Say Those Three Little Words

The only place that Oli liked in the entire house was his room. Not only because it was his own little private area to use his imagination or forget about all of his problems, but because it was the only room that was decorated.

The walls were painted a light shade of blue except for the fourth wall, the one directly across from the door. It was black with lyrics written all over it with white crayon in different shapes and sizes. Oli had spent the last few days creating his masterpiece, staying up late into the night to slowly put the words into place and planning them out in the grand scheme of things.

He was proud of his work, and judging by Josh’s reaction upon walking in, he was proud of it too.

Leaning against the wall were small bookshelves that were only about a foot high, crammed with books and DVDs. They were separated by category and organized in alphabetical order, the titles facing the outside, just like how Oli likes them to be.

A few feet away from the bookshelves was his bed, a full sized one with dark blue blankets and matching pillows. It was pushed against the left wall, and flanking each side was more shelving, these being black and about three feet high. One was crammed with CDs (organized like his other media outlets), the second with random trinkets that caught Oli’s attention at one point or another.

Across from the bed, on the right wall, was his closet and a dresser. A TV, DVD player, and a small cup was sitting atop the furnished wood, and the drawers were full of nothing more than underwear and random papers — mostly rejected song lyrics and job applications he never bothered to fill out. Sitting in between the closet and the dresser was a small CD player, shabby looking from its constant use.

Band posters were all over the walls, except for the black one, most of them being The Chariot, Pantera, and Architects. Nailed to his closet door was a dream catcher.

In one corner of the room sat Oli’s acoustic guitar on its little stand, the strap dangling casually to the side. Oli itched to play it, but he figured it’d be rude to do that when he had a guest over.

Josh gazed around the room with wide eyes. He thought about his room in the house across the street, and he was almost embarrassed to dwell in it. His room was plain and shabby compared to this one, and he figured that if the older man wasn’t a total cunt, he would definitely be around here more often.

“So yeah, this is my room.” Oli said softly, sweeping an arm out in an awkward gesture. He was getting uncomfortable with Josh’s silence, well, more uncomfortable than he already was. He stood in the doorway as Josh ventured inside. The 18 year old did a full 180 before slowly sinking on to the bed, his eyes focusing on the acoustic. “Whoa, you play guitar?”

“Yeah.” Oli blushed and went over to where his prized possession stood. He could feel Josh’s eyes on him and his blush only deepened. “Do you?”

“Nah, I want to though.” Josh replied, laying back on the bed, his legs swinging over the side. Oli marveled at how comfortable he was in a stranger’s home when Oli himself felt out of place.

“If you want, I could teach you…”

It was barely above a whisper, but Josh heard the comment anyways and his body jerked up. He slid to the ground and bounced on the balls of his feet, a lopsided grin planted on his face. “Really?!”

“Yeah.” Oli smiled, lifting the guitar off its stand and putting the strap over his body. Once it was in place, he grabbed a pick out of the cup on his dresser and walked over to where Josh was standing. He strummed once, casually, and Josh let out a squeal of delight.

“Oh, I’m sorry!” He said, seeing Oli’s perplexed look. “That was probably the girliest thing I’ve ever done… it’s just that… guitarists are so fucking awesome, dude.” His grin seemed to light up the entire room, and Oli felt himself mimicking it.

Sitting on the bed, he adjusted his guitar on his lap, making sure the strings sound right and tuning them when they don’t, as Josh sat beside him. He felt safer, more at ease with himself with the guitar in his hands, and as he was tuning, he found himself rambling to the kid.

“I got my first guitar when I was 14 years old, as a birthday present from my grandfather. It was an old one that only lasted for a year, but it was just long enough for me to get somewhat good at it,” He laughed softly, strumming again. “It was my escape from all the bullshit in my life, y’know? School sucked, and the only thing that made me feel better was coming home, locking myself in my room, and playing my guitar. Sometimes I’d play till my fingers started bleeding.”

“That can happen?” Josh asked. He was leaning forward like an eager little boy, his eyes flickering from the guitar to Oli as he spoke.

Oli smiled softly, playing a random chord. “Yeah, but you’d have to practice for hours straight without taking a break. It takes a lot to do that. Usually I couldn’t handle it, especially since I had the attention span of a preschooler up until I turned 20.”

“Wait, how old are you?”

Oli looked up from his little trance and gazed at Josh for the first time since speaking. He shrugged. “22. I hope that isn’t a problem.”

“No. Just… you don’t look that old.” Josh lifted one shoulder in response and smiled. “I thought you were my age.”

“I guess I’ll take that as a compliment.” Oli said, winking. He began to play again, just allowing his fingers to completely take over and lead him to the direction they wanted to go. He played with his eyes closed, lost in the beauty of the music and, eventually, he felt himself drifting away from all aspects of reality.

The only thing around was him and this guitar.

