Boys

6 months ago you agreed to set aside one night a week
Because you were busy but wanted to see me
So we grilled some fish and went to a movie
After we curled up in bed and played games(and did some other stuff)
And I felt like I was home

5 months ago you got drunk
And told me you wanted to marry me(one day)
And when I asked you to repeat that
Because I was sure I must've misheard
You got embarrassed
And told me we'd never get married

4 months ago I cried
Because I can't stand how blotchy and pale my skin is
Or how my stomach is never flat
And you told me you liked my skin
And how red my face gets when I get cold or embarrassed
And you rubbed my tummy and told me it was cute(for the 50th time)
So I cried harder because I knew you were telling the truth

3 months ago you apologized
For getting me my birthday present late
But all I could focus on was the care you took
Wrapping it in newspaper
And the ribbon you made out of blue tape
And that you bought me the shoes
I'd mentioned in passing(proof you pay attention)

2 months ago I almost cried from happiness
For the first time opening my anniversary present from you
And digging through the chamomile tea
And the paper, and the mix cd(player included)
As you explained it was for when I got anxious
And pulled out the journal and told me
I should write down my thoughts but focus on the good ones

1 month ago we drove to another state
And spent our spring break sharing a bed
Seeing some of our favorite artists
Eating dinner with my family and friends who might as well be
And I was certain that's how we would spend our lives

This month we tried taking a break
And you begged me to call it off after a week
Then we fought again and I'm starting to feel hopeless

Because 6 months ago you told me you couldn't go to that concert
Because it was out of town and you wanted to go to a different one
With one of your friends

And 5 months ago I woke up to you sobbing
And when I could finally get you to tell me why
You could only say "everything feels wrong with us"

And 4 months ago we had to hold each other together
On New Year's Eve when we argued over which party we'd go to
Then our only celebration was taking my overly drunk friends home

And 3 months ago you quit making plans
When they involved me, and doing anything but laying in bed
Because you did everything you enjoyed with your friends

And 2 months ago I invited you to my friend's birthday
But you refused because you'd rather do things with people you like
2 days later you got mad that I didn't want to hang out with your friends

And 1 month ago I cried after our trip
Because I forgot what it felt like to be with friends who got me
And you told me you weren't sure I would ever be happy

And now you can only answer "I don't know" when I asked if you want to be with me
In 2 years
In 6 months
Right now