. Thank god.

I looked down at my dress. “Oh. Probably.” I nodded, looking back up at him and biting my lip.

He sighed and walked into the room, pulling me into his arms. “You wanna go back to bed?”

I shook my head quickly. “No¬-“

“Leighton, if you’re tired, just tell me. If you don’t feel well, just tell me. If I’m getting on your nerves and you need some time alone, just tell me.” He stressed, kissing the top of my head.

I pulled away, looking up at him. “I need Jimmy John’s and I need you.”

If he was making the effort, than I will too.

A small smile graced his lips as he gave me an empty kiss. That’s what they were these days and we couldn’t help it. “Alright. Why don’t you put something warmer on and we’ll get ready to go.”

“Can I wear your leather jacket?” I asked, following him into the bedroom.

“Yeah it’s in closet. It looks way better on you anyway,” he scoffed, grabbing his red and black striped sweater and pulling it over his skinny frame. I winced as I saw those hip bones exposed above his belt.

I pulled my dress over my head and grabbed a pair of jeans from the floor. “We really need to get on top of the dirty laundry, babe.” I told him as I stepped into them. They were tighter on the ass, meaning they were his, because guys’ jeans tended not to have room for asses because boys tended not to have asses. I bent over and rolled them up to my ankles so I could slip my black converse high tops on underneath before pulling on his jacket. I slipped on one of his slouch beanies and grabbed my phone, ready to go. I didn’t especially feminine, but I don’t think John cared, to be honest.

“You ready darling?” He asked, holding his hand out for me.

I stepped back and took in what he was wearing. His black jeans were ripped at the knee, tucked into those old combat boots that I got him for our six month anniversary. He’d covered his too-long hair with a grey beanie and slipped his glasses over his eyes. “You look cute,” I told him, taking his hand and reaching up to kiss him.

“I could say that about you, pretty girl.”

I really loved his effort. Because I didn’t feel like his ‘darling’, or ‘pretty girl’ right now but hearing those words were somewhat comforting at a time like this.

I really hated times like these.

***

John’s POV

I hated the way she prodded her food. She loved this place so seeing her reluctant to eat her food kind of scared me. What was even worse, was knowing that I was the reason she was like this. I know that my moods and actions provoked this kind of response from her and I hated that.

I watched as she finally started eating her meal, taking slow small bites to get through it. It hurt to see her so…sad. It hurt to think that if she were with someone else, she wouldn’t be so depressed. I made he this way, with the physical and emotional abuse that I couldn’t help but deliver. It really wasn’t up to me, being an asshole to her. That’s what no one seemed to understand. The days I couldn’t get out of bed?

Those were my darker days, when I was contemplating a way out. I was contemplating how much it would hurt if I opened the door and ‘fell’ down the stairs of the bus while we were on the motorway. How much would it hurt? Those days it really hurt when she got frustrated with me, and thought I was doing it just to be a jerk to her. I didn’t want to be, but I’d lost the fight. The days I couldn’t bring myself out of bed, I knew I was annoying people and hurting people, but I stopped caring a few months back.

I stopped caring.

I stopped caring about how lonely and hurt I made her feel. She didn’t know this, but it was my idea to tour for so long. I wanted to get away from her because I couldn’t handle seeing her so disappointed and let down by me. I hated that.

“Babe, are you okay?” She asked, nudging me with her foot, her eyebrows furrowing at me.

I looked up, moving my hand away from the scab on my arm I’d been picking through my sweater. “I can’t believe you’re finally twenty two.” I commented, leaning forward on my fists, putting all of my attention on her.

A small (but gorgeous) smile graced her lips. “No longer your minor, huh?” She teased.

I rolled my eyes playfully. “Always my minor.”

“Then that technically makes me jailbait and you a cougar, old man.” She smirked, pushing it further. My favorite little spitfire. “Admit it, you like being older than me because you’re the guy.”

