I Don't Belong Here
stand inside your love
you and me
meant to be
immutable
impossible
it's destiny
pure lunacy
incalculable
inseparable
and for the last time
you're everything that i want and asked for
you're all that i dream
-Smashing Pumpkins, "Stand Inside Your Love"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
February 1978
Peter Pettigrew feels like one giant ball of really nervous energy navigating his way through Hogwarts and his ultimate goal is the library even though he's taking the most round about way possible. this is all so stupid, he thinks, as he tries to get the cold, clammy sweat off his hands by wiping them on his pants. Why did girls make him so nervous? Why did this girl in particular make it even worse than all the others? And why, in the name of every witch and wizard on every single chocolate frog card, had he thought asking her for help on his schoolwork was a smart move? Clearly, this was why he needed help, because his decisions made it obvious that he is anything but bright. Pete thinks he is such a fucking idiot and he wants to slam his head against the stone wall at this moment. At the time he asks her, it doesn't seem stupid. Imogen is a fellow seventh year, and a Ravenclaw, and she is so smart...and sweet, and pretty. Pete has been practically in love with her for a couple years now but hasn't told a soul. No, not even the other Marauders - because he knows they will poke fun at him and inevitably try and get the two of them together, which he knows would be an absolute disaster. There is no reason a girl like her will ever be interested in a girl like him; it would be cruel to get his hopes up, you know? Expectations were bad. But if you didn't have any, it didn't matter how things eventually turned out because you weren't expecting anything in the first place. That's Peter's life philosophy and it has saved him from a lot of disappointment over the years. Well, it;s a filter for disappointment - inevitably he does get disappointed and let down and all that stuff but his philosophy of low expectations being key to life greatly reduces the overall amount of those things that he experiences.
At the least minute, Pete remembers being late is incredibly rude, especially when he is the one who asked her to meet him and having her think he is a complete jerk was worse than having her think he's a sweaty weirdo. Which he is. Obviously neither of them are ideal circumstances but one is definitely better than the other. So gives himself a mental peptalk, albeit a poor one, as he half-runs through the corridors. When he reaches the library, she is already there, sitting at one of the tables by herself with a few books spread out about her. Trying not to look like a complete idiot, Pete forces his legs to move and they carry him right over.
"Hey," he says, before silently commending himself for his obvious brilliance and eloquent communications skills."Thanks for...you know, being willing to help me out."
"No problem, Peter," she says with a smile and his heart melts a bit. Fucking embarrassing. "So what is it we're working on today?"
The way his breath catches in his throat and his heart beats much faster is already all kinds of pathetic and its the way he always feels around Immy (all girls make him nervous but with her it's even worse). More intense, maybe. He wonders is she knows how pretty she is, how smart. If she has any idea at all about the way he sees her...uh, she makes him feel completely stupid and incapable but giddy at the same time. But none of that compares to his reaction when she asks him what they're working on because he hasn't even thought about that. Oh shit. Talk about embarrassing. His brain fumbles as it tries to come up with one of his assignments. Merlin, she probably thinks he is an idiot. For the record, it should be noted that Pete hasn't actually asked her for help with his coursework just because he needs help. Okay, so he can always use some help with that, but honestly, there are plenty of people he normally asks first. Bu then an uncharacteristically good idea came to him one day like a flash of lightning! Ask Immy. Because he just never knows how to approach her or just talk with her without it being strange or random. But this? It was a socially acceptable and normal way for him to interact with her casually, which was what he has wanted all along. Unfortunately, he had not forseen all the ways he could possibly mess it up. Good one, Pettigrew. Real Smooths
"The...erm...charms assignment?" he says weakly, naming the first class that pops into his head and he then reachse over into his bag, rummaging through it to find the parchment on which he scribbled all his homework in nearly unreadable chickenscratch. He is totally pulling this straight out of his arse. Obviously, his brilliant plan is not actually as brilliant as originally thought. Pete makes a mental note to definitely not tell the guys about this one.
"You know, this one," Pete continues, pointing to the note on the page. "About that quintessence book he assigned us. The fifth essence or whatever and how it applies to theory. i, er, don't even know where to start."
