Can You Chase Away the Darkness ?

I was silent on the walk back to my house, and the guys noticed. “Something wrong Vic ?” Tony asked me. I shook my head no, but stayed silent. I was wracking my brain for reasons that Carson could be mad at me. I tried to tell myself that she was just annoyed with something other than me, but I wasn’t really convinced. I was the type of person to blame myself for everything, and I always believed that people were mad at me. I tried to hang with the guys and be normal, I really did, but my thoughts kept wandering back to Carson. She had acted interested in me, I mean, she had pulled me out of class and started making out with me. Didn’t that mean something ? And if so, what ? I had thought that maybe I was finally getting something I wanted, but maybe not…

About an hour after school let out, my phone lit up with a text, from none other than Carson. It read “Hey Vic, want to meet up ?” I replied with-“Sure give me a few. Got anything in mind ?”

“Just wanted to talk…”
That made my stomach knot up instantly. Shit was about to go down.

“Sounds scary ”

“Meet me at the corner in ten minutes ?”
I needed more time than that to prepare for this, whatever it may be. But it didn’t seem good….

“Fifteen and you’ve got a deal.”

“Deal.”

I told the guys I was going to meet Carson, and they all ooh’ed and ahh’ed. I remembered that I was supposed to be going to her house for dinner, was that still on ? And sooner or later I would have to tell the guys what was going on. All these thoughts clouded my head until I was on the verge of snapping, but I gathered my courage and walked to the corner.

She was already there, turned around and facing the other way. Just as I approached her, she turned to me with a fake smile. “Hey Carson.” I tried to play it cool and act like I had no idea anything was wrong, but even if I hadn’t known it before, I sure did now. Her body language was stiff as though she were intensely uncomfortable, and she looked utterly worn out. I pulled my pack of cigarettes from my pocket and shook them, indicated we should go for a smoke. I figured it would ease the tension, and maybe bring back thoughts of our happier times. I motioned toward the park, silently asking her if she wanted to go there and talk. She agreed, her voice a dull whisper.

We shuffled slowly to the park, with her avoiding my gaze and staying a good foot away from me the whole time. I was so confused, she definitely hadn’t acted like this earlier. What could I possibly have done to provoke this behavior ?

When we arrived, I walked straight toward the familiar play-scape and heaved myself onto it. Carson followed suit, and I pulled out a smoke, ready to light it. Suddenly, she spoke “Wait ! I, um, have to tell you something. I don’t, uh, I don’t want…this ?” Her voice sounded like she was on the verge of tears and she sounded out of breath. She inhaled deeply and spoke again “I don’t want to hang out anymore.” Her voice sounded stronger, but still hesitant, and the look in her eyes told me she was clearly lying. The lie was so desperate that I wondered what could be so bad that she had to break all ties with me. I placed my hands lightly on her shoulders , “You don’t sound sure about that.” Carson’s expression crumbled, and she began to sob. ‘I’m sorryyyy !” She cried shakily, about to turn and walk away. I was really alarmed now, something was so wrong here. I couldn’t just let her leave, I needed to let her know that I cared about her, and help her any way I could. “Carson, what’s going on ?” I pulled her against me, half-expecting her to pull away. If I was going to do this, I was going to let it all out here and now “Just tell me what’s wrong, Carson. I can see you’re lying, why ? I really like you, okay ? And I care about you a lot, and you aren’t making sense and I just….Let me help.” I was pleading with her, and I sounded so pathetic, but what could I do ?

I sat down, cross legged on the little bridge connecting the play-scape. I pulled her down with me so that we were facing one another. We needed to have a talk, while there still was a we. She let her hair fall like a wall in front of her face, but I just held her hand and peered under it. “Please ?”
For a long moment, neither one of us spoke, and I thought maybe this is hopeless. Not that Carson was hopeless, but that I was. Maybe I truly wasn’t good enough for her, and maybe I just wasn’t good at helping people, no matter how hard I tried.

