Don't Give Up (On Me)

“I don’t know if it’s a good idea, dude,”

I looked up from my guitar, confused. “Why not?”

Kennedy hesitated, looking at the others. What weren’t they telling me? Here I was, pouring my heart out into this fucking personal song, and here they were, telling me it wasn’t good? What the fuck?

“Leighton might get upset if she thinks it’s about her,” He suggested.

I stopped. I didn’t think about that. Sure, this song was…cold, but it wasn’t about her. Well it was, but it wasn’t me saying I didn’t love her, in that sense, it was…it was hard to explain. The whole ‘you can’t expect to love someone if you don’t love yourself’ idea? It was like that. I love Leighton to hell and back, but I loved her a lot more when we first started dating. I wasn’t falling out of love with her, I was just falling out of myself and falling out of love with us. It wasn’t her at all, this disease I had, it was turning to me to stone- I was becoming unlovable and unable to love. I loved her, but I was unable to be in love with her. I would never tell her that, so this song was the only way I’d be able to express that. I’d just throw off the ‘it’s not about my own experiences’ excuse and pass it off as one of the boys’ past relationships.

I looked around the room, the guys all (except Jared) nodding in agreement.

“She’s stressed enough as it is, man,” Garrett stated, like I didn’t fucking know that, “she doesn’t need to start worrying that you don’t love her anymore.”

“Guys she’s not going to think he doesn’t love her,” Jared scoffed, “I mean come on, she’s a smart girl.”

“I’ll just tell her it’s about one of you guys, or Peter even. He just split up with that chick.” I shrugged, making a few changes to the chord progressions.

“Wait…so it is about her?” Pat asked in confusion.

I hated when the guys asked what the songs were about. We had a rule that if I wasn’t comfortable sharing, I didn’t have to. I had that with all of my friends and my family. If I didn’t want to discuss the heart ache in one song, or the sexual descriptions in another, I didn’t have to, simple as that.

“No…well not in the way you think,” I shrugged, looking back down at my guitar. “Drop it. What she feels is between us, you guys don’t have to worry about it.”

“Have you tried putting this on piano?” Garrett asked, sitting back with his bass in his lap. “Stripping it back so it’s raw and vulnerable? I think that would sound much better.”

I cringed. I fucking hated the piano. No way in hell was I playing it. I let all my years of fucking lessons go to waste and I wasn’t going to bother with it again. There was too much pressure and I never fucking lived up to it. “Get Matt in on the piano and we’ll do it like that. But he records it and plays it on tour.” I reasoned.

“Why can’t you do it?” Jared asked curiously.

I shrugged, looking back to the strings. I liked the strings. “Piano’s not my thing. Can’t play it either.”

The guys didn’t question me further. I felt Jared’s eyes intensify on me. He knew about the ring. He knew I was going to propose. He knew she freaked on me and I took it back- he knew it was a bad idea but I still went through with it.

I should have fucking listened.

***

“I’m so jealous,” Layla gushed. “That jacket is gorgeous.”

“I know,” I chuckled, as she felt the leather on my arm. “That’s what I said.”

“Do you wanna swap boyfriends?” She joked.

I raised an eyebrow. “So he is your boyfriend, huh?”

She blushed and looked up at me with a nod. “Yeah, we’ve been trying to keep it to ourselves but I guess that didn’t go so well.”

“Not really,” I chuckled. “But I’m happy for you guys.”

“Now we’ve just got to get Elijah a girlfriend,” Layla scoffed, looking through the glass windows of my office out to the main area of the warehouse.

I observed how Elijah was pissing Tate off as she tried to do her work and let out a laugh. “Yeah, I doubt it.”

“Anyway, how’s the new line going?” She asked, taking a seat in front of my desk.

A smile spread across my lips. “I’m finishing off the last details to the hoodie and then I’m good to go.”

“Shit you’re all done?” She asked, surprised at how quickly I’d been able to get through my massive load of work.

