Don't Give Up (On Me)

Wednesday Morning.

“Baby I know you don’t want to get up today, but we have to go see your doctor.” I murmured as I sat beside his ‘sleeping’ form. I leant down and pressed my lips to his bare shoulder as he buried his face in his pillow. I ran my hand up and down his back, trying to pry him from bed. “Hun?”

He rolled over onto his back and looked up at me. “Yeah I’ve been awake for a few hours.”

I raised an eyebrow. “I showered with the door open because I figured you were asleep.”

“I know,” he chuckled, “and I thank you for that.”

I rolled my eyes playfully as he pulled me on top of him. “We have to get going John; we have an appointment in half an hour.”

“Yeah okay,” he nodded, sitting up and rubbing his face, his hair still a mess from last night. “I need to shower though.”

“Be quick and I’ll make breakfast.” I piped up as he dropped his feet over the edge of the bed, the sheets exposing his naked form. I blushed and looked away. “Eggs?”

“No I think you carry those,” he threw back teasingly.

I rolled my eyes with a scoff, “Put some clothes on!”

“Your fault for taking them off,” he smirked, leaning over the bed to kiss me. “I love you. Thank you for everything. Last night, yesterday- thank you for staying with me, even though I put you through hell…and accused you of cheating, and hurt you in so many ways, and called you names- ultimately, I’m sorry for ruining the past eight months of your life.”

“They haven’t been easy but you haven’t ruined my life,” I pouted, pushing his hair back. “We just…have a lot to work through. Like, between us.”

“You think we should go through counselling?” He asked, looking up at me.

I shrugged. “It could help us.”

“Garrett and Tate are doing it,” he nodded, “we probably should too.”

“They are? She didn’t tell me that,” I frowned, making a note to call her soon.

“Yeah apparently she cheated on him with someone Garrett knows. He didn’t want to say who, but he’s not as pissed at her as he should be.” He explained, sounding resentful towards Tate.

“You don’t know her side, John. Don’t be so quick to judge.” I warned.

He raised an eyebrow. “You knew?”

I shrugged. “She was going through a lot.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked, before stopping himself. “Nevermind.”

“She thought she was pregnant but when she told Garrett, he freaked out. Then she found out she couldn’t have kids and he didn’t take it as well as he should have. That’s why they’ve been so distant with eachother. He was trying to figure out whether or not he wanted a future with kids in it.” I explained, only realizing how harsh of him that sounded.

“Shit,” John mumbled, his eyes wide. “I didn’t know that.”

“I guess that’s just how it is sometimes,” I sighed.

He looked over at me, his hand gracing my stomach. “You’re okay, right?”

“I’m fine babe,” I murmured, leaning over to kiss him. “But I won’t be if you don’t get your ass in the shower. We’ve got twenty minutes to get to his office and we cannot be late.”

“Okay, okay, I’m going,” he nodded, pulling on a pair of shorts before walking to the bathroom. I couldn’t help but watch as his hand shook beside his hip.

He was nervous.

***

I slipped my hand into his as we walked into Dr. Adams’ office. It still shook, even when I tried to hold it against my thigh. We let go once sitting down on the couch in front of Dr. Adams’ desk, an upgrade from the single chairs.

“How are you two?” He asked as he sat in his chair behind his desk.

“Okay,” I answered slowly, once learning John wasn’t going to respond.

“And you John?”

I looked at John and he shrugged.

“I’m aware you know about the misdiagnosis?” He pushed.

John nodded simply.

“This happens from time to time when all symptoms aren’t full shown, and when we don’t have a lot of information to go on. You do have depression as a symptom for the disorder, which explains a lot more of your symptoms which we thought were simply from the medication.” He explained.

“So now what?” John shrugged.

“So now, I apologise.” Dr. Adams nodded. “These things do happen, but nonetheless I put you onto a medication that was not fit for your true diagnosis, so I’m sorry for that.”

