Don't Give Up (On Me)

Sitting across from him at the kitchen table was somewhat daunting.

“I don’t want you to ask me to talk to you anymore,” he mumbled, one hand on the table and another in his lap. “If I’m seeing a therapist I don’t need to talk to you about this stupid depression thing.”

“It’s not stupid.”

“It is to me. To me, this is just something getting in the way of my creative process. It’s putting me off writing.”

“Well when you throw your drink at me and treat me like crap in front of all of our friends, it’s not stupid to me, John.” I said firmly, not letting him take control of this conversation. Now it was my turn to take control.

He reached across the table and took my hands in his. When I involuntarily flinched, he just gripped my hands tighter.
Passionately; not aggressively.

“You know that I didn’t mean that, baby. I love you, and I wouldn’t ever hurt you. I was drunk, and upset, and frustrated- I feel like such an asshole for doing that to you, and for doing that in front of everyone, and-“

“Take a breath, John.” I sighed, letting go of his hands and running one through my hair. “Talking to a therapist might help you, but you not talking to me isn’t going to help us, don’t you see that?”

“I don’t…I don’t want you to have all my problems,” he spoke up, sitting back in his chair.

“Well too bad, you have all of mine, I’m taking yours too.”

“You really meant it, huh?”

“Meant what?” I frowned in confusion.

“All in.”


***

Friday morning.
Things were much better between us. We talked Tuesday night, he apologized, I apologized and we made a deal to talk to each more, but I had to respect his limits, and the fact that I wasn’t going to hear what his therapist was going to hear.

We were okay.

Wednesday went quickly, as our stock was shipped in and we began sorting orders for packaging today. Thursday we didn’t work, as usual, and me and John laid in bed for most of the day, going for a walk later on to grab something for dinner.
I’d been debating whether or not to tell John about Pat and Tate, but the guilt of knowing stopped me every time. I put it down to the fact that I didn’t think he’d be able to handle it. He should focus on himself before anyone else right now.

He dropped me off this morning, because from the warehouse he was going straight to his first appointment with his therapist. I was nervous for him, because I knew he was nervous, I could feel it on him. Whenever he gets really nervous or anxious for something, if I’m near he’ll try to distract himself with me. He’ll talk to me about something really random, or he’ll start making out with me, or he’ll just hug me.

This morning he was teasing me with his lips. I almost called in sick, in order to go home with my…sick…boyfriend. He was good at distracting me, that’s for sure.

We eventually parted ways, and I went to work, where I was now, internally fretting about John’s
appointment and externally fretting about the merch orders.

“The Lost Girls!”

I looked up at Elijah’s outburst. “What?”

“Name for the sister line, The Lost Girls,” he suggested, dropping a shirt onto another order. We’d set up all of the orders on the ground, so now we were filling them, hopping and jumping around hoodies, shirts, accessories and more.

“Oh wow, genius.” Tate scoffed, “because we totally haven’t thought of that yet, thanks Eli.”

I shoved her as I walked past, dropping t-shirts onto their respective recipients. “Shut up, Tate. We’ve looked at that idea already. It’s not original enough. Tim said we may as well combine both and make it the Lost Kids or something.” I explained, because unlike Tate, I felt ideas shouldn’t just be shot down, but explained as to why they wouldn’t work.

“That’s true,” Elijah nodded, before going back to work, “what about ‘Tate’s a Stuck Up Bitch’.”

The warehouse went silent and I closed my eyes in frustration. I thought he could be the bigger person, but I guess not.

“If you retaliate Tate, I will fire the both of you,” I threatened, both of them knowing I didn’t have the power to fire them. That was Tim’s job, but they knew I could swing him easily.

“Looks like we’re down two members,” Jack retorted sarcastically.

A bunch of children, seriously.

“Jack,” Layla scolded, shoving him. She sent him a look before turning away, a smile spreading across her lips. Okay now I was beginning to believe Elijah’s conspiracy. Were they hooking up? I mean it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing if they were seeing each other; they were both single and deserved to be happy at least. If being with each other made them happy-

Now I was beginning to sound like a relationship therapist.

