Don't Give Up (On Me)

“How long do you see us together?” I asked nervously as we sat in the park that hot summer afternoon.

“Hopefully forever,” he admitted sheepishly, reaching for my hand. “I love you- you know that.”

“I know, I was just wondering.” I teased lightly, leaning over to kiss him on the cheek. “I love you too.”

“Honestly, I’m seriously starting to question the point of our relationship,” I admitted to Jac, as she sat on the couch beside me in my office.

She sighed, rubbing my back. “I’m so sorry babe.”

I shook my head and wiped my eyes. “I just…I don’t feel happy around him anymore.” I scoffed.
“I love him but I hate him at the same time.”

“Or maybe you just miss him.” Jac suggested. “The old him?”

I pondered the thought for a moment, nodding in agreement. “Or I could just miss him. But I’m so angry at him, for something he can’t help. That’s so wrong, Jac.”

“It’s not wrong- it’s totally normal when your boyfriend has depression- or anyone you love has depression. How are you supposed to know how to deal with it when you’ve never been around it before?” She asked, sending me a look.

“He’s been dealing with this for almost a year- it’s almost December for fucks’ sake.” I pointed out. “I should be able to take what he gives me without crying at least.”

“No!” Jac snapped. “You shouldn’t have to take anything he gives you! Depression isn’t about letting them off with a green card because of this…chemical imbalance! It’s about helping them deal with what they have and learning to live with it. It’s about making changes so they don’t live an emotionally unhealthy life!”

I bit my lip, feeling the tears come on again. “He pulled me out of the car on the side of the freeway.” I whimpered. “He told me not to see his mom again.”

“He told you not to?” Jac sighed.

“He said it was him or them.” I sniffed.

“Leighton…” She murmured knowingly.

“I know, I know okay?!” I sighed, shaking my head. “I know what this means.”

“I’m going to say it anyway-so you hear it. Relationships can’t be made from ulta matims!”

How many times have I cried at work this year? I’m sure you could donate my tears and provide
water for an entire struggling village. It didn’t even feel like December because December always felt Christmas-y. By now we’d have our tree up, and the house decorated with Christmas lights. By now, we’d have some of his moms’ cookies in our kitchen, scenting the whole house with a festive aroma. By now we’d still be talking to each other.

Yeah we haven’t spoken since the incident on the side of the road. That was a good week and a half ago. I didn’t say a word when we got home, and he was too pissed off to bother. I heard him yelling in the other room, shouting profanities that sounded like they were aimed at someone in particular. I picked up the second house phone and heard him shouting those words to a sniffling Jenny. The only reason she received a call from her eldest son was to let her know that he no longer wanted her to be a part of his and his girlfriends’ life. He threw a shot to the heart by claiming that she’d never be invited to any sort of ‘wedding’ were we to get married. He told her I felt the same way, and all I could do was bite my tongue, not wanting to cause any further arguments.

Since then he’d been cut from his families’ medial insurance. He’d done it himself, and I was trying not to have a nervous breakdown at paying the bill for his therapy, which summed up to be around two hundred dollars per session. He’d also stopped going to his anger management boxing classes, which I felt only allowed him to take it out on me more. Y’know, if he was speaking to me and everything.

“I really think you should stay with me and Eric.” Jac voiced, looking at me. “Or just me- Eric will stay with John, even for a couple of days. Babe, I honestly think it’s for the best.”

“I can’t,” I sighed, “it’s not the right time. We’re fragile.” Wasn’t that the truth. “Even though we’re putting ourselves first, we still need to acknowledge each other and our issues, y’know?”

She let out a sigh but nodded respectively. “Alright…just…don’t let him dominate you. He needs to know his place, Lei.”

“I know.” I nodded quietly. “I know all of this.”

“So what are you gonna do now? With Christmas coming up?” She asked. “You can’t be like this over the holidays.”