Although he wasn’t aware of it at the time, he began to sing. Josh had moved to sit on the floor in front of him, staring up at his swaying body with wide eyed amazement. He didn’t recognize the song and made a mental note to ask Oli what it was.

They sat like that for the duration of the entire song, Oli swaying back and forth and oblivious to the things around him, Josh watching his every move. The teenager decided that the older man couldn’t be a cunt. He was just so… awesome.

Oli took a couple deep breaths after he finished playing and opened his eyes, looking at Josh with half lidded satisfaction. He was still lost in his dream world, and was only brought down to reality by Josh’s words.

“Dude.” Josh breathed. He got on his knees and strummed the strings with the tip of his finger. “That was… I have no words… and your voice-”

“My voice?” Oli looked down at the guitar and back at Josh, eyebrows furrowed.

“Yeah. You were singing… didn’t you know?” Oli shook his head. Josh laughed — a perfect tone that Oli wanted to ingrain into his memory and hear over and over again — and sat back down. “Your voice… it was… amazing. I sing too. I mean, I’m not THAT good, but…”

“Lemme hear it.” He said, strumming the guitar again. “Sing anything.”

Josh shook his head, a blush beginning to settle on his cheeks. He has never sung in front of a person before, although his parents had probably heard him plenty of times, and he was scared of the reaction he’ll get.

The teenager has always been self conscious, but he tried to keep up a tough exterior when around other people. The last few years in his young life has taught him that doing otherwise would result in death. Singing in front of Oli would be like tearing down those barriers forever, at least for him, and he barely even knew the dude.

He shook his head again, hands clutched at his sides. Oli clucked his tongue and slid to the floor next to him, guitar still in tow. He strummed another random note and looked over at the teenager. “You don’t have to, Josh. I’m sure you’re amazing but if it’s bothering you so much…”

“It’s not really that it bothers me,” Josh said, voice barely above a whisper. “It’s just that… I barely know you and… I’ve never sang in front of others before… showing someone a piece of yourself makes you weak, and I can’t afford to be weak.”

“Who said it makes you weak?” Oli replied. “If you let someone in, you’ll only grow stronger, because you’ll learn from that person’s mistakes and failures. You’ll get support from that person, and sometimes support is the best thing to have in this world.

“I guess it depends on who you let in… and I’m not saying I’m a worthy candidate… but, y’know…” The 22 year old smiled sheepishly, his guitar euphoria quickly dying down. He got up and put the instrument back in its rightful spot.

He hated how his burst of confidence was shattered so quickly, dissolving back into the shy and socially awkward persona he had grown accustom to.

Josh was still sitting in the same position, although his hands relaxed and was now in his lap, the gears in his head quickly churning. He almost felt like he could trust the older male, and that thought alone scared him. He couldn’t trust. He couldn’t let someone in, especially a near stranger.

He was just the depressed/suicidal kid who everyone ends up getting tired of and leaving in the end. If someone else left… Josh didn’t know what he’d do. Probably go through what he’s been thinking about doing for years.

Trusting someone else leads to heart break. Josh had known that for years and always pushed people away when they got to close. Trust leads to destruction, and destruction leads to a bitter death.

The teenager couldn’t wrap his mind around as to why Oli wanted him to let someone in… unless…

He wants to destroy you.

Josh let out a strangled cry, his anger flaring and mixing with the sudden sadness he felt. He got up and whirled to face a perplexed Oli, his shoulders hunched and hands clenched into fists. He was going to destroy him before he can do the same. He was going to be the victor, just like always, and build another protective layer around his heart.

The 22 year old was not going to win — he couldn’t for the sake of Josh’s sanity, he simply couldn’t — and the teenager would make sure of it.

Before he could get a word out, a soft knock sounded on the door and Oli’s mom’s voice sounded through the wood. “Boys? I’ll be out for a few hours to do something for the class. I already ordered a pizza for you two and the money is on the kitchen counter. Oh, and Oli, there’s a letter for you. I think you know who it’s from.”

She walked away. Josh turned to look at Oli again, and was taken back by the huge grin on his face. It was one of the most beautiful smiles the teenager has ever seen. All his anger dissolved and his body relaxed, simply watching the older male cross to the door, open it, and step out into the hallway.

He began walking towards the stairs but stopped abruptly, looking at Josh, who was still standing in the middle of the room. “Well, you coming?” He said, smile widening.

Josh gulped, his thoughts a scrambled mess. He hated how Oli had such a major effect on him already. No one has been able to stop him before when he got angry, but all it took was a stupid smile and he suffered defeat.

A stupid, breathtaking, smile. But still, it’s a fucking smile.

Josh followed the older boy downstairs, not really wanting to know what else Oli had in his arsenal to break down the teenager’s barriers one by one, but at the same time, not really wanting to leave.

He didn’t know it at the time, but the first protective layer had already started peeling away, and rather quickly too.