When it hit five, I retreated to my office and began work on the new line. I couldn’t think of any sort of idea for a name, and it was starting to nauseate me. This line was important to me because it was my own. It wasn’t just an apparel of band merchandise, it was an expression of the girls that were lost in life, diagnosed with wanderlust; the desire to escape.
Not a personal expression obviously.

Well, anymore.

When we first got together (and basically up until the depression) me and John were extremely contagious with wanderlust. We’d got out almost every free weekend, just looking for a spontaneous adventure. We’d camped out in the California Desert a month after getting together. He said one day he’d get married out there.

I’d thought about taking him out to the Cali Desert for his birthday, but it was too far and we wouldn’t make it back in time the following Monday, and if we did, it’d make the trip too short over the weekend. I settled for camping in the Arizona desert instead. We could even sleep in the bed of his truck if we wanted. Well if he wanted. That’s if I could get him out for the few days, in hopes he wouldn’t shut me down and say no. I could really use this trip too.
See how easy it is for me to start thinking about him?

***

“Leighton!”

My head shot up immediately as I heard my name being called. I forgot I was sitting under my desk and smacked my head on the underside. “Shit!” I groaned, rubbing my head.

Layla came into view with a giggle. “Sorry, it’s like six, babe. We’re all heading off.”

“You heading off with Jack?” I asked subtly, slowly looking up at Layla, who blushed.

“He’s dropping me home, my cars’ in the shop,” she insisted.

“Oh you have a thing with Jack?” John asked.

“No!”

Wait, what?

I crawled out from under my desk to see John standing there with a bag of Chinese take away. “Hey babe,” I greeted, my mood lifting like, one hundred percent.

“Hey sweet ‘art,” he chuckled, “I didn’t know Lay-Lay and Jay-Jay were a thing now.” He smirked teasingly.

“We are not!” She hissed, shoving him as she made her way to the door. “Your boyfriend is dumb, Leighton.”

“I know,” I nodded, a smirk playing on my own lips. “I know that.”

John sent me a pout, along with puppy dog eyes. “Shall I just go home with all this food?”

“No!” I whined, sitting back against the desk. “I’ve still got some stuff to finish off and I want some eye candy.”

“Okay ew, I’m leaving,” Layla scoffed, “Just…make sure no one walks in, like last time-“

“Okay you were leaving, right?” John blushed, steering Layla to the door. “Bye babe!”

I let out a laugh as Layla waved us off with an eye roll before John shut the door behind her, a smile spreading across his lips; a smile I hadn’t seen in a long time. A smile I hadn’t felt against my skin in a long time-

Alright I think you get it.

“This is a nice surprise,” I commented, as he sat down on the floor in front of me, stretching his long legs around me.

“Thought I’d surprise you,” he shrugged nonchalantly, and although I could see his mood was significantly brighter, there would always be that underlying depression following. “We uh…we’ve been kind of tense lately, and I know a lot of that is on me, but I just…I just want things to be okay between us, y’know?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, watching him take out the two cartons, before handing me mine. I know it’s bad, but sometimes I paid close attention to his arms and wrists for any physical evidence I didn’t really want to see. “That’s what they mean about lifestyle changes, y’know? Oh speaking of which, how did your session go?” I asked with anticipation.

He winced. “Not that great- I know that I have to talk more, but starting is just the hardest part. I don’t know why I’m like this.” He mumbled the last part, his grip tightening on his plastic fork- he hated chopsticks- as he looked down, almost ashamed.

I reached out and touched his arm affectionately. “Baby…”

“Let’s talk about something else,” he shook his head, changing the topic. It kind of dawned on me that he didn’t like me seeing him as weakness. What Jared had said earlier was coming back to me.

“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel weak,”

“Y’know when you were away,” I began, cutting into whatever he was talking about that I wasn’t listening to. “At night, I thought I heard something, like every night, and usually when you’re home, I can just ignore it, but I couldn’t, because you were gone and-“

“That tapping noise? Like it’s coming from the roof?” He asked, looking up at me.

I nodded. Truth is, it didn’t really scare me. “It freaks me out,”

“Babe it’s just the stupid gutter thing,” he chuckled, “there’s no need to be freaked out, it’s just a broken pipe- I actually called a guy to come fix it, he’ll come by on Monday.”

