Don't Give Up (On Me)

Hell.

Living with John was absolute hell.

“I told you to give me all the whites!” I yelled from our bathroom, reaching down and grabbing three of his white shirts from the floor.

I didn’t get why he just ignored me like that, he didn’t even respond. I’d told him that morning that I was putting the whites on and he’d told me that he didn’t have any. He’d locked himself up in that music room ever since we got back yesterday morning. He didn’t even eat dinner last night and I don’t think it was because of the weight thing.

His mom calling him was a trigger to his bad mood. He didn’t even pick up the phone but the wound had been picked enough. I just couldn’t wait until he went to his therapy session on Wednesday, in hopes he would finally start talking about this issue.

But right now, I wanted to throttle him.

Again, no response. So, I stormed down the hall to the music room, where I heard noise and talking, and without even knocking I pushed the door open (quite angrily).

John looked up, as did Jared and Kennedy. “What?”

What?

I frowned, glaring at him. “Why are you ignoring me?!”

“Give me a break, Leighton,” he sighed, turning back to the notebook in front of him.

Kennedy and Jared sat awkwardly with their guitars, giving me a subtle wave when John wasn’t looking. I don’t know what time they got here, I just know that sub-consciously they’d been fueling
John’s hermit lifestyle.

“No, I’m not going to give you a break.” I snapped, leaning against the door frame. “Did you take your medication this morning?”

He hated it when I’d ask him that in front of people, and he knew I knew that. So, he ignored me once more.

“Answer me,”

“Go away,” he threw back. “Can’t you see we’re trying to write?”

“Can’t you see that I asked you hours ago if you had and clothes and you said you didn’t, even though you did? Can’t you see that I’m pissed off at you?” I scoffed, crossing my arms.

“For making an honest mistake?” He scoffed, not bothering to look up at me. “Stop being a bitch.”

The guys seemed shocked at that name, but I wasn’t fazed one little bit.

“Stop being a pretentious whining asshole and call your mom.” I shot back venomously before walking out, not bothering to close the door behind me. I didn’t make it halfway down the hall before

I was pushed against the wall by the forearms, unable to move no matter how hard I struggled.

“Take that back,” He demanded darkly, his face dauntingly close to mine.

I shook my head, taking a stand for myself. “No.”

“Leighton,” he said firmly, “take that back.”

“Not until you apologize for calling me a bitch.” I said simply.

“Leighton,” he warned, gripping my arms tighter.

“Let go of me,” I winced, struggling against him.

“Take it back!”

“Talk to your family! Be a fucking man about it!”

We were as stubborn as each other, so when we fought, we said the worst things we could think of, and then we didn’t apologize. We’d been fighting a lot more since the diagnosis, and things wouldn’t be resolved, just forgotten when he’d go back to his usual state of mind. I think it was because I glorified those happier moments, making that an excuse not to deal with the things we should be dealing with.

One time before the diagnosis, we had a huge fight. A lot of things were bubbling up under the surface and one day we both just snapped. I don’t know what we were fighting about and it didn’t matter, but it got really bad that he went out and didn’t come home that night. He slept at Garrett’s and I was up all night crying. I didn’t like to get into fights with him because I didn’t want him to not be home for the rest of the night.

I didn’t like fighting with him but I was hitting my breaking point. I was over letting him walk all over me, in fear he’d just walk away from me.

I was brought back by hands around my neck.

“Leighton!” He screamed at me, “Take it back!”

My hands flew to his wrists, gagging when his hands tightened.

I heard footsteps rush out of the room, and suddenly his hands let go, as Kennedy pushed him viciously. So viciously that John fell to the ground, hitting his head against the railing, dangerously close to falling down the stairs.

My knees fell weak as I slipped down the wall, my hand on my neck, shaking rapidly. Jared kneeled beside me but I couldn’t hear him. I couldn’t focus on anything but that one fact.

My boyfriend tried to strangle me.

***

I was staying at Jac and Eric’s tonight, along with Parker, as Eric and Jared had volunteered to stay at my place with John. Kennedy left as soon as he knew I was okay. He was a very peaceful guy and was appalled when he saw what John did to me. He hadn’t said a word to John and I don’t think he has since. I don’t know what John’s been doing; I haven’t spoken to him since that afternoon, and I was currently having dinner with Jac and Parker.

I wore a scarf because I didn’t want them to see the marks his hands and nails left on my neck, but thankfully it was also a cold day and I didn’t look too out of place.

