Don't Give Up (On Me)

“Dude, how’s the recording going?” Eric asked as we sat around the kitchen table in Jac and Eric’s small house.

“It’s going good man,” John nodded, munching on a green bean. We were invited around for dinner, which turned out to be steamed vegetables, potatoes and steak. Eric and John had grilled the steak on the barbeque in their backyard while myself and Jac worked on the vegetables. “We should be done soon.”

“Shit, that was fast,” Eric stated, taking a sip of his beer. “You have to let me come in and hear a few tracks.”

“Yeah definitely,” John laughed, “as long as you don’t go stealing them for Santino.”

“We’re actually planning on taking a bit of a break,” Eric admitted.

“Seriously?” I asked, a pout pulling at my lips.

Eric nodded, chuckling at my expression. “We’re not breaking up, we’re just taking a breather. Nick wants to venture out with his solo thing, Justin wants to tour for Brighten, and Andy wants to get more involved with the art scene in LA. Right now is just a good time.”

“So what are you going to do?” John asked with a frown, before looking between Eric and Jac. “Oh god you’re having a baby, aren’t you?”

Jac’s eyes widened. “Are you calling me fat, O’Callaghan?!”

“What else would he have to do?” John asked, pointing at Eric.

“We’re not having a baby,” Eric stated, holding his hands up in defense. “I’m just gonna…I don’t know, do some stuff with 8123 and play with a few friends in their bands.”

“Oh. Sorry,” John said, more so to Jac, who simply poked her tongue at John before lifting her wine glass to her dark painted lips.

I craved the wine. I’d been dry for a while now, as we almost hit mid-November. But now I was starting to feel the withdrawals. It turns out I had a lot of beer weight, and now considering we weren’t drinking, I’d just gotten a lot bonier, John too.

“So, you figure out what you’re doing for Christmas yet?” I asked Jac. We’d had this conversation before when the four of us had caught up, and apparently Eric had something planned but wouldn’t tell Jac what it was. He’d also supposedly told John, who wouldn’t tell me either, because he knew I would tell Jac straight away. They were both probably right.

“No,” she scoffed, sending Eric a look. “The ass won’t tell me.”

“Okay wow, you won’t be calling me an ass when you see what it is.” Eric stated.

“Well you won’t be getting any ass until I see what it is.” She threw back playfully.

Eric let out a laugh before kissing her.

I looked over at John who blushed and looked at me. I took it upon myself to cough ridiculously loudly to break them up.

“So what are you guys doing for Christmas?” Jac asked.

“We’re going to New York.” John answered confidently. I know we’d mentioned it in passing, but I didn’t know he was so set on it. I mean, I really wanted him to work through his family issues and hopefully, we’d have Christmas with them this year. It just felt like the right time to be with them.

“Oh wow, that’s gonna be gorgeous in the winter.” Jac nodded. “How long are you two going for?”

“Just a few days, a week at the most.” I suggested, looking at John.

He shrugged. “However long we want, doesn’t really matter I guess.”

I didn’t like this idea of escaping, because that’s what it felt like. I wanted him to be with his family, with his brothers, and Jenny. “We haven’t really planned it all out yet but we’re pretty keen on it.” I concluded, before moving the conversation onto a different topic. Anything to get away from that.

When we finished up with dinner, Jac and I cleaned up in the kitchen, while John and Eric went down the hall into the study because Eric apparently wanted to show John something. As soon as they left the room, I grabbed Jac’s glass from the table and skulled the rest of it.

“Okay what happened to staying dry?” She asked as she turned around, her voice low so the boys wouldn’t hear.

“You don’t know how long I’ve been craving that,” I sighed, putting the glass down. “I’m such a bad girlfriend-“

“You are not,” she scoffed. “You’re not the one that has to stop drinking, he is.”

“I said I’d do it with him.” I stated.

“He’s twenty five, he doesn’t need training wheels.” She threw back, sending me a look.

“Are you still mad he said you were pregnant?” I asked, trying to weave her off topic as we continued to wash the plates and cutlery.

“No,” she chuckled, waving it off. “I just miss drinking with you.”

