Give Me a Reason

I blink as I realise I’d been staring into the caramel-coloured goodness that was my cappuccino. I’m not really sure how long I’d been zoned out for, but a quick glance around told me no one had noticed. Even so, I feel kind of embarrassed. If someone had noticed, I would have looked like a crazy person. I take a sip of my drink, which was now close to room temperature; I must have been dazing for quite a while. I check my watch but I’ve still got 10 minutes until I have to go and pick up Lexi. I smile softly as I think of my daughter, I really don’t know what I’d be doing if I didn’t have her. I can't imagine my life without her in it. I looked around the café once again and my eyes land on a couple who are clearly one a date. The guy looks somewhat nervous as he reaches over the table to link their fingers. I stare wistfully at them for a moment, almost for too long, but then look away. I was that, so bad, but I just don’t have time for a relationship.

I didn’t have the chance to go to university; Lexi was born when I was 18, just before university, and I knew she had to be my priority. I don’t regret it, I don’t resent her for it, nor do I hate her mother for panicking and running. I understand how panicked she got, I’ve been there too, but I can't hate someone who gave my daughter to me. I quickly finish my drink after glancing at my watch again and stand up. I grab my jacket and head out of the café and down the road. Lexi started school about 2 weeks ago – I can hardly believe how fast the last four years had gone. It doesn’t seem right that she had started school already. She still seems like my baby girl, but she’s already four years old.

As I approach the school, I slow down. I’m a couple minutes early and I don’t want to get spotted by the other mums and stuck in conversation. They try to give the impression of friendliness, but I can feel their judgemental stares from a mile away. They think I’m too young to be a father, especially a single father. I imagine if I was 10 years older – more their age – they would be all over me. There’s another single dad with a son at the same school who is slightly older, and all the mums love him. I’m not stupid, I know I’m not the best dad or the right age to be a father, but I do the best I can and nothing has majorly gone wrong yet. And as long as I have anything to say about it, I’m not going to give those mothers the satisfaction of failing. If not for my own pride, then for Lexi. I hate the idea of letting her down.

I hear the bell ring from inside the building and a few minutes later, the doors open and children come flooding out. It’s a school for children from reception to year 2, so there isn't a massive range of ages. I’m quite glad about that, I don’t like the idea of Lexi mixing with older kids just yet. She’s too innocent and lovely to have anything to do with older children. Children go running to their parents and slowly, the crowd in the playground in front of the school starts to thin out. I frown as I realise Lexi hasn’t appeared yet and start to move closer to the doors, but then I see her blond head and I smile and relax. She’s talking animatedly with someone and I look up to see one of the most gorgeous people I have ever laid my eyes on. I feel my breath get stuck in my throat and I swallow desperately, hoping to force myself to start breathing before Lexi spots me and comes running over. “Daddy!” she cries, running from the man’s side and to mine.
“Hey, baby girl,” I grin, scooping her up and giving her a tight hug. “How was school?”
“Good,” she says happily.
“Did you do anything fun?” I ask her and she nods.
“We were put in reading groups,” she says, “I’m in the top one.”
“That’s great, Lexi,” I grin. “Well done, honey.” I want to tell her how proud I am, but I’m not sure if she’d even understand. “I think we should go out for ice cream to celebrate.”
“Yay!” she squeals and I can’t help but laugh softly. I put her down again and she takes my hand. As we turn to go, I realise that the guy Lexi had been walking with was only a few metres away, having stopped when Lexi ran over to me. “Mr Walker, we’re going to get ice cream,” Lexi says and I guess he is her teacher.
“That sounds nice,” he says, coming over to stand in front of us. He holds his hand out to me and I shake it. “Tom Walker,” he smiles, “I’m Alexandra’s teacher.”
“Mr Walker, it’s Lexi!” Lexi says stubbornly and I smile and give her hand a little squeeze.
“She doesn’t like Alexandra, it’s too long,” I tell him.
“I’ll try to remember,” he says, smiling down at Lexi. He then looks up at me expectantly and I realise I have to introduce myself.
“Spencer,” I smile. “Lexi’s dad.”
“Nice to meet you,” Tom smiles and I nod. “Well I’ll let you get your ice cream, I’m sure I’ll see you around.”
“Yeah,” I smile.
“See you tomorrow, Lexi,” Tom says and Lexi grins.
“Bye, Mr Walker,” she says happily. I glance at Tom one last time and can’t help but smile. He has wavy brown hair and is slightly tanned, reminding me slightly of an older Jonas brother, and chocolate coloured eyes which sparkle like he is always happy. I plan on running into him in the playground more often from then on.

