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Lily's P.O.V.

We separated after what felt like an eternity pressed together. He blinked and watched me, monitoring me. I was conflicted. I wanted more, so much more, but yet I didn’t. After what Matt had done to me all those years ago, I was terrified. But I had been drinking with Zak, and there was a chance that was fuelling my need for him in that moment. My heart was screaming yes while my head was screaming no and it was another battle fought for the age old war.

I crumbled against him. His name came out as a broken whisper between my lips. “Z-Zak…” My hand slipped down his side, landing on his thigh. My forehead rested against his shoulder. His body heat was travelling through the thin fabric of his shirt but I felt sickly cold. His hands caressed my arms and neck as he thought of something to say. But he said nothing to me.

I dared to lift my face back up so I could look at him. His neck was bent downward and the tip of his nose brushed mine as I looked up. Again I felt an overbearing want wash over my entire body and I gripped his pants and shirt in my hands, urging him closer. He brushed his forehead against mine, hesitantly moving in. But when I felt the warmth of his breath on my urgent lips the desperate need vanished and I felt cold and conflicted again. I pulled away from him and stood up on shaky legs that threatened to give out on me. All I could think was I need some air.

“No,” I whispered, “I can’t.”

I pushed open the patio doors and stepped out onto the small balcony. I gripped the railing in my hands and leaned over, gulping in the chilled night air. I didn’t want him to follow me outside, but I knew he would. So I wasn’t very surprised when I felt his presence behind me.

“Lily…” His tongue caressed my name in such a way that it should’ve been a sin to even hear it. He was begging me to explain, to give in to him, to do anything other than just stand here with my back to him. He wanted me just like I wanted him, only he was more sure of himself. Zak was always more sure of himself.

I didn’t want him doing that. I didn’t want him begging me, urging me. I wanted him to go home like this never happened. I wanted to forget how bad I was wanting it. I wanted to forget the chemical feelings throughout my body, like hands gripping me a little too tightly. The remnants of a past disaster were fighting against what I wanted most. My memories didn’t want me to have Zak.

“Don’t,” I pleaded. I couldn’t turn to look at him. I could only picture his face, contorted in puzzlement at my actions.

I heard his shoes swipe against the cement of the balcony floor, like he was changing his stance. He let out a single breath and I feared he’d speak my name again.

“Lily,” I cringed when he said it, “why not?”

It stumped me. Why not? Why shouldn’t I run to him? Why shouldn’t I let this man, who has been there for me over the past few months no matter what, take me in his arms and keep me there? Why couldn’t I find my safety in Zak tonight? Why shouldn’t I even try to look for it? Well, I didn’t really have to look for it. I knew Zak was my safety; I’d known for awhile now. But still I hesitated when he called out to me, and why? The ghosts of Matt’s fingers, bludgeoning me, slicing into me with a razorblade touch, still haunted me. They kept me at a healthy distance from Zak. And I knew Zak was tired of that. I knew he wanted to close that distance but I was the only one with the ability to do so. And I needed to do it sooner or later, tipsy or not. I couldn’t live this way forever and he wouldn’t stick around and wait for the rest of his life. I wasn’t that special.

I turned around, still using the railing to hold me up. He was standing only a couple feet away in the doorway. His stance said he wasn’t going to leave for anything, but his face was almost sad, pleading. His eyes were puzzled and unsure and his mouth was a frown that shouldn’t be there. Just as I thought it would, seeing Zak changed something inside of me. The overwhelming desire had returned and I refused to ignore it. The phantom fingers stroked my spine, bruising it, but I ignored them. I ran from them. I left them behind when I pushed away from the railing and hurdled straight into Zak’s arms while my lips crashed against his.

We stumbled back into the apartment together and he held me flush to his body. I knew he could feel it; the change that had overcome me. He could tell the distance between us was closed. Tonight, we were one person, one soul, spinning and falling in open air.

I kicked the patio door shut with a defiant click, locking all of my nightmares outside. Zak’s hands gripped my waist and his lips never really left mine. I spun us around and pulled him backwards towards the hallway while we continued kissing. For a brief moment he had me against the hall closet, taking me in. My fingers combed the fine hair at the back of his neck and he shivered delicately against my body. We continued down the dark hallway, stumbling and feeling our way to the bedroom. I pulled him inside my room and he fell backwards onto the mattress. He pulled me on top and started to kiss me again and I began to notice the more we kissed the more I needed him to be closer. My hands travelled his body aimlessly. I just needed to touch him. I needed to know this wasn’t just another torturous nightmare that I’d awake from in a cold sweat. I was elated when I realized it wasn’t.

His hands massaged the backs of my thighs and my hips, holding me on his body tightly. His skull shaped belt buckle was biting into me so I pulled back just to get rid of it. I kissed his neck softly, trailing downwards. He breathed a very gentle moan. I could feel his heart racing in unison with mine against my chest through our clothes. His belt buckle clinked quietly as I pulled it apart and he raised his hips into mine so I could get it through all his belt loops. It landed on my floor with a heavy sound. We disregarded it completely.

And then Zak, controlling, bossy Zak, gently flipped us so he was hovering just above me. He kissed me, consumed me, and he didn’t want me to do anything more. He removed his own clothes as well as mine and kissed my skin. He kissed my scars, whether he could tell they were there or not, but I felt his lips on them anyway. He kissed and caressed all the spots on my body that had been bloodied and bruised once upon a time and I almost wanted to cry as he did it. He didn’t know it, but it was like he was healing me with his intimate touch. I felt better with everything he did to me. And when he looked down at me and whispered four words after it was all said and done, a single tear did slip out. Thankfully he kissed my throat right after he spoke and didn’t see it, but I felt it fall to my pillow. I held him to me and we fell asleep like that. As I was drifting farther into the unconscious, his four words lingered fresh in my mind, conjuring a smile onto my face.

“You are so beautiful.”