Wasted Nights

I simply threw a light gray sweater over my shorts and shirt and grabbed my purse, headed out to meet Zack and everyone else outside. Just as I was about to leave, the guys decided to take notice of my existence.

"Yo, Nikstar, where are you going?" Jaime asked.

"Just out for drinks with All Time Low guys," I said, looking at myself in the mirror and fixing my hair.

As I looked at myself in the mirror I saw Vic's head snap up and look at me, our eyes met in the mirror for a second before he broke his glance. I tucked a stray strand of my hair on to the right side of my head and walked away, not bothering saying goodbye. God, I really need to get drunk, I thought as I walked over to the spot where Zack said we'd meet.

"Hey, you alright?" he asked, as I walked up to him.

I shook my head, "Don't wanna talk about it..."

"You will," he said, smirking, putting his arm around me as we walked down the street together.

Boy, was he right. All it took was three rum and cokes and it was like Zack was suddenly my long-lost best friend, or something. I was simply blurting out everything with no regard for whether or not it would have any repercussions. I had held so much of it in, trying to be respectful, trying to not speak ill of Vic, trying to seem like I was above it all. Suddenly, all the strings came undone. Zack simply sat and listened to me, as we had secluded ourselves in this little corner of the cozy pub, away from all the noise.

"Okay, so after she came out for the San Diego date, that's when everything changed?" he asked, looking a bit confused.

In my bout of verbal emotional diarrhea, I seemed to have muddled up the story a bit. So, I took a deep breath and started up again, "Yeah, she came to see Vic. Mike had warned me to watch out for her, and that maybe they would get back to each other because they had unresolved feelings between them. I-I didn't really know what to think, but-" I put my head in my hands, "God, I'm so stupid. He totally started withdrawing from me the second Stephanie got in touch with him again, I should've known..."

Zack rubbed my back, consolingly, "Hey, there's no way you could have known, don't think about what you could have done when you made no mistakes. Tell me what happened next."

"Well, then she just took him from right under me, that's it." I said, abruptly.

"I'm sure it was a little more elaborate than that..."

I sighed, "Yeah, well, one day I just sort of sat Vic down and asked him straight-up if he had feelings for her still, or if she did for him and he told me that apparently she had confronted him and told him that she still loved him. He had held off and not responded to her because he wanted to break up with me first."

"Wow...that's harsh..." Zack said, sounding at a loss for words.

"You know when you watch movies and there's this epic love between two people? But somehow they get ripped apart and move on to other people? Then in the end of the movie they find each other again? And everyone's so happy because good old Jimmy and Karen, or whoever the fuck, ended up together?"

"Mhmm," Zack nodded.

"Well, what about the people they dumped in order to get back to each other? No one ever cares about those people, do they?"

"Don't say that, I'm sure he cares..."

I snorted, "He really doesn't, Zack. He really, really does not. He hasn't had the balls to look me in the eyes since it happened for longer than two seconds, let alone converse with me."

"Well, maybe he feels guilty, for leaving you."

"If he cared enough to feel guilty he wouldn't have done what he did," I snapped.

"Look, it's not that he didn't love you, Niki, it's just that-"

"He loved her more," I interjected, dryly.

"Well, yeah...maybe...I mean, I don't know. He could have just gotten swept up in the heat of the moment. This whole 'reunion' with your old lover thing always seems more rosy than how it turns out to be."

"What do you mean?" I asked him, wondering if he had a story behind his claim.

He looked down at his hands, folded neatly on the dirty wooden table, "People don't really change, Niki, they just age. The same old issues will crop up again, and if it was enough to split them apart once, it is bound to happen again."

"Is that something you learned from personal experience?" I asked, feeling as if he sort of owed me a bit of insight into his life, after all I'd just told him.

He smiled, very slightly, "There might have been this girl, coincidentally her name was Karen," he said, looking at me with a twinkle in his eye, "I remembered 'cause you mentioned it."

"Oh, I'm sorry!" I apologized.

"Nah, there's no way you could have known," he replied, still smiling at me in a certain way.

"Well," I said, not trying to seem intrusive, but still wanting to get something out of him, "What about Karen?"

"It turns out I wasn't her Jimmy," he said, matter-of-factly, "She might have broken my heart a few years ago, but that's all a vague memory now. The pain fades, Niki. Trust me. It's not easy, or fun, or enjoyable, but it makes you a better person."

"So everyone tells me," I said, taking a huge sip of my drink.

Two hours later, me and Zack were walking towards the lot where the buses were parked. It was still somewhat alive, a few people were ambling around here and there, but for the most part it seemed as if all the bands were asleep on their respective buses. Weird, I thought, looking down at my phone to check the time.

