In Their Eyes

A month has gone by since my world went to hell. I quit being a cheerleader, though mom hadn't found out yet, and became a shell of my former self. I went through the motions of being Ms. Bitch, but didn't really recognize what was being said. I took the time that was spent for practice and went to dad's grave after school everyday.

I sat down against dad's gravestone, a small shiver doing up my back. "Hey, dad, how are you today? I'm not sure what to feel anymore. Aisling hates me, that for sure. But, there's something else no that bigger than my problems dad. I'm pregnant. I should've gone and asked mom for birth control after prom, but I was afraid of what would happen. I can't protect myself from Todd, how can I protect my baby from him. I won't get an abortion, and neither Todd nor mom would let me put him up for adoption. What can I do?

"Todd's going to be forced by his parents to propose to me, and then I'll be stuck here. I won't go to college and finally be myself, I'll be with my mom and a cheating, abusive husband being a bitchy stuck up woman for my whole life." Tears flowed down my face, the salty tears invading my mouth as I talked. I seemed to be crying a whole lot lately. "I got to go, dad. I'm so sorry I disappointed you. I'll be here tomorrow at the same time."

***

Mom, Aisling, and I all sat around the dinner table in silence eating. I didn't reapply my makeup, leaving my black and blue neck in full view of Aisling who kept peaking at it. I broke the silence. "Why are horrible people aloud to have children?"

Aisling looked at me wide-eyed and mother stiffened, answering me with a bite to her words. "What would make you ask that? Are you trying to imply something, dear ?"

'Dear' was full of malice, but in my current state I didn't care. "No, it just makes no sense that people would be given children when it could ruin both the mother's and child's life, but not give children to couples who desperately want them and can give them a better life."

My mother sighed in annoyance, "where did all of this come from?"

I shrugged slightly, deciding not to announce my news yet. "I've just had a lot of time to think lately. I got accepted into Georgia Southern University, I got the letter today."

My mother put her hand over her heart, and Aisling looked at me suspiciously. "Georgia? That's so far away, you don't want to be with your mother anymore."

"It would only be for a couple of years, I'd be back sooner than you know it." I replied while thinking, ' You won't even have to worry about me going to college after you find out about Todd Jr. '

I knocked on Aisling door that night and was met by her voice. "Come on in, Ella." I winced because I knew I no longer held apart of her heart. I walked through the door and the smile on her face suddenly fell into a frown.

"If you keep that expression for much longer you'll get stuck looking that way forever," I said repeating something our father told us all the time.

She didn't even crack a smile. "What do want, Ginger?"

"You think I'm a horrible person don't you?" I laughed darkly giving myself Goosebumps. "Of course you do, everyone else does," I said pointing at my neck that she had been peaking at.

"If you already knew the answer why'd you come?" she asked trying not to yell at me.

"I've never asked anybody." I looked down at the ground knowing how weak and fragile I must have looked to my strong sister. "I've just always let everything happen, you know, never questioning it. And, look at you; you've gotten so much stronger without me. I never would have thought I'd be the weak one without you, I always thought it would be the other way around."

"You didn't have to be there for me, I could've taken care of myself!" she yelled. "I'm not always going to be the one."

"I know that," I yelled just a loudly, then dropped my voice to barely above a whisper. "If I was strong then Todd wouldn't have raped me."

"What?" She looked at me concerned for the first time in ages. "When?"

"Which time?" I asked smiling bitterly. "The first was the night after prom. I tried to be normal that weekend, but Todd suspected I liked Donovan and told me he would hurt him if I didn't separate myself from him. The second time was that night I had gone for dinner at his house. You remember, when I was so dressed up and we argued? There were so many times after that in the last month, and I gave up. I just started to let it happen."

She wiped at the tears, that I didn't notice, which fell down my face. "Is that where you go during Cheerleading practice?"

"No. I go down to dad's grave, and talk to him." she looked at me sadly. "He's the only other person who knows."

"That you were raped?"

"That and the fact that I'm pregnant." Aisling gasped. I wonder what she thought of me now.