--

Unsurprisingly, I make sure I pick Lexi up from school on time every day for the next month. She has a babysitter for when I have a late night at the restaurant. I normally try to get the lunch shifts, but sometimes they need me to cover for another waiter who’s ill or doesn’t turn up. Those are the nights when Carley, Lexi’s babysitter, is invaluable.

I’ve ran into Tom a few times since that first time, but it has never progressed passed the standard greeting. I so badly want to talk to him, but I don’t know how to. What do I say to break the ice? It’s awkward enough trying to talk to a guy, but I also have my 4 year old standing next to me. Of course, she has no idea what's going on – I haven’t dated since she was born and nor do I intend to until she’s much older, but it would be nice to at least talk to him.

About 2 months after Lexi started school, she brought a letter home saying that there was going to be a parent-teacher evening where parents could discuss their child’s progress. I don’t want to admit that the thought gives me butterflies. Having the opportunity to talk to Tom without children surrounding us? Sounds pretty tempting. I sign the slip saying I will be attending and put it in Lexi’s school bag for the next day. I have a week to prepare, which in theory should be more than enough time.

--

The Friday of the parent-teacher evening arrives much quicker than I had expected. I am nervous for the whole day even though there is no real reason. It’s not like it’s a date. And I don’t really want it to be. I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t date until Lexi was older, she deserved my full attention, especially considering the fact that her mum had abandoned her. But can I help it if I am excited about spending time with a gorgeous guy?

I am jittery the whole day. At work, I get a few orders mixed up but apparently I seem to be so smiley that people don’t really care. Rather than pick Lexi up, I ask Carley to do it, so I don’t have to go to and from the school twice. At 5 o’clock, however, just as I am about to leave work, the restaurant manager tells me I have to work an extra hour to cover for someone running late for their shift. “But it’s my daughter’s parent-teacher evening,” I say. “I need to go.”
“You have to stay, Spencer, I’m sorry,” he says before walking away to deal with a new problem that had arisen. I sigh and tie my apron back around my hips. I pull out my phone to call the school to let them know that I probably won’t make my appointment.
“Hi, this is Lexi Kennison’s dad,” I say once someone at reception answers the phone.
“Hi, how can I help you Mr Kennison?” the woman says.
“I’m afraid I’ve got stuck at work and won’t be able to meet Mr Walker tonight,” I say sadly. I really had been looking forward to it.
“Oh, can I take your number? I will go and check with Mr Walker and let you know what he suggests,” she says. I’m momentarily surprised but eagerly nod even though she can't see me.
“That would be great, thank you,” I smile before reciting my number.
“Okay, I’ll call you back shortly,” she says.
“Thank you,” I smile before ending the call.

For the next 15 minutes or so, I make myself look busy in the stockroom whenever someone appears. I rearrange the drinks, sort out the glasses. I would have gone to the kitchen, but it gets super busy in there and I feel like I’m just in the way. I jump when my ringtone fills the silence of the room before quickly answering. “Hello?” I say.
“Hi, Mr Kennison, this is Sarah calling back from Alexandra’s school,” the woman from earlier says.
“Hi,” I smile.
“Mr Walker says he doesn’t mind hanging around once he’s finished his meetings tonight, depending on how late you will be. Or you can come and meet with him tomorrow,” she says.
“I won't be able to get there until about 6.30 tonight,” I say, wondering how late is too late.
“That would be fine,” she says.
“Oh,” I smile. “Good, I’ll come straight after work. Thanks so much for your help.”
“No problem, goodbye,” she says and I reply before hanging up.