John nodded. “I understand. I…wasn’t exactly honest until recently.”

“It does take a lot of courage to admit to something like that, so I commend you for doing so. However, I’d like to talk about your next move.”

“My what?” John frowned.

Dr. Adams turned to me with a questioning look. “I thought you would have discussed this prior.”

“Discussed what?” John snapped.

“John,” I said calmly, turning to him. “I…I want you to get professional help.”

He grabbed my hand out of reflex. “You said you’d support me-“

“This is me supporting you babe,” I insisted, looking directly into his eyes. “I’ll still be here when you get out-“

“Get out? Get out of where?!”

“Rehab,” I said, trying to push the calm nature of my voice. “There’s a program that works on your drinking problem and a few of your anxiety issues, along with how to deal with your depression.” I explained. “You’ll stay at the facility and there’ll be support groups and therapy sessions you’ll go to. I’ll see a therapist on the outside and then I’ll see you on the weekends and on Thursdays for couple sessions.”

He sat back, clearly taken back with the sudden news. “Shit.”

“Yeah,” I nodded softly, “I know it’s a lot, but I think…this is what the both of us need. I need some
time alone, to go through this, because…it’s a lot for me to handle. But you can call me every single day and talk to me about anything and I’ll listen to you. Just because you won’t be here, doesn’t mean we won’t be together.”

He was quiet for a long time before he finally looked over at me. “This is what you really want?”

I nodded.

“Okay,” he nodded softly.

“We’ll also be putting you on a new medication, this time, one that shouldn’t cause you any unnecessary side effects.” Dr. Adams added.

“Which ones?”

“Paxil; that’s mainly for the PTSD, and we’re adding a mood stabilizer to your dosage, called Ativan.” He explained. “We’ll start you on that when you enter rehab, which I’m told will be after Christmas, is that correct?”

I nodded. “Yes.”

John looked at me. “Leighton-“

“You need this, John. I’m not trying to get rid of you. I’m trying to help you.” I reinforced.

“But I’ll be able to come home for the New Years, right?” He asked, looking between me and his doctor, who nodded.

“I don’t see what a day or two will harm.”

“Okay then,” John nodded. “Fine. I’ll do it.”

“I’ll call the facility this afternoon and email you both about the details. This is a healthy step forward to the road of recovery, John. You won’t regret making this decision.” Dr. Adams nodded, lifting a brochure and sliding it across his desk, is wedding ring gleaming in the light. “There is one more thing we need to talk about.”

“Of course there is,” John sighed loudly.

I shoved him sending him a look for being so rude.

“We need to discuss what legal actions we’re going to take against the other party involved in the situation.”

John sighed, “I don’t even know if he still lives in Arizona.”

“He does, I have his number,” Dr. Adams responded quickly. “It takes one call, John. One call and you can spark a chain reaction to get more of his abused students to bring him down.”

“There were more?” John frowned in confusion.

“You really think sexual predators prey on one person? I’ve dealt with this kind of thing before. When a child claims they’ve been sexually abused or molested, you have to believe them, even if they’re lying.”

“But I’m not a child,” John stated.

“No, but you were. Authorities will get in touch with his former and current students and they’ll be questioned. But only if you get him charged.” Dr. Adams pushed.

John hesitated. “I’m not ready. Not yet. I couldn’t stand in a court room and do that. I don’t have it in me just yet.” He looked to me with pleading eyes.

Don’t make me do this.

I nodded. “We won’t do it just yet. John needs to work on himself before we even think about taking legal action. We will, but not yet.”

We were in his office for another half hour, discussing John’s treatment and how we’d go about the new diagnosis. It was a lot to take in and by the end of our session; I had picked up on the frustration and the stress he was feeling. It was overwhelming for the both of us that I still hadn’t accepted what he’d gone through. I just couldn’t imagine a man like him going through something so degrading.
When we left, we were both feeling somewhat better (if that was possible) about the situation and even though he was anxious about going to rehab, I was relieved he’d cooperated and done more than consider it. I think it was the fact that I was going to do counselling with him that made him say yes. I told him we were going to do this together and I planned on keeping my promise. Truth being, I probably needed this just as much as he did.