I nodded. “Yeah, I was surprised too,” I admitted, “but the past few weeks I’ve just been busy getting more focused on my work. It’s what makes me happy, y’know?”

“That’s good Lei,” she said softly, touching my arm. “It’s definitely a hell of a lot better than having you come into work in tears, that’s for sure.”

I blushed, shaking my head. “That was a bad week in general.”

“You guys doing better?” She asked carefully.

I smiled and nodded. “A lot better.”

“That’s great hun, and you’re doing a really good job with Caleb. Both you and Lennon.” She praised.

“I’m so glad Lennon got the promotion,” I responded proudly, “he honestly deserved it.”

“And Tate too,” Layla added, “I don’t know if you know this, but she’s been going through a lot of shit
with her boyfriend so I think this gave her something to be proud of, y’know?”

I never viewed it like that. “Yeah, you’re right. It feels good to be recognized for what you do.”

“Well, I wouldn’t know,” she sighed dramatically. “You bitch.”

“Oh shut up,” I laughed, nudging her. “You’ll get your turn.”

“Oh that’s okay, Jack lets me ride shot gun to the post office. It’s all good.” She teased, heading for the door. “I’ll let you get back to it boss.” She called behind her.

I followed her out but headed into Lennon’s office, where I (unfortunately) caught the last of Lennon and Caleb’s conversation.

“But dude she’s just really hot, I mean how good do you reckon she’d be in- oh Lei, hi!” Lennon spoke up, causing Caleb to turn in his seat.

“Why are you keeping my bitch from doing his work?” I taunted, coming up behind Caleb and placing a
hand on each of his shoulders. “No more talking about girls.”

“We’re developing our professional relationship, and you’re complaining?” Lennon chuckled, sitting back in his chair. “You need anything?”

“I need you to give Caleb back, I need him to fill out order forms for the new line.” I nodded, ruffling Caleb’s hair teasingly.

“Hey!” Caleb laughed, grabbing my wrist and securing me over his shoulder.

“Yo Lei, we’re all getting drinks after work, you coming?” Lennon asked as Caleb let go. I moved around to sit on his lap for a punishment.

“I can’t,” I sighed, shaking my head.

“It’s Thursday tomorrow so you can get wasted,” Caleb said innocently. It was almost cute.

“No I’m not drinking for a while,” I explained, “John can’t drink because of the medication and I’m trying to support him.”

Lennon nodded understandingly while Caleb looked confused. “John’s her boyfriend, lead singer in The Maine, on 8123.” Lennon chuckled.

“Oh!” Caleb nodded in realization. “That’s not very rock n roll of him.”

“I know right,” I joked, “but look at this leather jacket he got me, that’s pretty rock n roll.” I said, holding an arm out to show off my jacket. “What do you guys think?”

“I think it’s awesome.” Lennon chuckled.

“Totally fab,” Caleb nodded, an exaggerated feminine voice slipping through his words.

“You’re just jealous,” I scoffed, standing up. “So, we’ve only got an hour left. Caleb if you get those forms done you can go early.”

Caleb stood up immediately. “Right on it.” He nodded, leaving the office.

“Well that was easy,” I mused, watching him leave.

“Stop checking him out, the kids’ only nineteen.” Lennon teased from behind his computer. He wasn’t even looking at me when he made that accusation.

I rolled my eyes, turning back to him. “I was not checking him out, I have a boyfriend thank you very much. John’s ass looks way better in skinny jeans than his does.”

“So you admit to checking him out then,” Lennon chuckled, before looking up at me. “How you doing? Feeling better these days?’

I nodded. “Yeah, now that I’m finally on top of things around here, my head is a lot more chilled out. I’m a lot more focused and at peace with things.”

“And how’s the boyfriend going?” Lennon asked.

“He’s doing well,” I nodded again. “He’s getting better.”

“That’s really great Leighton,” Lennon smiled positively. “It’s always great having the guys in to work on merch.”

