In My Dreams It's Me And You

“Fuck,” Brian hissed as he pulled away from me. His split lip due to Matt‘s outburst hadn’t healed yet, and it had just started bleeding as I kissed him.

“I’m sorry,” I said in apology, sitting up so I was perched on his hips instead of laying on top of him. “I should learn to tone it down a little bit, huh? Maybe your lip would be healed if I stopped being so rough with you.”

Brian laughed quietly and put his hands on my lower back, pushing me so I was now leaning over him. “I love it when you’re rough with me,” he said lowly, making me bite my lip and push myself closer to him. “It shows me you know what you want and that you’ll do whatever it takes to get it.”

“So are you saying you like to be dominated by me, Mr. Haner?” I asked, slowly grinding my hips against his. “Do you get all hot and bothered when I take control?”

“Hell yes,” he said with a smirk as he guided my lips to his, “especially since I know I’ll get my turn to dominate you afterwards.”

I let Brian take control of the kiss while I continued to create friction between our lower halves; he groaned deep in the back of his throat and I giggled as he flipped us over so he was on top. “I take it you’re in the mood to dominate me now, aren’t you?” I asked when Brian trailed his lips down my neck.

Grinning against my skin, Brian bit the area where my neck meets my shoulders. This earned him a moan from me and he replied, “I just had to hear that, and I know if I’m not in control I won’t get it as fast as I want it.”

“Why don’t you show me what else you want?” I asked, laughing as he grinned at me and started pulling my clothes off. He was just about to start peeling his clothing off when there was a knock at my door. “Who is it?” I called.

“It’s Matt,” he answered. “Can I come in?”

I sighed and Brian sat still on my hips, giving me a concerned look. “Are you going to tell him to fuck off again?” he asked. I shrugged my shoulders and he leaned down to kiss me. “It’s been a week, Nat. He really does feel bad about what happened, so maybe you should listen to what he has to say.”

“I don’t understand how you can be so understanding towards him,” I grumbled. “Look what he did to you.” As I said those words, I gently touched Brian’s face where the bruises were just starting to fade.

Brian grabbed my shirt and handed it to me. “I was pissed off about that for a few days, but he beat the shit out of me for a reason. He cares about you, Natalie, and he just wants to protect you.”

“Protect me from what?” I questioned, sitting up and putting my shirt on as Brian crawled off me. “That’s what I don’t get. Yes, what happened with Zack was painful. But that doesn’t give him the right to interfere with my life.”

“I know, baby. But you can’t stay mad at him, it’s killing him,” he replied. “Talk to him, okay?”

I pouted at Brian and he kissed my nose, making me smile. “Okay,” I sighed. “You’ll have to leave, though. I think this is going to be something we need to talk about in private.”

“I figured as much,” Brian said. He then pulled me to my feet and we walked to the door together. Matt was still outside and he remained silent as Brian kissed me. “I’ll see you later, Nat,” he said before walking away and down the stairs.

Matt risked a look at me and asked, “So can I come in?” I let out a heavy breath and nodded my head, stepping aside to allow him to walk in to the room. We each stood in a defensive posture and our eyes locked. My face was devoid of emotion while I could easily see the frustration, anger, sadness, and regret in Matt’s. “I’m sorry, Nat,” he said, breaking our uneasy silence.

I raised an eyebrow at him and crossed my arms over my chest. “Are you?”

“Yes, I am,” Matt said, an edge of forcefulness in his voice. It wasn’t angry forcefulness though. “I was really fucking upset and while I think I’m justified in my feelings, I did over-react. I shouldn’t have taken it as far as I did with Brian, and I hate myself for hurting you. I didn’t realize I had pushed you so hard; I’m sorry Natalie.”

“I don’t get why you acted the way you did,” I responded, walking past him to sit on my bed. Matt followed me and sat beside me. “I understand you care about me and just want to make sure I’m okay, but that’s not an excuse to beat the shit out of Brian.”

Matt exhaled heavily and his shoulders slumped. He shook his head and then looked up at me. “I’m just worried about you, Nat. I don’t want you to get hurt again.”

I smiled sadly. “I know that, Matt. It means a lot to me that you care so much, but you can’t just hurt the people who try to get close to me. Brian was there for me when Zack wasn’t, even before we broke up, and it feels right to be with him.”