I loved her smile. I loved her perfectly straight teeth and her full pink lips. I loved everything about her smile. I didn’t deserve to look at such a beautiful smile every day. I hated to admit to this, but her smile was killing me. It made me feel like the weak man I was. I hated lying to her. I hated being so weak to her.
I know I should leave her so she could be happy, but I can’t live without her. That’s probably just me being selfish, but I couldn’t help it. If she knew the real reason of all of this…she wouldn’t look at me the same. She’d take me for that pathetic weak human I knew I was and she’d leave my stupid sorry ass. I needed her too much to consider how happy she might be in someone else’s arms.

But that smile stopped me every time.

“Yeah, I love it.”

***

We got home a few hours later after John dragged me around to a few different stores, making me choose a few things that I liked, even though I protested against it. He’s always so stubborn like that. He told me he had my actual present at home, but was waiting to give it to me until we got back. I’d been kind of shitty with him yesterday, staying in bed and ignoring any advances he made to communicate, including the gift he wanted to give me. I didn’t mean to be a bitch to him but I couldn’t help it. I’d apologized while we were out this morning and he waved it off like it was nothing. I guess in comparison to what he’d treated me like, it was nothing. But I still felt bad about it.

I was upstairs in our bedroom, cleaning up when he called me down. I’d since changed into my gym shorts and a sweater, typical house clothes. I feel like those clothes represented my mood and efforts over the past few days perfectly. I made my way downstairs and found him sitting at the kitchen bench, eating from a jar of trail mix while he waited.

“What is it?” I asked softly, walking over to him and standing between his legs, letting him wrap his arms around my waist.

“I want to give you your birthday present.” He murmured, pushing his lips onto mine. “Is that cool with you, sleeping beauty?”

“Sleeping, maybe, beauty? No way.” I laughed, kissing his nose. “But yeah, that’s cool with me.”

“Good, now close your eyes.” He smirked, pulling my hands out in front of me. “No looking okay?”

I nodded and closed my eyes, kind of nervous about what my present was. “We’ve already talked about pets so if you’re about to place a puppy in my hands-“

“I wouldn’t do that to you,” he chuckled, “hold still.”

I did as I was told and it seemed like forever before he placed a small box in my hands. I panicked and my eyes opened almost immediately. I didn’t know what to do but just stare at the small box. “John-“

“Just open it,” he pushed, nodding towards it. “I hope you like it-

“John,” I repeated, looking up at him. “We can’t…this is a mistake, we can’t- we’re not capable of this right now,” I stuttered, my heart racing at the thought of what this box was entitling us to.

John’s eyes widened. “Oh shit, I’m not proposing.” He said quickly, taking the box back and opening it. It was indeed a ring, but clearly meant for other purposes than tying two lives together. “No, it’s just a ring.
A meaningless ring, babe.”

I looked into his eyes, finding the truth and letting out a breath of relief. “Sorry…” I murmured, blushing.
“I didn’t mean it like that-“

“No it’s okay,” he chuckled awkwardly, taking the ring out and sliding it onto my middle finger on my right hand. The band was gold and had a red stone in the middle. It was beautiful and simple, it was perfect. Along the inside of the band, he’d gotten our names inscribed, which I thought was an intricate touch. “I thought you’d react that way, and I totally agree, we’re not ready. But I wanted to give you something special, y’know? I believe that one day we’ll take that step, but it’s far off in the future as of right now and I wanted to give you something that shows my commitment to you, because I love you Lei.”

My eyes filled with tears.

Yeah, I cried.

Again.

***

“So he bought you a ring, huh?” Jac teased as we sat in the booth towards the door of the bar.

I looked down at the ring and nodded. “I freaked out. I thought he was proposing, I almost had a heart attack.” I murmured, trying to keep my voice down, even though the boys were at the bar getting our
drinks.

“Lei, I’m sure he knows you’re not ready to get married just yet.” Jac stated, “Give the guy some credit.”

She was right, he wasn’t totally unaware of our relationship and its direction of turmoil. He had to have known that we weren’t doing so well- he wasn’t entirely oblivious, was he?

“Yeah you’re right,” I nodded, shaking it off. Of course he knew.