“I’ll try talking to him tonight,” I said, once taking a deep breath. “You’re right, Christmas is only a few weeks away.” Which meant our

“Speaking of which, do you know what you’re getting him for Christmas?” She asked curiously, changing to a lighter topic. “I’m stuck on what to get Eric.”

I sat back, not even having time to think about what I was going to get him, because I was going to get him something. I mean although we’d been fighting and treating each other badly recently, I wasn’t not going to get him a Christmas present. He was my boyfriend, and I didn’t want to make the holidays worse. This was our first Christmas without family so that alone would be extra hard, on top of the depression, our unstable relationship and his medication. It was a lot of crazy emotions that surely wouldn’t make the holiday time easier, for any of us.

“I really have no idea,” I mused, “maybe…I don’t know, what type of jewellery would you get a guy?” I wondered aloud. “I mean I know John’s into rings and stuff so maybe…one from some native American label?” I suggested.

“Oh that’d be perfect for him,” she hummed. “I think I’m just gonna take the dork shopping and buy him things. I’m over half his wardrobe.”

I let out a laugh. “Does he have a leather jacket?”

“He doesn’t really wear leather,” she pouted, “which sucks because I think leather is hot.”

“Oh it is,” I smirked with a nod. “maybe get him new boots…or a puppy.”

She sent me a look. “They’re at pretty different ends of the scale, Lei.” She chuckled.

“You know how much he loves Ruby,” I said, sending her a pout. “It would be cute.”

A smile grew on her lips. “He’d love that. Maybe a small dog.”

“Does this mean I get to come with you to buy it?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

She poked her tongue at me. “Of course.”

Jac hung around for a while as I went back to work, sorting out paperwork and getting ready for the Christmas line that was due to go live tomorrow, around midday. Tim was coming to the office for that too, as Dirk would be stopping by to deliver the photos himself. Apparently he’d gotten the big group photo printed onto a canvas and Tim wanted to put it up in the main 8123 offices. We didn’t usually work on Thursdays, but it was needed with the extra work we had going. And apparently, John would be in the studio all day so I’d be alone anyway.

When Jac eventually did leave, I found myself looking online for a ring John would like. He only wore two, that were pretty plain, so I wanted to get him something trendy that he would be into.

“Yo boss,”

I looked up to see Caleb walking in with a small smile and a Starbucks coffee. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Not much, I just got here.” He said, walking over and placing one of the cups on my desk. “I picked you up a latte on the way.”

“Thanks, you didn’t have to do that,” I nodded appreciatively.

“It’s cool,” he shrugged, waving it off.

“So why did you only just get here?” I asked, looking at the time on my computer, which informed me it was already three in the afternoon.

“I had a shoot today- I told you this last week,” he chuckled, sitting on the edge of my desk. “You’ve been kind of out of it, huh?”

I sighed and nodded. “A lot has been keeping me distracted.” I admitted.

Caleb crossed one leg over the other. “With your boyfriend?”

“Yeah…” I nodded quietly. “A week and a half ago, just before the shoot, he had an episode.”

Caleb looked up at me, alarmed. “Oh no, is he okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah he’s okay now, he started drinking a lot, and it affected his medication. He woke me up choking on his own vomit. He was hardly conscious and I thought I lost him.” I said, my voice shaking. It was hard to talk about because of how close I’d actually come to losing him.

Caleb sent me a sympathetic look. “Shit, I’m so sorry Leighton. Has he stopped drinking now?”

“He has now, I know it’s hard for him, but he’s trying hard not to.” I sighed.

“And I’m guessing his moods are getting more intense because of it?” He asked knowingly.

I rolled my eyes in agreement. “It sucks, but I understand.”

“Yeah the medication can react badly with alcohol.” He nodded.

“This is the third type of medication he’s been put on.” I added. “The other two gave him really bad symptoms and made him extremely sick.”

Caleb frowned. “I’ve never heard of that. It’s sounding like the medication isn’t agreeing with his condition.”