The next hour goes horrendously slowly as I wait for the person who I am covering to turn up for their shift. Eventually, she does – it’s a teenage girl who doesn’t seem at all bothered that she’s made me work extra. I just ignore her as I quickly run to the staffroom and grab my coat and stuff my apron in the lockers provided. I power walk down the high street and towards the school, which is about a 20 minute walk away. I get there in 13 (a new personal record).

I head to where the meetings are taking place, in Mr Walker’s classroom. I knock on the door and then cautiously push it open only to relax when I realise I’m not interrupting another meeting. “Hi, Mr Kennison,” Tom smiles from where he is sitting at his desk.
“Hello,” I smile. “Please call me Spencer.” I cross the room slowly, taking him in. Every time I see him I think the image in my head must exaggerate him, but it doesn’t even do him justice. He’s just so gorgeous.
“Only if you call me Tom,” he says with a grin and I can't help but smile and nod.
“I’m really sorry that you had to wait around for me,” I say softly. “The person taking over from me at work was late and I had to cover for her until she arrived.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he smiles. “I had been planning on sticking around to get some marking done anyway.” I’m not sure if he’s telling the truth or not, but I appreciate it anyway. “Please have a seat,” he says, motioning to the chair he’d placed at the side of his desk so I’m at a 90 degree angle to him. I sit and glance up at him, smiling softly. “So do you have any concerns?” he asks and I pause for a moment to think but then shake my head.
“No, I don’t think so,” I say and Tom smiles.
“That’s good, you shouldn’t,” he says. “Lexi is a very bright girl. And you clearly work very hard with her at home, she’s always done her homework and learnt her spellings and done her readings. There should be more parents like you.” I smile at him, awkwardly shrugging at the compliment. “You and your wife should be very proud of Lexi,” he says and I lower my gaze.
“Um, it’s just me,” I say with another shrug.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” he says and I smile and shake my head.
“Don’t be,” I say and he smiles back. We then spend the next 15 minutes or so going through Lexi’s homework, at things she might be able to do better, where her weaknesses are, where I can help her. “I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to do with her, really. I mean, I try not to work in the evenings, but I can't help it sometimes.”
“Anything you do is going to be beneficial,” Tom says gently. “You’ll be amazed how just talking to her, reading to her, will help. Do what you can, it’ll all help.” I smile and nod, sighing softly. I wish I could do more for her, I want to be able to give her the world, but I just can't. She doesn’t realise yet, but when she gets older she’ll realise how little I can actually give her. “Are you okay?” Tom asks softly. I quickly blink and snap out of it.
“Yeah, sorry, I’m fine,” I smile. “Um, is there anything else?”
“I think that’s everything,” he says.
“Okay, thank you again for hanging around late for me,” I smile, standing up and pulling my coat back on. Tom does the same, standing and packing up the papers on his desk.
“Don’t mention it,” he says and I smile. I manage to dawdle for a moment and then Tom and I are leaving together. He’s a few inches taller than me, something which I find immensely attractive in a guy. “So are you doing anything nice this weekend?” he asks as we walk through the halls to the car park. The school is pretty much empty now, only a security guard walking around locking up.
“Nah,” I shrug. “Lexi will probably want to go the park tomorrow, but nothing planned. What about you?”
“Yeah, nothing,” he says. “Just marking, I guess.” I nod and bite my lip.
“Well, um, if you’re around, we usually go to the park at about 1 o’clock, so you could join us if you want,” I say before I can stop myself. Oh God, what did I just do? What if he says no? What if he thinks I’m being completely inappropriate? Plus, I don’t really want him to read too much into it; what if he thinks I’m asking him out? Because I’m not…at least, I don’t think I am.
“That sounds nice,” he smiles. “I’ll see how much marking I get done.”
“Great,” I smile. “Well, I guess I might see you tomorrow.”
“Wait, let me give you a ride home,” he says and I look up into his warm brown eyes. I want to say no, I should say no, but I can't.
“Are you sure?” I ask. “I don’t mind walking, it’s not far.”
“Jump in,” Tom smiles, motioning to his car as he unlocks it. I smile and quickly get in the passenger seat. It has been a while since I was in a car – I can't afford my own, so Lexi and I rely on the buses or we just walk. It’s a fairly small town so we get by okay. “Where do you live?” he asks.
“Um, do you know Lowcroft Road?” I ask and he smiles and nods before heading out of the car park and towards my apartment.

