Don't Give Up (On Me)

“John, Leighton, this isn’t a high school party, it’s a wedding,” Jenny scolded, leaning over the back of her chair. Lucky us, his parents were seated at a table right behind ours.

I pulled away from John quickly and looked down at my plate, trying hard not to laugh while John blushed.

“Ma…”

“Don’t ‘ma’ me,” she scoffed, swatting him on the arm. “You’re not sixteen, John. Stop…kissing.”

“Mom, stop,” John groaned, putting his arm around my shoulders and turning back around. “I can kiss Leighton if I want to.” He mumbled.

“Don’t be so rude to your mother,” I chuckled, bringing my hand up to his cheek and rubbing his chin with my thumb. “Shane’s the one that sold us out.” I said, glaring at his little brother from across the table.

“Sorry if I don’t want to see you two sucking face all day,” Shane scoffed, looking back down at his phone.

I leaned back in my chair. “Jenny, Shane’s on his phone again.”

“Shane, pass me your phone.” Jenny scolded.

I smirked at Shane as he handed it over, glaring at me this time.

“You’re so evil,” John chuckled, kissing my temple. “I love that.”

“I love you,” I cooed, kissing him quickly on the lips.

“Mom!”

***

I knocked on the door and stood back nervously. I’d told John I was out with Hilary for the day, telling Hilary to cover for me in case John called her or Austin. I didn’t like lying to him, but I didn’t have much of a choice when it came down to it. If I told him, he wouldn’t speak to me. To be honest I think he would break up with me.

But I needed to see them. They were much more than his family; they were mine too. I didn’t think ignoring them would be so difficult.

So when Jenny answered the door and embraced me in a warm hug, I didn’t regret my decision. Not one bit, and that should’ve scared me.

“Oh Leighton, come in! It’s freezing out there!” She exclaimed, pulling me inside almost immediately.

“These are for you,” I said, holding out the flowers to her. Me and John always bought his mom flowers when we came to visit. She was a real gardening lady and always loved it.

“Oh honey you shouldn’t have,” she sighed happily, taking my hand and pulling me into the kitchen/dining room. “Boys! Look who’s here!”

Shane looked up from his iPad and pulled a face at me. “Ew,” he smirked.

“Shane!” Jenny scolded from the kitchen .

“How are you, you little termite?” I chuckled, walking over and hugging him from behind his chair, staying like that because I missed the little sucker. It’d been way too long since we’d seen each other.

“Good,” he sighed, “bored, but good.”

“Oh yeah, you’ve finished school now haven’t you?” I asked, sitting in the chair beside him so I was facing him.

“Yeah,” he nodded, looking back down at his iPad. “Graduated in September.”

“John said you two were Colorado that week.” Jenny hinted from the kitchen.

My eyes widened. “Oh my god, we missed your graduation?!”

Shane shrugged. “It doesn’t matter, it’s just-“

“No Shane, it does matter. I’m so sorry, John didn’t even tell me. We haven’t been to Colorado since last year.” I stated, feeling extremely bad. “I’m so sorry.”

“I didn’t think he’d let you come anyway,” Shane scoffed. “He hates me.”

I rolled my eyes. “He doesn’t hate you-“

“He hit me because I was gonna start taking lessons- just because he was never good at it, doesn’t mean I can’t do it- he’s just gotta be the best at everything.” Shane muttered.

“Shane,” Jenny warned.

“He can be like that sometimes,” I nodded in agreement. “He hates when I do things for him because he can’t do it himself. He doesn’t like people seeing him as weakness.”

“He’s so stupid,” Shane scoffed.

“I’m sorry we couldn’t make it, bud,” I sighed, “I really am.”

Shane shrugged. “It’s alright, I get it.”

“I’ll take you out for lunch okay? We’ll go have a belated graduation lunch, does that sound good?” I offered.

He nodded with a laugh. “Sounds good, as long as you’re paying.”

“Shane!” Jenny scolded again.

“Typical ladies man,” I chuckled, sitting back.

“Is that Leighton I hear?”

I looked up and smile as John’s father walks into the room. “Papa O!” I laughed, standing and greeting him with a hug. “How are you?”

“I’m very well, Leighton, and how are you?” He chuckled as we sat back down at the table.

“Doing alright,” I admitted, “John’s been showing a lot of progress so we’re good.”

“Enough progress to actually come and see us?” Shane muttered.

“Shane put that away,” Jenny demanded. “And stop speaking about your brother like that.”

“Because of him I have a permanent scar!” Shane scoffed.

I only noticed it when he spoke about it. It was a small one, but there nonetheless, just below his lip.
“John’s got one like that too,” I mused, turning his face towards me. “he hit you in the mouth?”

Shane nodded, pushing my hand away. “My teeth ripped through.”

I winced. “Ouch. Did you have to get stitches?”

“Three,”

“Oh stop being a pussy, I’ve taken so many more hits.” Ross said as he walked into the room, a little three year old in his arms.

