Say Those Three Little Words

"So… what happened?"

They were sitting on the couch watching a movie when Josh asked the question. He curled up closer to Oli, and the elder’s arm noticeably tightened around him. He was dreading telling Josh what happened, and more so, he was dreading the teenager’s reaction.

“Can I tell you something first?" Oli asked quietly. Josh nodded, although he looked disappointed. “My mum… she was an alcoholic when I was younger. Actually, from when I was born to about 6 years old, I dont remember a single time she was sober. My grandmother basically raised me."

Josh leaned up so he was looking into Oli’s face. He was surprised, although happy, that he was finally gonna hear about Oli’s past. The 22 year old stared back at him. He didn’t break eye contact once as he continued the story, even when it became extremely difficult to maintain it.

“That’s why she and my dad divorced. They weren’t in love anyway. They only got married because she was pregnant with me… Well, my dad was pretty abusive. I remember staying up late at night when I was 3 or 4, listening to my parents scream at each other…. I didn’t understand what was going on. I just knew that the next day, mum would have more bruises and cuts then the day before.

“Apparently, when I was around 2 years old, my dad went on a business trip for a couple weeks. Mother went to a bar, got wasted, slept with this guy, and got pregnant with my little brother. What she didn’t know was that the guy was a drug addict. He came over one day to see his son while high and he… uh… killed him."

He was starting to shake. He only remembered bits and pieces of his first five years of life, but those bits and pieces were enough to remind him of the impact they had on the future. Those events was what led to his father flying to Rhode Island and killing his mom.

Josh leaned forward and touched their foreheads together. He brought a hand up and lightly caressed Oli’s cheek, wordlessly promising him that everything will be okay.

“T-That’s why my dad was there. He found the letter my mum wrote years ago and wanted to talk to her about it… he d-didn’t mean to…"

Josh softly connected their lips. He couldn’t imagine what it’d be like to live through that, seeing and hearing your parents arguing, seeing bruises cover your mother’s body, thinking you’re the reason why things are so terrible. His real parents rarely argued, and when they did, it was a petty argument that was quickly resolved.

He leaned back and smiled, wiping a stray tear from Oli’s face.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner." The elder whispered. “If I did… we wouldn’t have fought. And if that didn’t happen, you wouldn’t have attempted suicide…"

Josh’s eyes widened. Everything made sense to him now — why he woke up in a hospital, why Oli looked completely torn up, why as soon as they were outside the hospital, Oli held him tightly and didn’t let go.

He listened intently as Oli retold what happened that night. He was shaking harder than when he talked about his mother, although Josh was oblivious as to why. He didn’t know how much he meant to Oli. He didn’t know that he was the single most important person in his life.

Oli left out the part where he confessed his love for the teenager. He didn’t want to relive that rejection, especially now that Josh was sober and it would be 10x more painful.

When he was finished, he curled up against the arm of the couch, sobbing against Josh’s shoulder. Josh hugged him tightly, face grim and emotions a mess. Oli blamed himself, and in a way, Josh kinda did too. He wasn’t ever going to tell Oli that, though.

He tried to imagine life without Oli, and he realized he’d be so miserable that he would probably resort to suicide. It was scary to him, how much he actually needed the 22 year old in his life.

Butterflies erupted in his stomach, and a warm fuzzy feeling quickly followed. Oli is the reason he’s still anchored to the world. This man continues to save his life each day, and it wasn’t till now that he realized it.

He pushed Oli’s hair off his forehead and planted a kiss there. “It’s okay, babe." He murmured, running his hand to the hair on the nape of his boyfriend’s neck. “I’m still here, aren’t I?"

“Thank God for that." Oli breathed.



Later on that night, Josh stretched out across the mattress, watching as his boyfriend desperately searched for something. He wouldn’t say what, and when Josh questioned it, he just shook his head.

Although the teenager was kind of annoyed that Oli continued to hide things from him, he decided to just let it go. They made a breakthrough earlier that day, even if it took an attempted suicide to achieve it.

“Maybe I left it in the car…" Oli muttered. He quickly left the room.

Once the door was closed behind him, Josh noticed a beaten, brown journal barely sticking out from underneath the dresser. Could this be what he was looking for? He thought, picking it up and opening the first page. Oli’s messy handwriting jumped out at him, and the teenager realized it was kind of like a diary.

His conscience was telling him to put it down, let Oli tell him his inner thoughts at his own pace, if it all. But his curiosity got the best of him and he quickly flipped through the journal. There was an entry for every single day, starting with January 1st. Josh counted down the time with his inner clock, and he realized that was the day they met.

When he heard footsteps outside the door, he closed it and hid it underneath the blanket. Oli smiled sheepishly and got a pair of sweatpants from the closet.

He looked worried, maybe even a little bit scared. “I’m gonna take a shower. Clear my head." He said, leaving the room again.