“So how are you and Eric?” Parker asked Jac, as we ate a pasta dish they both put together while I was bring driven over by Jared. I felt like a child being dropped off at a relatives’ while mom and dad fought at home.

A smile grew on Jac’s lips as the mere mention of his name. It was cute and simultaneously depressing, but I kept that latter thought to myself while she spoke.

“We’re good,” she nodded, waiting until she’d washed down a mouthful of pasta with a sip of red wine before continuing. “We had this huge talk the other night,” she started, “about our future and stuff, and he basically proposed, saying he was going to marry me one day and he could stop looking for ‘the one’ because he’d found her and whatever,” she blushed, trying to play it down. “It was so romantic though; I mean I know he can be a dork sometimes, but he makes up for it, big time.”

“That’s so sweet!” Parker gushed, “Why did I not hear about this sooner?”

“We haven’t had a girls night in ages, that’s why.” Jac laughed, sitting back. “I missed this.”

“Me too,” Parker nodded, “things just got so busy with the guys coming back and with work.”

“Oh god work is definitely pulling me under,” I mused, speaking up. I didn’t want them to think I wasn’t alright and start asking questions I had no desire to answer, so I had to throw something in every now and then.

“Yeah?” Jac nodded, looking over at me. “Have you come up with a name for the new line yet?”

I shook my head miserably. “That’ll probably be the last part of the process to be honest.”

“Namers’ block, huh?” Parker teased, nudging me with her foot.

“Oh, sorry we don’t all have super easy jobs like you.” I smirked, “you hide behind a camera all day.”

“Loser,” she laughed, taking a sip of her wine. “I took pictures of hot guys shirtless all day today.”

“Oh congratulations,” Jac gasped, leaning forward. “You get any polaroids?”

Parker rolled her eyes playfully. “Yeah, I’ll bring ‘em on Tuesday.”

Tuesday.

I put my fork down at the sudden mention of the event. Was I supposed to show up and play supportive girlfriend? Or did I play the victim girlfriend that was too scared to be near her boyfriend? I certainly didn’t want to play second but I don’t think I had the guts to play first.
Parker and Jac looked over at me, their chewing slowing down as I stared down at my half-eaten food.

“You okay, babe?” Jac asked, leaning over and placing a hand on my knee.

I nodded.

Right, and then I burst into tears, covering my face in humiliation as the tears flowed rapidly.
I heard chairs scrape against the floorboards before they had their arms around me, holding me tightly.

“Lei it’s okay,” Jac said soothingly, kneeling beside me.

I tried to take a few deep breaths but I couldn’t. Crying just felt so good right now, I couldn’t stop. “I-I-“

“Let it out babe,” Parker nodded, “it’s okay, just let it out.”

“He’s just, he’s wearing me out,” I whimpered, running a hand through my hair before drying my eyes on my sleeves. “I don’t know how much longer I can take it.”

Jac pulled her chair close to mine and sat on it, keeping my hand tightly in hers. “You shouldn’t have to take it, Lei, you’ve never dealt with someone that has something like this, you shouldn’t have to if it’s making you feel like this.”

I looked at her, shaking my head. “He’s my boyfriend, I should know how to ‘deal’ with him, he needs
me- he’s never been through this either.”

“You’ve got to put yourself first, Leighton. You’re letting this…this disorder walk all over you and it’s starting to hurt you….literally.” She sighed.

“I wound him up today, he was sensitive and vulnerable and I said something I shouldn’t have.” I mumbled.

“Stop it,” Jac said firmly, “there is absolutely no reason nor excuse for a guy to hurt a girl, none whatsoever.”

“But-“

“She’s right, Lei,” Parker nodded in agreement, “until he apologizes, you shouldn’t go home.”

“I can’t live with Jac and Eric forever,” I scoffed, “he won’t apologize because doesn’t know how to swallow his pride.”

“If you ignore him enough he’ll figure it out,” Jac stated.

“I can’t guys, I have to go home and make sure he takes his medication every morning, and that he eats every day, and that I’m there if he has those fucking nightmares- I have to look after him.” I explained with a sigh, wondering what it was my life had now come to.

“He’s twenty five years old, Leighton,” Parker stated.

“Yeah but he’s only been dealing with depression for almost nine months- it’s a different case with everyone. With John, it triggers mood swings and depressive episodes, he has flashbacks to whatever it is that made him like this, nightmares stop him from sleeping- he was literally puking from the medication.” I explained, completely exhausted. “He was in tears over how badly the medication was making him feel, it was a nightmare.”