“I miss it too,” I admitted, “but it’s really doing him wonders, and I want that to last.”

“For how long?” She asked, challenging me.

I sighed. “Until we can find a better solution, at least.”

“I worry about you, Lei,” Jac sighed. “You’re stick thin. I know that, because that’s my old sweater that was too small for me, but it’s huge on you.” She said, pulling on the hem of the pale blue sweater I wore. “Even that watch on your wrist is moving around. Not to mention the ring.”

I looked down at my skinny wrists and thin fingers. “It’s…it’s the weight from the alcohol, I’ve dropped a lot because of that.”

“Why haven’t you been eating properly?” She asked softly. “You know this could hurt your chances of ever getting pregnant, right? It could also cause health problems later on in life.”

“You think I’m starving myself?” I scoffed, “you think I choose to not eat? Have you seen John?” I asked sarcastically. “He’s the exact same. This isn’t some sick pact, we’re going through a lot right now
and it’s incredibly stressful. Eating isn’t always at the top of the list. God half the time he’s throwing up because of the pills.”

“That’s no excuse for you- stop making everything about him!” She hissed. “You need to be selfish!”

“Oh because that works for a relationship.” I scoffed, rolling my eyes.

“Being selfish isn’t a bad thing, Leighton. You need to put yourself first and sort out your health so you can be strong enough to-“

“To what? Babysit my boyfriend?”

“I wasn’t going to say that.” She said firmly.

“I know exactly what you were going to say.” I muttered, “thanks for dinner, but we really should be going. John!” I called.

“Leighton, don’t be like that.” She sighed.

“I don’t want to be somewhere where I’m going to be judged over my weight.” I snapped back. “John come on!”

“Leighton-“

“What’s up?” John spoke as him and Eric came down the hall.

“I just remembered I left the iron on,” I lied, “we should get going. We’ve got an early start tomorrow morning.”

“Yeah you’re right,” he nodded, and we said our goodbyes to Eric and Jac.

Within ten minutes we were out of there, and the boys didn’t even seem to realize the tension between us. I don’t know why I snapped at Jac, but I think it had a lot to do with my mood being off recently because of my lack of proper healthy eating. I was trying to get on top of it, but work was getting more intense and I was missing a lot more dinners at home than I would have liked. John was actually eating better, cooking himself a proper meal each night and making sure to eat it all so he could put the weight back on. I told him to stop cooking for me because of the late nights I was having just pushed me to get take away and eat it at the office.

Thinking of food only made me hungrier, even though we’d just eaten. I pulled into the McDonald’s drive thru and waited to order.

“Uh Lei?” John asked confusedly.

“I’m really hungry,” I mumbled, rubbing my stomach. “Aren’t you?”

He shrugged. “A bit I guess. Vegetables don’t really fill me up.”

“You’re filling out better, by the way.” I stated, squeezing his thigh. “You look much better. Your face is a lot more fuller too.”

“God, I’ve got like two chins.” He muttered, pulling down the sun visor and looking at himself in the small mirror.

I rolled my eyes. “You do not.”

“My jeans have been getting a little tighter so I guess that’s good.” He shrugged. “I don’t have to poke more holes in my belt anymore.”

“You’re already so thin naturally.” I nodded.

“Well so are you,” he stated, “you haven’t been putting on weight. It’s not good babe, I like my girl with a little more meat on her.”

“I’m trying,” I mumbled, biting my lip as I drove forward. “What do you want?”

“Whatever you’re having.” He shrugged.

“Two deluxe Big Mac meals!” I called out, surprising him. I sat back and drove on to pay. “What? I’m hungry.”

“I’ve always loved your appetite.” He chuckled, leaning over and kissing my cheek. It used to send a spark. I think he was a little disappointed when I didn’t kiss him back, but right now I was more interested in eating than kissing.

“I don’t know how we let it get this bad.” I mumbled.

“You’ve been worrying too much about me.” He stated bluntly. “You know it, too.”

“Well why wouldn’t I?” I asked, looking through my purse for some cash as we pulled up at the window to pay. I handed the money over and drove up to the next window.

