Sequel: Love & Loneliness ›
Say Those Three Little Words
Chapter Eight
Three seconds.
That’s how long it took for Oli to realize that he wasn’t dreaming. That the feel of Josh’s lips against his own was real, the emotions coursing through his heart was real, that the guy he’s had a crush on since the first day had the same feelings was real.
In those three seconds, those mere fragments in the space of time, his mind exploded with thoughts — happy, completely blissful thoughts. Thoughts that almost never came to him without the demons on their tails, ready to tear apart the very fiber of his existence and turn him back into an emotionless robot.
Josh beginning to pull away was what brought Oli back to reality and into action. He reached a hand up and clasped it on the back of Josh’s neck, pushing him forward and reconnecting their lips. Josh made a noise of surprise but quickly settled into the kiss.
It felt so right, so natural . Their lips seemed to fit together in the sweet and innocent embrace. A flood of emotions overcame their bodies, and for a moment, they seemed to be one soul, one heart, and one person. In the split second that their lips were connected, both males felt a sense of security.
Oli pulled away, his eyes slowly opening. Josh smiled, and they maintained contact for a moment before the younger male lowered his head back on to the elder’s chest, biting his lip and rerunning the last few seconds in his mind.
Who knew such a short amount of time could make him feel so many things at once?
He knew he was now in dangerous and unfamiliar territory. Sure, he’s had crushes on his friends before, back in the UK, but none of them made him feel as complete and happy as Oli has. No one gave him the overwhelming urge to kiss them until he met the 22 year old, and for the first time in his life, he acted on instinct. No second guessing, no trying to talk himself out of it.
He just kissed another man, and by God, he didn’t regret it. He felt like he could take the risk and pursue a relationship with him.
I hope you know what you’re doing. Half of his mind, the half that housed the vortex of hate and despair, said. You’re giving him full power to hurt you. What are you going to do if he tells you he wants nothing to do with you to chase after some blonde bimbo? You’re gonna be heartbroken.
Oli tilted his head down a fraction to rest his chin against Josh’s hair and sighed happily. The negative thought was diminished.
They were silent for a moment, just listening to the sounds the other’s body makes and the far away sizzle of food being cooked.
“So, does that make us…” Oli whispered, gesturing between the two of them. “Y’know…”
“Official?” Josh interjected, lifting his head again. “Do you want to be?”
Oli smiled. “Honestly, that sounds like the best idea ever.”
Josh laughed, his cheeks turning crimson. He placed a quick kiss on Oli’s lips and pressed his reddened face into the crook of the elder’s neck. “You really need to stop being so… passionate about things like this. It’s making me blush.”
“Maybe I like seeing you turn red, love.” The elder whispered, earning another half choked laugh and some sputtering from the teenager. He chuckled. “Come on, let’s go get some breakfast. I’m starving!”
They were sitting across from each other at the kitchen table, breakfast eaten and a game of Pontoon placed in front of them, when Oli remembered the events of last night. As he watched Josh count the pennies into two equal piles for their third round, he thought about what must've happened, what this “Hannah” character has done to him, that made him the way he was. He wondered if the kid always had these nightmares and what the Mansfields have done to help him.
Josh looked up when he was done, his brow furrowing when he saw Oli’s sullen and almost pitying eyes on him. “What’s up?”
“Who’s Hannah?” He hoped and prayed to a God he didn’t believe in that her name wouldn’t set him off.
Josh leaned back in his chair, eyes still locked on to Oli’s but considerably darker as the memories flooded his mind. His bottom lip quivered. The elder reached over and grasped his hand, rubbing it and offering a comforting smile. A smile he hoped said I’m here for you.
Josh smiled back, weakly. He didn’t remember much about last night, besides asking to sleep with the 22 year old, and was scared Oli knew more than what he wanted him to know. “Just… my former babysitter. When I was 10 and 11…”
“What did you mean last night? When you said…” He paused, unsure if he was going too far, too fast. Josh’s gaze turned from nonchalance to fear in a matter of seconds and he looked off to the side. “When you said… you could still feel her on you.”
“Well, just…” Josh stuttered, looking into his eyes again with a pained expression. Oli got up from his seat and brought him into a hug. For some reason, it made Josh feel a tiny bit better. Fuck. What are you doing to me, Oliver? Why are you making me feel this way? “I-I… I don’t think… I can’t.”
“You can’t what?”
“Tell you.” Josh whispered hoarsely, overcome with emotion. He clung on to the other, trying to will the images out of his head. Oli was silent. He placed a kiss on his cheek, to let him know that he’s still there for him and will give him the time he needs. Josh nodded like he understood, pulling away and looking up with glistened eyes.
They returned to their game, but the atmosphere changed. Oli was worried and kept looking up tentatively at the teenager, while Josh was living in the darkness of his past. They were mostly silent, only talking when the game required them to.
Oli excused himself halfway through round five, saying he had to take a piss. He detoured to his room to grab his journal before reaching his destination, locking himself in the small room and sitting on the edge of the toilet seat.
March 1st, 2009
Whoever this “Hannah” person is, she did something horrible to Josh. She hurt him, probably more than I can imagine, and I fucking hate her for it. He didn’t deserve whatever she did. He’s absolutely perfect, beautiful inside and out, and seeing his eyes flood with pain makes me want to hurt the son of a bitch who caused it.
People like this make my skin crawl. Why on Earth do people hurt others? Most of all, why on Earth would they enjoy it? (Of course, I’m making an assumption here, but my gut tells me it’s accurate). What kind of a sick and twisted society do we actually fucking live in?
I’m making a promise to myself that if anyone messes with him again, I’ll kick their ass to the next fucking galaxy.