Funny, I could say the same thing.

“There’s my favorite little guy!” I cooed, accepting Jonah as Ross placed him in my lap and kissed me on the cheek. “How’re you doing?” I asked.

“Great,” Ross nodded, ruffling his sons’ hair before sitting beside his father, across from me and Shane.

“Tell her your news honey,” Jenny prompted, smiling like crazy as she stepped out of the kitchen.

My eyes widened. “What news?!”

Ross let out a laugh. “I uh…I’m engaged.”

I don’t think my eyes could get any bigger. “Seriously?! Get over here!” I exclaimed, holding onto Jonah with one arm and embracing Ross with the other as he stood and walked back over.

“Yeah I proposed a few weeks ago and she said yes straight away. Same day as the little ones fourth
birthday.” He explained, hugging me and going to sit back down.

“That’s amazing, I’m so happy for you guys,” I gushed, before stopping. “Wait, fourth birthday?”

Ross nodded. “He’s getting big huh?”

“I just can’t believe we missed it,” I mumbled, “and your engagement, and your graduation,” I said looking at Shane.

“and mom and dads’ thirtieth wedding anniversary.” Shane added humorously.

My jaw dropped. “Seriously?”

“John always had an excuse hun, you can’t blame yourself.” Jenny sighed, going back into the kitchen and soon returning with a tray of coffee and cakes. “We understand.”

“But I should have come out anyway-I should have tried at least.”

“You didn’t know about any of it,” Jay nodded, “from now on, we’ll tell you instead him.”

“It’s not like he’d come out anyway, dad.” Ross stated, and we all knew he was right. “I wanted him to be my best man but I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

“I’ll make sure it happens,” I said firmly. “He needs to get his act together.”

“Well you said he’s been making progress dear, so we can only hope.” Jenny nodded.

Jonah pulled on my hair, catching my attention. He was such a good looking toddler already, taking a lot of the O’Callaghan traits. I really was stoked that Ross was engaged. He’d been with Jonah’s mom since they were sophomores in high school, sticking together through thick and thin, and all the difficulties that came along with having a child at only seventeen.

I looked up to see Jenny watching me with motherly eyes while the boys talked about the past few months John and I had missed out on. I could tell what she was thinking and I couldn’t deny it. Every time I was around Jonah, I just wanted one of our own. I know having kids for us was a long way off, but I couldn’t wait. That is, if he ever wanted to have kids. It was weird to think that while I sat with his only nephew persuading me into motherhood, he was probably still laying in bed right now.

I guess some things never change.

***

“You want to start a family, don’t you?”

I looked up from the plate I was currently washing in the kitchen as Jenny cleared the bench. We’d just had an amazing lunch and were tidying up the kitchen while the boys watched TV in the living room. If this was her way of cornering me into grandchildren, I probably should have seen it coming.

“What?”

“I saw the way you were looking at Jonah, you’re so good with kids, Leighton.” Jenny complimented, stopping what she was doing and looking at me.

I blushed. “I’m just good with Jonah- he’s a good kid.”

“Do you feel like John is holding you back from that?” She pushed.

I sighed. “Jenny, I really don’t want to talk about this,” I pleaded, feeling myself get emotional about it. “It’s not the easiest thing to discuss.”

Her face softened. “Oh honey, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep any boundaries.” She apologized, opening her arms and pulling me in for a hug. A hug I couldn’t help but cry into.

“It’s just really hard sometimes,” I sobbed pathetically. “No one gets how hard it is, I just hate seeing him like this- and I miss you guys. I don’t want to stop seeing you guys but I hate lying to him.”

“Oh I know sweetie,” she sighed, rubbing my back. “I know it puts you in a hard position and if you feel like you have to stop seeing us for John’s sake, we won’t take it personally, darling.”

“I just…I don’t have any brothers or sisters, y’know?” I sniffed, pulling back to look at her. “Shane and Ross are the closest thing I’ve got, and I love them like they were my own brothers. It just hurts to think I could lose them if I keep seeing them.”

“You’ll never lose them, Leighton,” she said firmly, rubbing my arm. “You’ll never lose any of us- you’ll always be special to us.”

“But I want to be around for everything, y’know? There’s no way in hell I’m missing Ross’ wedding. I can’t believe we didn’t show up to Shane’s graduation.” I sighed, feeling a headache coming on.

“He was a little upset,” Jenny admitted, “not that he’d ever admit to it, but I could tell. But he understands why, baby.”

I pulled her in for another hug. She really was like a second mother to me. “I don’t know what I’m going to do, Jenny. I really don’t know anymore.”

What else was there for me to do? Just keep lying to John about seeing his family? Not tell him that I was stabbing him in the back? What was I supposed to say if he found out? Would I have to be the one to tell him?

I couldn’t handle that.

Physically, emotionally or mentally; I couldn’t handle that.

***

I woke up to a kick in the guts.
Well, more like a knee. I clutched my stomach in pain and groaned loudly, but he didn’t seem to notice. I struggled to open my eyes because it was still so dark, but I looked over the clock and groaned even louder when it read 2.30 AM.