“It is,” I agreed, “having some proper eye candy around this office.”

“Oh god, you’re turning into Elijah.” Lennon laughed, waving me off. “Get out of here!”

I let out a laugh. “Jerk. Seriously though, you can head off now if you want to. We’ve only got half an hour.”

“How do you expect me to get any work done if you’re always letting me off early?” Lennon chuckled.

“I know for a fact that you come in earlier.” I stated, sending him a look. “Go make your girlfriend dinner. Buy her some flowers.”

“Oh good idea,” Lennon nodded teasingly. “I’ll be outta here soon, don’t you worry.”

“Alright Len, call me if you need me.” I nodded before heading out and back into my office.

I started clearing up my office and began thinking about what to have for dinner that night. John was picking me up from work which I was happy about, meaning he wouldn’t be having a late night from the studio. I only felt like something light, so maybe some kind of Moroccan salad…I could really go for that…

“Lei,”

I looked up to see Tate standing by more door. “Oh hey sorry, I didn’t hear you. Come in.” I said, as I gathered my things up from my desk. “What’s up?”

“Not much, just finishing up. You?” She shrugged, sitting on the couch across from my desk.

“Same, thinking about dinner.” I chuckled.

“Ooh what are you having?” She asked, intrigued.

“I’m thinking Moroccan salad.” I gushed.

“Very nice,” she mused with a nod.

“What about you guys?” I asked as I sat down behind my desk, opening up an email for Tim, just letting him know I’d have the designs in for the following day.

“I’m not sure about Garrett, hopefully he’ll leave me some of whatever he has.” She muttered.

I looked up quickly. “Sorry, I didn’t-he’s back to sleeping at home, huh?”

“To be honest, I just want him out.” She sighed, shaking her head. “He’s a hell of a lot harder to deal with right now back at home.”

“He’s still giving you shit? Doesn’t he get that it’s not your fault?” I frowned.

She shrugged. “He really wanted kids, Leighton. I mean, imagine finding out John couldn’t have kids, what would you do?”

“We are in no way ready for kids.” I said quickly, shaking my head.

“But you want to be a mom one day, right?’ She pushed.

I nodded slowly. “Well yeah…I guess I do.”

“Imagine not being able to do that because John is incapable.” She reasoned, “huh? How would you react?”

“I mean I’d be upset, but there’s other ways for having kids, like adoption, or IVF.” I said, reminding her.
“Does he not understand that?”

“Of course he does,” she mumbled, “but…it’s hard y’know? As long as we’re together, we’ll never have biological kids. Plus it’s a lot to deal with this young. I guess he’s just taking his time on whether or not he wants me to be a part of his future.”

Ouch. My heart was aching for her right now. That was so brutal of Garrett and I couldn’t believe what he was doing to her.

“If things didn’t work between you two, would you try with Pat?” I asked carefully, lacking in judgment.

She shook her head negatively. “No way. I don’t even speak to him anymore. I just couldn’t do that.
What we had wasn’t real, y’know? There were no real feelings there. On either sides.”

He really stuck to his word.

“Are you planning on telling Garrett?” I asked curiously.

She shrugged. “I really don’t know. I feel like if I do, he’ll just dump me on the spot. But if I wait until he
says he loves me again, I’ll just ruin everything.”

“So you’re leaning towards…not telling?” I asked.

She sighed. “I really don’t know, Lei. He was supposed to be picking me up tonight but now I have to catch a ride home with Caleb. Garrett decided to get drunk and apparently can’t pick me up.”

“Ass,” I muttered aloud. “I know boys deal with things differently to girls, but he’s being an ass to you, Tate.”

“You think I don’t know that?” She scoffed, “he’s making this so hard. But I don’t know what to say to him. Nothing I do has any kind of impact on him anymore.”

“So why don’t you break up with him then? Don’t wait around for him to do it to you.” I suggested, quickly typing out the email to Tim that was so easily forgotten about.

