London Calling

*One Month Later*

Jen dug herself deeper into the comforter on her bed. She didn’t want to move. She didn’t want to do anything. She had turned off her phone and just generally ignored the outside world. The boys and her brothers had been calling her nonstop. Her mother and father were even trying to get her to talk to them apart from their weekly conversations. Zayn had yet to call her or even try to talk to her. It seemed he knew how deep in a hole he had put himself.

She just lied in her bed and let the world pass her by. She didn’t know what else to do. She just needed time to adjust to the idea that Zayn knew the truth. She had lost her anger about it a while ago. Now she was simply afraid of her first encounter with Zayn. She didn’t want him to act differently around her; she just wanted the normal Zayn she had met months ago. She craved the comfort of his embrace, his laid back and quiet nature. She knew Zayn could be protective if he had to, but he didn’t have to. The past was in the past and that’s where she wanted it to stay, not for him to bring it up by not letting them have any peace because of the past. She loved the fact that he didn’t treat her like she would break at any moment probably as much as the fact that he loved that she didn’t treat him like a famous boy band member.

Zayn was giving Jen the fresh start she needed. He and his friends had accepted her into their circle and continuously showed how caring they all were. It wasn’t just their kindness towards her, it was their kindness to every single person they came into contact with. They were the first friends she had made on her own in a long time. She chose not to tell them what happened in her native country because it was painful, but also because she wanted her fresh start. She needed to know that the boys were so nice because they were good people. People she could depend on, not ones who felt sorry for her. She groaned and threw the covers off her as the doorbell rang for the millionth time in the last week.

*****

Zayn sat in the interview physically, but he wasn’t there. His thoughts were with Jen and wondering how she was doing. This was the longest stint since he met her that they hadn’t spoken to each other. He had been hoping to catch a glimpse of her at school, but she managed to avoid him at every turn. Jonathan had been calling him since Jen wouldn’t answer her phone. Zayn felt terrible about what he did. He had been overcome with so much temptation that he couldn’t resist and now he really wished he had been a stronger man. He would have to be for Jen.

She was fiercely independent, but he knew she just wanted someone to be strong for her sometimes. She was always convinced that she was the only one she could count on and he wanted to prove to her that people like her family and he would be there for her no matter what happened. That’s what he wanted; he wasn’t sure what she wanted anymore. He wanted her to need him more than anything. He wanted her to want to be with him, and the first step to that happening was to get her to forgive him. If only he knew how to get her to do that.

“Zayn!” Louis yelled in his ear.

He leaned as far away from Louis as he could while being squished on a couch with his five friends.

He sent the grinning Louis a glare and then asked, “What?”

The man interviewing them raised an eyebrow but repeated the question anyway, “Sources say you spent some of the college spring break in Chicago with Jennifer Toews, but she didn’t come back with you. Is there trouble in paradise and how does Perrie deal with you being so close to another woman?”

“I came back early to give Jen some time alone with her brother. Perrie and Jen are friends, it’s not like it has to be one or the other. They get on quite well,” Zayn answered. He had been answering a lot of questions about his personal life lately. He didn’t like to be the center of attention, but he supposed that’s what he got for doing what he loved. The interviewer seemed satisfied enough with the answer and quickly focused on other things to keep the tempo up and the interview interesting.

Zayn sighed with relief when the interview was finally over. He walked out of the radio station with his friends with his hands in the pockets of his khakis. He kept his head down as he made his way through the throng of fans slamming up to the barriers to try to get to the boys. He got into the van with Niall beside him in the bench seat. Taking out his phone, he checked it for the one name he cared about. He couldn’t help the hope that filled him as he looked at the screen of his iPhone and felt it all crash down just as fast as it came. She hadn’t called or texted, not that he was all that surprised. He supposed he deserved to suffer because he had broken her trust.

Niall clapped him on the shoulder, seeming to read his mind, “She’ll come around mate. Just give her a little more time.”

“I don’t know how much longer I can give her space. I just need to know she is okay.”

“Why don’t I stop at her flat later and see if I can soften her up?” Niall offered.

Zayn sighed again and ran a hand through his hair, “I just need her to talk to me.”