“I’m proud of you,” I murmured, looking up at him as we got to his truck, stopping so I could pull him in for a hug.

He sighed. “I hate being like this. I hate everyone knowing my past.” He mumbled.

“It doesn’t make you weak.” I stated, talking into his shoulder as his arms tightened around my shoulders.

“No, but it makes me feel weak,” he scoffed, pulling away to pull his cigarettes from his back pocket.
He hadn’t stopped smoking the past few days, going through a packet and a half each day. I know it was bad for his health, but it was one of the only things keeping him calm. We didn’t talk a lot, he just sat on the porch with his guitar, smoking and writing. “Sorry.” He nodded as he lit up.

“I don’t mind you smoking,” I shrugged, holding his hand but stepping back as he took a drag.

“Leighton!”

I looked up to see Tate and Garrett walking out of the building we’d just left ourselves. I was surprised to see them before remembering that they’d been doing counselling. They weren’t holding hands but they looked like they were able to tolerate each other.

“Hey man, you got one of those for me?” Garrett asked, nodding towards me but approaching John.

I walked over to Tate, pulling her back a little. “Hey, how are you?” I asked, while the boys started talking over the smoke. “John told me you guys have been doing counselling?”

She sighed. “I had to tell him. I couldn’t lie to him anymore.”

“And you told him it was Pat?” I asked, somewhat surprised that I didn’t even believe when John had told me.

“Yeah,” she nodded quietly. “he made me. I mean he deserved that much.”

“And how did he take it?”

She winced. “He was pissed off. He’s more angry at Pat then me. He said he’s known that Pat had feelings for me and was pissed off that he’d take ‘advantage’ of me when I was ‘vulnerable’. I told him why it happened and I guess he just felt guilty for pushing me away.”

“Well I guess it’s a good sign that he’s willing to fix things, huh?” I nodded. “I mean, he could have just-“

“There’s not a lot to salvage,” she murmured, keeping her voice down. That stopped me. “I’m not that sure what’s going to happen.”

“You have to stay positive,” I pushed, not wanting to accept their reality.

“Enough about us though, I haven’t spoken to you in ages and you haven’t been answering my calls,” she whispered, pulling me closer. “Garrett told me what happened on Tuesday!”

I sighed and nodded. “I’ve been caught up. It’s been…god I don’t even know.”

She pulled me in for a hug. “I don’t want you to start crying so I won’t push you to talk about it right now, babe. We’re going to catch up and you’re going to tell me all about this as soon as you get a spare minute, you understand?”

I nodded. “Definitely. I’m going to need someone when John goes to rehab after Christmas.”

Her eyes widened. “Shit, really?”

“He needs this. We both do.” I explained as I pulled away.

She nodded. “I’m glad to hear that then.”

“Me too to be honest,” I murmured, nodding slowly as I looked over at him. “It’s like a weight has been lifted off our shoulders, even though we’ve got a long way to go, y’know?”

“Lots of things to discuss,” she agreed, her eyes dropping to my hands. “Like the ring?”

I cringed. We hadn’t yet brought up the ring. It was a work in progress but every time we were alone I felt like it was a rising topic. “Yeah he wears it on a chain around his neck now. I don’t like it but…I cant ask him not to wear it. I don’t want him to get hurt…again. God I can’t believe I didn’t know it was an engagement ring.” I sighed.

She gave me a sympathetic look. “You weren’t in the right mind frame. He should’ve known not to ask at that time. It was out of your hands, Lei.”

“Literally,” I mused, looking down at my bare hands. I kind of missed the ring, it was absolutely gorgeous.

“Tate,” Garrett called. “We gotta get going.”

She looked over at him and nodded before turning back to me and pulling me into a hug. “I’ll see you at work on Friday?”

