I See the Moon Only

I collapsed down onto my knees in front of the slab of granite. My light denim jeans now darkening from the freshly placed dirt, now turned mud from the soft patter of rain that was cascading down.
"How could you do this to yourself? You bastard! How could you leave me like this!?" I realise this isnt how I should be talking towards a dead person (or shouting in this case), but I couldnt help it. He left me, alone in a world that was already darker than it was with him here, stuck without my shining light. He dissapeared at the worst possible time and I was just exploding with emotions. Anger,sadness helplessness, emptiness, pity (towards myself), god the list couldve gone on. Every emotion was flooding through my veins, everything except happiness but its not like Im missing out on anything. I havent felt true happiness in what feels like years, and I'm sure it has been years. I raised my head with tears streaming down my face to glance at the carvings in the stone. "Corban Matthew Bateman. Beloved Son and friend. You shall forever be missed." I laughed aloud sarcastically, the idea of forever is absurd and the thought that anyone could even be remembered for it is even more so. Corban would be turning in his grave if he knew the last sentence in his gravestone. He hates the ideas people come up with, like the idea of forver ... well he did hate it, not anymore.
I miss his blone hair that used to fall over his right eye and that occasionally was dyed electric blue or a deep purple. It was always staightened to perfection and pushed across his face. His hair was beautiful, I'm not going to lie. I miss his piercing green eyes that I could easily catch from across the room. His smooth almost-translucent skin. His strong jawline and cheekbones. He looked like a model, he was pure gorgeousness and he was smart. Using words like hence and whom.
He always used to get the attention of a room, all pairs of eyes staring in our direction as soon as he stepped in.
"They're staring at you, ya know. You always say they stare at me, but its you. It always has been you." He would always say. It always seemed like he was talking about something more than just the people staring, but I guess I'll never figure out what.
I glanced a peek behind my shoulder to make sure nobody was around, the graveyard was*dead* empty, if you catch my drift, god my humour needed working on, and I really need to get the timing of my jokes right.
"Hey Cor, I thought it was about time I visit you, Im uhh sorry that I didnt come to your funeral, I just ... couldn't. I just couldnt do it because..." I ran my fingers through my long wavy hair anxiously, catching and occasional knot and tugging my fingers through.
"I just couldnt see your face, without seeing the life in it, seeing it like that once was enough." I sat there crosslegged on his grave for a few minutes in silence, staring blankly at the numerous bundles of flowers on his grave.
"So uhh, I brought that letter you left, I found it yesterday and I though we could read it together, so erm, here we go." I pulled out the crinkled white paper and opened it.
"Dear Everybody and Anybody who wishes to delve into the writing I have left behind. You may find this before you find me or vise versa, do not be frightened. Im sure you can already tell what this note is about if you really cared about me to ever ask 'how I was doing' or 'if I was okay',which I always replied to with the same old "Suicidal, but living on I guess".
I am dying slowly, yet it is so painful, feeling my life crumbling away second by second, piece by piece. Crumbling away not in a blaze of fire like how I would want it, but from small cracks caused by the suffering I am forced to endure.
This world is a goddamn filthy place full of hate and disgust. How could anyone see beauty in it? How anyone could see beauty withing me is even more incomprehendible. I am ugly, covered in scars and bitterly sarcastic. I am a pessimist and an amazing one at that. I want to speed up my death, so that is what Im doing.

Im flying away with a rope being my key
tied to perfection
and strung up
i can finally step off and be
over.

Im a burden, as I am constantly told. Ugly, fag, fat, emo, discusting, stupid, gay, homo, all of the many things I have been called. I believe every part of those words, they are true in every sense. I am at breaking point and I am done.
My mother, you have been ever so kind to me my whole life, but distant. I feel as though I could never come to you for guidance, please do not blame yourself for not helping me while you could, i am broken, unfixable.
My Father, you are a bastard, a dickhead, a contolling fuckwit. You hurt my mother, brother and I more times than I can count and I hope my mother can gather the courage to get away from your abusing fat ass. You can blame yourself for my peril for all I care, douche.
My brother, Im sorry I couldnt protect you better, i tried, i really did. I just pray you dont follow in my footsteps, it would be a shame for such a gifted child to go to waste, you have many a talent, do not waste them, let them develope.
My outer family, thank you for being around, but you were never there. All is okay though, do not plague yourself with sadness from my passing.
And lastly, My dearest Jessamine. You have always been an angel in my life, a light. Words cannot discribe your purity. You have helped me for so long but I am pass the point of no return, you gave me three more years of life with actual happiness involved, so I thank you but all I ask of you is this. Move on and live to your potential, you have so much of it. Find your way, find your happiness, its in your grasp so long as you try. ♡
Goodbye
P.s
Jessamine,
I will be your angel,
Goodbye for the last time,
Corban ×××"

I knew he felt this way, if I he hadnt of told me I still would've known. I didnt help him, I didnt save him, I let him slip away from my grasp. Hes gone.
The realisation of his absence sunk in then, hitting me down and making me collapse down onto my stomach like someone had actually pushed me .
Occasional Tears dripped onto the page below me and soon enough it turned into a constant stream.
I screamed aloud and crawled helplessly towards Corbans headstone, the tears blurred my eye sight. The rain was torrential now, falling down in waterfalls and soaking everything in its path, including me. My jeans and singlet were soaked through, clinging to my now shaking body. I was Frozen to the core from the icy droplets that were plummeting down, goosebump erupted over my skin as the shaking became violent and a eruption of profanities escaped my trembling lips.
"I'M SORRY COR! I SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE, I-I'M SO SORRY, ITS MY FAULT. ITS MY FAULT. ITS ALL MY FAULT. I COULD'VE HELPED YOU! I FUCKED UP AND IM SORRY. I NEED YOU! I CANT- I JUST..." A scream shattered around me. My scream. "I NEED YOU! COR!"
My crying became a string of long heart wrenching screams. My hair whipped into my face and stuck there with every scream that shook my small frame.
I began heaving and coughing, sputtering and inhailing with a rattle. My head became light and dizzy, the world becoming a blurred mess of greys and greens. I was unable to hold myself up, my arms too weak to hold on, surrendered and gave out from under me. My face smashed into the mud and before I knew it, the world had dissapeared behind my eyelids, everything dissolving into a fine, inky, black darkness. I had had a mental breakdown and an anxiety attack, a dangerous duo.
I had blacked out.