Say Those Three Little Words

April 18th, 2009

Most of the time, Life is a dick. Whenever you feel like things are finally looking up, Life decides to provide that one sudden curve into hell. I don’t know if it’s because humankind has pissed it off or if Life is just one of those obnoxious cunts that thrives on your misery, but either way a good situation gets turned into a bad one, and eventually that bad one turns even worse.

Every single time.

But sometimes, Life takes pity on you and decides to give you something good for a change. The sun peeks out from behind the rain clouds, rainbows appear in the sky, and once again things are good.

Until Life gets bored of it and sends us on another spiral downwards.

But I don’t want to think about that. I just want to live with the few blessings I have — some type of comfort with mum’s death, and a new apartment that I share with Josh. Things are going great, and I’m going to hold on to that for as long as possible.

It was late at night when Oli finished writing. The world was silent, save for a gust of wind that brushed branches against the window every once in a while. Oli glanced over at the sleeping teenager, the subtle glow from the beside lamp throwing streaks of light across his face.

His mouth was open, drool beginning to pool on the pillow, and his hair stuck out in all sorts of directions. He was the most beautiful person Oli has ever seen, and he thought about how lucky he was to have him.

He turned off the lamp and adjusted himself underneath the covers.

After they returned from Providence, a familiar letter was sitting inside their mailbox. Oli was happy, albeit a bit confused, to see his grandmother’s elegant handwriting sprawled over the envelope. He opened it eagerly, and gasped when he pulled out almost two thousand dollars in cash.

His grandmother left a simple little note. It told him that, a day after he was born, his mother gave the elder woman 50 pounds and told her to keep it safe until the younger’s death. Every year, his mother would give another 50.

She wanted to make sure you were prepared. The note had said. Even if she was drunk most of the time and not the best mother, she still saw to you.

The first thing that Oli wanted to do was to pay back the Mansfields for letting him stay with them. They declined, saying it was no trouble at all, but Oli was persistent and left about $200 in the glove compartment of the Malibu.

The next was to find his own place. After a couple days of searching, he found an apartment close by with cheap rent and the basic utilities. He jumped on the offer, although Josh was less than thrilled about the idea.

“I kinda liked you here, y’know.” Josh had muttered, resting his head against Oli’s shoulder. “Actually, it was one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me…I mean, it sounds dumb, but I don’t want you to leave.”

Oli chuckled, earning a confused glance from the teenager. He shook his head. “It’s just that… I said the same thing at the beginning of our relationship… ‘member? It was like… almost a week after.”

“Yeah.” Josh said, a small smile on his lips. “It sucked as much back then, too.”

Oli had nodded, his face twisted in thought. He wasn’t sure if the question he was going to ask would bring unwanted tension. He didn’t want Josh to think the relationship was going too fast and become even more uncomfortable with it, but at the same time, he didn’t want to be away from the boy. He cared so much about him.

As it turned out, he didn’t need to worry. Reliving the memory, he wrapped an arm around Josh and pulled him closer. He kissed the back of his neck and whispered goodnight against his skin.



By the time they finished unpacking and had everything set up just how they wanted, it was around 8PM the next day. Oli flopped on to the couch and sighed, his muscles aching from lifting and moving heavy furniture.

Josh was standing in the far corner, next to the bedroom door. He was putting up a picture frame with a concentrated look on his face, stepping back occasionally to judge how it looked.

Oli never realized it before, but Josh was kind of a perfectionist when it came to placement. He hated it when things were crooked or didn’t fit in with the area. Usually the 22 year old would be annoyed, but instead he found it kind of endearing.

When he was satisfied, Josh joined his boyfriend on the couch. He slipped his hand into Oli’s out of habit, and together, they gave the apartment a final once-over. “Wow. This is-” Oli started.

“-absolutely perfect.” Josh finished, winking at the older male.

Oli nodded, smiling to himself. He felt kind of strange having his own place for the first time; no parental oversight or having to follow rules. Now, he had his own rules and that felt absolutely amazing. He looked over at Josh, the co-owner, the one who agreed to take the role of 'housewife' until he finishes school. He was so grateful that the kid wanted to move in with him, although he still wasn't sure about their status. I guess this would be a good time to find out, huh?

"Hey, can I ask you something?"

Josh glanced over at him. "Sure. What's up?"

"Why were you so uncomfortable when we were at your grandparents' house? I mean... when we were talking about relationships and all..."

Josh sighed and leaned against the back of the couch. He closed his eyes, briefly, before looking back at his boyfriend. "I just... the way he talked about it. When he first met you, he said you were my first romance. That's just... awkward.

"I mean, I like you and all, but love? The whole concept of it scares and confuses me. I can't see myself with one person for the rest of my life, y'know? Eventually they'll get tired of me and leave or the other way around."

Oli nodded, acting like he understood when really he actually was in love. The realization is scary at first, he admitted, but after while you see that it's one of the greatest feelings ever. Most of the time. Not if the other person didn't feel the same.

Josh's words kind of stung him, and he tried to shake it off, but it was like they were seared into his heart and brain. He kept his face stoic, not allowing Josh to see how much it actually hurt him.

It's just 'cause of his past. He reminded himself. He's been left all his life and he thinks that's gonna happen with me. I wish I could show him that it's not. I'm not leaving someone so perfect.

A nagging feeling appeared in the back of his mind. What if he gets tired of me ? What if he realized that I'm not good enough for him?

Josh squeezed his hand before letting it go and getting up. "I think I'm gonna run to the store, alright? Get a few groceries."

"Alright." Oli smiled half-heartedly, still reeling from the thoughts in his head. He pulled some money out of his pocket and handed it to the teenager. "I'll look for a job or something."

Josh leaned down and lightly pressed their lips together. Oli kissed back, pouting when it didn't last as long as he would've liked. Josh laughed, kissed him again, and left the apartment.