“Did that occur with your little brother?” I asked, a growing panic in my stomach.

Caleb shook his head. “It didn’t. But every case is different- it just sounds unusual to me is all.”

“His doctor is starting to attend his therapy sessions because of the constant changes,” I mumbled, looking blankly at my computer screen. Was it more serious than I thought? How could I know? I hardly spoke to him these days. “He doesn’t tell me a lot of things.”

“They usually won’t, and there isn’t much you can do about it.” He sighed. “I hate to say it, but you can’t always make things better.”

“That’s the worst part.” I admitted, feeling tears stinging the backs of my eyes.

How could one person be so unaware of what they put another person through?

***

I needed her here.

***

With only an hour left of work, I found myself staring at the photo before me on my computer screen. It was the photo Dirk took of myself and John last week. Talking about the incident with Caleb only brought up emotions I didn’t know I had towards what had happened. I hadn’t yet let myself deal with it and now? The emotions were hitting me head on. If I hadn’t been home, or if I’d been sleeping in the other room, he could have died. If Eric and Kennedy didn’t get here in time, he could have died. I would be alone right now. I’d be going home to an empty house for the rest of my life, knowing that getting over his death was something I wouldn’t ever be able to do. I don’t know how I would be able to survive something like that. It made my heart ache just thinking about it.
I felt the tears force their way down my cheeks, the thought of losing him that morning to much for me to bare. Not in an ‘I won’t be able to handle your anniversary’ kind of way, but a ‘I won’t be able to handle Thursdays, or mornings, or alcohol, or sleeping in our bed, or ever witnessing people throw up’ kind of way.
I’d probably even move houses because of-

“Leighton!”

My head shot up and I came back into reality as I heard my name being called. Tate came rushing into the room as she saw my face, draping her arms around me to pull me into a tight hug. She’d been told about what happened with John the morning it happened- everyone had. She was even more pissed off with Garrett and again, they apparently weren’t sleeping in the same bed. He’d been at his brother’s house for the past two nights too because their arguing had gotten out of hand and they simply weren’t talking to each other right now.

“Leighton, are you okay?” She asked worriedly, holding me tightly.

“N-no,” I whimpered, my hands shaking as I held onto her. “What if he d-died? Tate what if it happens again and I lose him? I can’t survive losing him.”

“Oh my god Lei, that’s not going to happen,” she said softly, kneeling in front of me. “Calm down, okay? Just take deep breaths.” She said softly, yet firmly enough to slow down my breathing. “You should go home, okay?”

I nodded slowly, shaking my hands out. “I just…I need to see him, I just have to-“

“Yeah babe, we can cover for the last hour, we’ll be fine. You go home.” She nodded slowly.

I stood and she pulled me into a tight hug. “I need to see him, Tate. I’ll call you later, okay?”

“You do what you have to do Leighton, there’s no point you staying here in a state like this. You won’t be able to focus.” She insisted.

I started packing my things up when she let go, simultaneously trying to take deep breaths in order to drive home safely. “You lot go home in half an hour okay? I know it’s not much but-“

“We’ll be fine, Lei. Just worry about yourself, okay?” she said softly.

I took long shaky breaths. “Yeah okay,” I nodded, pulling my bag onto my shoulder and kissing her cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow okay?”

She nodded, rubbing my back as she walked me to the front doors of the warehouse. Everyone else was taking a short break upstairs in the kitchen so I trusted her to pass the information back along to everyone else. “We’ve got Tim coming in at noon, so even if you need to come in around then, that’s okay.”

“No I should be alright,” I nodded assuring her. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Take care!”

When I got home that night, he was asleep. He was passed out on the couch, so I tried not to make too much noise that would wake him up. Like I’m sure is obvious, he needed all the sleep he could get. Especially now.