That’s how long it took for Oli to realize that he wasn’t dreaming. That the feel of Josh’s lips against his own was real, the emotions coursing through his heart was real, that the guy he’s had a crush on since the first day had the same feelings was real.
In those three seconds, those mere fragments in the space of time, his mind exploded with thoughts — happy, completely blissful thoughts. Thoughts that almost never came to him without the demons on their tails, ready to tear apart the very fiber of his existence and turn him back into an emotionless robot.
Josh beginning to pull away was what brought Oli back to reality and into action. He reached a hand up and clasped it on the back of Josh’s neck, pushing him forward and reconnecting their lips. Josh made a noise of surprise but quickly settled into the kiss.
It felt so right, so natural . Their lips seemed to fit together in the sweet and innocent embrace. A flood of emotions overcame their bodies, and for a moment, they seemed to be one soul, one heart, and one person. In the split second that their lips were connected, both males felt a sense of security.
Oli pulled away, his eyes slowly opening. Josh smiled, and they maintained contact for a moment before the younger male lowered his head back on to the elder’s chest, biting his lip and rerunning the last few seconds in his mind.
Who knew such a short amount of time could make him feel so many things at once?
He knew he was now in dangerous and unfamiliar territory. Sure, he’s had crushes on his friends before, back in the UK, but none of them made him feel as complete and happy as Oli has. No one gave him the overwhelming urge to kiss them until he met the 22 year old, and for the first time in his life, he acted on instinct. No second guessing, no trying to talk himself out of it.
He just kissed another man, and by God, he didn’t regret it. He felt like he could take the risk and pursue a relationship with him.
I hope you know what you’re doing. Half of his mind, the half that housed the vortex of hate and despair, said. You’re giving him full power to hurt you. What are you going to do if he tells you he wants nothing to do with you to chase after some blonde bimbo? You’re gonna be heartbroken.
Oli tilted his head down a fraction to rest his chin against Josh’s hair and sighed happily. The negative thought was diminished.
They were silent for a moment, just listening to the sounds the other’s body makes and the far away sizzle of food being cooked.
“So, does that make us…” Oli whispered, gesturing between the two of them. “Y’know…”
“Official?” Josh interjected, lifting his head again. “Do you want to be?”
Oli smiled. “Honestly, that sounds like the best idea ever.”
Josh laughed, his cheeks turning crimson. He placed a quick kiss on Oli’s lips and pressed his reddened face into the crook of the elder’s neck. “You really need to stop being so… passionate about things like this. It’s making me blush.”
“Maybe I like seeing you turn red, love.” The elder whispered, earning another half choked laugh and some sputtering from the teenager. He chuckled. “Come on, let’s go get some breakfast. I’m starving!”
~*~
They were sitting across from each other at the kitchen table, breakfast eaten and a game of Pontoon placed in front of them, when Oli remembered the events of last night. As he watched Josh count the pennies into two equal piles for their third round, he thought about what must've happened, what this “Hannah” character has done to him, that made him the way he was. He wondered if the kid always had these nightmares and what the Mansfields have done to help him.
Josh looked up when he was done, his brow furrowing when he saw Oli’s sullen and almost pitying eyes on him. “What’s up?”
“Who’s Hannah?” He hoped and prayed to a God he didn’t believe in that her name wouldn’t set him off.
Josh leaned back in his chair, eyes still locked on to Oli’s but considerably darker as the memories flooded his mind. His bottom lip quivered. The elder reached over and grasped his hand, rubbing it and offering a comforting smile. A smile he hoped said I’m here for you.
Josh smiled back, weakly. He didn’t remember much about last night, besides asking to sleep with the 22 year old, and was scared Oli knew more than what he wanted him to know. “Just… my former babysitter. When I was 10 and 11…”
“What did you mean last night? When you said…” He paused, unsure if he was going too far, too fast. Josh’s gaze turned from nonchalance to fear in a matter of seconds and he looked off to the side. “When you said… you could still feel her on you.”
“Well, just…” Josh stuttered, looking into his eyes again with a pained expression. Oli got up from his seat and brought him into a hug. For some reason, it made Josh feel a tiny bit better. Fuck. What are you doing to me, Oliver? Why are you making me feel this way? “I-I… I don’t think… I can’t.”
“You can’t what?”
“Tell you.” Josh whispered hoarsely, overcome with emotion. He clung on to the other, trying to will the images out of his head. Oli was silent. He placed a kiss on his cheek, to let him know that he’s still there for him and will give him the time he needs. Josh nodded like he understood, pulling away and looking up with glistened eyes.
They returned to their game, but the atmosphere changed. Oli was worried and kept looking up tentatively at the teenager, while Josh was living in the darkness of his past. They were mostly silent, only talking when the game required them to.
Oli excused himself halfway through round five, saying he had to take a piss. He detoured to his room to grab his journal before reaching his destination, locking himself in the small room and sitting on the edge of the toilet seat.
March 1st, 2009
Whoever this “Hannah” person is, she did something horrible to Josh. She hurt him, probably more than I can imagine, and I fucking hate her for it. He didn’t deserve whatever she did. He’s absolutely perfect, beautiful inside and out, and seeing his eyes flood with pain makes me want to hurt the son of a bitch who caused it.
People like this make my skin crawl. Why on Earth do people hurt others? Most of all, why on Earth would they enjoy it? (Of course, I’m making an assumption here, but my gut tells me it’s accurate). What kind of a sick and twisted society do we actually fucking live in?
I’m making a promise to myself that if anyone messes with him again, I’ll kick their ass to the next fucking galaxy.