I Believe It's Time for Me to Move Forward

I tried to understand how Alan could like me in that way. To understand how I hadn't noticed this before. His staring, the frustration over me. But most of all I tried to understand my feelings for Alan now that he'd shown me his.

Alan had stepped back and was staring at me expectantly.

"Um," I began (not knowing what the hell I was going to say), "I um, I'm going to need some time.. To think about this." There. Although my response was blunt, it was honestly what I was thinking. But Alan looked sad. He sat down to where I had been sitting.

"I'm sorry," I told him bringing him into my embrace, "I'm sorry..."

I heard his soft sobbing and we stayed like this into the hours of the night.

~~~The Next Day~~~

Today we were setting up for a show in San Diego. It felt nice to be back in California. But that wasn't all I felt; a certain kind of sadness and confusion was masked by my otherwise happy face. I knew Alan wouldn't wait forever for me to tell him I loved him as more than a close friend. Or would he? Regardless, the sooner I told him if I did or not, the better. I mean that kiss kind of turned me on, strange as it may sound. I can't believe I just thought that. It's ridiculous, really.

Though the more I thought about it, the better the idea of Alan and I together seemed. When I said I loved him last night, did I really mean it like that? I've convinced myself I didn't, but it wasn't too late to convince myself otherwise.

I walked past where all the buses were parked and to the coast nearby. Come on, I thought, his laugh, his personality, and his smile are the highlights of all your days. You're in love with your best friend but you can't accept it. Just the thought of Alan's lips on mine again was making me blush...WHY?! I needed to tell him, but I was scared, just like him. If he could find a way to tell me why couldn't I do the same for him?

I ran as fast as my chicken legs could carry me to our bus.