I Want to be Loved by You

“I’m sorry.” Niall put his head in his hands, “I just can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what?” My voice wavered.

“Not be with you properly.” He sighed and I bit my lip, “I can’t kiss you one night and then watch you flirt with some other guy the next. I can’t make love to you and then see you exchange numbers with someone else. I can’t do it Jen. I need to have you.”

I looked at the floor shifting nervously, I didn’t know what to tell him and I didn’t know what to do. Niall was everything I had ever imagined him to be and more. When I first went on about him to Blair she’d laughed at my ramblings. She’d promised me he was a better person then I could ever imagine and she was right. She was always right. Niall was one of her best friends and she knew him. She knew him and she kept telling me how much he cared about me. But I’d friendzoned him years ago. I’d put him on the pile with the likes of Louis and Harry. I couldn’t be more than friends with him. I couldn’t watch him walk out the door and leave me behind. I already had to say goodbye to him as a friend and that was bad enough. Watching him, the boys and Blair leave was heart breaking enough as it was but the idea of being with Niall, having that attachment and still having to have him leave was a thought I couldn't process. I just knew I wouldn't be able to handle it.

“Niall.” I sighed and he stood up and walked across the room angrily obviously not liking the tone of my voice.

He looked like a different person, his whole body was tense and his eyes had dulled like he was exhausted with life. Like I had pushed him to his complete limit. He let out a groan of frustration as he rested his head against the front door of my apartment. The sound seemed so foreign coming from the boy who laughed more than anyone I had ever met before. His head knocked against the wall and he spun around locking his eyes on me. It was like he had gone to leave but decided he couldn’t.

“What do you want from me?” he asked helplessly letting his arms fall to his sides.

His tone was questioning, he was completely confused by me and I felt a pang of guilt. Niall had asked me so many questions in the past and never had he looked so lost at my lack of answer. He walked towards me but stopped halfway, I opened my mouth but no sound came out and Niall sighed.
Everything had been simple until one night three months ago when he turned up at my door at midnight asking me to go on an adventure with him. His eyes had been a bright blue and I had laughed nodding and following him out the door. He’d kissed me under the London lights and I had fallen into him completely. The night had been a whistle stop tour of all his favourite places in London, the ones that looked the best lit up and he’d completely captivated me and I hadn’t ever felt so happy. I had also never felt so scared.

“Do you want this Jenny?” he asked his voice brought me back from my thoughts, “do you want us or not? You can’t just leave me hanging here.”

“You left.” I said quietly.

He looked at me confused and I bit my lip. The night after he had kissed me he had left, no note and no explanation. I’d had to ring Blair and fish around to find out the boys had gone to Paris for an award show. It was a preplanned event and Niall had omitted to tell me about it after we had spent the entire night wrapped up in each other. We’d come back to my flat and cuddled up in my bed telling each other stories about our childhoods between soft tender kisses.

“It was so easy for you to do it.” My voice sounded foreign to me, “you just didn’t tell me and it was like you were giving me a sign. Telling me that it was that easy for you to leave. That it was that easy for you to hurt me.”

“I’m sorry.” He walked over to me and took my hands in his, “I’ve apologized for that so many times. I’m so sorry Jen.”

“I don’t know what to do.” I looked at our fingers that he laced together, “I don’t know how I want to feel.”

“Want to feel?” he questioned and I bit my lip, “how do you actually feel? Right now, in this moment what is it that you feel?”

“Like I want to cry.” My voice was barely a whisper and I felt Niall squeeze my fingers.

“Why?” he asked and I let out a shaky breath not looking up from my gaze on our fingers.

I didn’t say anything as I thought about all the things that were racing through my mind. All the kisses, all the touches and all the giggles. Everytime I’d sneak out from his grasp, all the times I’d kiss someone else in an attempt to keep away from him and all the nights I’d watched my phone willing it to ring and for it to be him.

“Because I’m scared.” I admitted and looked up to see him watching me carefully.

“Of what exactly?” his breath was minty as it hit my face and I shifted nervously.

“You.” I didn’t even realize I’d said it outloud until I watched his eyes widen, “you scare me so much. What I could feel for you scares me.”

“I’m not going to hurt you.” He pulled my hands closer to him in attempt to get me to move.

“You don’t know that.” I shook my head, “you can’t know that. One day you might wake up and decide you don’t want this anymore, you don’t want me anymore.”

“I’ve wanted you for years Jen.” He sighed, “you are all I have ever wanted. I wanted you when we were in Chamonix, I learnt how to board so I could spend more time with you and I wanted you when I kissed you after we got back. I wanted you after you completely freindzoned me. I wanted you at Blair and Harry’s wedding when you cried because you thought nobody would ever love you. I wanted you when you turned up at my flat completely drunk crying that some guy had forced his tongue in your mouth. I wanted you after you kissed someone the night after we made love for the first time. I want you Jenny. I always have.”

I blinked a few times before stepping forward and kissing him, his arms wrapped around my waist as I deepened the kiss. He broke the kiss of sooner than I had wanted it to, he was shaking his head as I bit my lip confused.

“I need you to say it.” He told me, “you can’t just kiss me and make me feel like you want this to. I need to hear you tell me you want this. I need to hear you tell me you want me.”

“I want you Niall.” I told him stepping closer to him, “I want this. I want us. I really do.”

“But?” he questioned and I looked at our feet.

“Please don’t hurt me.” I looked up at him and he gave me a smile.

“I won’t.” he assured me.

“Good,” I gave him a small smile, “because I really do want to be loved by you.”