I Don't Belong Here
who wrote holden caulfield?
There's a boy who fogs his world and now he's getting lazy
There's no motivation and frustration makes him crazy
He makes a plan to take a stand but always ends up sitting.
Someone help him up or he's gonna end up quitting
-Greenday, "Who Wrote Holden Caulfield?"
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September 1st, 1971
On the train to Hogwarts, Pete sits by himself. It seemed like even though he should have gotten a fresh start, nothing was going to change. The random group he sat with on the way across the lake chattered to each other, but barely seemed to notice he was in the boat with them at all, and he didn't know what to say. How to speak up. He still stuttered then, especially when he was nervous, even though he was trying so hard to break the habit. By the time he was part of the anxious line of first years, Pete felt disheartened. It looked like Hogwarts was going to be just like everywhere else. He'd be a Hufflepuff, he knew it, the house everybody cracked jokes at. His dad had been a Gryffindor - it was where he wanted to be but how could he end up there? By a miracle, maybe, but even that was a stretch.
But then his name is called. Shaking, he walks up, sits on the stool, and a hat that is clearly too big is promptly plopped down on his head. All Pete can see is darkness, and the sounds of the hall have been drowned out by an unconquerable silence that unnerves the eleven year-old:
"I see potential in you, the too-big-for-his-head hat told him, much to his surprise. It breaks the silence in two. Now where to put you? Potential is universal, you know...Ravenclaw won't do, oh no. Not that kind of potential. Hufflepuff won't challenge you at all." Peter breathed a sigh of relief at that. "Slytherin...not a complete impossibility. You've got the blood for it, you could do well there - fly under the radar. But no...that won't do, either. Gryffindor, maybe... His heart sped up in anticipation. Yes, Gryffindor could do you well. You just need the right encouragement, I think. A little appreciation. You are a good kid, with a good heart. Yes, I see it in you. The potential to be everything of it at its best. GRYFFINDOR!
At first, the encouragement and appreciation the Hat spoke of does not come. He falls into the crowd of Gryffindor first years quietly, watching everything - taking it in. He is a good and patient observer. Listening is easy...unlike boys he share a dorm with aren't like him at all. They seem so much cooler than Peter; two of them are loud and boisterous, and the other is more quiet, a little odd, but they seem to like him and he's still cooler than him. They aren't mean to him or anything, but for the most part they don't pay much attention to quiet little Peter Pettigrew. Except, that is, for James Potter, the boy with the glasses and the wild dark hair. James is...nice. Peter watches, that first week or two or so. And the more he watches, the more he admires the Potter boy. He just exudes this confidence that Pete is so jealous of. So happy, you know? He wants to be like that.
Meanwhile, as always, there are people who manage to single Pete out to tease. And also as always, he doesn't do a very good job standing up to them. He just isn't confident, cool, and happy like his dorm-mates. Instead, he is scared - what kind of Gryffindor is that? Pete feels so ashamed of himself for being frightened of the other students when they tease him. He sits and takes it quietly, like he always has, thumbs twiddling, trying not to be pathetic and cry. There must be something about him, he figures, that makes people treat him like this. He just isn't sure what it is. Is there some sign over his head that flashes the words "I'm an easy target!" or is it written into every part of his body?
James Potter goes from being just nice to Pete's idol when he decides to play hero one day, him and Sirius Black. In the face of older students, they stand up for him the way he doesn't know how to do for himself. And even though Pete gets the feeling that they find him a little annoying from time to time, they are kind to him. They try to be his friends and he is amazed that for some reason, a guy like James and his equally cool friends seem to take a shine to him. They take him under their wing, and for the first time, Pete feels like he actually has friend. Real friends. And not just any friends, either.
See, as the only child of a widow, Pete has never known what is is like to have brothers. He doesn't know what it is like to have friends who aren't his mother or who only keep him around to make fun of him. But this is different. They are different. He can't shake the feeling that they are his brothers - they accept each other. The boys certainly aren't a band of kids with perfect lives, you understand. Peter has a dead dad and so much inside of him that he can't be; Remus is a werewolf for fuck's sake (as they would all later find out); Sirius comes from a terrible family that hates him more and more each day; James is in love with a girl who hates his guts. They all have their own unique problems, and in some ways they are mismatched, but somehow it seems to work out anyway. Their dorm room becomes a sacred space, a place for secrets to be shared in confidence and memories made.