I nodded, hugging her back. “Seeya babe. Take care.”

“Will do, you too.”

We said our goodbyes before getting into the truck. I turned to John and kissed him on the cheek.

“We going home now?” He asked hopefully.

I bit my lip and shook my head. “I’m driving us to your parents,” I said softly.

His eyes widened and I could almost hear his heart pounding. “Leighton, no.”

“Babe you have to tell them. You can’t just ignore them.” I sighed, leaning back into the drivers’ seat. “I’m going to support you but you have to do this.”

He sighed deeply, closing his eyes. “I hate being like this.”

“Like what?” I mumbled, running my hand through his hair.

“A fucking pussy? I shouldn’t be going to rehab because some creep fucking touched me. The whole depression thing took over my life and I let it. I should be touring right now, in a stable enough position to marry you, making you fucking happy…” he trailed off, staring out of the windscreen.

I took that opportunity to start the drive to his parents’ house. “You feel emasculated?” I mused. He hated making a big deal over things.

He nodded. “I was single for so long I just…never realised how emotionally involved I had to be in a relationship. Then the depression went and amplified it and I was constantly depending on you whilst treating you like shit. I’ve never had any type of balance in my life and now you’re paying for it.”

I reached between us to hold his hand. “I love you.”

He lifted our hands between us and kissed the back of my hand. “Love you too.”

***

“I can’t do this,” He mumbled, as we sat in his truck.

“Yes you can John, and you will,” I said firmly, knowing it was the only way to motivate him. I turned to him. “I have faith in you.”

He looked at me briefly. “You don’t have to be here for this,” he sighed. “You shouldn’t have to go through this just because of me.”

I took a deep breath before reaching out and lifting the chain over his head before replacing it over mine. “I said we were in this together.” I murmured.

He looked at the ring around my neck. “What…I thought you hated it.”

“I don’t hate it, it just made me uncomfortable because it was a reminder of a bad place we were in. But I’m looking at it differently now,” I mumbled, unlocking things in my head I didn’t previously know were there. “You’re committed to me, so this is me being committed to you. A relationship isn’t easy when one of us is constantly hurting and the fact that you still wanted to marry me and make me happy even though you weren’t is admirable, babe. It takes a lot of strength to do that. So this is how I’m showing my appreciation.”

“For what?” He frowned.

“For you.”

He kissed me passionately before getting out of the truck and we headed up to the front porch. I kissed him on the cheek before knocking on the door. He turned to me, biting on his lip nervously. By the time we were out of here, you’d be able to put a piercing through his lip.

The door opened and Jenny beamed when she saw me, but her smile faltered when her eyes fell on John. She glanced quickly at my stomach before looking at us.

“Are you two coming in do you have emancipation papers with you?” She asked, raising an eyebrow at John.

His eyes filled with tears before he engulfed her in a hug. I heard him sniffling as he held her and it broke my heart. “I’m s-so s-sorry,” he whimpered.

She rubbed his back soothingly. I can only imagine she wished he was twenty years younger and crying over an injury from little league, rather than a condition she could do nothing about. “Oh baby boy,” she cooed.

I looked up as Jay walked up behind them, sending me a confused look. I stepped around John and Jenny and followed him into the kitchen.

“I’m surprised to see him here,” Jay mused as he turned on the kettle. It was weird seeing one of those after John and I had been living off of our coffee machine for the past…well ever since we moved in together. “I have mixed feelings about him being in our house.”

Eight months ago, he wouldn’t have meant ‘our’ house excluding John. I guess he just didn’t approve of the way John was speaking to his mother.

“He has a few things he needs to tell you guys,” I said softly, trying not to get emotional. “It’s going to be hard to take, but you guys have to know. He needs you guys.”

“One of those things better be an apology to his mother.” Jay mused. “Tea?”

“Yes please,” I murmured. “I really hope so, because he said some things ‘on my behalf’ that really shocked me.”