Throughout the car journey, we talk about random things; the song on the radio, the book Lexi’s class were reading, some of the other kids in the class. I like hearing Tom talk about his class; he clearly loves teaching, I can hear it in his voice. Part of me is jealous that he has found something he is so passionate about, but then I realise I have Lexi. Nothing could come close to how much I love her.

“It’s the block just here,” I say, pointing to the red-brick 3-storey building. There are 3 apartments in it, which is perfect really, it’s not too noisy and we’re on the middle floor so we don’t have lots of stairs to climb. Tom pulls to a stop and I turn to him and smile. “Thanks for the lift,” I smile.
“Any time,” he smiles. I pause for a moment, lost in his warm gaze before I lower my gaze, a blush forming on my cheeks. The way he is looking at me…I can't remember the last time someone looked at me like that. It may even have been Lexi’s mum. I quickly push that memory to the back of my mind, definitely not wanting to open that can of worms right then.
“So, um, I might see you tomorrow,” I say softly and Tom nods. “’Kay,” I smile before opening the car door. “Bye.”
“Bye, Spencer,” he says and I almost shiver when he says my name. Somehow it just sounds so sensual coming from his lips. I smile and shut the door before heading up the three steps and unlocking the front door. I turn and give him a quick wave before darting inside.

I all but run up the stairs and unlock my apartment door. Carley appears in the doorway to the living room when she hears me enter and smiles. “Hey, Spencer,” she says and I realise that my name sounds utterly boring when she says it. But when he says it…
“Hi,” I smile. “How was she?”
“Excellent as always,” she smiles. “She fell asleep not long ago.”
“Great, thanks,” I smile, pulling out 3 £10 notes to pay her.
“You okay, Spencer?” she asks as she slips the money in her pocket. “You look a bit flushed.” I just smile and shrug.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I say. Over the last few months that Carley had been baby sitting, she and I have got closer. She was several years younger than me, about 16 I think, but she was still a good friend.
“Okay, well let me know when you need me again,” she smiles, heading to the doorway.
“Will do, thank you,” I say, following her to the door. She pulls her shoes and then leaves. I close and lock the door behind her.

I go check on Lexi, who is cuddling her rabbit teddy, wrapped in her pink blankets. I smile softly and sit on the bed beside her. “Daddy?” she mumbles.
“Yeah, baby girl,” I whisper.
“Did Mr Walker say anything bad?” she asks and I chuckle.
“Of course not, honey,” I smile. “He said you’re a very clever girl.” Lexi smiles in sleepily before sighing.
“Good,” she whispers and I smile before dropping a kiss to her forehead.
“Good night, Lex,” I whisper but she’s already asleep again.

