Inside Out

“You did WHAT?”

A soft sigh slipped past my lips as I scooted up my bed to get comfortable on the pillows. “I kind of pulled a hit and run on John without the hit?”

Mike groaned on the other end of the line. “B. I don't want to hear about your sex life – or lack thereof, whatever – but seriously?”

I bit my lip as I pulled my knees to my chest. “I kind of freaked out when I woke up so I like walked around the corner and then called Felicia, you know, that girl I was friends with in high school? She totally owed me. But yeah now I'm at mom and dad's and I'm kind of freaking the fuck out.”

“Hold the phone,” my brother exclaimed, “you called in a favor to someone you haven't spoken to in years? That's... fuck, Bren. You're gonna make me come home one of these weekends just to check on you at this rate.”

“Oh screw off,” I sighed, rubbing at my forehead. He was right though. It was serious and I was in way over my head. “I don't know why I called your dumb ass.”

“Me either,” Mike grumbled. “It's ass o'clock. So the better question is, why did I answer?”

Rolling my eyes, I pulled my phone away from my ear and hit the button for speaker phone. “Go back to bed loser. I'll keep you updated.”

As soon as I was off the phone I tossed it to the end of the bed and rolled to my side for the fetal position. It was stupid and I regretted it as soon as it was done but I couldn't turn back. Instead I called an old friend and got a ride home. I ran way because of embarrassment and now all I could do was feel embarrassment that I got embarrassed. But how else was I supposed to react?

Sighing, I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to think about not thinking. It didn't work; as soon as my eyes were closed I was back in John's bedroom. We were laughing as we rolled around on his bed, his hands roaming my body while he tickled me and my limbs flailing as I tried to get him to stop. It was a pleasant morning. An amazing morning, really. I woke up freak-out free, made him surprise pancakes, and woke him up with a kiss. It was so overwhelmingly domestic and so... natural.

That segued into more kissing which lead to tickling which led to kissing which led to kissing again. But then suddenly Matt Moulson was there and I was falling off the bed in just an old t-shirt of John's and I was mortified. I was going to skip class and spend the day in bed with him – he said he had no plans. But then Matt was there and they were supposed to get breakfast and go to a movie and I couldn't handle it. I grabbed my pants, slid into my shoes and I got the hell out of dodge.

And now I was withering in embarrassment for reacting that way. But how else could I react. I was in bed with the guy of my dreams, wearing only his old t-shirt, and my favorite hockey player just happened to walk in. That was some kind of dream scenario except in the dream the third man in doesn't stand there and try not to laugh. He definitely does not do that.

Groaning, I stretched out and rolled onto my stomach. My mind told me to roll over, to get up and get ready to head back to NYU. But my body was saying no, it was screaming for me to stay exactly where I was and wallow in my self pity. It told me to throw myself a little party, to maybe get up and make brownies or cookies and ignore everything else for the next twenty-four hours. It was stupid and unrealistic but avoidance is helpful. If you avoid something long enough it has to go away, right?

My phone beeped down by my feet. I wanted to ignore it but I couldn't. Using my feet, I curled my toes around my phone and pulled it up to where I could grab it with minimal movement. As soon as I had it in my clutches, I let out a breath and made it light up. It wasn't what I was expecting but it made my stomach knot just the same. There was a text waiting from me but not from a number I recognized.

Hey it's Matt Moulson. Just wanted to apologize for this morning. Johnny's one of my best friends but I still should have knocked. Sorry if I embarrassed you but don't take it out on JT. He's really got a thing for you.

I let out a shaky, stuttering breath and pulled my finger across the text to open it. Before I could think better of it, I tapped out a quick reply. It's okay. I shouldn't have reacted like that.

My phone was ringing almost immediately after. John's name lit up my screen and I hesitantly slid my finger across the bottom to answer.

“Hi,” I squeaked as I rolled over onto my back.

“So you can answer his texts but not mine?” He sounded faintly amused but I could still hear the hurt buried underneath.

Scrubbing a hand over my face, I sighed. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left like that but I totally freaked out. I mean, we weren't even doing anything really like... you know? But I just...” I trailed off, frustrated with myself when I couldn't find the right words.

“I know,” John replied softly. “I kind of get it, I guess. I don't like it but I get it.”

I couldn't blame him for that but it still stung a little. Sometimes I ran hot and cold – Mike told me so not too long ago. Sometimes I was a confident vixen. Sometimes I hated who I was looking at in the mirror. I could be so confident one minute and the next a socially awkward turtle. It was frustrating but I couldn't figure out how to get it under control. Especially around a guy like John who made my heart flutter and my knees weak in all those stupid cliches.

“Well... thanks, I guess,” I replied in an equally soft voice. “I should probably go though. I have to get back to the city.”

Silence greeted me and for a moment I wondered if I was hung up on. Then something rustled on the other end of the line and I let out a soft breath of relief.

“Okay,” John sighed. “Talk to you later, Brenna.”

As we hung up I couldn't help but wonder if that was the last conversation I'd ever have with John. It held a note of finality that made me want to call back and beg for forgiveness but I couldn't bring myself to do so. Instead, I dropped my phone on the bed and rolled out. I didn't want to but I really needed to get back to NYU.