I opened my mouth to say “Forget it”, when Carson spoke. Her voice was soft and still shaking, but she began to open up to me about her past. Her tone was horribly sad, but she forged on, spilling her secrets of her anxiety disorder and her abusive ex-boyfriend. I felt a rush of anger as she described to me all the times she had been put in the hospital because of him, and having to lie and seem like a klutz. She was so young, only sixteen, and she had already been put through so much. All I wanted to do was be a safe place for her, to protect her from now on. I wished I’d been there to protect her all along.

The day faded into dusk, but I didn’t care; I would wait all night with her. Tears streamed down her pretty face, and I couldn’t take it anymore. “Carson. I would never, ever hurt you. I’ll protect you, and so will the guys. I fucking promise you, nothing bad is going to happen to you ever again if I can help it. You’re amazing, and gorgeous, and worth so much more than that. You deserve the best, and if you’ll let me, I want to try and give that to you. I’m not pressuring you, make your own decision, but I want you to know all of that. If you do decide that you want a relationship with me, I want to wait until you feel comfortable. Take however long you need, I’ll wait for you, Carson.” I meant every word I had said, and it felt good to finally get them out. The pull I felt toward her seemed to get stronger, along with my urge to shelter her from harm.

No response came from her, and we both just sat in silence, looking at one another. Something caught my eye behind her, and I pointed, mesmerized “Look .” The sun was just starting to set, and it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever witnessed. The clouds were smooth and layered, and the brilliant colors lit up the sky. Sunrays beamed across the atmosphere, and all too soon, it disappeared under the horizon, leaving a pale lavender color in its wake.

I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the velvety sky, a slight breeze the only disturbance in the atmosphere. Everything was quiet, and in that moment, everything was also perfect.

Carson wrapped her arms around my waist, burying her face in my chest. I put my arms around her as well, kissing the top of her head. I paused, wondering if I’d went too far, but she stayed still. The buzzing of her phone broke the moment, and she answered it quickly. “Hi Mom. Oh, you’re home ? I’m uh, at the park. Yeah, Vic’s still coming to dinner.” She glanced briefly at me as she said that, waiting for me to decline. “Uh-huh. Yes. Alright. We’ll be there soon. OKAY. Bye.” She hung up, rolling her eyes. “Um, you ARE still coming, right ?”

I shrugged nonchalantly, “Sure.” My stomach fluttered again, but I kept a cool exterior. I followed her out of the park, and back to her house, unsure of what to expect. She squeezed my hand before we went inside, “Dad’ll act tough, but it’s just because of what happened to me. Don’t worry about it, they’ll love you.” She pushed open the door, and we entered her house.

“I’m home !” She called. The living room opened up directly to the kitchen, which, oddly enough, was at the back of the house. The table was set up in a big space behind the staircase, which blocked off, could be a whole separate dining room. The big wooden table was set with roasted chicken and potatoes, and various vegetable side dishes. Carson sat in the chair in front of the window, and I sat on her left side. Her dad sat intimidating across from me, and her mom next to me. I kept feeling his hard gaze on me, but I tried to act normal and polite. His mom asked me questions about school and family, the usual. Her dad was eerily silent, putting me on edge. The topic turned to my parent’s jobs, and suddenly Carson’s dad slammed his fork down. “Is your dad named Victor also ?” I cleared my throat, “Uh, y-yeah.” “Well I’ll be !” He smiled excitedly. “I’ve been working with your dad these past few days ! He’s been doing some painting around the building. He mentioned he had two sons that went to Valley High, but I didn’t think anything of it, since Carson’s so new and everything, I figured she wouldn’t know them yet anyway. He’s a real nice guy, and he’s always bragging about you boys. You’re in a band, correct ?” Well that had taken an unexpected turn. We talked for a while about my dad and my music, and then they cleaned up dinner and ushered Carson and I upstairs.

I stepped hesitantly into her room, unsure of how she would react. She simply sat on the edge of the bed, not saying a word. I stood awkwardly, and she invited me to join her. “I’m sorry about earlier…” She whispered, blushing. “Don’t be sorry, don’t ever be sorry for feeling, Carson.” “I wish I didn’t have to feel…” She muttered more to herself than to me. But then she turned her gaze on me, “But I definitely feel for you.”

“Sometimes I’m terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts.”