--

At 1.30, I sit on the bench anxiously looking around. What if Tom had changed his mind? I shouldn’t want him to turn up, but I really do. “Looking for someone?” a voice behind me says and I jump but then smile. I turn and look behind me to see Tom standing there grinning.
“I wasn’t sure if you’d turn up,” I tell him as he sits beside me. I glance over at Lexi where she is climbing the slide and then back at Tom.
“Like I’d stand you up,” he smiles, nudging my shoulder with his. I just blush.
“So, how’d your marking go?” I ask and he grins boyishly and for the first time I wondered just how old he was.
“Haven’t started yet,” he says and I can't help but smile too.
“Is there a lot to do?” I ask and he shrugs.
“Not too much,” he says. “It won't take too long, I can get it done tomorrow probably.” I smile and nod and then turn my attention to Lexi. “She really is a great girl,” Tom says and I smile.
“Thanks,” I smile.
“What happened to her mum, if you don’t mind me asking,” he says and I shrug.
“She left,” I tell him. “We were only 18 when Lexi was born and Kelly, her mum, just wasn’t ready.”
“I’m sorry,” he says and I turn to him. “Were you, um, married?”
“No,” I say immediately. “No, we weren’t together really. We were friends at school, not super close, but we talked and stuff. And then we went to a party and you know, drank way too much. Before I even knew what was going on, we were upstairs in a bedroom.” I frown and shake my head, still kind of hating myself about how it happened.
“Well, you got Lexi out of it, right?” Tom smiles and I nod. I don’t regret it at all, I can't, but I do wish it had occurred under better circumstances. It was the first and only time I’d ever slept with someone. And I just wish it had been with someone important.
“Yeah,” I smile.

A minute later, Lexi comes running over and jumps into my lap. “Hi, Mr Walker,” she smiles at her teacher and Tom smiles back.
“Hi, Lexi,” he says happily. “How’s your weekend?”
“Good,” Lexi says, resting her head on my chest. “Daddy, will you come push me in the swings?” she asks me and I nod.
“Sure,” I smile. Lexi climbs off my lap once again and I stand. I half expect Tom to stay sitting, but he comes over to the swings with us too. I push Lexi gently while Tom stands just off to the side watching us. I can't help but keep glancing at him, only to meet his eye every time.

--

Tom and I continue to spend time together. It doesn’t take long before I see him as my closest friend. Sure, part of me wishes he was much more than that, but I just don’t have time for all that. Between working at the restaurant and looking after Lexi…my love life has been indeterminately placed on the shelf. We usually see each other every weekend on top of the brief conversations we have during the week in the playground in front of the school. We text a lot, too, and call each other in the evenings after Lexi is asleep. I find myself thinking of him all the time; when I wake up in the mornings, when I’m working, when I’m doing the grocery shopping, when I go to sleep. I want nothing more than to be able to spend even more time with him. And I have a feeling he’d be happy with that too, but I’d feel like I’d be leading him on. I don’t want a relationship, I don’t, and so spending more time with him will just be unfair on both of us.

One Friday evening, about an hour after Lexi has gone to sleep, I’m flicking through television channels when my phone goes beeps. I glance at the screen to see I have a text from Tom. I can't help but smile. What you up to? I’m bored. I smile softly and snuggle back against my sofa to reply. Nothing, just watching television. I’m kinda bored too. I turn my attention back to the television, not really watching it, as I think of Tom. How amazing would it be if I could be with him like that? He’s pretty much everything I want in a guy… I think we should be bored together, I’m coming over. I can't help but laugh and shake my head. I love that he felt able to just invite himself over, I so desperately want him to feel like that with me. See you soon :), I replied before standing up and quickly tidying away my plate from dinner.