“We didn’t…we didn’t know it was so complicated.” Jac said softly, rubbing my hand.

“I didn’t either until I was thrown into it,” I mumbled, “but there’s nothing I can do about it except push him to be proactive about it- I can’t give up on him.”

“Wait so how did he manage for four months without you?” Parker asked curiously.

“The guys were calling me everyday,” I shrugged, “he wasn’t as bad as he is now, I mean sure, I had to call three times on different days to just get him out of bed, but he’s gotten a lot worse since being home with me, it makes me believe him when he says that music is the only thing that makes him happy.”

“That’s bullshit,” Jac scoffed.

“Some days I can’t even get him out of the house.” I threw back, lifting my glass and taking a long sip of wine. I took a deep breath and shook my head. “I’m sorry, let’s change the subject this is too…depressing.”

Funny that, it was the perfect word for my mood right now.

***

Eric got home the following day at around lunch time, Jared still on his way. I’d called in sick and said I wouldn’t be in until tomorrow, midday. I hadn’t decided if I was going to the signing yet and was kind of scared to go, to be honest.

“You ready to go?” He asked gently.

I nodded quietly, before turning to the girls and giving them a hug each. “Thank you so much- I’m really sorry about all this.”

“Don’t be silly,” Jac insisted, once pulling away. “We always have your back, Lei.”

Parker nodded. “Exactly. Call us if you need anything.”

I nodded. “I will, I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” I mumbled, before saying our goodbyes and following
Eric, who carried my overnight bag to the car for me. “Thanks for taking me back.”

“Don’t mention it,” he insisted, opening my door for me and placing my bag at my feet after I got in. He walked around to the drivers seat and pulled out of the drive way. “How was last night?”

“I learnt what a big romantic you are,” I teased, looking over at him. “Mr ‘One-day-I’m-Gonna-Marry-You’.”

He blushed, a small smile creeping on his lips. “I will, you can count on that.”

“You’ve grown up, Halvorsen.” I mused.

“Well I’m twenty five y’know? I gotta do it sometime.” He chuckled, looking over at me briefly. “He will too, Lei.”

I rolled my eyes, looking away. “I’d rather not talk about him.”

“Well you’re going home to him, you’ll need to face it.” He said, taking a left.

“I’ll take my chances,” I mumbled.

“Leighton he might not show it, but he needs you.” Eric sighed loudly, “Jared went off at him about hitting you-“

“Strangled, he strangled me,” I corrected nonchalantly.

“God I can’t believe he did that,” Eric mumbled, running a hand through his hair as we neared our street. “I can’t believe how mad Jared was, I’ve never seen him so angry.”

“He knows it’s because of the depression, right?” I asked, suddenly feeling bad for John.

“Honey it doesn’t matter what it was- there’s absolutely no excuse for that shit.” He said, shaking his head. “I’ve never told anyone this, and neither has Jac, but years ago we got into this huge fight, and
I raised my hand at her. I stopped before I even knew what was going on, but the fact that I had some form of intention to hurt her disgusted me. I started fucking crying about it because I was so angry at myself.”

“You didn’t know what you were doing-“

“Of course not,” he scoffed, “but that’s no excuse.”

I bit my lip. “I wound him up-“

“For once Leighton,” he sighed, “stop blaming yourself.”

“I’m not-“

“You are and you need to stop,” he said, as we pulled into the driveway. John was sitting on the porch waiting for me. I was almost too scared to get out of the car. “It’s not going to work if you let him walk all over you- I love him like my brother, but you need to stand up for yourself, even if it means losing him.”

N-no, I can’t do that. Not if it meant losing him.

“Thanks for the lift, Eric,” I mumbled, grabbing my bag and opening the door.

“Call us, Lei, if you need something.” He stressed, grabbing my hand as I got out. “Please.”

I nodded, running a hand through my hair. “Yeah okay, okay I will.” I responded, tugging on the scarf around my neck. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Alright,” he nodded, sighing. “Take care, Lei.”

“You too.” I replied, before closing the door and heading up to the porch as he drove off.

John threw his cigarette to the ground as he stood, stamping it out with his Converse covered foot. “Leighton-“

“I’m gonna take a shower,” I mumbled, “I’ve got heaps of work to do and I don’t want to be disturbed, got it?” I snapped, heading inside and upstairs. I needed to start being ruthless with him.

