The Opportunity Has Just Begun
I Don't Know How To Deal With This Life
Trying to think straight in a big empty house isn’t empty. Sid was off doing some media stuff and I was stick at home doing nothing while my brain went on one of its wild tangents.
How was I going to keep myself out of this? I didn’t want to get dragged into the middle of everything with these guys, I just wanted to do my own thing. That was how I had been throughout high school and college and it worked out fine.
I gave up and opted for sleep because lately that was all I had been doing. Having an afternoon nap was the best thing since sliced bread and I was taking full advantage of my free time.
Though my nap turned into more than just a nap. I was out like a light and not planning on waking for anything except when Sid came in angry that I was going to ruin my sleeping routine.
“I don’t have one,” I argued sitting up feeling completely overwhelmed.
“Well maybe you should get one. You have been asleep all afternoon, it’s 7 o’clock.”
“Sid just relax,” I climbed out of bed and followed him downstairs wondering what was going on.
“I can’t relax,” he turned around, “you’re the rookie. I get it’s hard for you but it’s hard for me too.”
“What?” I frowned as he sat down on the stool by the bench.
“It’s my job as the captain to make sure you’re ok and the fact that you live with me has an added responsibility.”
“What are you on about?”
“Geno told me about lunch today.”
“Oh really?” I clenched my fists feeling the anger rise in my chest, “and what exactly did he tell you?” I lent up against the kitchen bench.
“He said that you were with Brandon, that you were getting close with him,” he threw his hands around in the air before stopping realizing I wasn’t having a bar of it and confusion covered his features, “what?”
“Geno lies. I don’t know what he exactly said and I don’t care but yeah I was talking to Brandon, yes we were sitting together in the booth, yes he was close but it was cramped, so what?”
I folded my arms across my chest waiting for him to say something but he had nothing. He was getting angry at me for nothing and I wasn’t about to wait around for him to say anything either.
“God it’s like all you people have some kind of axe to grind with me around here,” I stormed off into the lounge room.
I hated being different already. I used to be able to deal with it in college, it was no big deal. At least then I was back home, I had my family and friends but here I was no one.
I huffed in frustration letting the tears role down my cheek; I couldn’t fight with the one person who really cared around here.
“Sid…” I walked into the dining room to find him slumped over in a chair at the table.
“I am sorry,” I started as I sat down at a chair next to him feeling a lot guiltier rather than I was angry, “I just don’t know how to deal with it all.”
“This life if hard,” he continued to stare at his hands, “but you shouldn’t have to say sorry, I should and Geno.”
“It’s fine Sid, really? I’ve just been feeling kind of home sick and it was just nice to have someone to talk to. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Good.”
If there was one thing I had gotten used to with Sid it was the uncomfortable silences but this one I knew I needed to do something about.
“How do you do it?”
“Do what?” he cleared his throat.
“Deal with all the pressure.”
“You don’t,” he chuckled, “there’s no way to just deal with it.”
“Well I don’t know what to do,” I slumped into my chair, “I want to keep my personal life away from my hockey life. I don’t want to hang out with the guys and let them get the wrong idea. I don’t want to have another fight like this with you.”
“We won’t fight. I know how hard it all is being in the spotlight and sometimes you just want to get away from it, that’s exactly what you have to do.”
“But how?” I sat up finally getting something out of him.
“Just tell them you don’t want to. I know they were pestering you today but if you ever want to use me as an excuse do it, I don’t care. They already rip me enough about my lack of social skills.”
“I don’t want to make excuses though, I want to be doing something else,” I sighed, “back home in college I was a big part of the team, working with freshman, helping the girls teams, part time stuff with kids, you name it, I did it.”
“So what is stopping you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Look,” he put his hand on my shoulder, “you have to figure out what kind of person you want to be, what kind of player you want to be and be it. Don’t let the guys dictate who you are, ok?”
“Ok,” I nodded.
“If anything happens just let me know… now how about dinner?”