About 20 minutes later my phone beeps once again and I hurry to read it, buzz me in? I smile and go to let him into the building before opening the front door to my flat. Only a minute later, Tom appears in the doorway and smiles at me. “Hey,” he smiles, closing the door behind him.
“Hi,” I smile, sitting on the sofa and motioning for him to do the same. “How was your day?”
“Not too bad,” he smiles. “There were no tears, so that always makes it a good day.” I smile and nod, turning to the television but not really watching it. I’m so aware of the man next to me that giving my attention to anything else is all but impossible. “Um, I actually wanted to talk to you about something,” Tom says after a minute and I turn to him with a soft smile. “Okay, so…here’s the thing…” he says slowly, frowning slightly and I can't help but worry.
“Is everything okay?” I ask. “Is it Lexi?”
“No,” Tom smiles. “Lexi’s fine. It’s about…us.” My lips part slightly in shock but I don’t know what to say.
“Oh,” I sigh but that’s about all I can manage.
“You know I like you, Spencer,” he says softly, reaching for my hand. “And…I think I’d be right in saying you like me, too.” I bite my lip but don’t argue or agree with him. “So, what I wanted to know is…would you maybe go on a date with me?” he asks and I stare at him for a moment before lowering my gaze.
“Tom, I-I…” I stammer, but have to stop. I know what I have to say, but it’s so hard. “I can't.” I watch Tom’s face fall slightly and I so desperately want to agree to a date just to see him smile, but I don’t. “I just…dating isn't really…I mean, I hardly have enough time to work and spend time with Lexi. After her mum left, I promised myself that I would make sure she’s always my priority. And I just…I feel like dating would mean I’d spend even less time with her. I just…right now isn't a good time for me. I’m sorry.” Tom looks at me for a minute and then nods.
“Yeah, that’s understandable,” he says quietly.
“I’m sorry, Tom, I really am,” I whisper. “I mean, if I was going to date someone, you have no idea how much I wish it could be you. But…dating isn't really an option for me right now.”
“Do you know…when it might become an option?” he asks. I look up at him and frown slightly. I know what I should say, I should tell him the truth; that it would probably be years. But I don’t.
“It’s hard to say,” I whisper. “It could be a month or so, maybe a bit more.” Tom nods slowly and then smiles.
“Okay,” he says.
“Okay?” I ask cautiously.
“Yep,” he smiles. “Now, let’s watch a film or something.” I look at him curiously but he just smiles at me. “I’m thinking the Avengers.” I smile and shake my head before finding the DVD and putting it on. I sit back on the sofa next to him as we watch the film. My left leg is pressed right up against his right leg and I’m really tempted to cuddle closer to him, but I don’t. That would definitely be a mixed signal considering I just told him I don’t want a relationship.

--

The next few months pass in the blink of an eye. Tom tries asking me out a few more times but each time I say no. Between work and Lexi, I just don’t have the time. Even though she’s now at school and I thought I might have more free time, I really don’t. Maybe in the late evenings, but it’s not fair on Tom if I can only be with him after Lexi has gone to bed. Plus, I think of him as a really good friend now – what if I lost him? I don’t know what I’d do without him now. Sometimes I feel like I should go out with him only because I do really like him, but I can't. It’s not fair on him or me or Lexi. At the end of the day, all of this is for Lexi. In between school and me working, I feel like I hardly have any time for her anymore. Just spending time with Tom as friends feels like too much sometimes. If I was to go out with him, it would be even more.

“Hi, daddy,” Lexi smiles when she appears in front of me in the playground after school.
“Hi, honey,” I smile, taking her bag from her. I look up and frown slightly when I see Tom across the playground heading to the car park. He usually always says hi after school. I watch him for a moment more and then turn my attention to Lexi, who unfortunately has also noticed.
“Have you had a fight with Mr Walker?” she asks and I smile softly.
“No, Lexi,” I smile, taking her hand and leading her out of the playground. “He’s just in a rush.” I look back over towards his car but either he hasn’t seen me or he avoids looking at me. I sigh softly and head home with Lexi.

