Say Those Three Little Words

Ever since he could remember, Oli has always hated hospitals. The bleak, white walls, the overwhelming stench of cleaning product, the constant noise of someone getting sick or dying. It makes him realize that life isn’t as long as you’d like to think, and could be taken away at any second.

But he has never hated them as much as he hated them now. Sitting in one of those uncomfortable hospital chairs, he tightly gripped Josh’s hand and willed him to wake up. Ever since he found him on the bathroom floor after returning from his walk, he has held on to that hand every moment he could.

“Please don’t die on me, Josh. I need you." He whispered, staring at his boyfriend’s emotionless face. He knew that last night would be one he would never get out of his head. He still remembered the fight, the rejection that sent him over the edge, the fear and eventual distress when he saw Josh’s limp body.

This is all my fault. He thought. I should’ve told him… I should of told him before it got this bad. He wiped a tear away, looking up briefly when a nurse entered the room. “Hey, you’re up early."

"…I never fell asleep." Oli replied softly, shrugging. He was so glad that the hospital let him stay overnight. Of course, he had to lie and say he was Josh’s fiance, but that was minor details that no one really cares about. “I didn’t wanna leave his side, y’know? If I go to sleep, he might not be there when I wake up."

She smiled and checked Josh’s IV. “Yeah, that’s how I felt the days leading up to my husband’s death. I just wanted to stay awake in case he woke up… but of course he never did…"

The nurse blanched when she saw Oli’s horrified face and quickly held up her hands in defense. “I’m not saying that’s going to happen to your fiance, or anything. He’s going to wake up soon, I swear. The pills weren’t in his system that long."

Oli nodded, frowning a little. She laughed uncomfortably and left the room, satisfied that everything was still going smoothly. Oli returned his attention to Josh, and for the eighth time that morning he relived the most painful thing he ever had to experience.

"Josh… are you awake?" Oli whispered, quietly shutting the door. The house was quiet… a little too quiet. He checked the clock in the kitchen, 12:00AM. If he didn't drink, he would probably still be up right now, reading in their room.

An uneasy feeling settled in his stomach, and he crossed to their bedroom and peered in, confused and upset to find the room empty. The teenager was in no condition to be out, and Oli was about to leave the house to search for him when he noticed the bathroom light still on.

“Josh?" He whispered again, pushing open the door. It only opened a few inches before hitting something heavy, leaving a gap barely big enough for Oli to squeeze through. He peered in and screamed when he saw Josh, the pill bottle still laying in his palm.

The rest was all a blur. He remembered calling the police, frantically telling them that his boyfriend had overdosed. He remembered hearing the sirens and the EMTs pushing him out of the way to attend to the patient. He remembered begging (and doing a little lying) until they finally allowed him to get on the back of the ambulance with them.

He remembered crying a lot. He remembered wanting to commit suicide because, for a brief moment, he believed the teenager wouldn’t make it.

It was terrifying to him how he felt. The man who used to be disgusted at the sight of love, the man who got bored of people easily and was quick rid himself of them, the man who prefers to be alone , would rather die than live without this boy.

When he first saw him the week that the Mansfields came over, he thought he was this attractive bad boy he wanted to get to know. He never thought he would actually fall in love with him. He never thought he would be sitting by his bedside in a hospital, crying his eyes out and holding his hand and choosing to stay up in case he wakes up instead of sleeping.

Another memory pressed against his mind, and he let himself relive it. His defenses were low, and whatever happened to him, he just let it happen. In a way, he felt like he deserved every ounce of pain he got for pushing Josh into attempting.

He was pacing around the waiting room, his hands twisted into his hair. The tears wouldn't stop coming even though he's been crying for about an hour. The other people in room watched him pace, some with disapproving glances, others with sympathy in their eyes. Oli paid no attention to him, his mind focused on the building guilt in the core of his stomach.

"This is all my fault." He mumbled, falling into one of the chairs and resting his elbows on his knees. "This is all my fault. If he dies, I'm jumping off the tallest building in this stupid place."

He thought about how the Mansfields would react if he died. They would be mad at him, probably never speak to him again. He doesn't blame them, though. He wouldn't be able to -- the only person at fault is himself.

He thought about Travis. Ever since Josh has met the kid, he stopped using drugs and alcohol as much. Instead of every day, it was only once or twice a week. Oli thought it was because someone actually took an interest in him, knowing that from what Josh has told him, the kid had been abandoned at a young age.

If Josh died, Travis would spiral downwards again. He'd probably sink into a deeper hole and get himself killed. OIi would then have two deaths on his hands; deaths that he could have easily prevented.

A slight pressure on his hand snapped him out of his thoughts, and he looked over at a now awake Josh. He widened his eyes, taking in Josh's confused glance, his small smile, the fact that he was alive and breathing and still here with him. “J-Josh?"

“Hey, babe."

Oli choked back a sob and nearly catapulted himself off the chair. He held the teenager close, sobbing into his shoulder and whispering about how he was so happy that Josh was alive.
The teenager became increasingly confused the more Oli talked, his head spinning from medication and the circumstance he was suddenly thrust in.

Not too long ago, he was just sharing a bottle of whiskey with his friend.

A nurse came in. "Good, you're awake. We're just going to check and see if you're fully stable and then you can go. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, it's fine." Josh whispered. He smiled over at Oli, who sat back in his seat as soon as she heard her come in. "You have a lot of explaining to do when we get home. I have never been so confused in my life."