“Sounds good,” I managed a smile feeling a little more open and relieved knowing Sid was by my side no matter what.
How was I going to keep myself out of this? I didn’t want to get dragged into the middle of everything with these guys, I just wanted to do my own thing. That was how I had been throughout high school and college and it worked out fine.
I gave up and opted for sleep because lately that was all I had been doing. Having an afternoon nap was the best thing since sliced bread and I was taking full advantage of my free time.
Though my nap turned into more than just a nap. I was out like a light and not planning on waking for anything except when Sid came in angry that I was going to ruin my sleeping routine.
“I don’t have one,” I argued sitting up feeling completely overwhelmed.
“Well maybe you should get one. You have been asleep all afternoon, it’s 7 o’clock.”
“Sid just relax,” I climbed out of bed and followed him downstairs wondering what was going on.
“I can’t relax,” he turned around, “you’re the rookie. I get it’s hard for you but it’s hard for me too.”
“What?” I frowned as he sat down on the stool by the bench.
“It’s my job as the captain to make sure you’re ok and the fact that you live with me has an added responsibility.”
“What are you on about?”
“Geno told me about lunch today.”
“Oh really?” I clenched my fists feeling the anger rise in my chest, “and what exactly did he tell you?” I lent up against the kitchen bench.
“He said that you were with Brandon, that you were getting close with him,” he threw his hands around in the air before stopping realizing I wasn’t having a bar of it and confusion covered his features, “what?”
“Geno lies. I don’t know what he exactly said and I don’t care but yeah I was talking to Brandon, yes we were sitting together in the booth, yes he was close but it was cramped, so what?”
I folded my arms across my chest waiting for him to say something but he had nothing. He was getting angry at me for nothing and I wasn’t about to wait around for him to say anything either.
“God it’s like all you people have some kind of axe to grind with me around here,” I stormed off into the lounge room.
I hated being different already. I used to be able to deal with it in college, it was no big deal. At least then I was back home, I had my family and friends but here I was no one.
I huffed in frustration letting the tears role down my cheek; I couldn’t fight with the one person who really cared around here.
“Sid…” I walked into the dining room to find him slumped over in a chair at the table.
“I am sorry,” I started as I sat down at a chair next to him feeling a lot guiltier rather than I was angry, “I just don’t know how to deal with it all.”
“This life if hard,” he continued to stare at his hands, “but you shouldn’t have to say sorry, I should and Geno.”
“It’s fine Sid, really? I’ve just been feeling kind of home sick and it was just nice to have someone to talk to. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Good.”
If there was one thing I had gotten used to with Sid it was the uncomfortable silences but this one I knew I needed to do something about.
“How do you do it?”
“Do what?” he cleared his throat.
“Deal with all the pressure.”
“You don’t,” he chuckled, “there’s no way to just deal with it.”
“Well I don’t know what to do,” I slumped into my chair, “I want to keep my personal life away from my hockey life. I don’t want to hang out with the guys and let them get the wrong idea. I don’t want to have another fight like this with you.”
“We won’t fight. I know how hard it all is being in the spotlight and sometimes you just want to get away from it, that’s exactly what you have to do.”
“But how?” I sat up finally getting something out of him.
“Just tell them you don’t want to. I know they were pestering you today but if you ever want to use me as an excuse do it, I don’t care. They already rip me enough about my lack of social skills.”
“I don’t want to make excuses though, I want to be doing something else,” I sighed, “back home in college I was a big part of the team, working with freshman, helping the girls teams, part time stuff with kids, you name it, I did it.”
“So what is stopping you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Look,” he put his hand on my shoulder, “you have to figure out what kind of person you want to be, what kind of player you want to be and be it. Don’t let the guys dictate who you are, ok?”
“Ok,” I nodded.
“If anything happens just let me know… now how about dinner?”
“Sounds good,” I managed a smile feeling a little more open and relieved knowing Sid was by my side no matter what.