The boys returned to the table, placing drinks in front of us. I eyed John’s drink, which looked to be a Jack and coke. I guess some things never changed-

“There’s no Jack, it’s just coke.” He murmured in my ear, placing a hand on my thigh under the table.

I looked at him with a small smile. “It was the right choice babe,” I said softly, kissing him quickly and thanking him for my beer.

“So Lei, you enjoyed your birthday?” Eric asked, sitting back with his am around Jac’s shoulders.

I nodded. “Yeah it’s been good.” Lie. “Quiet; which is what I wanted.”

“Sorry did you turn twenty two or forty two?” Jac teased, even though she knew the extent of the ‘break down’ I’d experienced yesterday. She’d probably told Eric too.

“She’s not much of a birthday person,” John pouted, pressing his lips to my temple.

“Not true,” Eric pointed out, “remember when you turned twenty one? We got you so wasted.”

I groaned but nodded. “That was the worst- I felt like death the next morning.”

“Hey, I made you breakfast in bed the morning after, you always seem to forget about that.” John stated. “Pretty good boyfriend material.”

“Very good,” I pouted, leaning over and kissing his own pouting lips. I looked back over at Eric and Jac.
“So, what are you guys doing for Christmas?”

Eric looked over at Jac with a smug smile, while she threw him a scowl.

“He’s not fucking telling me,” she scoffed, punching him in the chest. “It’s all some big surprise.”

“You’re gonna love it,” John teased.

I looked at him. “You know? Why haven’t you told me?”

“I promised him a six pack if he doesn’t tell. Anyone.” Eric laughed. “I know what you girls are like.”

“That’s not fair,” Jac pouted at Eric.

“But he can’t drink.” I said in confusion.

Eric’s eyes fell to the drink in John’s hands before looking back at me. “Yeah, well it bribed him.” He said, playing it off casually.

“Plus you girls tell each other everything,” John added, taking a sip of his drink.

A drink I had now come to understand had alcohol in it. I was an idiot to believe he wasn’t drinking tonight. Jack and coke was his favorite drink, of course he would be having whiskey if it was made available to him.

I didn’t act like I knew; instead I weaved my arm through his free arm and leant lightly against him. I hope he felt bad. I hope he felt bad for lying right to my face.

Asshole.

***

Apart from the whole lying to me about what was in his drink, then proceeding to order three more as the night progressed, my night was alright. I was curious as to what Eric and Jac were doing for Christmas, thinking it might be some sort of trip, but that was pushed a side when I was the one driving us home that night. I didn’t even get to relax and drink because he was supposed to be driving us home, which flew out the window the minute he lied to be about his beverage of choice. I only had one beer.

One.

I pulled up in our driveway but didn’t move from the drivers’ seat. Instead, I turned to John, waiting for
some sort of apology.

“So you enjoy yourself tonight?” He asked softly, looking over at me with a small smile.

I scoffed, getting out of the car. “You’re unbelievable.”

In all of his confusion, he got out of the car and followed me up to the front door, which I unlocked and didn’t even bother to hold open for him. I really didn’t care if it hit him in the face. I just didn’t care anymore.

“Leighton!” He called. “Babe what’s going on?” He asked, following me upstairs.

I got to our room and immediately started changing for bed. I just wanted him away from me. Maybe I should lock the door before he gets up here, giving him a taste of his own medicine-
“Leighton, tell me what’s going on.” He begged as he entered the room.

Damn, too slow.

“Darlin’ please tell me what I did wrong,” he pleaded, approaching me.

I stepped back. “Don’t. I can smell the whiskey on your breath.”

He froze. His face fell automatically. “Leighton…”

“We’ve been through this John!” I snapped, pushing his hands away from me as I headed into the bathroom to wash my face. “You know why I don’t want you to drink!”

“I really tried, Lei, I promise you that,” he sighed, leaning against the door. “I was trying to stop myself from ordering that drink, but I’m not strong enough yet. I caved and I fucking hate myself for it, but I tried. Honestly, I did.”

