Wasted Nights

"So, what happens now?" Tony asked me, as I curled up on the grass beside him.

We were sitting outdoors at a venue, at night, drinking and talking randomly. It was one of those rare candid moments that really solidify any friendship.

I shrugged, "Now...we move on. It'll hurt, it will sting to see him kiss someone else, or gush over someone else, but we'll do it because we love each other enough to not lose each other," I answered.

Tony whistled, "That's some complicated shit, right there, Niki."

"As is my life," I snorted, sarcasticslly.

"You just need to know what a score you are, dude," Tony said, suddenly turning to face me.

"Hmm?" I asked.

"Just know your worth, alright? I know you've had two really bad experiences back to back, with Jeff and then with Vic, I really hope it doesn't affect you too much," he said.

"It has and it will, but it's alright. I guess picking up the pieces and moving on is the point of life," I said, quietly.

"Yeah, you'll be stronger on the other side of this," he said, clapping my back and resting his hand there.

"I just wanna get to the other fucking side, already," I said, laughing in that sad way, "This side kinda blows, Tony."

"The grass is always gree-"

"If you use a euphemism with me, this conversation is over," I joked.

"I was trying to lighten the mood," he said.

"You're a good friend, dude. The random talks and all...you've really made it so much easier for me these past few weeks," I said, smiling up at him in the dim distant light of neighboring streetlights.

"You'd do the same for me," he said, simply.

"Hopefully I won't ever have to," I said, "Cause this is hellish."

He squeezed my shoulder, reassuringly, "Hang in there, dude. And fucking sleep for a change, you've become a total skeleton."

"How'd you know I haven't been sleeping?"

"I hear you scurrying around in the middle of the night, and you have huge bags under your eyes," he said.

I laughed, "Yeah, dude, yeah...It's a work in progress."

I didn't know how to explain to Tony that I couldn't sleep these past few nights because I felt absolutely worthless. I would wake up in the middle of a night's slumber to the weirdest thoughts about how I was never good enough for Jeff, or for Vic and how everyone I have ever loved has always left me behind. That would lead me into further depressive thoughts until I was back to thinking about my childhood and that brought back memories of my father, which was never good. It had been years since I had thought about those nightmarish childhood memories with such severity and introspection. The farther I delved, the more I hated myself.

I was this weird, calloused person that couldn't possibly be loved. Who would care about my well-being if my own father didn't? People didn't think twice before hurting me and that was just something that hurt me more every time it happened, no matter how much I tried to anticipate it. Especially with Vic, I had this almost blind faith that he would never, ever do me wrong. When that fell flat it sort of just diminished any hope I had that I could possibly have a healthy, fruitful relationship. Maybe I didn't show it, especially not when I was around him...but he had certainly left me as this hollowed out, jaded version of who I was. Sure, I could still be obnoxious and loud and funny and hang out with the guys with no qualms, but the facade only made me that much more exhausted at the end of the day. I was so exhausted, that I couldn't possibly sleep.

I didn't know how I could possibly tell Tony all of that, so I didn't. I just silently sipped my drink and hoped the conversation would take a turn towards another topic.

But he was insistent- "You know we rarely get to be alone like this. You may as well tell me what's been eating you," he said.

"Here's the thing, dude. I'm pretty fucked up right now. It's bad, but I think I'm doing a good job of keeping it in check, I just...I don't know how much longer I can continue this way, though," I said, deciding to tell him something that I had been holding back for the longest time.

"What do you mean?"

"I-I think I want to quit my job," I said, mumbling.

"As in...you want to leave us?" he asked, as if I could still be on tour with them as a meaningless appendage if I wasn't working for them.

"Well, yeah, quitting would mean leaving you guys," I said, patiently.

"What? Why? I mean, what are you going to do?"

"You do know I went to college right? And I didn't major in 'Merch Girl' and 'How to fend off insistent fangirls'," I joked, "I have a degree in Finance...I'm sure I could get placed somewhere."

"The economy's horrible right now, so I would hold on to what you have," Tony said.

"If I can't get a job I'll crash on a friend's couch. I'll be back home so I can just couch-hop until I get a job," I said.

"You've put a lot of thought into this?" he asked, looking a bit offended.

"I mean, yeah, I kind of have. I- uh, I have this job interview lined up..."

"When is it?"

I bit my lip, suddenly realizing that this conversation was going to turn as sour as milk on a hot day. I really wished I hadn't told Tony that I planned on leaving.

"When is it?" he asked again, forcefully this time.

"It's on Saturday, Tony," I said quietly, not looking his face.

"Fuck...dude that's three days from now!" he yelled, suddenly getting on his feet and staring down at me.

I got up, too, not sure what standing would do to change the situation or this conversation.

"How could you not tell us sooner?" he asked. "This is so fucking unfair, Niki! And who's going to replace you? It's not like we have a substitute merch girl on hold-"

"Great, Tony. I tour with you guys for two god damned years and when I wanna leave the only thing you care about is who's going to replace me," I snapped. "You know what? I'm glad I'm leaving. In fact, I think I'll go pack up right now. I know the guys are out right now, but I think it's better this way. I'm just going to take my shit and leave."

"Stop being idiotic," Tony said, pulling my arm, "You can't do that, just listen to me-"

"Let me go, Tony," I said, feeling tears fall down my face. "It's better this way."