1st year, in the dormitory, James Potter makes them all swear they'll be best mates forever. 2nd year, in the dormitory, the three of them confront Remus about these monthly "visits to his mum" that happen to fall every month on the full moon. 3rd year, in the dormitory, Sirius the impenetrable bastion of emotion reveals what really goes on at his house, and James mentions "running away" for the first time. 4th year, in the dormitory, Peter tells everyone about his dad, which is hard for him, because he has to admit that he wants to be so much more than he is. 5th year, in the dormitory, the four of them work diligently, sometimes failing, to figure out this whole Animagus potion challenge. Remus reading from the book as James, Sirius, and Peter carefully stew the stolen ingredients and hide them under Sirius's bed during the day. In the dormitory, 6th year, they complete the Marauder's Map and sign it with their nicknames. Because that's what they are - Marauders. Brothers. They let each other in on their biggest secrets and their lives. They trust each other. And that is irreplaceable.
Becoming a Marauder does wonders for Pete's confidence. He's still Peter Pettigrew, of course - still wants to be part of things and belongs and wants desperately to be more than he is. He knows his scores won't be good enough to get into the Auror program, his mum's dream and his too, but he comes to terms with it. That is how Pete handles things - accepts reality and moves on. Otherwise, he knows he'd be miserable all the time.
Pete isn't stupid, but professors are harsh with him because he falls behind easily and struggles in class. He knows what they think of him, can feel their disappointment when they look at him. Isn't it their job, though, to teach students? Not just the smart ones, but the average ones and less than average and the struggling and the stupid? He hates being singled out in class and put on the spot - makes him freeze right up, get nervous, and even his old stutter comes out despite the fact that he hasn't stuttered regularly since first year. He's not completely inept though, so he wishes they'd stop making him feel more dumb than he already is. When it's just his friends, he doesn't have such a hard time with magic, at all. Even though there's that bit of him that wants to do well, it's not overwhelming like in class or on tests. It's relaxed, doesn't make him feel terribly nervous or self conscious, and that makes all the difference. He's managed to become an Animagus, after all, and that wasn't easy, so he couldn't be that stupid, right? Pete just doesn't work well under pressure and he can't perform well when nervous.
People don't notice him very often, for example. He is much more a behind-the-scenes guy. Social situations have a habit of getting the better of him; it doesn't help, of course, that he's in the shadow of his friends' limelight a lot of the time. Pete knows he'll never be that kid who stands out. There are still plenty of traces of the Peter Pettigrew whom nobody ever liked; sometimes he just laughs too loud at people's jokes, says inappropriate things, misses people's verbal and nonverbal cues. But Pete has learned, adapted as always, to work within how people think of him. Pete's gotten good at surviving over the years, and doesn't spend a lot of time dreaming or anything like that. Not anymore. He plays to his strengths. He's much more of a behind-the-scenes type of guy anyway. So while he's easily amused by lesser pranks and jokes, you can bet he's always volunteered to be behind many of the Marauders' bigger ones, Because that's him, always wanting to be a part of things. In a lot of ways, Pete is the perpetual middle man, the arranger. Not the planner, not always the executor, but the person who you can rely on to make sure things are ready to happen. Not the type of guy to be at the heart of the fight, and rarely the instigator, he'll be by his friends' sides helping them stand their ground. Even if he isn't the most talented when it comes to things like duels, he admires his friends' abilities and is more likely to `wait until the right moment than jump straight in. So he's not brave in that traditional, reckless, Gryffindor way, but the Sorting Hat saw something in him that he never did: he could be his own kind of brave, and that was good enough.
But there is one thing he can't let go of: the desire for everyone to stop underestimating him.
His professors do it, his classmates, sometimes even his brothers. They never give him enough credit and it just isn't fair. He's not just some tag along, not some charity project, not some invalid or imbecile. But people don't see that, do they? They never do and they never will.