“Because he’ll kick me out and I won’t have anywhere to go?” She sighed helplessly. That was a really shitty reason not to break up with someone but I didn’t comment.

“You can stay with me and John-“

“No way,” she said quickly, “I don’t want to be a burden or impose on the progress you guys have made. Really Leighton, don’t worry about me. We’re capable enough to live together. For the next few months at least.”

I hesitated. “Just…let me help you if you need it, okay?”

She nodded, standing up. “I should get going, I’ve got a few things to tie up before I leave. I’ll catch you later.”

“Alright. Take care babe,” I nodded.

She waved over her shoulder, leaving me to finish Tim’s email. As soon as I hit send, I received a text from John, letting me know he was waiting outside in the parking lot. With that, I packed up the rest of my stuff and left the office, saying my goodbyes as I headed out to meet John.

I was so relieved to climb into his truck and kiss him on the mouth, so glad to be done for the day so we could go home and relax.

“How was work?” He asked as he started to drive us home.

“It was good,” I nodded, looking ahead. “I’ve got a few final touches to make on the line, but other than that, the winter line is ready.”

“That’s awesome babe,” he murmured, nodding. “I’m proud of you.”

“Me too,” I mumbled, “I put a lot of work into this. I just hope it pays off.”

“It already has, I can tell.” He commented.

“How was your day?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Alright. I showed the guys a new song and we’re gonna get Matt to come in and play keys for it.”

I looked over at him. “Why don’t you play?”

He gave me a look. “I don’t play keys?” He frowned, like it was obvious.

“Yes you do,” I stated, giving him a confused look. “What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know what you’re on about,” he muttered, “I’m not even good at it. Anyway, we’re doing that song on Friday because we’ve got the Halloween show tomorrow-“

“Are you going to dress up like you do every year?” I asked curiously.

“Sort of, we’re all going to wear what we wore the first time we ever played a show. I think I can get my hair back to looking terrible with how long it is.” He scoffed.

I let out a laugh. “I’ve never experienced the teenage John before.”

“Well you can have that full experience, if you want,” he smirked looking over at me.

I blushed and shoved him lightly, taking into consideration that he was driving. “Are you capable of that?” I asked seriously, “How is your new medication treating you?”

“It’s not too bad,” he nodded, ignoring my first question. “I’m not puking anymore, my hands don’t shake as much and I feel like I can get it up for you if-“

“John!” I scolded, resisting the urge to hit him even harder. He was just asking for it now.

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry,” he chuckled, “this medication is definitely better though. I think it was a good idea to make the change.”

“You’re doing really well, John,” I said softly, “I’m proud of you. I really am.”

“It’s because of you,” he said, pulling into our street, our house coming in to view. “If you weren’t constantly kicking my ass I wouldn’t be motivated to do something about it.”

I waited until he parked the car before pulling him in and kissing him on the lips. “I love you.”

“Love you too darlin’,” he sighed.

I’ll admit it; I was having good feelings about him. If this is what recovery felt like, I could get used to it.

***

“Morning baby,” I cooed, climbing back into bed with a plate in my hand. I got up a little earlier to make him a grilled cheese for breakfast, my attempt at calming whatever nerves he may have about tonight.
When I climbed in beside John, I noticed the light perspiration on his forehead and over the bridge of his nose as he slept. I sighed and placed the plate on the bedside dresser before getting up and walking into our bathroom to grab a hand towel, dampening it with cold water and bringing it back to him.

“Come back to bed,” he murmured, wrapping his arms around my waist.

“John, wake up,” I whispered, folding the hand towel and draping it over his forehead.

His eyes shot open. “What are you doing?”

“You’re sweating,” I said softly as he sat up, holding the towel to his head. I moved my hand around to his bare back and only felt the sweat. “You wanna take a cold shower or eat your breakfast?” I asked.

He looked over my shoulder. “I’ll eat first. That looks good, Lei.”