I looked at him through the mirror before grabbing the hand towel and drying my face. “You didn’t need to lie to me.”

“I’m so sorry Leighton,” he sighed, crossing the room and pulling me into his arms.

I felt his lips on the crown of my head, staying there for quite some time. “If it helps you, I’ll stop drinking-“

“No, you don’t have to-“

I shook my head and looked up at him. “We’re in this together, these lifestyle changes were bound to
affect me. I’m supporting you, John and if that means cutting back on drinking, then so be it. We can do this, as long as you’re honest with me.”

“From now on, I’ll try harder.” He said firmly. “I’m sorry I lied to you.”

“It’s okay John,” I nodded, “we’re in this together.”

John’s POV

I don’t deserve you.

***

The following morning I woke up early, in order to get lunch ready for when my parents came over. I kissed John on the cheek (and realized he’d sweated through the night once more) before getting out of bed and taking my quick morning shower. I had a lot to get done today before they got here. I needed to go down to the farmer’s market and get a few things before making lunch. I’d decided to go with a Mexican chicken dish and a bright avocado based salad. I also wanted to get rid of all of the alcohol in the house. We didn’t need it, and we certainly didn’t need it in the house to become tempted by.

When I left the shower, I got dressed into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, grabbing John’s leather jacket once again. I slipped on some flats before heading downstairs towards the kitchen, in search of the alcohol. I grabbed the two bottles of Jack Daniels, one half full, the other three quarters, one bottle of red wine and three untouched cans of Bud Light. I figured I’d put them in the fridge in the back garage, knowing he wouldn’t go there. The fridge didn’t even work so of course he wouldn’t look there for booze.
I felt pathetic, having to hide the drinks from him in order for him to stop drinking, but if that’s what it came down to, then so be it. I meant what I said last night. I’m in this with him. Together.

I soon left the house and drove out to the farmer’s market in order to collect the food needed for lunch. I was excited to see my parents, considering it’d been a while since they had come round and were well overdue for a visit. I was also grateful that John had arranged for them to come over, considering the mood he’d been in for the past few weeks. He really had been up and down, only reinforcing that depression wasn’t ‘cute’ at all. There was nothing cute about the tears and the fights that the disease brought on. Long nights and cold sweats were in no way appealing.

Seeing the person you love, fall apart was not cute.

It hurt, because they told you they hated you, even when you know they didn’t. They made you cry, sometimes without even knowing. They yelled at you for making simple mistakes. They made you feel unloved and in the way when all you were trying to do, was help.

But you’re not allowed to give up. You can’t.

Because they felt like you hated them and they didn’t know that you didn’t. They cried more often than usual, mostly when they thought you couldn’t hear, like in the shower. They would go for days without speaking to you, tiptoeing around you to avoid any sort of confrontation. They felt unloved and there was no possible way for you to sway their thoughts. They were hurting and the worst part was that you couldn’t help them. Nothing you do would stop them from hurting, hating themselves or feeling hopeless.
It was just them and that bad feeling.

And I hated that.

I hated it all.

***

John’s POV

I’m ashamed about what I am about to admit…but when I woke up this morning, she wasn’t laying beside me. I couldn’t see her phone or her bag, so I thought the worst. I could hardly move because my entire body was paralyzed. My heart ached so badly at the thought that she’d left. I started fucking crying because I couldn’t face the world alone. My breathing was getting shorter and I really wished I had Kenny’s inhaler on me. My chest tightened and my hands shook. I knew what this was and it wasn’t okay. She wasn’t here to make me feel okay. I was not okay.

I somehow made my way downstairs, trying to focusing on my footing so I wouldn’t fall down…she’s gone…I didn’t know I’d pushed her too far, I have bad judgment on her limitations these days and I didn’t know when enough was enough.

Well today, I’d reached enough.

I couldn’t breathe. It was like everything was extra sharp in this house and every time I bumped into the wall I was being stabbed with a syringe. I couldn’t handle the pain of her being gone. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t deal with being alone. I couldn’t survive without her- I was a weak pathetic son of a bitch and she’d just realized it.