“Oh…still, I feel better knowing you’re home. It’s easier for me to get to sleep at night.”

I saw the left side of his mouth twitch into a smile as he looked back down at his food. I maneuvered my own to eat some of my dinner.

“Yeah?”

“Mmhmm,” I nodded with a small smile, “you don’t really notice how much you depend on someone until they’re not there.”

“Oh god I know, like all these basic things you do for me, I don’t notice until I’m on tour away from you. Babe, don’t ever stop doing the washing, you rock at it-“

“You’re such a dork,” I laughed, lifting a piece of pork with my chopsticks and feeding it to him. He over reacted; gobbling it up and attempting to bite my fingers. “John!”

He shut me up with a kiss, and I could taste the sauce on his lips. “I missed you,”

Little things like that kind of made me forget about the shitty parts of his mood swings.

I kissed him back, before returning to my food. “I missed you too. That was a really long tour.”

“I know, but at the same time it was so good to be out there,” he sighed, “we hadn’t played a show out of state for almost two months.”

Yeah, but you were away from me for four.

“It’s one of my biggest loves, y’know?”

I nodded, swallowing my pride. “Yeah of course.”

“And then coming home to you,” he smirked, putting down his food for a final time before closing the carton and slipping into the bag that he pushed to the side. “Well God, that’s the best part.”

I blushed, looking down at my own almost empty carton. “Stop being so cheesy-“

“You mean honest,” he smirked, taking my carton and putting it with his. “I’m not a liar, babe.”
No, he’d told me the truth on many counts before, no matter how much it hurt me.
He moved up onto his hands and knees in order to kiss me properly. I cupped his face with my hands, pulling him closer. “I definitely missed this on tour.”

“I hope so,” I teased, poking him in the shoulder before resting my hands on his hips. “How about we go home and you let me fix your nails, huh?”

“Is that code for se-“

I shot him a look and he stopped, pouting at me instead. “I mean maybe we could make out…” I shrugged teasingly.

“That sounds just as good,” he winked, before jumping up from the ground and pulling me with him.

This new mood he’d fallen into was addicting, so I packed up my things and we were quick to leave. I don’t know how long this mood would last but right now, I didn’t care. Only I knew it would come back to bite me in the ass when he turned on me, once more.

The whole drive home he held my hand, caressing it softly. I missed this affectionate side of him, because it wasn’t around as much as it used to be. It was hidden behind this ‘strong’ alter ego, this guy that would no longer let me in, this bulletproof exterior that only broke through physical aggression- it’s like he was a teenager, because teenagers always thought they were invincible, no matter what.

“So when’s your next session?” I asked carefully. I figured it was an alright topic to discuss now.

“Tuesday.” He answered simply, indicating that it was no longer a topic we could discuss.

I tried not to let out one of those disappointed sighs, because I didn’t want to push him away. But I’m not going to lie. I was disappointed that he wasn’t going to tell me more about it. But then again, he told me at the start that he didn’t want me to ask anymore. I couldn’t sit to the side and just watch him deteriorate- what kind of girlfriend does that? I’m not that kind of girlfriend.

“You gonna make more of an effort this time?” I asked lightly. I wasn’t trying to daunt him, I just wanted to make sure he was on a productive path.

He looked at me, sending me a ‘don’t push it’ kind of look. “Leighton…” He warned.

“You have to talk to me, John.” I sighed, sitting back in the passenger seat.

“Not right now, I’m trying to drive.”

I decided to leave it at that. Things with us right now were all over the place- you know when you’re fighting with someone, and you’ve been fighting for ages you no longer know what you’re supposed to be fighting about? Yeah, that’s basically what we felt like, or our relationship felt like, if you could even call it that any more. He barely felt like my boyfriend, apart from the kissing and stuff, he was basically an acquaintance to me, and I hated that.

We got home a few minutes later and he surprised me with chivalry, opening and closing doors for me and what not. Things felt like they were okay so I decided to bring up the idea of his birthday and what I was planning in my mind, I mean, it was only next Thursday and things were beginning to look pretty good with us…sort of.

“Hey John?” I asked, as I set my bag down on the kitchen table. We had a great kitchen, big and spacious, lots of room, and it was open to our back deck and then to a living room, even though we had a closed off living room. It was a cheap house on the market, we got it for much less then it was really worth.