He nodded quietly. “So why did we leave so quickly?”

“I told you, I left the iron on-“

“Babe you didn’t use the iron before we left.” He sighed, “I knew something was up when you used that as an excuse, but now I want to know what’s going on.”

“I just…got into a disagreement with Jac, that’s all.” I said, shrugging it off like it was nothing. “I didn’t agree with what she was saying.”

“About what?”

“It was about me, wasn’t it?” He pushed.

I didn’t respond as I drove to the next window and accepted our food, handing it to him before heading on home.

“You’re not good at lying, Lei.”

“It wasn’t about you,” I lied anyway. “She kept commenting on my weight.”

“You can’t blame her, bub,” John sighed. “Maybe you should see a doctor.”

I rolled my eyes. “I don’t need to see a doctor. I just need to eat a little more.”

“A lot more.” He corrected.

“Shut up,” I muttered, pulling into our driveway and getting out of the car automatically. I was so over people telling me about my weight. Yeah, I was unconventionally thinner than I would have liked to be, but I couldn’t help it right now. I was trying to get on top of it, but I had a lot going on right now. It’s not like I didn’t notice my clothing getting bigger, or that my hips protruded a little more obviously.

“Leighton,” he sighed, following me up to the front door.

I grabbed the bag from him and walked into the kitchen, not in the mood for any of it. “Leave me alone-“

“I’m saying this for your own good!” He insisted, as I took my food.

“Or is it because you just don’t want to fuck someone who’s not your type anymore?” I shot back crudely before heading upstairs.

“Leighton!” He scolded, like I was some teenager in a bad mood.

“What? It’s probably true!” I yelled, walking into our bedroom and slamming the door behind me, making sure to lock it. “Just leave me alone!”

And he did. I didn’t hear another word from him as I sat alone in our room, staring at the food I no longer wanted to eat, trying not to cry.

This was so pathetic.

***

I woke up the following Saturday morning to an annoying knocking on the door. I’d forgotten to unlock
it when I went to bed last night, leaving John to sleep on the couch. I guess he was getting a taste of his own-

“Fuck,” I murmured in realization. I was acting exactly like him. The mood swings, the arguing, the fighting with friends, the lack of eating. “No,” I shook my head firmly as I got out of bed, rushing into the bathroom to wake myself up by splashing water onto my face. I was not going to let myself fall into whatever it was he was sucking me into. I had to be there for him, not self-destruct just like he had begun to do. That wasn’t going to happen.
Once leaving the bathroom, I unlocked the bedroom door, and wasn’t expecting a shirtless John to pull
me into his arms.

“I’m sorry about last night,” he sighed.

“Me too,” I murmured. “I’m sorry, I was just tired from work and exhausted.”

“And I should have just stopped nagging you about the weight thing. I know what it’s like to lose weight against your will, so I should have been more understanding.” He said.

“I’m sorry about the comment I made.” I blushed, burying my head into his warm chest.

“You’ll always be my type,” he chuckled. “I’ll always want to fuck-“

“John!” I scolded, smacking his chest. “Don’t be rude.”

“Sorry.” He teased, lifting my face to kiss me.

“Not now, I haven’t showered and I feel gross.” I pouted, rejecting his lips once again. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to kiss him, I just simply couldn’t handle the lack of meaning behind the kiss. It hurt like daggers.

“You wanna go out for breakfast?” He asked, rubbing the back of his neck. I immediately thought back to how Caleb did that too.

Caleb.

“I have to drop a file by Caleb’s house.” I piped up, remembering the promise I’d made to drop it round ‘tomorrow morning’ as in today. “So yeah, let’s go out for breakfast.”

His face fell slightly before he painted a false smile on his face. I don’t know what that was about.

“You wanna take a shower together?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at him in hopes of brightening his mood.

“I had one downstairs,” he said, and I looked up at his damp hair.

“Oh okay,” I nodded, before heading into our bathroom. “I’ll be quick.”

“Take your time!” He called back.

Why was that so awkward?

***

John’s POV

Why was this so hard?