I walked over to him and sat on the edge of the couch, gently running my still shaking hand through his hair. I missed his touch, even if we were at eachother’s throats right now. I loved him and I missed him.

“L-Lei?” He croaked, his voice unusually raspy. Doesn’t matter, I was still so relieved to hear that voice.

I nodded softly. “Yeah hun, it’s me.”

“C’mere,” he sighed, opening his arms.

I kicked off my shoes and placed my bag on the ground before laying down and rolling into his arms, unable to stop the tears from falling. I should have been here for him more. It was obvious how much he depended on me and what Caleb had said was right.
No one should have to go through this alone.

“Darlin’?” He mumbled, confused.

“I’m sorry,” I whimpered quietly, “I’m so sorry.”

I should have been there. I felt his grip around me tighten as he sighed. I should have been there and he knew it.

***

John’s POV
There was nothing I could do but accept it. My girl was falling into the arms of another man- or boy, I should say. I couldn’t blame her.

I couldn’t.

But maybe I could change her mind.

***

Late that night, after sleeping on the couch for about an hour and a half, John disappeared upstairs, which was when I heard the bath running. I laid there quietly, catastrophic feelings circling my stomach. How was this all going to end? When was he going to snap again? How much would I be able to take? I couldn’t handle this kind of suspense. No one should have to live this scared.

“Darlin’, why don’t you come up and get in the bath with me?” He asked carefully, leaning in the doorway. “You need to relax.”

I got up from the couch slowly and walked over to him, kissing him on the lips. It was empty and we both knew it.

How were we going to end? Were we going to end? How would we relight that spark? Was that even possible in our current state? Maybe it was just because we weren’t focusing so much on our relationship anymore.

He pulled me out of my thoughts by taking my hand and pulling me towards the stairs, up to our connected bathroom. We didn’t face each other as we undressed, which I didn’t know whether to take as offense or if I was just over looking things, considering he was the one that turned away first. It was like he didn’t have the right to look at me, which didn’t make sense because usually, he would be the one removing my clothes for me.

I stopped when I was down to my underwear, and turned around to reach around his still frighteningly narrow waist, undoing his button on his jeans. I went for the fly, but he stopped my hands.

“You don’t have to,” he said softly. “If you’re not comfortable…”

I bit my lip, frowning a little. I don’t know why he was being so…anti-intimate all of a sudden. I pulled away and kept undressing, getting into the water quickly. He took his time, not looking at me at all. The first time he looked at me, was when he climbed in behind me, laying back and pulling me so I was resting on his chest, his long legs moving around my body and proceeding to hang off the edge of the bath.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been talking to you,” he murmured, using his hand to pour water through my hair.

“We both haven’t been talking.” I pointed out.

“We said we’d focus more on ourselves.” He stated.

I nodded. “But we haven’t found the balance. We’re either worrying about eachother, or not speaking. There’s no in between with us.”

“The focusing on ourselves thing isn’t working,” he mused.

“We’re too far away,” I mumbled, playing with my hands. “It’s easier for…things to happen.”

Like me not being there for you enough.

Like me almost killing myself right in front of your eyes.

Like me lying to your face about your family.

Like you falling for another guy.

“I forgive you for that right now,” he murmured.

Wait, so he’d picked up on it too? God that was even worse. But I was glad to hear he’d forgiven me
about his parents. Even though he was still mad, I was relieved he understood that it was the mature thing to do. For the sake of us.

“I’m gonna try harder with you,” I said softly. “If you don’t want me to see your family, I won’t.”

I felt him tense underneath me.

“Therapist-“

“I’m not talking about them, John,” I sighed. “I’m just telling you that I understand.”

“I just…I need you to promise me something,” he said, almost wincing.

“What is it?” I asked, slightly scared as I stared at the wall in front of me.

“I need you to stay with me…I still love you regardless of y’know…what you’ve done, I just need you here every night.” He mumbled.

I slipped my hand into his, the action feeling foreign. “You don’t even need to ask.”