“Mm?” He mused, looking up at me before returning to the pills in front of him, reading the label. He wasn’t supposed to start them until next Monday, and I’d know if he did because the bottle was sealed.

“So it’s your birthday next Thursday…” I began slowly, walking over to him.

He looked over at me with a small smile. For a second I couldn’t even see the pills in his hand. “It is,” he chuckled, putting them down on the bench and welcoming me into his arms.

“And,” I began, wrapping my arms around his neck. “I was thinking about taking you somewhere.”

“Oh really?” He asked cutely, raising an eyebrow.

I nodded with a giggle –he turned me into the girliest of girls, I swear- “How about we camp out in the desert?”

A look of surprised became his new expression, but good surprise. “Camp out in the desert…” he mumbled, pondering over the thought. “That’s not a bad idea.”

“I thought you’d like it,” I smiled, “we could pitch a teepee, considering we don’t have a tent or whatever-“

“You mean, be Indians?” he smirked, reliving our past.

My heart literally skipped a beat that he remembered that far back. When we first started dating, we went out to the desert one night, I went dressed as an Indian and he was dressed as a cowboy, (this was the same time he said he’d get married out there) and we slept under the stars beside a fire…it was really nice, but we hadn’t been able to go back for a while. I’m sure I still had those costumes somewhere…

“I know how jealous you got over my headdress,” I teased, poking his chest, “we could both be Indians if you wanted?”

“I was only jealous because it was too soon for me to make a move on you,” he smirked, kissing my cheek. “This time, expect this Indian to make a move on you.” He murmured in my ear.

I blushed, looking away as I felt his hands rest on my waist underneath my shirt. “So does that sound like a good idea?” I asked hopefully, “Like, just for the night? I was thinking Saturday night, come back Sunday morning and stop at the roadhouse for breakfast on the way back.” I shrugged, looking up at him, relieved to see him still smiling.

“That sounds like a perfect twenty fifth birthday.” He finished, kissing me on the nose. I swear to God, he was killing me with cuteness. “God that’s so old, huh?”

“What can I say? I like older men.” I teased, wrapping my arms around his neck. “Now what do you say we put a movie on and you let me fix your nails?”

“Sounds good to me,” he agreed, kissing me once more before letting go. “I’ll grab us something to eat.” He said as I left the room.

“We just ate dinner!” I called back as I headed for the stairs.

“Yeah but you bought candy last week and we never ate it!”

Alright well if you put it that way.

***

“Bullshit.”

I nodded my head, sitting back in my chair as I lifted my coffee to my lips. Jac had met me at a local Starbucks because John and Eric were in some music store down the street looking at guitars. John was looking for a new acoustic, as the guys had an in-store on Tuesday and he was in need of a new ‘baby’. I on the other hand, had pondered the thought of telling Jac about Tate and Pat considering I couldn’t tell John, and I know anyone at the office would accidentally give it away. “I wouldn’t lie, that’s what the message said.”

“Oh my god, seriously?” She frowned, “I can’t believe she would do that to him. That’s low.”

“I know,” I mumbled, “I’ve known her longer than I’ve known you, y’know what I mean? If something was going down with her and Garrett that pushed her to best friend, I figured she’d tell me.”

Wow, it wasn’t just John that couldn’t trust me anymore.

Jac sent me a look. “If you started cheating on John with his best friend, would you tell me?” She tested.

I frowned. “Well no, because you’re dating his best friend.”

“Oh right,” she blushed, rolling her eyes as she took a sip of her banana smoothie. “Well I mean…if Jared didn’t have a girlfriend, would you tell me you slept with him?”

“Probably,” I nodded, “the guilt would override me and I’d have to.”

“Well you see there’s the thing,” Jac nodded, “Tate obviously doesn’t feel guilty; maybe Garrett knows.”

I frowned at the possibility. “As if; he’d never stay with someone that was cheating on him.”

“No, but maybe it’s not cheating in their books,” she explained, “maybe, maybe they’re in a non-monogamous relationship.”

I shook my head in disbelief. “No way, even if they were Garrett wouldn’t let his best friend hook up with his girlfriend. I mean I love you, but I wouldn’t let you hook up with John.”