I couldn’t do this alone.

I can’t be alone.

“Leighton!” I called out pathetically, desperate for her to call back.

Nothing.

I was really starting to panic. I gripped the kitchen bench so I wouldn’t fall over.

And that’s when I saw it. The note on the kitchen bench, decorated with her handwriting.

At the farmer’s markets. Be back soon. Love you xx

***

Being out of the house was actually quite soothing. Sometimes that place felt like I was being held captive, with all of these issues and bad thoughts constantly following me around. That being said, I took my time, trailing around the farmer’s market for fresh produce and healthier eating options that would go along easier with John’s medication.

Maybe the sweating would stop and he would get a better nights rest. I think that would help him a lot.
It was such a beautiful day, despite it being within the colder months. It was a comfortable coldness, much more comfortable than the cold reception I received from my boyfriend from time to time. It was nice to take a breather and leave him and his depression at home, even if it was for just an hour. It felt refreshing, like I wasn’t even going back to a boy who was clinically sad.
Right now I was…free, for lack of a better word.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved John- to be honest I couldn’t even be bothered saving face, all I wanted to do was have some time alone, even if that meant not feeling guilty towards being away from him. He didn’t need me, he was probably asleep, hadn’t even realized I’d left the house no doubt.
Once I’d gotten everything I needed at the farmers markets, I headed on home to start preparing lunch.

My parents were coming over at one and by the time I got home, it was almost eleven, leaving me not much time to get prepared. When I did get back home though, I placed the bags on the kitchen bench and looked around to see the house almost spotless. Not in a thoughtful, ‘I just want to clean up for your parents’ spotless, more like a ‘I’m freaking out and need to distract myself’ spotless.

“John?” I called through the house. Usually on the weekend he had some record spinning on the player, most of the time it was classic rock. But today the house was dead quiet. “John!” I called again, before heading down the hall, staying on the bottom floor. I didn’t spend a lot of time down here, considering our bedroom, bathroom and study was upstairs, leaving only the laundry, main bathroom and guest room downstairs, along with the foyer/living room and kitchen. I could hear noise coming from the laundry and figured it was him putting our dirty clothes in the machine. “John are you in here?” I called as I came to the doorway.

I indeed found him in the laundry. He was standing over the machine playing around with the dials and buttons with one hand, while the other scratched his side, viciously. There were many red scratches on his hip, crossing over the front of his torso. I walked into the room and tried to pry his hand away, startling him.

“Shit, you scared me,” he mumbled, pulling away from the machine.

“John, what are you doing to yourself?” I asked, my voice close to breaking.

“Hmm?” He murmured, before looking down. “Fuck…I didn’t even realize.”
I eyed the light scratches. “How could you not realize you were doing this?”

“I…I don’t know…” he mumbled. “I w-was doing the washing and…I just…”

“It’s okay,” I said softly, pressing the right buttons before pulling him out of the laundry and closing the door behind him. “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” he nodded, taking a deep breath and kissing the top of my head. “Thank you…for pulling me out of that.”

I looked up at his face. He’d changed so much since the day that I met him. He’d aged a lot, gotten a lot more tired with a lot more stress lines. “What’s going on, John?” I asked gently.

“I’m okay, Lei, there’s no need to keep worrying about me.” He insisted. Oh okay, I’ll just step back and clear my mind of you. It’s that easy.

“Did you have a panic attack?” I asked, ignoring his statement.

He blushed and rubbed the back of his neck, like he always did when he was embarrassed or feeling awkward. “Uh…yeah…”

I sent him a look. “You don’t need to be embarrassed about it, you can’t help it.”

“I’m twenty five, this shouldn’t be happening again,” he sighed, heading into the kitchen.

That sparked an interest. I raised an eyebrow at him. “Again? What do you mean?”

“I got them when I was a kid,” he shrugged as he started taking the shopping out of the bags. “Do you want this stuff in the fridge?”

I shook my head. “I’m going to start making lunch now.”

He nodded once he was done. “I’m going to take a shower.”