Later that night, I pull out my phone. I bite my lip as I consider phoning or just texting. What if we are fighting and I hadn’t realised it? I sigh and phone him, figuring it would be best just to address whatever it is. “Hello?” Tom says as he answers his phone.
“Hey,” I say softly.
“Hey,” he says and I can't help but frown.
“Um, is everything okay?” I ask, biting my lip.
“Yeah,” he says brightly though I can tell it’s somewhat forced.
“Okay,” I say quietly, unsure what to do. Do I push it until he tells me what is wrong, or do it drop it? “So, um, how was your evening?” I say, hoping to just change the subject until he is willing to talk to me.
“Good,” he says. “I had a date.” My face falls and a pain stabs at my chest. I have no right to feel that, of course, but I do.
“Oh,” I whisper, though it sounded more like a gasp. I don’t know what I expected, really. Of course Tom is going to date other people, considering how much I’d said no. I don’t know what to say, what he wants me to say.
“Yeah, it was a blind date,” he continues even though I just want him to stop talking. “My sister set it up.”
“Did…did you like him?” I ask.
“Yeah,” he says and I can hear his shrug, “He was nice. He’s at medical school training to be a doctor.” I just nod, not caring that he can't see me.
“Oh,” I say again for lack of anything more to say.
“I got tired of waiting, Spencer,” he says suddenly and I close my eyes as tears threaten to fall. “I got tired of being rejected and having you break my heart little by little every time you said no. I like you, Spencer, you know I do. But if you won't let yourself be with someone…I need to move on.”
“So…are we still friends?” I whisper.
“Of course,” Tom says and I smile softly. “But I can't see you as much anymore. I can't do that to myself, I need to…stop thinking of you like that, I need to move on and seeing you every day won't achieve that.” I screw my eyes up tight and nod once again.
“I have to go,” I whisper and hang up before he even replies. Tears trickle down my cheeks. I hadn’t dated Tom for fear of ruining our friendship, but not dating him had ruined it anyway. How is this fair? Instead of thinking about it too much, I just go to my bedroom and crawl under the covers and pray for sleep to come quickly. It doesn’t.

--

I can't face Tom the next evening and take an extra shift at work and ask Carley to go pick up Lexi from school. I’m a coward, I know, but I just can't talk to him yet. Or he may not have even spoken to me. He may have just walked past me like yesterday. I sigh as I leant against the wall of the staffroom. I just finished my shift but I don’t even want to go home yet. I just want to shut myself off from the world, but I can't do that at home. Lexi is ridiculously in tune with my emotions and if she thinks I’m being slightly off, he won't leave me alone until I tell her. Deciding its not fair on Carley, I head home.

I frown when I walk through the door and Carley doesn’t come to greet me like she usually does. I go into the living room and pause in the doorway. Carley is sitting on the sofa with Tom in the arm chair opposite. “What…?” I say, not managing to get anything else out.
“Tom stopped by to talk to you,” Carley says, grabbing her bag and standing up. “So, uh, I’ll see you soon.” She all but runs out of the flat, not even taking her money. I shrug to myself, trying to force myself to remember to give it to her next time.
“What are you doing here?” I ask Tom as I pull my coat off.
“I came to talk to you,” he says and I roll my eyes.
“Yeah, I gathered that much,” I say before falling onto the sofa.
“You have no right to hate me, Spencer,” he says and I frown.
“What?” he ask partly in disbelief. “I don’t hate you.”
“Really? Then why did you send your baby sitter to pick Lexi up from school?” he asks. I just look at him but have no reasonable argument. “I waited for you, Spencer. For months. We were practically dating just without the physical stuff. And you told me that you’d be ready soon. But its been over 3 months and you're no closer to saying yes to going out with me now than you were back then.” I lower my gaze, kind of embarrassed that he was right.
“I’m sorry,” I say softly.
“It’s not fair of you to not want me to be with anyone else,” he says. “If I can't be with you, then I might as well find someone else.” I frown at my lap at the thought of Tom being with someone else. “Unless you tell me right now that’ll you’ll go out with me.” I close my eyes and close my hands into fists.
“I…I can't,” I whisper. “I just…I don’t want that.” Tom stands suddenly and I risk looking up into his eyes. My chest tightens painfully when I see how hurt Tom is.
“Then you have no right being angry at me for going on a date,” he says and I swallow and nod.
“I know,” I whisper. “I’m sorry.” Tom just sighs angrily before leaving the flat. I feel myself deflate slightly and cover my eyes with my hands.