“Well that’s a shame,”

I jumped from John’s voice behind me, and I blushed as I turned in my seat.

“I was looking forward to that, Jac.” John sighed dramatically as he slipped on to the chair beside me.

“Again? You’re tiring me out, O’Callaghan,” she chuckled jokingly.

“Not even slightly funny,” Eric pouted, sitting beside her. “You don’t want that gangly dude in bed, he has a tummy like Iggy Pop.”

“I do not,” John scoffed, taking a sip of my coffee before sliding it back over to me. I forgot that he used to do things like that. I guess it only shows how long it’s been since I’ve seen a good mood John.

“So anyway,” Jac began, dismissing our conversation in front of the boys. “It’s your birthday next week, old guy.”

“Dude you’re turning twenty-five, finally catching up with me,” Eric teased as he sat back, draping his arm around Jac’s shoulders.

“Oh shut up, you’re only a few months older than me,” John scoffed, rolling his eyes playfully.

“Douchebag, I’m still older than you.” Eric snorted back.

“Can you guys not bicker?” Jac muttered, taking a long sip of her smoothie. “What are you doing for your birthday?”

“Me and Leighton are camping out in the desert.” John explained with a small smile. “Saturday night through to Sunday morning.”

“Aw that’s nice,” Jac cooed, nudging me with her foot under the table. “Are you guys gonna dress up as cowboys and Indians again?” she teased.

I remember when I told her that, I told her to keep it to herself. Funny how that part was forgotten. I blushed, as did John and we looked at each other at the same time.

“Oh my god, you guys are such a cliché.” Eric laughed.

John rolled his eyes. “We don’t dress up- we sit around a campfire- it’s a whole lot more fun than going to Vegas like we did for your birthday.” John insisted.

“As if,” Eric smirked, “anyway, what is there to do in the desert besides…what you said earlier?”

I looked up at John. “What did you say earlier?” I asked curiously.

“Nothin’,” John shook his head quickly, shooting him a look.

Jac sent me a smirk but I sent her a glare. Stupid boys and their stupid boy talk, thinking they had girls wrapped around their little fingers…I mean…I was…I wasn’t…anyway, if John had sex planned for the weekend, it worried me slightly. I mean after what happened last week, I didn’t want him to end up feeling like shit on his birthday. Of course I was dying for that too, but if it was going to hurt his confidence and push him down further, I didn’t to risk it. By the time the trip rolled around, he’d be back on medication, and I didn’t know if that meant that particular side effect would become active. I mean what was I supposed to do, become a porn star?
Okay, just…no.

***

We left Starbucks at around lunch time, as Eric and Jac were going to her parents’ house that afternoon. John had purchased a guitar that was going to be delivered through the following week, and I had made plans with…believe it or not, Tate. She was going to come round and we were going to work on the direction of the new label and the name and all that, which was fine, it was needed, but knowing this new information about her and Pat, it kind of threw me off being able to trust her and everything and I didn’t want that to affect our work ethics.

I was just going to have to ignore it.

Well that is, until she showed up in tears, clutching her file to her chest. When I answered the door (John was upstairs sleeping or writing or something), she was barely keeping herself together and I couldn’t help but wonder if Garrett had found out and they’d broken up.

“Oh my god, Tate what’s wrong?” I asked, letting her in.

“Nothing,” she mumbled, “I’m fine.” She insisted as she ran a hand through her hair, following me through to the kitchen.

“Bullshit,” I scoffed, flick on the kettle. “Now tell me what happened.”

“I just…me and Garrett had an argument.” She said briefly, waving it off quickly. “Don’t worry about it.”

We leant against the kitchen bench quietly as the kettle boiled, a million questions going through my mind. Majority of them too insensitive to ask, so I bit them back. But…I mean, I was a girl, I couldn’t bite my tongue for that long.

“You wanna talk about it?” I asked gently, looking over at her. “I mean, me and John fight almost every day, you’re pretty much preaching to the choir.”

She stifled a laugh, wiping her eyes. It was pushed and we both knew it. “It’s stupid…it’s really stupid.”