For some reason, he wasn’t persuaded.

“Just…it doesn’t matter what happens during the day, as long as you come home to me every night.”

The worst thing about that statement, was that I couldn’t tell whether or not he was being poetic, or literal.

Even worse, I think it was the latter.

Was this him admitting defeat?

JOHN’S POV
This was me accepting their relationship.

***

I was quick to work Friday morning, leaving John in bed. He was up, on my laptop checking his emails. He’d been telling me about the album and I’d only be half listening considering the recording process for him still made me nervous. But from what I gathered, they were up to one of the final songs that they were going to record next week- some piano ballad which they were getting a friend to track. I’d asked him to show me or sing me a few lines but he refused, saying I could just wait like everybody else. I didn’t like how snappy he’d gotten with me and how protective he was over the album. I understood that this was what he did for a living, but it is in no way an excuse for me to be treated like shit by him.

I left that morning slightly pissed with him and just ready to get to work. Tim was coming through today and so was Dirk, it was the day of the Christmas line launch and we were also beginning to pack orders for my own line, which had sold out immediately. That didn’t quite lift my mood, but it definitely took my mind off of it all.

When I got to the warehouse, it was a lot busier than I thought it would be, that’s for sure. As soon as I walked through the door, it was go, go, go. I left my bag in my office before joining everyone with the orders, Tim included.

“How you been?” He asked me, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Good,” I nodded, observing the work going on in front of me. “How’s it been today?”

“Busy, that’s for sure.” He scoffed. “Why’d you have to be so damn successful?”

I sent him a teasing look. “Can’t help it, it’s in the family.”

He rolled his eyes playfully. “How’s that boyfriend of yours?”

“Up and down, as usual.” I shrugged.

“I mean after the…incident,” Tim murmured, turning away from the commotion in front of us.

“Oh,”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring it up, I just-I’m his manager, y’know? I need to know he’s doing okay.”

He sighed. “He won’t answer my calls.”

“Have you seen him in the studio?” I asked curiously. God, don’t tell me he wasn’t showing up- that was the last thing I needed.

“Nah, Pat told me not to drop by. They’ve been working incredibly hard and I can’t believe they’re almost finished with the album.” Tim mused, his eyes widening to prove just how surprised he was.

“Yeah John told me they’re tracking the last song next Thursday. Supposed to be the big piano ballad, huh?” I mused.

Tim looked over at me, his eyes searching for something. I raised an eyebrow and he turned back towards the group in front of us. “We go live this afternoon. You ready for more chaos?”

I took a deep breath and nodded, dismissing his strange behaviour. He was stressed most of the time so I didn’t usually take notice. “As ready as I can be, I guess. I’ll be spending a lot of time in my office with Caleb. There’s a lot we’ve got to go through together, and I need him to be prepared for when it does get busier.”

Tim nodded. “You getting on with him?”

I looked at Tim with a questioning look. “He’s my intern, of course I am.”

“No that’s good,” Tim assured, “it’s just, he’s only a kid still, y’know? He’s got a lot of learning to do- lack of life experience.”

“I’m pretty sure he’s had plenty of life experience.” I said, heading back to my office so we could discuss this further. “I don’t understand what you’re getting at, Tim.”

“I’m not getting at anything, I just want to make sure that he’s respecting you. I know how teenage boys are Lei, and-“

My eyes widened. “I’m his boss! This is a professional working environment!” I hissed, shoving him in the arm. “What are you saying, that you think we’re hooking up?!”’

“No, Leighton I-“

“What Tim?” I scoffed, crossing my arms over my chest. “Am I leading him on? I can’t believe you’d even-“

“Leighton!” He snapped lightly, coming in close to keep his voice down. “Look Lei, I’m just looking out for you. Caleb’s a good guy and I’m not suggesting anything, alright? All I’m saying is that…” he sighed, running a hand through his short hair. “I know you’re emotional right now, and you didn’t get any time off after John’s accident which has only added stress, plus you’re a close personal friend. I care about you and I worry about John. I’m just…being over protective I guess. I know things haven’t been that great between you two so I know this month was going to be hard.”