***

“I’ll only be a few minutes,” I assured him, leaning over and kissing him on the lips before I jumped out of the car with the file under my arm. I made my way up to the modern house Caleb owned by himself. I’d come to understand he owned quite a few properties and had a few zeros next to his name, but still liked to live in a modest house in a modest part of town.

Although he also owned a penthouse in the city.

I knocked on the door four times and waited for him to answer. I stood back patiently and heard a human stumbling around and tripping into what sounded like a pair of boots on the hardwood floors within the home. I was surprised when a half-naked Caleb answered the door in only boxer shorts and his
typical combats.

“Is this some kind of kinky foreplay for your girlfriend?” I asked, not even bothering to filter my words.

He let out a laugh. “Oh shut up, I’m half asleep.”

“You know it’s almost noon, right?” I teased.

“Yeah, yeah, you forget I’m still a teenager.” He scoffed, waving me off.

“Oh right, still so young.” I smirked. “Anyway, here’s the file. Take a look through and get back to me on Monday. That’s the type of thing we’re after on the design team. If there’s anything you’re not sure of, flag it and Tate can go through it with you on Monday.”

“Will do, thanks Leighton. I appreciate this.” He nodded.

“It’s no problem, honestly.” I insisted.

“So, you excited for Wednesday night?” Caleb asked, hugging the file to his chest. It must have been a teenager thing, but I don’t know how he could possibly stand the cold wearing next to nothing.

“What’s Wednesday night?” I mumbled, trying to think back-

“Your launch party!” Caleb exclaimed, shocked I’d forgotten. “It’s gonna be awesome! We get to celebrate your line!”

“Oh yeah!” I laughed, nodding. “I’m kind of nervous, to be honest.”

“You’re gonna do great Lei,” he smiled, placing a hand on my shoulder. “The line is amazing, it’s going to be a success, I can feel it.”

“Thanks Caleb,” I said softly, feeling a little bit better about it. I’d been fretting over how well it was going to do and to hear that from someone who I know would tell me the truth, it meant a lot. “Anyway, I’ll see you on Monday. Don’t party too hard.”

“You too!” He called as I headed back down to John’s truck, waving him over my shoulder.

I got back into the truck and looked over at John, who looked calm for once. “You ready to go eat?” I asked, a smile on my face. I was in a really good mood all of a sudden, and I didn’t want to lose that.

“Yeah, lets go.” He nodded.

“You okay?” I asked as we drove into town.

“Yeah I’m good.” John insisted, holding my hand. It wasn’t much to sway me, but it was something.

“So how’s the boxing class going?” I asked, sitting back in my seat.

“Good,” he nodded, sub consciously caressing the back of my hand with his thumb. “I’m feeling a lot more calm about things.”

“No more panic attacks?”

He looked over at me and pushed a small smile. “No more panic attacks.”

“That’s really great bub,” I commented. “I’m so proud of you for putting the effort in.”

“I figured that I’ve been dealing with it long enough to start working harder against it, y’know? I don’t want to be depressed for the rest of my life and I want to make a change. It affects you a lot and I can’t have that.” He said firmly as we pulled into a parking spot outside of our favorite diner.

“You’re doing it for me?” I asked, a little taken back.

“Of course, who else would I be doing it for?” He shrugged, looking over at me.

“Uh, yourself?” I suggested.

“It’s all for you darlin, without you I wouldn’t even be here right now.” He sighed, getting out of the car.

I got out and tugged my coat tighter around my body, walking over to where he was waiting for me.
“You don’t give yourself enough credit.” I sighed.

“You are the most important person in my life, it’s that simple. It fucking scares me.” He mumbled, taking my hand and pulling me into the warm realms of our favorite diner. We took our regular seat in the booth down the back but we didn’t look at the menus. I wanted to talk about this. I wanted to get this out and admit to things we’d both been tiptoeing around. We couldn’t keep avoiding things.

“What do you feel towards me?” He asked, beating me to it.

I bit my lip, knowing he’d take whatever I said the wrong way. “I love you, you know that.”

He nodded and picked up a menu. “What do you feel like eating?”

I pulled the menu from his hands and threw it down. “What about you?”

“Are you still in love with me?”