And it kills him.
There's no motivation and frustration makes him crazy
He makes a plan to take a stand but always ends up sitting.
Someone help him up or he's gonna end up quitting
-Greenday, "Who Wrote Holden Caulfield?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
September 1st, 1971
On the train to Hogwarts, Pete sits by himself. It seemed like even though he should have gotten a fresh start, nothing was going to change. The random group he sat with on the way across the lake chattered to each other, but barely seemed to notice he was in the boat with them at all, and he didn't know what to say. How to speak up. He still stuttered then, especially when he was nervous, even though he was trying so hard to break the habit. By the time he was part of the anxious line of first years, Pete felt disheartened. It looked like Hogwarts was going to be just like everywhere else. He'd be a Hufflepuff, he knew it, the house everybody cracked jokes at. His dad had been a Gryffindor - it was where he wanted to be but how could he end up there? By a miracle, maybe, but even that was a stretch.
But then his name is called. Shaking, he walks up, sits on the stool, and a hat that is clearly too big is promptly plopped down on his head. All Pete can see is darkness, and the sounds of the hall have been drowned out by an unconquerable silence that unnerves the eleven year-old:
"I see potential in you, the too-big-for-his-head hat told him, much to his surprise. It breaks the silence in two. Now where to put you? Potential is universal, you know...Ravenclaw won't do, oh no. Not that kind of potential. Hufflepuff won't challenge you at all." Peter breathed a sigh of relief at that. "Slytherin...not a complete impossibility. You've got the blood for it, you could do well there - fly under the radar. But no...that won't do, either. Gryffindor, maybe... His heart sped up in anticipation. Yes, Gryffindor could do you well. You just need the right encouragement, I think. A little appreciation. You are a good kid, with a good heart. Yes, I see it in you. The potential to be everything of it at its best. GRYFFINDOR!
At first, the encouragement and appreciation the Hat spoke of does not come. He falls into the crowd of Gryffindor first years quietly, watching everything - taking it in. He is a good and patient observer. Listening is easy...unlike boys he share a dorm with aren't like him at all. They seem so much cooler than Peter; two of them are loud and boisterous, and the other is more quiet, a little odd, but they seem to like him and he's still cooler than him. They aren't mean to him or anything, but for the most part they don't pay much attention to quiet little Peter Pettigrew. Except, that is, for James Potter, the boy with the glasses and the wild dark hair. James is...nice. Peter watches, that first week or two or so. And the more he watches, the more he admires the Potter boy. He just exudes this confidence that Pete is so jealous of. So happy, you know? He wants to be like that.
Meanwhile, as always, there are people who manage to single Pete out to tease. And also as always, he doesn't do a very good job standing up to them. He just isn't confident, cool, and happy like his dorm-mates. Instead, he is scared - what kind of Gryffindor is that? Pete feels so ashamed of himself for being frightened of the other students when they tease him. He sits and takes it quietly, like he always has, thumbs twiddling, trying not to be pathetic and cry. There must be something about him, he figures, that makes people treat him like this. He just isn't sure what it is. Is there some sign over his head that flashes the words "I'm an easy target!" or is it written into every part of his body?
James Potter goes from being just nice to Pete's idol when he decides to play hero one day, him and Sirius Black. In the face of older students, they stand up for him the way he doesn't know how to do for himself. And even though Pete gets the feeling that they find him a little annoying from time to time, they are kind to him. They try to be his friends and he is amazed that for some reason, a guy like James and his equally cool friends seem to take a shine to him. They take him under their wing, and for the first time, Pete feels like he actually has friend. Real friends. And not just any friends, either.
See, as the only child of a widow, Pete has never known what is is like to have brothers. He doesn't know what it is like to have friends who aren't his mother or who only keep him around to make fun of him. But this is different. They are different. He can't shake the feeling that they are his brothers - they accept each other. The boys certainly aren't a band of kids with perfect lives, you understand. Peter has a dead dad and so much inside of him that he can't be; Remus is a werewolf for fuck's sake (as they would all later find out); Sirius comes from a terrible family that hates him more and more each day; James is in love with a girl who hates his guts. They all have their own unique problems, and in some ways they are mismatched, but somehow it seems to work out anyway. Their dorm room becomes a sacred space, a place for secrets to be shared in confidence and memories made.