“It can’t be if it’s got you in tears, Tate.” I pouted, wrapping my arms around her. At the end of the day, she was one of my best friends, and I always supported my best friends. It was habit out of living with my bestest friend.

“He’s just so insensitive sometimes,” she whimpered into my shoulder, “I mean, I was late, I thought I was pregnant and I was freaking out, y’know? I mean you’d freak out if you thought you were pregnant, right?”

“God yeah,” I scoffed, which was probably a little hard on John.

“So when I told him, he thought I was being ‘a girl’ about it-I mean excuse me, I don’t know if he’s noticed, but I am girl,” she scoffed, pulling back, “so I went to Pat and we had this long conversation a few nights ago, and he made me feel a whole lot better about it, so when we went into it today, he went off at me that I went to Pat about it.”

Oh, so that explained the text message. He was just being playful about their night where they had a conversation, not…an affair. God of course she wouldn’t do that to Garrett, that’s insane. I felt guilty for even thinking that, and putting those ideas in Jac’s head.

“Wow,” I exhaled; unaware I was holding my breath. “Maybe Garrett just felt useless that you went to Pat, maybe he felt regret, and that he failed to support you through that,” I suggested, “I mean guys make mistakes, y’know? Pat’s a really sensitive guy so of course he would’ve dealt with it better, plus; he’s your best friend, he knows what to say.”

“That’s true,” she nodded thoughtfully.

“But,” I cut in, advocating for Garrett, “Garrett may have a point; he’s your boyfriend and this is a boyfriend matter, not a best friend matter, y’know?”

“Yeah…” she mumbled, as if she had other thoughts.

“Tate,” I sighed, pushing off of the bench to make our coffees. “He might be insecure about you sharing your relationship problems with other people.”

“But he knows that I tell Pat everything.” She sighed.

“Maybe you should think about pulling back a little.” I shrugged lightly as I grabbed the milk from the fridge, sending her a look. “He should be your number one, not your number two, and right now, he probably feels like your number two.”

“Of course he’s my number one,” She scoffed, sitting down at the kitchen bench. “He fucking knows
that and I wish he didn’t because he holds it over me.”

I looked at her over my shoulder as I mixed our coffees. “What do you mean?”

“He’s kind of controlling sometimes,” she mumbled, playing with her hands. “Pat gives me more freedom, if that makes sense.”

“Why does Pat seem to keep coming into everything?” I mumbled, not meaning to even breathe a word of that sentence into the universe.

She looked stumped at that question, shrugging at me. “He’s…I depend on him a lot, okay?” She admitted, nodding a silent thanks as I handed her a coffee before sitting beside her and flipping through her file. I really needed to stop drinking so much coffee. “I know I shouldn’t, but I trust him with my life, I trust him more than I trust Garrett, and I’m learning to reverse that, I am, but he’s making it extremely hard.”

I stopped flicking through the file and looked back at her. “Would you just tell me in black and white?”

“Garrett doesn’t understand me as well as Pat does- I mean Garrett’s my everything, okay? He’s my freakin’ world and I love him so much, but there’s times when he doesn’t know what to say, and he just makes me feel worse about a situation. Pat never messes it up, and he’s only my best friend; doesn’t that say something?” She asked in confusion.

I furrowed my eyebrows, mirroring her confusion. I thought she didn’t have a thing with him? “Like what? That you’re better off in a relationship with Pat than Garrett?”

Her eyes widened and she shook her head. “No! God no, he’s my best friend, Lei. No way, I wouldn’t leave Garrett at all, I’m just…confused…he always seems so focused on something else. It’s like he’s not putting enough effort into us and that’s okay with him.” She shrugged.

“It could be the band stuff,” I suggested, “John needs the music and the band in order to avoid the incident six months ago,” I explained slowly, trying to relieve her of all of these issues with Garrett. I didn’t realize their problem was so intricate and complex. “Maybe Garrett is dependent on that like you’re dependent on Pat. Maybe Garrett needs Pat more than you do right now, so maybe you should-“

“Give his best friend back?” She mumbled.

I shrugged. “Basically.”

“But I knew him first-“

I cut her off with a look, giving her my last words of advice. God knows they’d been cutting through my mind the last eight months.

“You do these things for the people you love.”