“Ah, something along the lines of not inviting his mother to the wedding?” Jay asked, his eyes on the ring around my neck.

I winced. “That’s complicated- we were never engaged, for the record.”

“I find that somewhat comforting.”

“Jay, would you make us all a cup of tea and join us in the living room?” Jenny said as she stood in the door way. “Leighton, you too sweetheart.”

I nodded and headed on through, greeting Jenny in a hug. “I’m so sorry about-“

“Don’t sweetheart, I want to hear what my son has to say.” She murmured. “It’s good to see you two here together.”

“It’s good to be here,” I responded. “the circumstances aren’t great, but it feels good to finally be back here with John.”

“It does Leighton, Shane is out for the week and Ross has gone back home so I’m thankful I have at least one of my sons home.” She murmured.

I looked over her shoulder at John, who sat on the couch, his head in his hands. He was nervous. “I’m going to…comfort him, what he’s about to tell you is…hard for him to say.”’

A worried expression crossed her features. “Jay! Hurry with that tea, dear!”

I walked into the living room and sat beside John, draping my arms around him. “You doing okay, bub?”

He looked up at me, stressed. “Not really.”

“Now are you two going to tell us why you’re really here?” Jenny asked as her and John’s father walked into the room, carrying two mugs each. They placed two in front of John and myself but we didn’t touch them. He gripped my hand tightly in his lap and sat forward.

“I…don’t have depression,” John mumbled, staring at the steaming mug in front of him.

“Is that so?” Jay scoffed, sitting back with crossed arms.

Jenny smacked him across the chest. “Let him speak- John dear, I don’t understand.”

He looked at me, then back to his feet.

“John was misdiagnosed because he was keeping something from his doctor. He has post-traumatic stress disorder.” I explained.

Jay frowned. “What? How?”

I looked at John. It was all him.

He leaned forward on his knees and lifted our hands to his lips. “I…I don’t want you guys to think of me differently.”

“We won’t sweetheart,” Jenny sighed, “we loved you, whatever this is.”

“I…” he took a deep breath so I squeezed his hand. He leant over and kissed me on the cheek. “I was abused as a child…sexually. It was my piano teacher, Mr. Loyntz. When I was seven; he used to touch me during our lessons.” He said slowly.

I looked up and kissed his temple before turning to Jenny and Jay. Jenny covered her mouth, tears springing to her eyes as the realization set in. I assume nobody wants to hear that their first born was…touched by some dirty old (well, he wasn’t that old to be honest) guy that you paid- imagine that, paying someone to touch your son-

“Oh my gosh, John,” she gasped, gripping Jay’s hand. “Baby boy…my baby,” that was before she burst into tears.

John let out a shaky sigh before leaning back into the couch, suddenly looking so small in his army print jacket. He tried to pull his beanie over his face but I pushed it back.

“John,” I murmured.

“Why didn’t you ever tell us?” Jay asked quietly, clearly shocked. I could see how strong he was trying to be for Jenny and it broke my heart to see her so distraught.

“I tried to ignore it for so long. I felt…like a disappointment.” John mumbled- “I can’t talk about this right now because I haven’t spoken with my therapist properly…” he sighed. “I’m not ready, I’m sorry-“

Jenny stood and pulled him into her arms, crying on his shoulder.

“Ma don’t do this,” he whimpered.

“I can’t believe you were hurt for so long,” She sniffed, pulling back and caressing his cheek. “Oh sweetheart, is that why you hit your brother?”

John winced but nodded. “I’ll talk to him and Ross about it, explain everything.”

“If you don’t want them to know it’s okay. I know there must be the certain things you wish to keep to yourself or between us and we respect that sweets.”

I think the pet name threw him off because he hadn’t heard it in a long time. All I know is that by the end of our session, nobody had dry eyes.

***

John and I ended up staying the night, I spoke to his dad about the rehab facility and we discussed the financial side of things while John laid with his head in his mothers’ lap as they watched some show on HBO.