“John can’t we talk about this-“

“Therapist,” he said knowingly, something I’d grown to hate. We’d decided if I began venturing into territory that was only meant for his therapist, he’d call therapist on me and I wouldn’t be able to keep asking or we wouldn’t discuss whatever it was that we were discussing. Basically it was his get-out-of-jail-free card.

“But John-“

“But nothing,” he said softly, throwing me a pout and walking over to kiss me quickly. “I’m doing this for
your own good, Lei. I need some sort of privacy.”

I sighed but nodded. He was right. “Alright. Go take a shower, and put some lotion on those scratches.
My parents will be here around one.”

“Knowing the Johnson’s, you’re always early!” He called back teasingly as he headed upstairs.

“Unlike the forever late O’Callaghan’s!” I called back lightly as I began to move around the kitchen.

“One day you’ll be forever late too! Just you wait!”

If I wasn’t so therapisty on him right now, I would’ve found that charming.

***

“Mr and Mrs Johnson! Come in,” John smiled, opening the door to my parents while I finished up in the kitchen. The chicken was on the stove top and the salad was in the fridge. Things were going according to plan and running smoothly and I was glad. I was also kind of nervous as to how long this would last, if it did at all.

The last thing we needed was him having a panic attack and/or breakdown in front of my parents, that much I was sure of.

I heard them greet John before he lead them into the kitchen, which was open to the dining room. He’d done a good job at setting the table and it took me back to the times before the diagnosis where we more of a team than two individuals working against each other.

“Oh Leighton darling! Happy birthday!” My mother beamed as she saw me, her smile faltering a little.

“Hey mom,” I chuckled, greeting her in a hug. “Hey dad, thanks for coming round.” I said over her
shoulder.

“Well we wanted to see you yesterday, but John said you weren’t well.” Mom explained, once detaching herself from me.

I looked towards John who threw me a pout. “Yeah, I wasn’t feeling too great so me and John stayed in all day.”

“The two of you been sick?” My father pushed as he hugged me. “You’re stick thin, both of you.”

So that’s why mother was so uncomfortable…

“We’ve both just been really busy and stressed out,” John said, “me with the bands’ new album and Leighton with her promotion- babe did you tell your parents about that?”

I blushed, shaking my head. He always bragged about me when my parents were here, and when his parents used to visit too. “It’s not that much of a promotion, but I have full ownership of a new line the company is putting out.” I told my now excited parents. I can’t believe how easily he’d gotten them to think off topic. He was good at the manipulation games.

My parents congratulated me and John moved them to the dining table so we could still talk but still get things ready for lunch. It was nice to finally have them here, as I hadn’t seen them in a while and I was always close with my parents.

But when John asked them if they would like a drink, the good mood came to a halt.

“We don’t have any alcohol,” I spoke up as I brought the salad to the table.

“No alcohol?” My father chuckled, “You pregnant?”

“James,” My mother scolded, hitting my dad on the arm.

“No dad,” I chuckled, standing beside John. “We’re eating healthier, which means cutting out alcohol.”

“I’m really the one that needs to eat healthier, Leighton’s just supporting me.” John corrected, wrapping an arm around my waist. “We have soda, juice or water.”

“A juice would be lovely, dear,” my mother smiled.

I headed back into the kitchen to grab the chicken dish while John grabbed the drinks. Just when I thought we’d gotten away with it-

“Why are you two going on a health kick?” My father asked curiously, “you’re thin enough as it is.”

“James,” my mother scolded once more.

“It’s true though,” my father pushed, eyeing us suspiciously. “Are you sick? You’re very pale, son. Cheek bones like-“

“Dad, please,” I sighed, coming back to the table and sitting down, waiting on John. “We’ve both been sick with influenza, if that helps settle your thoughts. Throwing up a lot, bad fatigue. We’re recovering, getting through it.”

I didn’t know we looked so bad. I mean yeah, his cheek bones were a lot more…sharper than normal, but I didn’t think they were that bad. I’d started to notice that it wasn’t just John whose clothes were getting bigger, but mine also. But was that necessarily a bad thing?