“And she will, just wait a little longer.”

When Zayn reached his flat, the building manager, dressed in a suit, had called him over to get a package that was left for him. He was handed a small cardboard box that looked big enough to hold a few books. Thanking the elderly manager he made his way into the elevator that the boys were holding and stepped in with them. The rode silently up until they reached Zayn’s floor. They all entered his flat seemingly to decide they needed to know what was in the package as well. Zayn sat on his couch as the boys crowded around him. The return address was from America. When he saw it was from Jonathan he hurriedly took his keys out and ripped the tape off and opened the box. In it was about a dozen college ruled notebooks of all colors. On top of a red one was a note from someone that had barely legible printing. It said:

Zayn,
Since you know, I think it’s only right that you get a glimpse of who she was before the incident. She’s been through a lot but her writing remains beautiful as ever. You know who she truly is and that’s what she wants you to continue to see and I hope these will help you to do just that.
Jonathan

“Oh yeah giving me a bunch of her writing is going to make her forgive me in no time,” Zayn said sarcastically as he crumpled the note in his hands. “Now what am I supposed to do with a bunch of contraband notebooks?” he asked no one in particular.

“Go give them back to her, so she knows you made a mistake and you won’t do it again,” Harry suggested.

Zayn shot him a skeptical look, “I’m just supposed to sell her brother out now?”

Harry shrugged and replied, “There’s a better chance of her forgiving him than her forgiving you.”

Zayn pinched the bridge of his nose, frustrated and Liam patted him on the shoulder. “She’ll appreciate the gesture, mate. The words aren’t as important as the gesture.”

Louis messed up Zayn’s quiff and added, “You’ll win her over, you have to or you’re out of the band.”

“Gee thanks. You lot staying here until I get back or are you going somewhere else?”

“Oh we are waiting for the girl talk definitely,” Louis decided and the boys nodded their consent.

Zayn took the box and made his way out of the apartment and to Jen’s apartment.

*****

Jen opened the door to reveal a tired looking Zayn who was holding a cardboard box in his hands. His eyes were darker than normal and they were exceptionally bloodshot. He was in a black polo with long sleeves and dark khakis. He had on black Nikes to complete the look. “Uh,” she stuttered and then mentally slapped herself. After a month apart from him and now she was resorted to acting like a love sick fan that couldn’t speak in front of him.

She was more relieved than anything to see him standing there. She hadn’t wanted their friendship to end for good, but she couldn’t bring herself to break the silence between them. She was a coward, plain and simple. How were you supposed to approach the only person outside of your family that knew the darkest secret in your past? She certainly didn’t know and she wasn’t about to wing it until she had some semblance of a clue. She just wanted to forget he even knew the truth.

“Sorry to bother you, but your brother wanted me to invade more of your privacy. I learned my lesson the first time, so here you go.” He held the box away from his body.

She stepped closer and peered inside. She immediately recognized her old tattered notebooks. She looked up into his eyes and he had the most genuine expression on his face. She didn’t doubt that he was telling the truth. She had seen how guilty he could get and he was the epitome of calm at the moment. This was so like Jonathan, he couldn’t keep to his own business when Jen was involved. He was great, until he had his nose too far into her business. Of course she knew who sent them, no one else could have.

She opened her door wider and stepped aside, “Come in. The sooner I talk about this, the sooner I can go back to pretending it never happened. Keep those because I think it’s time you had a look at them anyway. You let me see your art and you should get to see mine.” She led him to the couch they sat facing one another. It didn’t last long though because Jen got up to pace back in forth in front of the coffee table. “A few friends and I were out for the night in Canada. My brothers were in season and Jonathan had just won his home opener. My mom and dad didn’t see a problem with it because it was the weekend and we hadn’t been drinking while we watched the game. We were dancing in this club when Jon called me. Obviously I couldn’t hear him in the building, so I went outside to talk to him. We weren’t going to stay on the phone long; he was going out with the boys to celebrate as well.”