Eric was right; I need to start standing up for myself. It was going to be hard, but we couldn’t keep living like this. I couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t going to make his own life better. I couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t going to bother to try. I wanted everyone else to think we were okay, and in order for them to think that, we actually had to be okay. One of us had to make a change.

I got up to our bedroom and noticed the bed had been made. The room was tidy and it looked like he’d actually done the washing. So it takes him strangling me to finally take notice of me? Great. I dropped my bag down at the end of the bed and headed into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I stood in front of the mirror, my hands shaking as they raised to my scarf. I slowly pulled it away and winced at the light bruises on my neck, and the little nail incisions he’d accidentally given me.

I looked away as tears filled my eyes, hurrying to take off the rest of my clothes before starting the shower and getting in. I couldn’t stop crying once the water hit my skin. I knew he couldn’t hear me and that’s what I savored the most. This time alone was the only time I got these days and I was beginning to need a whole lot of it.

I didn’t eat that morning and only ate half of my dinner last night so I was beginning to feel the results of that when I felt my legs shake, my knees leaning in until they touched one another. I pushed my hair back under the cool water, feeling all the stress and worries lift, even if just for this time alone. I hated how much I carried when I worried about him, and I hated that I still wanted him beside me at the end of the day. I hardly slept last night because I was dying to call him and see if he was okay. I was waiting for him to break down and apologize, because that’s how this usually worked when we got out of control. I half wish they would have let him finish his anger, let him stop when he’d gotten it all out. I know that sounds terrible, but I literally want to burst into tears when I thought about him in so much pain he felt he couldn’t tell anyone about. He was constantly alone in his mind, alone with the bad and negative thoughts that haunted him day and night.

No one should have to live like that.

I was interrupted by the bathroom door opening and closing slowly, his footsteps barely audible above the water and the fan. I could hear him undressing, the sound of his belt hitting the ground with his jeans. A minute later, his hand appeared, before he slipped into the shower with me, totally uninvited but completed needed.

“I’m so sorry,” he murmured, pulling me into his arms under the water, holding me tightly against his chest.

I closed my eyes as he pulled me against him, unable to stop the crying. He didn’t say anything more, but apologies over and over again.

“It’ll never happen again,” he mumbled, his voice shaking, “I don’t know what happened, I wasn’t even thinking, I just…something triggered me and I had no control.”

I didn’t want to hear it. I couldn’t hear it- now wasn’t a good time.

“I’m so sorry.”

I didn’t end up doing much work that afternoon. I mainly laid in bed with John, wearing his old sweatshirt from ASU when he dropped out to pursue music. We didn’t talk at all, which I couldn’t tell was healthy or deadly. We just laid there in silence, I caught up on the sleep I’d been missing but he didn’t sleep at all. He pretended to wake up shortly after I did but I knew better. He left me to go make dinner downstairs, bringing up a chicken salad half an hour later and we ate it in bed while we watched TV. After that he took our dishes and tidied up, coming back up with coffee. He left me again to smoke a cigarette before finally coming back to bed.

It was six o’clock and all we’d done was lay in bed.

***

“I really need you there today,” he mumbled, his hand rubbing my leg softly as he sat by my feet. “Baby I don’t feel so good and I need you there.”

I nodded slowly as I sat up. “What time is it?”

“It’s eight thirty and it starts at eleven. We gotta be there by nine thirty.” He said softly, the strength in his voice absent.

“Are you okay?” I asked gently, my hand caressing his cheek. He had bags under his eyes that signified his lack of sleep. He was going to be in a bad mood today and all he could do was bite his tongue, before taking it out on me when we got home.

“I just…keep thinking back to the episode,” he murmured, looking down at his hands, the scar running across his right thumb must be a constant reminder for him. “I just…it’s getting to me, babe.”

I lifted his face so his eyes met mine. “Look at me, John,” I pushed, “you are in a completely different place to where you were then. Look how far you’ve come-“

“I strangled you, baby,” he spat, his voice shaking, “I strangled you- and look what I did to your wrist- and I threw beer at you-“

“Stop it,” I said firmly as his eyes started drifting, “John listen to me!”

“I’m so sorry, Leighton.” He breathed heavily, “I’m so sorry.”

“I know you are,” I nodded sadly, my eyes filling with tears, “I know you’re sorry baby, I…I forgive you.”