I chuckled as I turned and lifted the plate, handing it to him. “Happy Halloween.”

“No sexy witch get up?” He teased, munching on the food I’d made him. I made a really good grilled cheese, just saying.

I raised an eyebrow. “You want me in a sexy witch get up?”

He looked up, his eyes widened. “You’d do that?”

I let out a laugh. “What would you do for me, huh?”

“I’ll be teenage me, all awkward and horny for you.” He smirked.

“I think that medication is only increasing your sex drive.” I scoffed.

He put his plate aside and pulled me into his lap, my back against his warm chest. “You’re so cute, y’know that?”

“I went from badass to cute? That’s depressing.” I mumbled.

“You could be a badass sexy witch if you wanted,” he teased, kissing the back of my neck. “I wouldn’t
call you cute.”

“You remember our first Halloween?” I asked, a grin growing on my lips as I heard him groan from behind. “I don’t what you’re groaning about, I’m the one who got caught,” I laughed. “That was so embarrassing.”

“You snuck in through my window and my parents still blamed me.” He scoffed.

“You think you’d be allowed to have a lock on your door at twenty three.” I teased, turning sideways in his lap so I could see his face. His large hand rested on my thigh and he started caressing it slowly. “Come on, you have to admit, it was funny.”

“Having your mom walk in on you and your girlfriend is not funny.” He stated, “especially not in matching underwear.”

I shot him a pout. “I thought it was cute.”

“Of course you did,” he chuckled, kissing me sweetly. “I’m gonna take a shower, you wanna join me?”

“How stupid would I be to pass up an opportunity like that?” I asked with a smirk.

Within five minutes we were in the shower and I was washing his greasy hair for him, which was a bit of a task when he was quite a bit taller than me. The red scar on the back of his hip is what distracted me, and before I knew it, my index finger was running over it continuously.

He moved away uncomfortably. “D-don’t do that,” he mumbled.

“Sorry,” I nodded softly, resting my hands on the front of his hips as he turned to face me. “You have a few scars.”

“Most of them are from the accident,” he mumbled.

“You’ve come a long way since then-“

“Can we not talk about it?” He sighed. “I feel like all we do is talk about my depression.”

“Sorry,” I repeated, biting down on my lip as I poked my thumb into his forearm.

He sighed once more and pulled me into him, his body cool against mine for once. “Sorry bub, I don’t mean to be an asshole, I just get tired of talking about it sometimes.”

“No it’s cool,” I nodded, “I get it.”

He pushed me against the cold shower tiles and pressed his lips to mine. “I love you, I mean that,
Leighton.” He murmured.

“I believe you,” I mumbled into his mouth, excepting his tongue while his hands lingered around my body.

I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that adult activities may or may not have taken place in that shower. But I’ll keep that between the two of us.

***

The rest of the day is spent relaxing and lazing around the house. John leaves for the show at four, so Jac and Lydia come over to my place so we can go together, aiming for around seven. When they get here, it’s close to five and I’ve already opened our replacement for alcohol-soda. I greet them at the door and they follow me through to the kitchen, where I’ve started pouring them each a glass.

“So how are you two?” I asked, sitting on a bar stool behind the bench.

“Good,” Jac nodded. “Lyd, you’ll be glad to hear that we went for a run this morning out to the look out.”

Lydia smiled encouragingly. “That’s what I like to hear! What about you, Johnson?”

“I made him a grilled cheese for breakfast,” I admitted shamefully.

“Seriously?” Lydia chuckled.

I nodded. “We both need to put on weight so our eating isn’t exactly ideal right now.”

Jac looked me up and down. “You finally noticed, huh?”

I sent her a look. “My parents started complaining.”

“Mothers always know best,” Jac nodded with a scowl. She didn’t get on well with her mother, an uptight debutante woman who prided herself with her public appearance, which is quite ironic considering Jac’s father was a reggae musician she met in the seventies.