Nice save, he thinks, mentally patting himself on the back. Now if he could just keep from mucking up anymore for the rest of the hour. Good luck with that, right?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pete doesn't know it then but Imogen does like him. His confidence, or really the lack thereof, means he never tells her how he feels because he could never imagine she does feel the same way. It just wouldn't be logical, you know? He's Peter Pettigrew - considered practically a lackey by some and a charity case by others. He's not good at school and by all appearances not entirely bright. He's a bit prickly too, at times, with his cynicism and self-deprecating attitude. So why, even in his wildest of dreams, could he have thought Imogen would ever like him too?
He doesn't find out until later. Later being too late, actually, when they have all graduated and its summer time and Pete knows Immy feels like her world is wide open, a flower just coming into bloom with the promise of sunshine and warmth ahead. She takes a job working for Werewolf Support Services - as Pete learns, as they become friends and not a boy who likes a girl but can't talk to her, Immy's father is a werewolf so she's passionate about that sort of stuff. He, on the other hand, takes a rank and file job in the Ministry because what else is available to him? In August she starts dating a guy from her department. She and Pete are hanging out one day, because he is still pathetically and desperately in love with Imogen Green and wants to be around her even if it just means being friends (he settles himself for that second best a long time ago) when she tells him something that squeezes his sad, sorry little heart in a vicegrip. He's asked her what she likes about him (the other guy, of course, not himself), and that sort of thing. They are a little drunk which is probably why she says this:
"I guess he's my type, Pete. I mean, I like the quiet, unassuming guys. It's why I liked you for a while, actually," he must be giving her a shocked, disbelieving look because she follows it up. "Oh don't laugh, okay? I did! But since you obviously didn't like me to,o I got over it. Anyway, so when he asked me on a date, I said yes. We had fun so it became a second, and well, you know how it goes."
Except no, he doesn't know how it goes. Because he's only wanted to date her for like the past three years and she had liked him? Her words of "since you obviously didn't like me too, I got over it" play over and over in his head and they turn into this haunting chorus of self-hate. Fuck, he really was an idiot, wasn't he? But now there wasn't a thing he could do about it.
So it goes.
meant to be
immutable
impossible
it's destiny
pure lunacy
incalculable
inseparable
and for the last time
you're everything that i want and asked for
you're all that i dream
-Smashing Pumpkins, "Stand Inside Your Love"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
February 1978
Peter Pettigrew feels like one giant ball of really nervous energy navigating his way through Hogwarts and his ultimate goal is the library even though he's taking the most round about way possible. this is all so stupid, he thinks, as he tries to get the cold, clammy sweat off his hands by wiping them on his pants. Why did girls make him so nervous? Why did this girl in particular make it even worse than all the others? And why, in the name of every witch and wizard on every single chocolate frog card, had he thought asking her for help on his schoolwork was a smart move? Clearly, this was why he needed help, because his decisions made it obvious that he is anything but bright. Pete thinks he is such a fucking idiot and he wants to slam his head against the stone wall at this moment. At the time he asks her, it doesn't seem stupid. Imogen is a fellow seventh year, and a Ravenclaw, and she is so smart...and sweet, and pretty. Pete has been practically in love with her for a couple years now but hasn't told a soul. No, not even the other Marauders - because he knows they will poke fun at him and inevitably try and get the two of them together, which he knows would be an absolute disaster. There is no reason a girl like her will ever be interested in a girl like him; it would be cruel to get his hopes up, you know? Expectations were bad. But if you didn't have any, it didn't matter how things eventually turned out because you weren't expecting anything in the first place. That's Peter's life philosophy and it has saved him from a lot of disappointment over the years. Well, it;s a filter for disappointment - inevitably he does get disappointed and let down and all that stuff but his philosophy of low expectations being key to life greatly reduces the overall amount of those things that he experiences.
At the least minute, Pete remembers being late is incredibly rude, especially when he is the one who asked her to meet him and having her think he is a complete jerk was worse than having her think he's a sweaty weirdo. Which he is. Obviously neither of them are ideal circumstances but one is definitely better than the other. So gives himself a mental peptalk, albeit a poor one, as he half-runs through the corridors. When he reaches the library, she is already there, sitting at one of the tables by herself with a few books spread out about her. Trying not to look like a complete idiot, Pete forces his legs to move and they carry him right over.