"Oh, shit, Zack," I said, as he held me by the waist very firmly. "It's 4:30 A.M." I said, beginning to giggle.

Zack smiled down at me, "Yeah, hey, where's your bus, Niki? I forgot where you guys park..."

I looked around at the sea of silver buses around us, glistening in the moonlight, "I don't know, Zack...I don't know..."

"Right," he said, redirecting us as he guided me carefully towards the right.

"Where are we going?"

"You're going to sleep on our bus tonight, I can't figure out where your bus is and it's too late to call someone, just crash with us," he said.

When we reached the All Time Low bus, there were a few dim lights on. Jack was up watching a movie, but everyone else was asleep. He waved at us and pointed towards an empty bunk for me. Zack guided me into the bunk and put me in it, removing my boots and pulling a blanket over me.

"Night, dude," he called, messing my hair up.

I grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him back, "Thanks for tonight, Zack. You're such a great friend," I said, slurring a bit.

"Any time, Niki," he replied, "Goodnight."

The next morning I was awoken by the strange sound of activity around the bus. I could hear a coffee machine brewing coffee, I could hear deep male voices conversing, with the occasional high-pitched scream, I could hear the dim sounds of some sort of T.V. show playing.

"What the-" I grumbled, grabbing my phone from under the unfamiliar pillow beneath me to check the time. It was 09:30.

I sighed in relief, I had tons of time to report for duty. I rolled over on my back and stretched my body out, cracking my toes and fingers. I had had such a peaceful night's sleep. I quite liked being on this bus, maybe I liked it more than being on our bus. It didn't even feel like "our" bus anymore, I thought grimly, it felt like their bus that I was intruding on to every day and night. It weirdly felt like I was back in Freshmen year of high school again, I was back to being overlooked and unwanted and abused and I hated the feeling.

I hated those couple of years of my life and I absolutely refused to feel like that anymore. Not after what Zack had told me last night. If this was going to make me a better person, that transformation was going to happen right now. I was not going to mope around and wait for it to happen. I have friends, whether or not they happen to be the guys that I live and tour with. If they could toss me aside and pretend like we weren't close anymore, then I could do just the same. I had learned enough in life to know not to overstay my welcome where I'm unwanted or to bend over backwards for people.

Feeling this new, almost scary, sense of confidence, vigil and vigor, I tied my hair up and plopped out of bed. Grabbing my cowboy boots in my hand, I walked bare-foot towards the other side of the bus.

Alex whistled, "Look who's looking fine in last night's clothes, doing a little walk of shame, are we?" he joked.

I laughed, "I forgot where our bus was parked last night cause I was so gone, so I just crashed here, I hope you guys don't mind."

All the guys shrugged and said no, I smiled and told them I was going to go clean up and check-in with the guys.

"Bye, you," Alex called, as I shut the door behind me.

Just to see how horrible my sense of reason is when I'm drunk I kept track of how many buses away the Pierce The Veil bus was from the All Time Low one, and it was literally only three buses behind it. I laughed at myself and shook my head as I opened the door and walked in. I stopped dead in my tracks as I noticed two sets of eyes staring very intently at me.

Figuring they would just ignore me, I started to walk past them, when Vic pulled me back by my arm. I was surprised he was cool with touching my bare skin when he didn't think it fit to speak two words to me.

"Where the fuck have you been all night?!" he yelled, his face contorted with anger.

I took a step back for a second, absolutely confused, "Wha-"

"Dude, I don't think you realize that we are responsible for you and for your well-being, or at the very least, we have to ensure that you don't get raped or killed," Mike added, getting up from his chair and towering over me.

What the fuck was this? They go months without so much as talking to me and suddenly they have the right to go all fatherly on my ass?

"Calm down, you guys, I was just with Zack..."

"Don't tell us to calm down, Niki. This is so stupid and uncool of you," Vic continued, somehow sounding even more angry.

I threw my hands up in the air, "I fucking told you I was going with them. If you cared so much you could have called one of them, or me. Oh, that's right, calling me would entail actually talking to me, which you obviously have no intentions of doing."

"So, do me a favor, alright? You all can go ahead and ignore me and cast me aside like you've been doing for the past few months but don't you dare think you have the right to be protective of me anymore, or give a shit what I'm up to. You've lost that privilege," I yelled into both Vic and Mike's faces.

They both blinked in silence for a few seconds, I didn't bother waiting for them to reply. Instead I turned on my heel and walked towards the back of the bus. I grabbed a change of clean underwear, a bra and a sundress, slipping into the shower. Oddly enough, I felt really light, just how mom had promised. It felt good to unburden myself. I smiled slightly as the warm water enveloped my face. I was free again.