The sound of a whimper attracted my attention and I noticed John stirring in his sleep, a painful look on his face. I held the sheet against my bare chest and sat up, trying to push him awake.

“John,” I murmured, “John, baby.”

He slurred a few words together that I couldn’t comprehend before shoving my hand away sub consciously.

“John,” I said, my voice louder and stronger, and my push much firmer on his hip.

His eyes shot open and he grabbed my wrist tightly, pushing me down roughly and hovering over me. I don’t think he even knew what he was doing because he was half asleep, but it sure as hell scared the shit out of me.

“John!” I snapped, trying to get him off of me. “John!”

“Don’t fucking touch me!” He screamed.

“John!”

It was almost like snapping your fingers in front of the hypnotized, bringing them back to reality.

“Leighton,” he breathed heavily, beads of sweat forming under his hair line. “Lei…”

I pushed him off of me, sitting up and trying to slow down my breathing, as did he. “John, what the fuck was that about?”

He said nothing but stared up at the ceiling. “Where’s my clothes?” He murmured, sitting and looking around for his shorts.

“John,” I pushed, trying to get an answer out of him. “John?”

“I need a cigarette.” He mumbled, pulling on his boxers and leaving the room quickly.

“John talk to me-“

“Leighton! Just fucking drop it!” He thundered, before storming out of the room.

I sighed and dropped back into bed, ultimately over him. It’s the medication, it’s the depression, it’s the medication. I kept repeating the excuses over and over in my head until I calmed myself down. I sat up slowly and picked up my phone, bringing up the internet and typing a bunch of words into Google.

‘insomniac meltdowns’
Nightmares
Break downs
Mid-life Crisis
PTSD
Emotional Abuse

I shut my phone off and dropped it back down on the bedside table, dropping my hands onto my face in frustration. I laid there for a few minutes before climbing out of bed (complete exhausted, might I add) and pulling on one of his oversized sweaters and my underwear. I grabbed another of his sweaters and his boots before heading downstairs. It was cold, because he’d left the front door open; which only made me shiver.

I made my way onto the porch and dropped his boots by his feet before holding out his sweater to him.
He held out his cigarette and I held it while he pulled on the sweater, before taking the cigarette back and not speaking a word.

“We have to talk about it,” I said, breaking the tension. Well, maybe the silence, but not the tension.

“I think you should go inside and put some pants on.” He mumbled.

I rolled my eyes and sat on the step beside him. “John, you can’t just attack me and not expect to talk about it.”

“I didn’t attack you-“

“You did.”

“I was having-“

“An episode?” I said quickly, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Fuck off,” he muttered, flicking the ashes of his cigarette in my direction.

“John!” I snapped, wincing as it stung. I punched him hard in the arm for that but it didn’t seem to phase him. Here I was, hitting him back and he didn’t seem to take any notice. “What the hell is wrong with you?!”

“I think you should leave.”

I stopped. “What?” Leave him alone or leave him?

“It’s what you really want,” he mumbled.

I frowned in confusion. “What?”

“I think…” he looked out onto the street. “I think you should stay with Jac and Eric for a few days. You need space from me.”

“No, I don’t-“

“I’m sucking you in to this black hole- I’m sucking the life out of you-“

“You are not; don’t be ridiculous,” I scoffed, shaking my head. “John, we’re doing okay, you and me.”

“Babe, I’m trying to help you out here-“

“If we were ever wanting to start a family, and one of us freaked out and wanted ‘space’, would we live apart for a while? Would we avoid the situation?” I asked, looking at him. “No, we wouldn’t. That doesn’t help anyone.”

“Leighton-“

“So I don’t need space from you. No matter what happens to you, I’m not leaving until the day you end this relationship. If we want to get married and start a family one day, we have to be able to make it through the worse.” I stated, looking down at my lap. I didn’t think I’d ever have to have this conversation.

“What if all this medication fucks me up and I can’t have kids?” He asked, look down at his cigarette.
“What then?”

“Then we adopt. Or we go through IVF.” I shrugged. “There are other ways.”

“And what if I’m a bad dad?” He asked, looking me in the eyes. “Leighton what happens if I can’t love my own child?”

“You will be able to-“

“But what if I can’t?” He choked, his eyes filling with tears. “I don’t ever want to be a dad because I don’t want to have weight of another persons’ life on my shoulders. I don’t want to be the reason my child drowns in the pool because I fell asleep, or has a bad childhood because I’m fucked on medication, or pushes himself in front of moving traffic because his dad is a fucking lunatic- Leighton I can’t handle that.”
By now he was full on crying, which isn’t something that happened a lot. I threw the cigarette out and pulled him into my arms, and I held him close to me as any chance of a family slipped away as quickly as the sun came up that morning.

Just because the sunrise was beautiful, doesn’t mean the sunset wasn’t anything less of a fucking nightmare.