He shook his head. “You shouldn’t.”

“Yeah and if I did that, where would that leave us?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. “I have to move on in order for you to move on and get better, this is me being the person that cares, not the person that makes you feel worthless- John we’re in this together.”

“All in,” he mumbled, nodding slightly.

I nodded. “All in. Now push it behind you and get ready.”

All in.

I just needed to remind myself I was all in.

***

We got to the record store parking lot, getting out of the truck and meeting up with the guys in the back alley. If it wasn’t for Jared’s subtle glare at John, I would have forgotten about what happened yesterday. I’d been careful as to what I wore to hide the bruising, throwing on a pair of denim shorts, a plain white t-shirt and a long white cardigan that reached the backs of my knees. I had a loose black scarf that I’d doubled up on my neck and paired them with my black combat boots.
My hand was firmly in John’s with his thumb caressing the purple ring from Ireland.

“Hey guys,” he greeted, his hand beginning to sweat in mine.

“Hey man, you ready?” Pat asked, either completely unaware (along with Garrett) or being mature and not holding it against him. I noticed Eric and Jac walking over and felt a little better knowing I’d have their support.

John nodded slowly, whatever was bugging him this morning was still there, in the back of his mind. I could sense a panic attack and knew I’d have to restrain it later on. “Y-yeah pretty much.”

“We should go practice.” Jared spoke up, before heading inside, the rest of them following.

John’s hand gripped mine tightly, as if he was going to have a panic attack right now.

“You’ll be fine,” I reached up and whispered in his ear, kissing his cheek.

He nodded slowly, “see me before we go on okay?”

I nodded, offering a small smile. “Of course.”

He nodded before following the guys inside, leaving me with the girls and Eric. So far, Parker, Jac, Tate and Lydia had shown up. Apparently Austin and Hilary were also on the way, coming for support with Eric. Austin had toured with the guys multiple times and they were pretty close friends.

“So how are you?” Jac asked me, as we hung around outside, Eric lighting up a cigarette, along with Tate and Lydia. I didn’t smoke, I hated it. So did Jac, which made me realize Eric was using an e-cigarette, in attempts to quit. The whole ‘growing up’ thing wasn’t just a phase for him- he seemed to be taking it seriously.

“Good,” I nodded, before turning to Tate. “We still heading to work after this?”

She nodded slowly, as if that was at the back of her mind right now. “They’re all rocking up this afternoon.”

“Hun are you sure you’re okay?” Eric asked.

“Do you think I’d be here if I wasn’t?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Well, yeah,” he nodded.

I sent him a look before pulling my phone out of my pocket as luckily, it’d started to ring. I almost froze with betrayal when the name flashing read ‘Mama O’. “I…I gotta take this.” I mumbled, leaving the group quickly to answer the call.

I took a deep breath before answering, once I’d distanced myself far enough for privacy. “Hello?”

“Hello Leighton? It’s Jenny, sweetheart.”

“Jenny, hi,” I greeted, as if I hadn’t seen the caller I.D. “How are you?”

“Oh I wish I could say well,” she hummed, “how are you and John?”

Do I lie to his mom or tell her the disturbing truth?

“Oh we’re fine,” I mused, “he’s just changed medication so things are a little rough, but we’re working through it.”

“I tried to calling him yesterday, but never picked up,” she explained, sounding quite upset about it.

“He’s not ready to talk to you guys yet,” I said gently, knowing John would…throttle me if he found out I was talking to his mom right now. “He’s seeing a therapist right now to work through some of his issues, but he can’t see you guys just yet. He’s not prepared for that.”

“It’s going to take a long time, hmm?”

“Honestly, I have no clue,” I sighed, looking over at the group to see Austin and Hilary had arrived, hand in hand as per usual. “It could be a long time before he even opens up to me.”

“I sense things are straining your relationship, hmm?” She murmured.

I wasn’t going to tell her that her son tried to strangle me- not her first born.

“Things are…yeah it’s not easy right now.” I mused, kicking a rock in front of me with my Doc clad foot. “He had a good birthday though, we went out to the desert and spent the night out there...but since then things have kind of…gone downhill.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, hun,” she sighed. I could hear it in her voice that it hurt to hear these things about her son, knowing that she couldn’t do anything to stop the pain. I know this because I’d heard it in my own voice too many times. “Look I have to go, but call me please, if anything happens or if he needs us.”