“Speaking of mothers,” I began, “I met up with Jenny for coffee the other day. I didn’t tell him because he would have gone off at me, but she kind of figured out that he’d…hurt me.”

“As in physically?” Jac hummed. “All three times?”

“Three?” Lydia frowned. “I thought it was only twice?”

“He pushed her down the stairs,” Jac said, shaking her head. “Fought over sex. He doesn’t like to be felt up-“

“Would you stop?” I blushed, “it wasn’t like that. He grabbed me to stop me, but I lost my balance and fell. It was an accident. As were the other two times.”

Lydia gave me a look. “The strangling was not an accident, he was having some kind of psychological meltdown when he wrapped his hands around your neck.”

“Anyway,” I continued, already annoyed with their words. “I’m going around next Saturday for lunch, to see the rest of them.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Jac asked wearily. “While it’s good to go see them all, if John found out, he’d…he could hurt you again babe. It could spark something in him, you know how dangerous seeing his family is.”

“I know,” I mumbled, “but I miss his dad and his brothers and I feel like I can get more closure on his condition, I want to talk to Shane about when John punched him, maybe get some answers.”

The girls tried to steer me off with the idea, but I was dead set and I let them know that before moving on to a different subject. They updated me on their personal lives and while I was happy to hear they were happy, it kind of put a downer on the flaws in my own relationship. I mean here I was hearing about how Lydia and Kennedy had had ‘the big talk’ about their future, and Eric had pretty much admitted Jac was going to be his wife, meanwhile, I was a good five or more years away from that because I was scared my boyfriend would never have the capability to commit to something like that, or even be able to be a father. Sure, I had trust in John, but I didn’t believe in him enough to be able to do those things in a healthy state of mind. I almost had a panic attack when he gave me the ring a few weeks ago, thinking it was an engagement ring. I felt sick at the thought of having to reject that kind of advance on his behalf. I could only hope that when he finally did ask me, we was in a good mental position to do so.

Eventually our deep conversation transformed into a lighter conversation and we started to get ready for the show. I got changed into a short black dress that stopped just above my knees. It flowed, so it wasn’t figure hugging, but it was backless and quite busty, all within modest taste of course. I pulled my leather jacket on over the top before I fixed my hair and make-up, styling my blonde locks into loose waves and making my eyes a little darker with a deep red lipstick.

I was pulling on my Steve Madden platforms when Lydia and Jac emerged, both in equally dark dresses and heavier make up to suit the theme of the night. When we were finally ready to go, we got into Jac’s car and set off, blasting old school The Maine just for the hell of it.

“Who’s supporting them?” I asked from the passenger seat as Jac drove around to the back of the
venue.

“This Century,” Lydia spoke up from behind me, “and Austin.”

I played with my ring nervously as we found a parking spot. I really wanted him to be okay. I really wanted him to get through at least half of the show without having another anxiety attack.

“Hey babe, you ready?” Jac asked softly, placing a hand on my shoulder.

I nodded slowly. “Yeah I’m good. Let’s go.”

We got out of the car and headed to the back entrance, where we found a few of the guys smoking and hanging around before the show.

“Babe!” Eric called dramatically as we approached the group.

Jac rolled her eyes, but walked into his arms anyway, greeting him with a kiss. I looked away when his hands went straight for her ass and found myself standing alone as Lydia walked over to Kennedy.

“Do you guys know where John is?” I asked hopefully.

“He’s in the green room,” Joel nodded.

I responded a thanks before heading inside, in search of John. I soon found him in the dressing room, knocking politely on the open door.

“You don’t have to knock,” Garrett chuckled, waving me in. “John’s in the bathroom, he’ll be out in a sec.”

I nodded and entered. “You guys excited?” I asked, leaning against the wall.

“Fuck yeah, it’s been ages since we’ve played a proper show,” He nodded, clearly pumped. I wonder how many drinks he’s had so far.

“She not here?” I asked, lowering my voice as he walked over to stand beside me.