“Okay,” he nodded slowly, “I just worry about you two. You’re our only daughter.”

“We appreciate the concern, Mr. Johnson.” John nods as he brings the drinks to the table, hands shaking- but only slightly, only enough for me to notice. “Like Lei said, it’s just the flu. It’s going around in our group of friends right now so I guess it was inevitable.”

“You two need to be more careful,” my mother tutted. “But this looks delicious, darling remind me why you didn’t go to that culinary institute in Phoenix.”

I rolled my eyes playfully at her, shaking my head. “Dig in, everyone.”

While my parents became distracted by the meal, I took the chance to lean over to John.

“You take your medication?” I whispered in his ear.

His attempt at a smile dropped slowly as he shook his head. “It makes me sick,” he murmured back. “I’m trying to go without it.”

My eyes widened. Was that why he was so up and down? Because he hadn’t been taking the medication? “John!” I hissed, keeping my voice down.

“It’s okay,” he assured me, kissing me on the cheek and accepting the salad bowl politely from my mother. “You want some salad, baby?” He asked, passing it to me first.

“Yeah, why don’t you go grab your medication?” I asked as I took the bowl from him. I looked up to see him glaring at me. He hated when I said it when people were around. But if that’s what it took to get him to actually take it, then so be it. I can’t believe he’d been lying to me about taking it.

“Sure,” he answered tightly, standing and heading into the kitchen.

I put some salad onto his plate before swapping for the chicken, doing the same. I was only trying to help him and that’s what he didn’t seem to understand. It only made me wonder how long he’d been lying to me about taking the medication. I don’t see why it was such a big deal.

But then again, I could never get inside that mind.

John soon returned beside me, popping the pills in his mouth and downing them with his drink. “Happy?”
He asked me.

I sent him a look and nodded, leaning over to kiss his cheek, but he turned purposely to answer a question my dad had pushed at him. I took it bitterly and focused on my food. If he wanted to play like that, then fine.

***

“Babe I need your help,” John called from the kitchen.

I looked up from my conversation with my parents to see John over by the sink, washing the dishes.
“What’s up?” I asked over my chair.

“I uh, can’t handle this dish,” he mumbled.

“Just let it soak,” I said, before turning back to my parents.

“No Lei-“

“But yeah the warehouse is getting renovated right now for the next office, so both Lennon and I will own our own lines within 8123.” I explained.

“So the work load has been heavier then?” My father asked, being quite the business man himself.
“We’ve recently hired a young new intern who’s energetic and motivated, so he’s helping me keep on top of the work that I don’t have time for.” I nodded. “We’ve offered him a-“

I was cut off by a loud smash coming from the kitchen, a string of hushed curse words following. We looked up to find John leaning over the sink, holding his head in frustration.

“Excuse me,” I said softly, leaving the table and heading into the kitchen to calm him down. His hands slid through his hair, gripping tightly as he looked down at the smashed dish around his feet. “Babe…John, what happened?” I asked, keeping my voice down.

“I told you I couldn’t-my hands, they won’t stop shaking and it’s the medication, and that was your grandmothers’ dish and your mom is going to kill me and-“ he rambled through hissed words.

“John,” I interrupted, pulling his arms down and lifting his chin, cradling his face between my hands. “Hey calm down, it was an accident-“

“It wasn’t, I told you what the medication does to me!” He hissed, his hands shaking by my sides. “And I can’t even wash the fucking dishes!”

I moved my left hand to the nape of his neck and my right to his chest. “John, take a deep breath, just calm down, it’s okay.”

He sighed, pushing me off of him. “Look I just…tell them I’m sorry, okay?” He mumbled, before heading
upstairs.

I sighed, running a hand through my hair before clearing up the dish from the floor. I heard chairs scraping against the floors before my mother appeared in the kitchen, along with my father, and began helping clean up. “No, you don’t have to do that.” I insisted, standing and warning them away from the
sink.

“Is he okay?” My mother asked, keeping her voice down, as if he was in the room.