Jay had made the decision to attach John and myself to the family account. I was confused as to why he attached me and asked him for an explanation.

“Because without you my son wouldn’t be alive right now. There isn’t a way possible for me to thank you.”

That broke my heart. I’d always had a soft spot for Jenny and Jay and I really hoped that one day I’d be able to share their last name. Leighton O’Callaghan…I think it has a ring to it.

JOHN’S POV

“And Lei’s gonna see me every week, and we’re going to do couple counselling too.” I explained to my mom as we lounged on the couch. I missed her. I missed my dad and I missed this house.

“I’m proud of you, sweets. I really am.” She sighed, running her hand through my hair like she used to when I was younger. She did it the way Leighton did, and it was soothing. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that alone. My poor baby.”

“Ma, don’t cry again…” I whined, patting her knee. “I’m gonna…I’m gonna get better.”

“You make sure of it, you understand?” She sniffed, “I want to see you happy.”

“I will be, eventually.”

“And I want grandkids,”

I scoffed, “Ma…that’s a long way off.”

“I thought you were going to tell us you were engaged when I saw that ring around Leighton’s neck.” She admitted.

I shrugged. “It’s not like that. It’s her showing her commitment. I proposed to her but she freaked out so I lied and said it wasn’t an engagement ring. Then I showed up at her office drunk and admitted it in front of her staff. She gave it back to me.” I explained, ashamed.

“John Cornelius…” she scolded, hitting me over the head.

I sat up and glared at her, before calming myself down. “I’m doing a program for my drinking, ma.”

She sighed. “Treat her well, you hear me? Because if you two split up you’re going to have a hard time seeing her when you come home. I’ll make her marry Shane if I have to.”

“You guys really love her, huh?” I nodded, looking over at her as she hugged my dad. Family was a big thing to me so seeing her get on so well with my parents meant a lot.

“Yes I do, and I’m on perfect terms with her mother and father. They’re such lovely people.” She said. “So don’t screw this up, you terror.”

I raised an eyebrow. “I’m wounded and you call me a terror? Thanks mom.” I smirked.

She rolled her eyes at me. “I love you, hun. I hope you didn’t forget that.”

“I didn’t,” I sighed, hugging her. “Love you too mom.”

***

That night we lay awake in the guest room in John’s parents’ house. Tomorrow we were going to lunch with Jac and Eric after taking John’s parents out for breakfast. Ross was going to drive up with his son and fiancé and John and I wanted to see them. Shane was even calling back home for the occasion. John had decided to tell Ross, but talk to Shane about it when he was older, saying as a teenager, it’d be hard to understand. I agreed with his decision and thought it was very mature of him.

We were planning on seeing Jac and Eric because Eric wanted to talk to John and they were our closest couple friends and we talked about a lot of things together. I knew Eric was just worrying about his best friend and I honestly didn’t blame him. It was going to be a busy day because that night we were going to Tim and Ashley’s so John could tell him and the guys about his rehab plan.
I can only imagine how exhausted he was going to be tomorrow night. Not to mention upcoming Christmas plans. That was only adding to the stress and frustration.

I felt John’s lips on the back of my neck as he laid behind me in the dark. I turned around and connected mine with his. “I’m so proud of you.” I murmured. I’d decided I needed to show him how proud I was a lot more often, by simple phrases and words of encouragement.
I mean, making out wouldn’t hurt. Especially with his hands on my hips like that. He pulled me on top of him, groaning in pleasure as I kissed behind his ear.

“Lei…” his voice wavered in levels of pleasure.

“Yeah?” I murmured, teasing him as I played with the drawstring on his sweat pants. He usually kept clothes at his parents in case for nights like these. The staying over part, not the…other part.

“Lei…” He groaned.

We heard a bang on the wall and my eyes widened. I covered my mouth as he pulled me down beside him trying not to laugh. “John!” I hissed. “They think-“

“Screw it, they’ve heard it all before.”