He looked me dead in the eye and it made me sweat. Why was he asking me this? Did he doubt me? Or was this the medication talking?

“Of course I do.” I frowned. “Why would you-“

“I said in love, not love.” He said firmly.

Oh.

The difference. There was a difference. I hadn’t even realized. I used to be both.

“I love you.” I repeated, trying not to choke. “I’m still in love with you-“

“I care about you,” he interrupted, “and I’m in love with you-“

“But you don’t love me?” I nodded quietly.

Shit. My whole chest ached. Was this what a panic attack felt like? Was he breaking up with me in our favorite diner?

“I do…I’m just in a really hard place, Lei.” He sighed. “My head is just…”

“Have you been talking to your therapist about this?” I asked, reaching across and taking his hand in
mine.

“Yeah,” he nodded, looking down at our hands. “I need you.”

“Tell me what she said.” I murmured.

“She said I need to focus on myself before I can focus on you.”

“You don’t need to focus on me.” I stated. “You need to take care of yourself.”

“Can you understand where I’m coming from?” He asked. “And not hate me for it?”

“I could never hate you for something you couldn’t control.” I said softly. “I just need you to be open with me.”

“Can you…”

“Can I what?” I prompted, caressing his hands.

“Can you not leave me?”

I felt tears fill my eyes and I looked up to stop them from falling like I knew they were threatening to. He was unlovable. He didn’t love himself and was convinced I couldn’t possibly.

“Lei-“

“C’mon, let’s get something on the way home.” I insisted, grabbing his hand and pulling him out of the booth and back out to the truck.

“Leighton I just-“

“Shh,” I murmured, getting into his truck. When we got in, I took his face in my hands, looking him in the eyes. “I will never leave you, you get that? Never. Don’t doubt that. Ever.”

“But what if-“

“For better or worse.”

***

Sunday

“What do you feel like for dinner?” John asked me as we lazed around on the couch that night. The weekend had already escaped us and I was borderline exhausted.

I shrugged, kissing the side of his neck. “Not bothered.”

“Nope, not good enough. We’re eating.” He stated, patting me on the leg and getting up from the
couch. “What about breakfast for dinner?”

“Oh and extra bacon?” I murmured, looking over at him.

“Oh yeah,” he nodded, pulling me up and into the kitchen. “Do we have any bread?”

Things were okay after yesterday. We ended up heading back home and staying in, just talking things out. We were putting our relationship on hold and just focusing on getting better- the both of us. We were a lot more casual and it was a lot easier to deal with things. That’s not saying we weren’t together anymore, it just meant we were putting ourselves first. We were becoming more independent, which is what we needed.

“Just the eight grain bread.” I mused, opening the freezer and taking out what was needed. “Hey you’re
free on Wednesday night, right?”

John looked up from the stove, where he was setting up the pan. “Yeah, pretty sure. Why?”

“Tim’s having a launch party for my new line at 8123. I think everyone from 8123 is going.” I shrugged.

“Are you asking me to be your date?” He teased.
I pouted. “I’m asking you to be my arm candy.”

He walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me. “I would love to be your arm candy.” He
chuckled. “Of course I’ll go, I’m so proud of you, darlin.”

“Thanks,” I murmured.

“My pleasure.” He whispered, kissing my forehead. “Let’s make some dinner huh?”

Although our conversation yesterday was grueling and emotionally draining, I was feeling a lot better about us. We had a lot more out in the open in regards to how we feel towards each other. Yes, our relationship wasn’t in the best place, and yes, we’d both openly admitted to faltering feelings due to the lack of pressure and stress we’d been under recently. But I felt like we were going to come out of all of this much stronger than before, which was the ultimate test for any relationship, right? I mean, if Garrett and Tate could get through their crap, I’m sure we could get through ours.

But, it was almost Christmas and I wanted him talking to his family by then. I just wasn’t sure how to bring the topic up without him going crazy on me. He should know about his brothers engagement, and he should celebrate his nephew’s fourth birthday- we should be actively involved in their lives and I know he was missing it.

But like all O’Callaghans, there was just too much pride to swallow first.