1st year, in the dormitory, James Potter makes them all swear they'll be best mates forever. 2nd year, in the dormitory, the three of them confront Remus about these monthly "visits to his mum" that happen to fall every month on the full moon. 3rd year, in the dormitory, Sirius the impenetrable bastion of emotion reveals what really goes on at his house, and James mentions "running away" for the first time. 4th year, in the dormitory, Peter tells everyone about his dad, which is hard for him, because he has to admit that he wants to be so much more than he is. 5th year, in the dormitory, the four of them work diligently, sometimes failing, to figure out this whole Animagus potion challenge. Remus reading from the book as James, Sirius, and Peter carefully stew the stolen ingredients and hide them under Sirius's bed during the day. In the dormitory, 6th year, they complete the Marauder's Map and sign it with their nicknames. Because that's what they are - Marauders. Brothers. They let each other in on their biggest secrets and their lives. They trust each other. And that is irreplaceable.
Becoming a Marauder does wonders for Pete's confidence. He's still Peter Pettigrew, of course - still wants to be part of things and belongs and wants desperately to be more than he is. He knows his scores won't be good enough to get into the Auror program, his mum's dream and his too, but he comes to terms with it. That is how Pete handles things - accepts reality and moves on. Otherwise, he knows he'd be miserable all the time.
Pete isn't stupid, but professors are harsh with him because he falls behind easily and struggles in class. He knows what they think of him, can feel their disappointment when they look at him. Isn't it their job, though, to teach students? Not just the smart ones, but the average ones and less than average and the struggling and the stupid? He hates being singled out in class and put on the spot - makes him freeze right up, get nervous, and even his old stutter comes out despite the fact that he hasn't stuttered regularly since first year. He's not completely inept though, so he wishes they'd stop making him feel more dumb than he already is. When it's just his friends, he doesn't have such a hard time with magic, at all. Even though there's that bit of him that wants to do well, it's not overwhelming like in class or on tests. It's relaxed, doesn't make him feel terribly nervous or self conscious, and that makes all the difference. He's managed to become an Animagus, after all, and that wasn't easy, so he couldn't be that stupid, right? Pete just doesn't work well under pressure and he can't perform well when nervous.
People don't notice him very often, for example. He is much more a behind-the-scenes guy. Social situations have a habit of getting the better of him; it doesn't help, of course, that he's in the shadow of his friends' limelight a lot of the time. Pete knows he'll never be that kid who stands out. There are still plenty of traces of the Peter Pettigrew whom nobody ever liked; sometimes he just laughs too loud at people's jokes, says inappropriate things, misses people's verbal and nonverbal cues. But Pete has learned, adapted as always, to work within how people think of him. Pete's gotten good at surviving over the years, and doesn't spend a lot of time dreaming or anything like that. Not anymore. He plays to his strengths. He's much more of a behind-the-scenes type of guy anyway. So while he's easily amused by lesser pranks and jokes, you can bet he's always volunteered to be behind many of the Marauders' bigger ones, Because that's him, always wanting to be a part of things. In a lot of ways, Pete is the perpetual middle man, the arranger. Not the planner, not always the executor, but the person who you can rely on to make sure things are ready to happen. Not the type of guy to be at the heart of the fight, and rarely the instigator, he'll be by his friends' sides helping them stand their ground. Even if he isn't the most talented when it comes to things like duels, he admires his friends' abilities and is more likely to `wait until the right moment than jump straight in. So he's not brave in that traditional, reckless, Gryffindor way, but the Sorting Hat saw something in him that he never did: he could be his own kind of brave, and that was good enough.
But there is one thing he can't let go of: the desire for everyone to stop underestimating him.
His professors do it, his classmates, sometimes even his brothers. They never give him enough credit and it just isn't fair. He's not just some tag along, not some charity project, not some invalid or imbecile. But people don't see that, do they? They never do and they never will.
And it kills him.