Say Those Three Little Words

*TRIGGER WARNING: Thoughts of/Attempted Suicide*

When Oli came home from work, later than usual on a Monday afternoon, he expected Josh to be at the kitchen table doing homework or watching TV, like usual. What he saw instead both caught him off guard and upset him.

Josh was sprawled across the couch, flipping through an upside down magazine. The stench of whiskey was in the entire room. Oli frowned, memories of when he was younger flashing across his mind, and tossed his stuff to the floor.

The teenager looked up and shot him a toothy grin. “Hey, babe."

“Hey… what did you do all day?"

Josh sat up, tossing the magazine to the floor. He gripped the back of the couch to keep himself from falling and giggled. “Hung out with Travis. He brought over some booze. Hope you don’t mind. I’ll clean any mess in the morning."

Oli nodded slowly and took off his jacket. He draped it over the arm of the couch, giving Josh what he hoped was an emotionless expression. “That’s… cool."

Josh’s eyebrows furrowed in concern. He could always tell when something was bothering his boyfriend, even when drunk. He didn’t think Oli would tell him, he never did, but part of him was hoping that this time would be different. “What’s wrong?"

“Nothing." Oli shrugged. “I’m fine."

“No you’re not. I can tell when you’re upset." He looked down and threaded his fingers together. Of course he won’t tell me.

Oli shrugged again, not wanting to talk about his childhood and especially not with a drunk Josh. They stayed silent for awhile, neither of them wanting to move from their position. Oli could feel the tension slowly rising and had a gut feeling he wasn’t going to like the next few hours.

“How come you never tell me anything?" Josh asked suddenly. He looked up at Oli with somber eyes, the alcohol running in his system giving him the confidence to ask the question that's been bugging him for weeks. “You know all there is to know about me, but I don’t know anything before high school… d-do you not trust me?"

“Of course I trust you." Oli replied, sitting beside the intoxicated teenager. “I-I just… I don’t exactly have the best childhood and prefer not to relive it."

“You think I wanted to relive mine? No. But I did it anyways, for you . Because you wanted to know what was going on." Josh scoffed, the anger slowly building. “I’ve tried and I’ve tried to get to know you, but you kept shutting me out."

“Josh…"

“Shut up, Sykes, unless the next few words out of your mouth is the answer to my question." The spite in his voice caught Oli off guard, and he slowly got up from the couch. Josh glared at him with his arms crossed over his chest. “Tell me, please. What’s wrong?"

“I-I… I can’t tell you…"

“And why not?"

“Because I just can’t, Josh!" Oli shouted, although it was mostly out of frustration. He knew he should tell him, but he didn’t know if he was strong enough to break the steel cage in his heart that housed all of his darkest memories. “N-Not yet. I’m not ready. Listen, you’re drunk. Let’s just talk about this in the morning, okay?"

He went over and grabbed Josh’s arm, who quickly pushed him off. The teenager stood on his own, wavering a little although the glare remained the same. “No! We’re talking about this now. Stop. Running. From. Me."

“I promise I’ll tell you everything in the morning…"

“Yeah, that’s what you said last time." The teenager seethed, jabbing a finger in his direction. His voice rose the longer he went on. “And the time before that… and the time before that. Then the morning comes and guess what, you’re not ready. I tried to be patient with you, Sykes. I tried. But it’s wearing thin really quickly and I don’t know how much longer I can wait. If you think-"

“STOP." Oli finally exploded. He grabbed Josh’s wrist, making sure it wasn’t hard enough to hurt him but enough to stop him from moving. The last thing he wanted was to end up like his father. “Just stop! I’m not strong enough to talk about my past yet, okay? Quit pushing me!"

Josh stared at him with an even gaze, head cocked to one side. He began to sway again, but Oli was too upset and exhausted to help him back to the couch. “You don’t really care about me, do you? Abigal was right. You’re all the same…"

“No, that’s not true. I do care about you. More than anything."

“Stop. You’re lying to me." He lowered his gaze, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. Part of him was glad he got drunk earlier that afternoon. He could finally say everything that he was feeling. However, the other part knew that he wouldn’t have reacted this intensely if he was sober. “If you cared, you would’ve told me instead of making me think that I was so unimportant to you…"

“I didn’t know you were feeling that way. You are important to me and I don’t want to lose you." His voice dropped to a whisper and he lightly gripped Josh’s hands. He hated himself for causing this. He hated that he couldn’t man up and avoid this entire conversation. He especially hated that he made Josh feel so low.

“Oli, save it. You don’t have to lie anymore."

“You seriously think I’m lying?" Oli almost laughed at how untrue it was. This teenage boy captivated his heart from day one and he wished he knew how to make him see it. “This probably isn’t the best time to say this, but I’ve fallen for you. Josh, I love you."

Josh shook his head, a single tear cascading down his cheek. He couldn’t believe a word he’s hearing. Not now. Not ever. He’s only been hurt his entire life and the last time he heard ‘I love you’, the person left him.

He knew he should’ve shut Oli out months ago. He shouldn’t have gotten in this deep, because it was beginning to tear him apart.

“I’m serious. I l-"

“Don’t say it again." Josh muttered. He wretched his hands out of Oli’s grasp and crossed to the other side of the room.

The 22 year old looked down, face burning from the rejection. He hated himself even more now and should’ve known that Josh wasn’t ready for that, even if he was sober. Or maybe , part of his mind whispered, maybe he doesn't feel the same.

“I’m sorry, Josh." He whispered before leaving the apartment.

Josh turned just as the door clicked in place, and his head fell again. Just like I thought… they always leave.

He closed his eyes and slid to the floor. His thoughts were screaming at him, telling him how worthless and unlovable he was. He wanted to cry out, to scream, to do anything that would replace the numb feeling growing in his chest.

Since he was drunk, everything seemed ten times worse.

He felt like he just watched his family killed firsthand by someone he trusted. He felt like someone was tugging at him, pulling him underwater and laughing as he gasped for breath. His body felt weightless, and the fuzzy feeling in his mind blocked out all rational thought.

Josh sat like that for what seemed like forever, the feeling getting more and more intense as the hours passed. He lost the one person that kept him anchored to the world, who made him feel like life was actually worth living. His emotions mixed with the alcohol was pushing him past limits that he never came close to before.

There was only one thing he could think of to do to stop the dread spreading throughout his body.

He went into the bathroom and downed the first bottle of pills he grabbed. The teenager stared at the mirror with hatred in his eyes as he waited for the darkness to completely enclose him. After what could’ve been a few minutes or an hour, a thump reverberated throughout the quiet apartment as Josh’s body hit the floor.