This month? What because it was Christmas? Because it was usually family orientated and we’d lost half a family these past eight months?

But I guess I did appreciate his concern. It was nice to be worried about from time to time, even when the person who was supposed to be doing the worrying was the one I was worried about. God it’s been a long nine months of worrying. Or ten months, who was keeping count anymore?

“Thank you,” I sighed softly, accepting his hug. “I’m sorry for snapping at you.”

“Don’t sweat it hun, I get that I can be annoying. I’ll leave you to your work, just take it easy alright?” He said firmly.

I nodded. “Thanks Tim.”

He gave me a nod before heading back out into the warehouse. I saw him wave Caleb towards my office and he was at my door within a few seconds.

“You ready for a shit load of paper work?”

***

The rest of the day went by in a blur. I spent the day with Caleb, getting through mountains of paperwork before we gathered in Lennon’s office to launch the line. We celebrated with a few drinks considering it was almost noon (I missed out on those, I was adamant about staying strong for John), and Dirk came by to release the Christmas photos. He hung around for the rest of the day, taking of photos every now and then but mainly staying to talk with Tim and the others.
We’d decorated the warehouse last week for the shoot and kept the decorations up for Christmas like we always did, so it was starting to finally feel like a normal Christmas day.

Only it wasn’t and I was about to find out the hard way.

I was also about to find out some pretty hard to swallow secrets.
It all started with my completely drunk boyfriend crashing through the front doors of the warehouse, screaming in anger, trying to find me.

“What the hell?” Caleb frowned from beside me.

My eyes watered slightly as John’s eyes found mine. “Oh my god,” I murmured.

I stood, as did Tim from Tate’s desk. He began to approach John, who shoved past him, making his way to my office.

“Wha-the fuck Lei?!” He screamed, shoving my door open.

“John,” I tried firmly, but coming to no avail as my voice shook on each word.

“Tha- fuck?! I washhh fuckin’ right!”

“Dude,” Tim began, trying to get past him. It was no use, John was heavy when he was drunk, and wasn’t moving from my doorway.

“John man, c’mon,” Dirk pried.

I made my way around my desk and walked over to John. “John what the hell are you doing?!” I hissed. Not that there was a point- everyone had already witnessed his grand fucking entrance.

“I knew it all al-alonggg!” He spat, pointing at me visciously, almost taking my eye out. “You cheap little whore!”

“John!” Tim thundered, pushing past him and standing between us. “That’s enough!”

“Tell ‘em!” John screamed, pointing at me and then Caleb who sat frightened behind my desk.

“Tell who what?!” I cried in confusion. “John I don’t know what you’re on about!”

“I saw it! I -ssaw the looks- I s-saw your fuck-fucking history!” He slurred. It was a miracle we could understand what he was saying. I was too gutted about the drinking. I can’t believe he was still drinking, even after last weeks’ incident. I can’t believe it.

“What are you talking about?” I frowned, trying to remain calm, even though my boyfriend was a drunk mess in my workplace. I can’t even begin to explain how embarrassing this was for me right now. I couldn’t believe he was doing this- and in front of everyone I work with? There was no joking around- Jack wasn’t laughing and Elijah and Tate were no longer bickering. No, we were all too focused on my train wreck of a fucking boyfriend that decided it would be a good fucking idea to show up completely off his face at my work. This is something (if Tim wasn’t my boss) that I could potentially get fired for. But no, that was not important.

“New York!”

My history- my internet history. Oh my god.

“John, it’s not-“

“You’ve been fucking him!” He yelled, shoving Tim out the way to get closer to me. That made Caleb stand up for sure. He thought-he thought I was cheating on him? With Caleb?