"Hey," he says, before silently commending himself for his obvious brilliance and eloquent communications skills."Thanks for...you know, being willing to help me out."
"No problem, Peter," she says with a smile and his heart melts a bit. Fucking embarrassing. "So what is it we're working on today?"
The way his breath catches in his throat and his heart beats much faster is already all kinds of pathetic and its the way he always feels around Immy (all girls make him nervous but with her it's even worse). More intense, maybe. He wonders is she knows how pretty she is, how smart. If she has any idea at all about the way he sees her...uh, she makes him feel completely stupid and incapable but giddy at the same time. But none of that compares to his reaction when she asks him what they're working on because he hasn't even thought about that. Oh shit. Talk about embarrassing. His brain fumbles as it tries to come up with one of his assignments. Merlin, she probably thinks he is an idiot. For the record, it should be noted that Pete hasn't actually asked her for help with his coursework just because he needs help. Okay, so he can always use some help with that, but honestly, there are plenty of people he normally asks first. Bu then an uncharacteristically good idea came to him one day like a flash of lightning! Ask Immy. Because he just never knows how to approach her or just talk with her without it being strange or random. But this? It was a socially acceptable and normal way for him to interact with her casually, which was what he has wanted all along. Unfortunately, he had not forseen all the ways he could possibly mess it up. Good one, Pettigrew. Real Smooths
"The...erm...charms assignment?" he says weakly, naming the first class that pops into his head and he then reachse over into his bag, rummaging through it to find the parchment on which he scribbled all his homework in nearly unreadable chickenscratch. He is totally pulling this straight out of his arse. Obviously, his brilliant plan is not actually as brilliant as originally thought. Pete makes a mental note to definitely not tell the guys about this one.
"You know, this one," Pete continues, pointing to the note on the page. "About that quintessence book he assigned us. The fifth essence or whatever and how it applies to theory. i, er, don't even know where to start."
Nice save, he thinks, mentally patting himself on the back. Now if he could just keep from mucking up anymore for the rest of the hour. Good luck with that, right?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pete doesn't know it then but Imogen does like him. His confidence, or really the lack thereof, means he never tells her how he feels because he could never imagine she does feel the same way. It just wouldn't be logical, you know? He's Peter Pettigrew - considered practically a lackey by some and a charity case by others. He's not good at school and by all appearances not entirely bright. He's a bit prickly too, at times, with his cynicism and self-deprecating attitude. So why, even in his wildest of dreams, could he have thought Imogen would ever like him too?
He doesn't find out until later. Later being too late, actually, when they have all graduated and its summer time and Pete knows Immy feels like her world is wide open, a flower just coming into bloom with the promise of sunshine and warmth ahead. She takes a job working for Werewolf Support Services - as Pete learns, as they become friends and not a boy who likes a girl but can't talk to her, Immy's father is a werewolf so she's passionate about that sort of stuff. He, on the other hand, takes a rank and file job in the Ministry because what else is available to him? In August she starts dating a guy from her department. She and Pete are hanging out one day, because he is still pathetically and desperately in love with Imogen Green and wants to be around her even if it just means being friends (he settles himself for that second best a long time ago) when she tells him something that squeezes his sad, sorry little heart in a vicegrip. He's asked her what she likes about him (the other guy, of course, not himself), and that sort of thing. They are a little drunk which is probably why she says this:
"I guess he's my type, Pete. I mean, I like the quiet, unassuming guys. It's why I liked you for a while, actually," he must be giving her a shocked, disbelieving look because she follows it up. "Oh don't laugh, okay? I did! But since you obviously didn't like me to,o I got over it. Anyway, so when he asked me on a date, I said yes. We had fun so it became a second, and well, you know how it goes."
Except no, he doesn't know how it goes. Because he's only wanted to date her for like the past three years and she had liked him? Her words of "since you obviously didn't like me too, I got over it" play over and over in his head and they turn into this haunting chorus of self-hate. Fuck, he really was an idiot, wasn't he? But now there wasn't a thing he could do about it.
So it goes.