Garrett shook his head. “Nope. Doesn’t fucking surprise me.”

I sent him a look. “She tells me you haven’t been anything short of an ass to her, Garrett.”

“She told you about the kids thing, huh?” He mused.

“It’s not her fault, Garrett.” I sighed. “She can’t physically help it.”

“Well I didn’t deserve to be lied to. You know she knew for about a month before she told me? Only finally telling me when I brought up our future? She made me look like a fucking idiot- I was talking to my mom about it and she just blurts it out. This was after the false alarm.” He muttered. “I would say clear communication is important but she doesn’t even communicate at all.”

They were making it really fucking hard to choose a side.

“You need to just sit down and talk it all out. If I have to stage an intervention, I will do that.” I threatened.

He sent me a look. “Be my guest.”

“Also, you look quite horrific as a teenager.” I added, taking in his get up. I think this was the infamous
thug douche bag stage the boys went through. To say I was glad it was long gone was definitely an
understatement.

“Yeah? Wait till you see your boyfriend.” Garrett laughed.

As if on cue, John emerged from the bathroom in a white and navy raglan and baggy jeans, low enough to show the boxers he was wearing. Not briefs, boxers. His eyes widened when he saw me, making his way across the room to pull me into his arms.

“Hot damn, miss.” He murmured, kissing me passionately.

Garrett made an unsatisfied noise before leaving us, while I dealt with my boyfriends’ wandering tongue in my mouth.

“I am in love with your terrible hair,” I laughed, breaking the kiss. He had his bangs swept over his forehead, the rest spiked up in all different directions. “Is this what you actually looked like as a teenager?”

“Glad you missed it?” He chuckled.

I nodded quickly. “I’m glad I got the hot version.”

“You so would have been into this in high school.” He insisted.

“Oh really now?” I laughed, wrapping my arms around his neck. “So, how are you feeling?”

“Good,” he nodded. “Really good, the medication is doing a lot for my anxiety, that’s for sure.”

“That’s good to hear babe,” I murmured.

“But, I could go for a smoke right now.” He said.

I nodded. “That’s fine. You want me to come with?”

A smile spread across his lips and he gave me a nod before leading me back out to the back door. I was okay with him smoking from time to time, as long as it was the alcohol that he was cutting down/out. If it didn’t interfere with his medication, I was okay with it.

Even though he’d told me he was feeling okay about the show, I couldn’t help but notice how he kept touching me. He held my hand when he didn’t have his arms wrapped around me. He gets intimate when he’s nervous, something he probably didn’t even realize.

“You sure you’re okay?” I asked softly.

He nodded from behind me, turning his head to exhale the toxic smoke. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He mumbled.

“It’s okay if you aren’t, John,” I murmured. “You don’t want to rush anything-“

“I said, I’m fine.” He muttered, a little more harsh.

I shrugged out of his arms, not amused by his attitude. I faked a cough and he got the message that I didn’t want him smoking right beside me. I heard him sigh in annoyance but he stepped back respectfully and didn’t speak another word to me.

Eventually the show started and a few of us stood side stage to watch Austin perform. It was actually kind of cute how he’d keep looking over at Hilary every now and then, the smile on his face growing bigger each time, as did hers.

John was backstage in the dressing room with the rest of the band so I stood between my friends and tried to ignore the nerves growing in my stomach. How did he expect to handle a crowd this big when he couldn’t even handle an acoustic in store? What were they all thinking?
Now my hands were shaking.

***

“Babe I’m gonna be fine,” he murmured, pulling me in for a hug. “I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t think I could.”

I nodded, pulling away slightly. “I just…”

“I know,” he nodded, kissing my forehead and leaving his lips there. “I have to do this. I’ll see you after the show okay?”

I nodded again, kissing him quickly before he followed the rest of the guys onstage. The crowd screamed when they all got to their positions and John greeted the crowd, his left hand shaking badly behind his back.