I made the promise I didn’t think I could keep, before we said our goodbyes and hung up. I headed back over to the group with a new text from Jared.


he’s all over the place. don’t think it’s gonna go well.
I bit down on my lip, a little worried.


keep an eye on him. He told me this morning he didn’t feel good. Nerves?

A weird feeling of discomfort overtook me as I pushed it down to nerves, wondering if it was something else. He was okay for the rest of the morning, going about his normal, quiet self as we got ready to go. If he didn’t think he was ready, he would have pulled out, easily.

“Everything okay?” Hilary asked.

No.

I looked up with a fake smile. “Oh yeah, everything’s fine.” I nodded, waving it off. “It’s all good.”

I felt her eyes drop to my neck cautiously before she sent me a small smile. I sub consciously played around with the scar and fell back into the conversation, waiting anxiously until I could see John.

As if to speak of the devil, I received a message from him.

I love you. Need a hug from you :/

Nerves, he was just nervous about the performance. Like I’ve said before, he tries to distract himself with me, always touching or talking to me about random things to get it off of his mind. I felt a little more at ease as I responded.

I’ll see you soon, baby

We hung outside the back of the venue a little while longer before Kennedy came out and said they were going on now. I was the last in, but as soon as I entered the back of the store, John grabbed my hand, his palms sweaty.

“You’re gonna be okay,” I murmured softly in his ear, as we all stood around in the backroom looking out to the small stage set up and the audience behind the barrier. “You’re a pro at this.”

“Love you,” he mumbled, leaning down and kissing me softly.

“You’re gonna be fine,” I whispered into his lips. “I love you too.”

“You guys ready?” Garrett asked, standing on the other side of the room- away from Tate. Little weird, huh?

The guys all prepared themselves but they headed out, receiving good lucks’ from us as they went. John kissed me one last time before being the last out, as he was sitting on the farthest side near the window. His hand began shaking violently as he let go of my hand, almost as if he was purposely tapping it on his thigh. The rest of us came out and stood side stage, which was sort of behind two amps on top of each other.

I noticed how sick he looked sitting down at the end there. My heart started racing as the guys set up and he looked more uncomfortable than before. He kept running his hand through his hair and wiping them on his jeans. It occurred to me then, that he wasn’t going to last the performance because he was about to have an anxiety attack.

I grabbed Eric’s forearm suddenly, turning to him. “Eric we have to get him out of here.”

He frowned in confusion, looking over at John. “What?”

I nodded over at John. “He’s having a panic attack- his anxiety is getting worse, we have to get him out of here or he’ll have a break down.”

Eric looked alarmed and seemed to notice it after I’d pointed it out. John’s eyes were beginning to turn glassy and he wasn’t looking anywhere but me.

“I can’t, I can’t.” He mouthed to me, his knee bouncing up and down.

“You’re okay,” I mouthed back.

His hand rested on his chest over his heart and he shook his head at me frantically. Garrett was sitting next to him and leaned over. I saw him ask John if he was okay, to which John shook his head rapidly. Garrett leaned towards Jared and whispered in his ear, while John sat alone, panicking. Thank god the fans didn’t seem to notice.

“What do we do?” Eric whispered, ready to take action.

I bit down hard on my lip as I shrugged, my eyes not leaving John’s. “If he can’t, than he can’t.”

“What’s wrong with him?” Tim their manager asked, stepping between me and Eric. He looked down at me. “What’s wrong with John?”

“He’s freaking out,” I mumbled, “I have to take him home, Tim- he’s having a panic attack it’s all the anxiety.”

“Shit,” Tim mumbled, climbing onto the stage and crouching in front of John, who was trying desperately to not stop looking at me.

“He needs you,” Eric mumbled. “John needs you.”

John said something to Tim, who looked over at me and waved me over.

I awkwardly made my way onstage and over to John standing in front of him so most of the fans couldn’t see. “What’s wrong?” I whispered in his ear as I gave him a hug.

“I c-can’t,” he murmured, shaking his head. “I can’t do this, I need to get out of here.”

He stood abruptly, as did Tim, who was trying to calm him down.

“Hey man, it’s okay, just take a few deep breaths,” Tim said gently, placing an arm on his shoulder.

John flinched under his touch and his eyes began to water. “I c-can’t do this,”

“Dude if he can’t, he can’t,’ Kennedy said as he approached us. “We’ll reschedule it, it’s fine.” You couldn’t even tell how angry he was at John.