She looked up at him with tears starting to form in her brown eyes. She had to pause before she got to this part of the story. It was just too painful to tell in one fell swoop without collecting herself in the process. “One of Jon’s old OHL teammates was outside with me. I didn’t even notice I was just too happy with how great the Blackhawks played. He came up behind me and put a knife to my throat. He took the phone and told Jonathan to ‘say goodbye to his little bitch of a sister.’ He made Jon listen while I screamed and pleaded with him to stop. He made Jon listen to him hit me until I stopped protesting. He narrated the whole fucking encounter so Jon would know exactly what he was doing to me. He got off so hard knowing the pain he was causing to my family because it was Jon that got drafted, not him. He didn’t blame himself because he wasn’t good enough. No, he blamed Jonathan for getting in his way and the best way to get to Jon was apparently through me.”

She sat on the couch then, physically exhausted from having to tell this story. Zayn put a comforting hand on her shoulder, but she was too lost in the memories to acknowledge him. “I stayed on the ground until the police found me. They took me to a hospital and did a rape kit. They tried to flush all his shit out of my body but it wasn’t good enough. The nurses weren’t thorough enough and I didn’t want to take Plan B because I just couldn’t believe that I had been deflowered and might be pregnant. It wasn’t hard to feel. I was so sore and he wasn’t a gentleman or anything. He was about fast and hard, so it was more painful for me. Mentally I was already having trouble coming to grips with the fact that I wasn’t a virgin any longer.”

A tear slipped down her pale cheek and she hastily wiped it away, “Soon I found out that I was pregnant. I didn’t leave my bed before this, but I started to eat and take better care of myself in order to keep my child healthy. I made peace with what happened to me because of my child. I may have been put through hell, but it wasn’t the baby’s fault. He was the one good thing that came out of it. I was determined to give this baby a good home and love him as much as I could. He may have been the result of a terrible night, but he didn’t deserve my hate, he deserved a loving mom. I pretty much lived for the baby’s sake for five months after that. He gave me peace and I loved him for that.”

A sob escaped her lips and more tears slipped down her face and she had to wait a few minutes before her voice was steady enough to continue. “I had so much stomach pain that day that I couldn’t get out of bed. I hadn’t been neglecting my family or staying in bed all day because I wanted to have a healthy baby and that involved me exercising and not being lazy. I should have known something was wrong and gone to the doctor, but I was in so much pain that I couldn’t think straight. I felt something running down my legs and I thought my water broke. I was so scared because it was so early. I knew that something was wrong; I felt it in my bones. David was home to visit for a break and he heard me screaming for him. We tried to get to the hospital, but by that time there was so much blood. I knew I just knew that my baby hadn’t survived. It was just the sinking feeling you get when you know something bad happened.”

“The doctor had confirmed my fears, my baby boy was dead,” she told him with a shaky voice. Zayn took her hand in his and rubbed soothing circles into the back with his thumb. “I didn’t know how to cope. My approach isn’t the healthiest because blocking it from my mind with such intensity leaves me vulnerable to panic attacks when I can’t suppress the memories.”

She was silent for a few moments, lost in her thoughts until Zayn’s soft voice broke through her reverie, “Why would you ever get into my car with a total stranger?”

“You were so nice and I thought that if I could prove to myself that not all men were out to hurt me that I could finally get on with my life. I could barely leave our apartment in Chicago without fearing the worst. Jon had requested that I move to America with him to give me some new scenery and so he could watch out for me again, but he figured after two years I needed some unconventional therapy so he shipped me here to gain my independence back and to get on with my life. I wanted to prove to myself that I could trust someone outside of my family again. You seemed like the perfect candidate because even from the moment I met you, I just felt relieved and calm in your presence. I just had a feeling that you were the person I could trust to help me,” she told him with a teary smile and a hand on his stubble ridden cheek.

He took that hand from his face and held it in his as well. “I’m so glad I met you Jen. You deserve to be happy after all this shit and I am honored that I can help you heal.”

“You’re the best thing to happen to me in a while. I could never stay angry with you. I wasn’t angry with you; I just don’t want you to be any different with me. I need you to act normal around me because that helps me more than you know. I don’t need pity; I have enough of that for myself. I need a friend that can help me find myself again.”

Zayn smiled, “Duly noted. The boys are at my flat waiting for dinner, do you want to catch a film with us there and have a sleepover?”

“I would love that very much.”