I nodded, pushing my hair out of my face. “Yeah, he’s…he’s on a new medication, and it seems to be kicking his ass,” I murmured, before turning them. “I’m really sorry, he’s-“

“You can’t help a natural thing, baby,” my mother cooed, giving me a hug. “We understand, he can’t help it.”

“Your mother’s right,” my father nodded, “don’t feel bad at all.”

“He’s been doing well,” I stated, as I pulled away. “He’s been going to therapy, making better choices, going to boxing to manage his anger-“

“What do you mean anger?” My father asked curiously, like all fathers would. “He hasn’t…he hasn’t been hurting you, has he?”

I shook my head quickly, crushing those suggestions. I wasn’t saving John’s ass, I just didn’t want my parents to see him in that light, because all parents had a habit of thinking the worst and running with those thoughts. “No, of course not. He just has a lot of anger issues with his family and he feels that expressing that anger in that particular sport helps him. I support him one hundred percent.”

I did. I supported him.

“Well you let us know if you two need anything,” my mother said finally. “Anything at all, Leighton; and
give our best to John.”

“I will, and thank you for coming round. We appreciate it.” I said sincerely. I walked them to the door and we said our goodbyes before I waved them off. I was happy to have them over and I enjoyed the time we spent together considering I didn’t live with them and it was a twenty five minute drive to see them, but due to today’s circumstances, I was relieved to see their car drive off down the road. I finished up in the kitchen before heading upstairs to find John and see how he was doing. I wasn’t at all mad at him (about the medication, yeah) because I knew it was something he couldn’t help.

“John?” I asked softly as I walked into our bedroom, pushing the door open slowly. I saw him in bed and sighed. He had his back to me but I knew he wasn’t sleeping. He had his shirt off so I pulled mine over my head and climbed into bed beside him. He automatically rolled over and pulled me into his arms, holding me tightly against his bare chest.

“I’m sorry babe,” he sighed, his voice raspier than usual. “I didn’t mean to be an asshole today.”

“You weren’t an asshole,” I sighed, kissing his collarbone.

“I was, and you don’t deserve that. Especially not in front of your parents.” He muttered.

“They don’t think you were and ass, John,” I said firmly. “They understand that it’s the medication. Medication I made you take.”

“I’m sorry I lied to you about the medication,” he added, “I’m seeing doc this week about it to change to a different anti-depressant.”

The words hung in the air and we could both see them. Anti-depressant. It sounded wrong to come from his mouth.

“I appreciate that you’re taking the initiative.” I said honestly. “It’s less stressful for me.”

“That’s the idea,” John nodded slowly. “Your parents were right. We look fucking terrible, Lei, and it’s my fault. I’m the one that’s been treating you so badly it’s begun to take a toll on you physically.”

“Are you saying I’m not hot anymore?” I pouted teasingly, drawing shapes on his chest.

He sent me a look. “Babe, I’m trying to be sincere.”

“Okay sorry, continue.” I nodded.

He sighed, kissing my forehead. “You’re it for me. If I lose you, I don’t know what I’ll do. I can’t lose you, do you get that?” He asked.

I was ‘it’ for him?

“I think so,” I mumbled.

He chuckled, pressing his lips back to my forehead and leaving them there. “I’m in love with you. But I’m ashamed of the way I’ve been treating you because you don’t treat someone you love that way. I don’t deserve to come home to you every night. I don’t deserve to have someone as wonderful as you, look out for me. But you love me regardless and I’ll never understand why."

I looked down at the ring on my finger. “I freaked out because I thought this was an engagement ring. I thought you were proposing and I freaked because I thought we weren’t on the same page. You’re it for me too, O’Callghan,” I confessed, feeling him breathe slower beside me. “you’re it for me and I’m with you through all of this. I love you, and there’s no way we couldn’t handle this together. I was stupid to freak out and I’m sorry for doing that because I know you know better. You know me, and I know you, because that’s it. That’s all there is to it.” I murmured, pressing my lips again his. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

***

John’s POV

Of course it was an engagement ring.