“I’m sorry, I just can’t,” John breathed heavily, grabbing my forearm. “We need to go, I can’t be here-“

“Yeah we’re going,” I nodded quickly, moving his hand to my own. I looked at Tim with pleading eyes.
“He can’t do it, Tim.”

Tim sighed but nodded. “Alright. I’ll let ‘em all know- just stay calm, alright? If you can’t…you can’t, it’s not your fault bro.”

John nodded, though he wouldn’t believe him and he’d take that guilt and make it worse. “I’ll…I’ll see you guys later,” he mumbled, his mouth quivering.

“You’re okay, baby.” I said softly, raising my hand to his cheek. “C’mon, we’ll go.”

“I just can’t,” he said to the guys one last time.

“Seriously, it’s okay man,” Garrett assured, “you’re just making yourself worse, get outta here.” He said, patting John on the shoulder.

John looked at me and I nodded. “We’ll see you guys later,” I nodded, before leaving the stage with John, my right hand in his and my left hand rubbing his back as he kept his eyes on the ground as we walked out, turning his back on his fans and ignoring the questions from the others as I sent them sympathetic looks. We stopped in the dressing room where he broke down, and I wrapped my arms around him tightly.

“It’s okay,” I murmured softly, rubbing his side. “You’re okay,”

“I just need to get out of here,” he whimpered, shaking his head against my shoulder. “I can’t be in
here anymore.”

I nodded again, pulling away and kissing him quickly before taking him by the hand and pulling him out of the room and out through the back exit. “That’s okay, babe.”
He didn’t say another word as we walked out to his truck. I drove us home, sending a message to Tate as we stopped at a red light.


taking him home, if you don’t feel like going in today, let everyone know they don’t have to either. Orders can wait another day xx


I dropped my phone into the console between John and myself before taking his hand and driving forward as the lights turned to green. “You wanna go back to bed when we get home?”

“It’s already one.” John mumbled, looking away.

“Nope, you’re not going all silent on me,” I said firmly. “You’re going to talk to me.”

“Leighton,” he sighed.

I pulled my hand away to get a better grip on the steering wheel as I made a left off of the highway.
“No, John. You’re going to talk to me because I saved you in there- I came out today to support you and you owe it to me to at least tell me what’s going on.”

My phone buzzed an I looked down at it while trying to keep my focus on the road-

“Will do, let us know how he’s going, be careful.” John read, picking up my phone, ending in a frown.
“Are you fucking kidding me? Be careful?!” He scoffed, unlocking my phone and starting to type.

“John,” I frowned, looking at him for a split second before returning my eyes to the road. It was extremely busy and one wrong move could get us killed. “John what are you doing?!”

“How dare she,” he muttered, “God’s sake; ‘be careful’- who does she think she is?!”

“John,” I said firmly, reaching for my phone as I kept my eyes ahead. “John calm down, don’t you dare send a message.”

“As if, that bitch deserves it.” He scoffed, making one last tap before dropping my phone back down between us.

“John!” I yelled angrily, punching him in the shoulder before turning back to the road. “You have no fucking right to do that!”

“How does she even know?!”

“Garrett probably told her, I don’t know!” I yelled back.

“How would Garrett know!?”

“I don’t know, ask Kennedy,” I scoffed, “Oh wait-“

“Don’t you fucking finish that sentence.” He warned, his voice dark. “I swear to god, Leighton.”
I couldn’t help it.

“It’s not like God’s even listening to you,” I murmured under my breath. Yeah that was probably an even worse thing to say to him. He used to go to church with his family every Sunday growing up, his religion meant a lot to him, but obviously as of recently, he was taking things a whole lot more personal than before. Basically he was kicked out of church because his pastor was at the family gathering where he hit his brother and it reflected badly on the entire family. So saying something like that is obviously a stupid move because he’s already feeling worthless enough.

“You fucking…” he muttered, turning away from me.

I didn’t speak to him for the rest of the drive home, not even when we pulled up in the driveway. He got out and slammed the door behind him, heading straight into the house. I picked my phone up and went to the message he’d sent to Tate.


wow thanks. Fuck off with the ‘be careful’.


I sent her a message explaining that that was John and he was in a mood and to not take it personally. She apologized and let me know that nobody else wanted to go into work so she’d been outvoted. After a few minutes of time to myself, I headed inside, hearing complete silence throughout the house.

Welcome home…