A moment later, there is a knock on my door. I jump up, praying it’s Tom, even though part of me knows it won't be. I open my door and my face falls slightly seeing Carley. “Oh, um, did you come back for your money?” I ask her, pulling my wallet out of my pocket.
“No,” I smiles. “You need to go after him, I’ll watch Lexi.”
“What?” I ask with a frown.
“Go after Tom,” she says, stepping into the flat. “You haven’t been with anyone in a long time. You deserve to be happy, Spencer. And I know you love Tom, so go after him.” I look at her for a moment before smiling.
“I’ll be back soon,” I tell her and she shrugs.
“No rush,” she said, shutting the door behind me.

I quickly run down the stairs and outside, looking around to find him. He can't have got that far away, right? I run down the street in the direction he probably would have gone if he were heading home. Soon enough, I see him in the distance and speed up. “Tom!” I call just before he crosses the road and he stops and turns, a frown on his face.
“What?” he asks when I catch up to him.
“I love you,” I say, still out of breath but not even caring. Tom’s eyes widen and his lips part in surprise but he doesn’t say anything. “I love you so much. I’m so sorry I was such a… I was just, freaked out I guess. I mean, Kelly left Lexi and I and it hurt like hell. And I didn’t even feel for her anything close to what I feel for you. I guess, I’m scared. I don’t want to risk being with someone like that just to have them run again. I’m really sorry that I tried to push you away and…I know I hurt you. But…I don’t think I can handle not having you in my life. I need you, Tom. I love you.” I look at Tom, finally able to catch my breath, and bite my lip. Tom’s shock gradually morphs into a smile and I let out a breath I don’t realise I’m holding.
“I love you, Spencer,” he says softly. He immediately wraps his arms around me and places his lips on mine, kissing me lovingly and passionately. I wrap my arms around his neck and hold myself to him closely. I had been worried that it might feel strange kissing Tom considering how long we’d been friends, but it doesn’t. It feels so, so right.
“Will you please come back to mine?” I whisper, taking his hand. I never want to let go.
“Yes,” he smiles, pecking my lips once more and squeezing my hand. I smile and we walk slowly back to my building.

When I open the door, Carley appears and smiles happily. “That didn’t take too long,” she says and I smile and nod.
“Spencer knew just what to say,” Tom says and I grin and squeeze his hand.
“Right, well, I’ll get going then,” Carley smiles.
“Oh, wait, let me pay you first,” I say, finding my wallet and giving her more than she’d earned because she’d prompted me to go after Tom.
“I’ll see you soon,” Carley smiles before leaving the flat.

I turn to Tom and smile softly before leading him into the living room. We sit on the sofa, both in silence. Tom wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me close to his side and then lowers his lips to mine. I eagerly return the kiss, moving my hand to rest on his jaw. Soon, I move to straddle his lap as our kiss deepens. “I’ve been wanting this for so long,” I whisper. I can hardly even remember why I’d denied myself for the last few months.
“Me, too,” Tom whispers. “From the moment I first saw you.” I start kissing him again but have to pull away when I run out of breath. I rest my forehead on his for a moment before pulling back and sitting on his lap. I run my fingers through his hair gently and can't help but smile. After a minute or so, though, I sigh and bite my lip.
“Tom,” I say softly. “I…you know that, if you have a relationship with me, Lexi is part of the deal. I mean, she’s-“
“Hey,” he says softly. “Stop trying to push me away. I’m here. I know Lexi comes right along with you, I’ve known that from the start, obviously. And I love that little girl nearly as much as I love you.” I smile softly and rest my head on his chest. Tom sighs deeply after a pause and I pull back to look at him.
“What?” I whisper, looking into his smiling eyes.
“You were definitely worth the wait,” he says and I roll my eyes as I grin. I lean back down to kiss him and I know, without a doubt, that Tom is right for me. He knows what he’s getting into and he seems happy to do so. And I know he’ll be great for Lexi both in the short term and long term – he’ll be able to help her with homework much more than I can. Maybe even one day, she’ll come to think of him as her dad, too. I smile softly at the thought, even though that was a way off yet.
“Thank you for waiting,” I whisper, kissing him once more.