“John you’ve got it all wrong-“

“Oh fuck off!” He scoffed, coming in way too close for my liking. “I knew it! You bitch you can’t lie to me! I know you’re screwing him and I know you’re planning on going to fucking New York with him! What, do I not please you anymore?! Are you into younger guys?!”

“Oh my god, dude you’ve got it all wrong,” Caleb insisted, rushing around the desk. “I would never- Lei’s my boss-“

John shoved him hard in the chest. “Don’t dude me! And she’s my Lei! My Lei! Get your own fucking slut!”

Woa, did he just call me what I think he called me?

“John, you need to get out of here, now.” Tim said firmly.

“There’s nothing going on with me and Caleb, I don’t know what made you think-“ I began, but of course it was no point. He just started screaming over me, and to be honest it was starting to scare me. A lot.

“I fucking get it now!” He claimed, struggling out of Tim’s grip around his shoulders as he tried to get a hold of him. “You don’t love me- after all I did! After all I did for us!”

Alright I know I shouldn’t have retaliated when he was this drunk and upset, but I couldn’t take that comment. I didn’t know how it felt to be truly angered by someone you love, but now, I was over it.

“After all you did?!” I shot back. “What the fuck have you done apart from abuse me and drink behind my back?!”

“Don’t you dare- I was gonna- it’s our fucking anniversary you skank,” he spat. “That ring?! It’s a fucking engagement ring!”

Oh. My. God.

I stood there, completely dumbfounded. It went silent as I didn’t know what to say. I think he was beginning to sober up, his slurring taking the back seat. Tim looked at me with sympathetic eyes as he stood behind John, unsure of what to do.

“Get him out of here.” I said quietly, looking away. I didn’t need to see that look in his eyes.

“Gettoff’a me!” John snapped, stumbling into Tim as he tried to get away from him.

“Wait,” I murmured, before I attempted to pull the ring off of my finger. I couldn’t have it on now that I knew the meaning behind it. No way.

“Lei…baby…”

I finally got the ring off and walked across, tucking it into his pocket. “Go home and sleep it off.” I said firmly.

“Leighton-“

“Get the fuck out!” I yelled, shoving him in the chest.

It was like talking to a stranger. I didn’t know this person anymore.

***

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” Jac sighed as we sat in her car. I sat in the passenger seat whilst she drove, with Eric in the back seat.

“I don’t know,” I mumbled, as I stared at our house. I didn’t want to face whatever it was I was about to deal with. We needed to leave that god damn house. “I forgot about our anniversary.”

“It’s not your fault Lei; you’ve been under a shit load of stress lately.” Eric stated, rubbing my shoulder as he leant forward. It wouldn’t hurt for John to be like Eric once in a while.

“But that’s our two years.” I said quietly, my voice shaking as tears brimmed to my eyes. “And that was an engagement ring.” I hissed. “He was going to propose to me.”

“I had no idea he was even in that mindset,” Eric sighed. “I should have gone to see him today, we were going to go out this afternoon- I should have-“

“In no way is this your fault, not for a second.” I said firmly, turning to face him. “I can’t…I don’t have the fight in me to take the blame for all his drinking- I…I think I’m done.” I ended softly.

I felt the two exchange glances. Either they were shocked I had the guts to do this or they were relieved I was finally doing this. Who knew anymore?

“Do you want to stay the night?” Jac offered. “Eric will stay with John. I think that’s Jared’s car.”

I shook my head softly. “I need to see him first. But…I might take you up on it tomorrow?”

“Of course,” Eric nodded. “Call us tonight though if you change your mind, alright?”

I nodded. “I will. Thank you so much.” I sighed, as I got out of their car. Turns out John walked all the way to the warehouse, so Tim drove him back in my car, calling Jac to come pick me up early that afternoon. I guess working with one of your closest friends had its perks.