“Hello Arizona, we’re a band called The Maine,” he laughed. “shall we rock?”

The crowd screamed back and he cued the guys with a nod. When they were firmly into their first song,
I followed the girls back to the bar at the back of the venue, where we still had a good view of the stage. We took a seat and ordered a drink (the girls got some type of alcohol while I stuck with coke), watching the guys perform and thankful to be sitting. It got tiring after a little while, once you’ve been on the side stage as many times as we have.

“He’s doing good,” Jac said, leaning over in my ear.

I nodded in agreement. “I was so worried, but he’s been doing this for years.”

“Aren’t you glad you missed the teenage stage?” She chuckled.

“Oh god yeah,” I laughed, not too fond of his high school haircut.

We watched on proudly as they fed off of the energy the crowd was obviously fueling them, just glad they were back and playing again.

It was about half way when John had his little hiccup in the performance. They’d just ended their sixth
song and he looked to the side of the stage where I assume he assumed we would be standing. The look of panic that crossed his face made my heart ache as he brought his shaking hand up to the mic.

“Where’s…” he spoke more so to himself, but it was heard through the mic.

He walked over to Kennedy, who was playing the outro of the song still, and whispered something in his ear, gripping his arm tightly.

Kennedy too looked side stage and frowned, shrugging.

“He doesn’t know where you are,” Lydia said. “He’s panicking, Lei.”

“Shit,” I muttered, standing from my bar stool.

“Hold on, I’ll text Eric,” Jac mumbled, whipping he phone out and shooting the fastest text message I’d ever seen. By now, John walked shakily over to Jared, who was saying something in his ear.

Eric walked across the stage with a water bottle, humoring the crowd when the screamed. I watched as he handed it to John and came in close, pointing to the back of the venue where we were standing.

John’s head shot up and I raised my hand, so he could see me. A look of relief crossed his face and he nodded, his hands still shaking as he held the bottle. Eric patted him on the back before leaving the stage and John returned to the mic like he hadn’t just had a panic attack.

“So, we’ve been in the studio a lot this month,” he began, and the audience cheered. “Yeah it’s been good man, we’re hoping to get a new record out sometime next year, so stick around for that. But uh, anyway, this is an old song, to fit in with our uh…costumes,” he laughed, “it’s the first song we ever played live so we’re going to try and recreate that moment.”

The boys started what appeared to be a crowd favorite, while John kept his back to the audience the whole time, the guys finding it hilarious. It was, to be honest, as I’d heard stories of their first show and how he didn’t face the crowd.

Thankfully he made it through the rest of the show without another panic attack. As soon as they were finished, we headed backstage to see them. When we saw them, I could see John panicking again, as he looked around for me (I’m assuming).

“John!” I called as I walked over to him, concerned by the look on his face.

He grabbed my hand as soon as we were close enough and pulled me into him. “I need to get outside, babe I can’t breathe, the walls- Leighton I can’t breathe,” he panicked, holding me tightly.

My eyes widened. “John calm down-“

“I can’t fucking breathe!” He choked.

“Dude are you okay?” Jared asked, approaching us.

“I can’t…I can’t,” he could hardly finish speaking, so out of breath.

“Come on, we’ll go outside.” I mumbled, pulling him out of the hallway and out to the back door that was sectioned off so we could have a few minutes alone. “You’re okay, it’s okay, just take a deep breath.” I lightly pushed him against the wall so he had some sense of stability while he tried to regain his breathing.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” he sighed, once taking a few deep breaths. “I just…freaked out.”

“It’s okay,” I murmured, wrapping my arms around his waist. “You don’t have to be sorry.”

“I didn’t mean to take it out on you earlier, though.” He stated.

“It’s alright.”

“You wanna get out of here?” He asked softly, pressing his lips to my ear, knowing it turned me on.

“If by get out here you mean-“

“Yeah, I do.”

“Let’s go.”

There’s no problem with enjoying it while it lasted, right?