I gave them both hugs and thanked them again before heading up to the front door. They waited until I was inside before they drove off, and I was relieved to finally be home. I left my bag by the door and walked into the living room to see Jared on the couch on his phone, much like before. “Hey Jay,” I greeted softly, my voice tired.

He looked up and gave me a sad smile as he stood, walking over to greet me in a hug. “Hey darlin’, how are you feeling?”

“Exhausted,” I chuckled painfully, “is this what heart ache feels like?”

He winced, pulling away. “Tim told me everything he said.”

“Did you know he was going to propose?” I asked quietly, not sure of where he actually was.

Jared nodded guiltily. “He also came to me when he thought you were cheating.”

My eyes widened. “How long did he think that?”

“A few weeks,” Jared admitted, “he accepted it at one point. Felt it was what he deserved.”
Shit. My eyes filled with tears once again and I felt them threatening to slip down my cheeks.

“God, I can’t believe he’s such an idiot,” I whimpered, running my hands through my hair. “Where is he now?”

“In bed, he’s not sleeping though. He wouldn’t speak to me, but I figured I should stay, just in case.” Jared sighed.

I nodded. “Thank you so much Jared. For always being here-it means a lot.”

“Of course,” he scoffed, rubbing my back. “I really need to get home, but call me, okay?”

I nodded and told him I would, before seeing him to the door. I had really supportive friends, as I was coming to realise. I was also coming to realise that it was okay to ask for help from them. I needed to stop being so afraid of judgement- I knew my friends better than that, I knew they wouldn’t judge me. They’d been there the whole time, offering nothing but help and support.

When I had a few minutes by myself downstairs, I slowly made my way to our bedroom, where I found John lying in his boxers in bed, on my side of the bed. He was facing the door and looked up when he saw me. He didn’t say a word, but his eyes filled with tears.

I was exhausted. I couldn’t handle this person anymore- I need my John back. “Hey,” I croaked, not realising how tired my voice really was.

“Hey,” he mouthed back. He was exhausted.

I walked over to the bed, kicking my shoes off and removing my scarf. I climbed in beside him, wrapping my arms around his sickly waist. I couldn’t stop the tears then, and neither could he. He hated crying in front of me, and tried not to as much as possible. He really loathed the emasculating side of it. He hated being so weak.

“I love you so much,” he choked, “if you’re with him, it’s okay. Just don’t leave me.”

I felt my heart break. God it was enough to paralyse me. “I’m not with him-I’d never cheat on you,” I whispered. I really had no control over my own voice anymore.

“But the real estate, in New York? And the way you look at him-“

“I don’t look at him like that. I’ve only ever given you those looks and you that,” I sniffed, wiping my eyes. “And that was a rough night for me, John. I was losing myself and I didn’t know what to do.”

“Because of me?” He asked.

I nodded. I wasn’t going to lie to him. “Because of you- John you lie to me, you abuse me, you hurt me, you called me a whore, a slut and a skank today. In front of everyone I work with.”

“And a bitch. I called you a bitch-“

“John.” I sighed.

“Sorry,” he murmured, pressing his lips to my cheek as he pulled me into his chest. He didn’t attempt to kiss me, it was just the intimacy we needed. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Stop cursing so much,” I sighed again. “I can’t handle the negativity anymore.”

“Sorry.”

“Talk to me, for the last time John.” I pleaded, looking up at him, eyes so watery I could hardly see him. “Why have you been drinking?”

“The nightmares,” he mumbled, “and it helps me get through the day. I’m depressed. I’m really fucking depressed, Leighton.” It was like a self-realisation and it was breaking my fucking heart.

Sorry for the cursing.

“Why does it help you?” I sighed, “What are the nightmares?”

“Therapist,” he choked.

“John for fucks’ sake,” I whimpered, burying my face into my pillow. I was so tired of this.

I felt lips press against the back of my shoulder. “I love you Lei…I’m sorry I’m like this.”

I’m so fucking sorry.