“Exactly how long has this been going on?” he asked. I hesitated and Matt sighed. “Just tell me the whole story, Nat. I want to know everything.”

Brushing some hair back from my eyes and tucking it behind my ear, I replied, “Brian and I got together not long after Zack and I broke up. Before you jump to conclusions, he didn’t take advantage of me. I actually came to him, so I was the one who started things. Brian didn’t ask me to be his girlfriend until last week, though, because he wanted me to have time to work things out with Zack and what happened. He actually refused to ask me because of that.”

“And that’s it?” Matt asked, looking at me suspiciously. I nodded my head; there wasn’t anything else he had to know about our relationship. Jimmy and Val were the only ones who knew the whole story and it was going to stay that way. Watching me closely for a few more seconds, Matt sighed yet again. “How do you feel about him?”

This question shocked me and I was silent for a few seconds. I wasn’t exactly expecting him to ask me something like that so I had no clue how to respond. “I feel right being with him, Matt,” I finally responded. “I don’t know what it is, but I feel like us being together is right.”

“And I guess there isn’t anything I could say that would make you change your mind?” he questioned.

I narrowed my eyes and stated firmly, “No, there isn’t anything you can say that will make me change my mind. You’ve done the worst you could do, and if that didn’t make me change my mind, I don’t know why you’d try again.”

“I’m sorry for the way I acted, but I fucking told him to stay away from you and he went behind my back and did it anyways,” Matt replied angrily. “I can’t help if I get pissed off when people lie to me.”

“He makes me happy, Matt,” I answered. “That’s what should matter; not the fact that you don’t want him involved with me.” I paused and thought of something. “Why don’t you want us together?”

Matt gave me an incredulous look and shook his head. “Look what happened the first time one of my friends was in a relationship with you! History does tend to repeat itself, and I don’t want to see you go through that.”

“Brian isn’t going to cheat on me,” I answered defiantly.

“How do you know that?” Matt challenged. “Nobody really thought Zack would cheat, but he did.”

‘You've stolen my heart, Natalie, and I'll probably never get it back, but I'm more than okay with it.’ Brian’s words ran through my mind and I smiled softly, making Matt look at me in confusion. “He’s not going to hurt me, Matt. I know that for a fact.”

Sighing in defeat, Matt looked at me. “It’s going to take me a while to get used to seeing you guys together,” he said. I smiled and asked him if that meant he was okay with us. “I’m not okay with it now, but if he makes you happy, I’m going to have to be.”

“Thank you, Matt,” I said and hugged him. “It means a lot to me that you support our relationship. I know you don’t right now and that it’s going to take time, but at least you’re making the effort. Thank you.”

Matt smiled and hugged me back. “You know I just want what’s best for you and for you to be happy. I may not agree with your decisions, but I will respect them.”

“Are you going to apologize to Brian?” I asked when we pulled apart. Matt chuckled and smiled lightly.

“I guess I really should; his bruises are still pretty nasty,” he replied.

I shoved his shoulder lightly and added, “His fucking lip is still split, too. It started bleeding earlier when - “

“Okay, stop right there,” Matt interrupted. “I know where you’re going with that sentence, and I’m not ready to hear that shit yet.”

Smiling sheepishly, I felt the color rush to my face. “Sorry, Matty,” I apologized.

“Let’s just go downstairs so I can find Brian and say sorry,” he laughed, standing up and offering me his hand. I took it and we left the room together, walking down the stairs to find everybody in the living room. “Hey Brian, can I talk to you for a minute?” Matt asked, Brian looking at him cautiously but nodding nonetheless. I pecked his cheek as he walked by to follow Matt out to the kitchen.

“What the fuck is your problem?” I asked as Zack rolled his eyes. “Don’t ignore me, Zack. What’s your problem?”

Zack turned his icy stare to me and bitterly replied, “You know what my problem is.”

Sensing that a serious discussion needed to be had between Zack and I, Val, Jimmy, and Johnny (who had remained happily neutral in this whole situation) left the room. I crossed to where he was sitting on the couch and sat next to him. “What do you want me to say?” I asked. “I’m sorry we didn’t tell you guys sooner, but we knew what would happen if we did.”

Zack refused to look at me as he spoke, instead staring straight ahead at the blank TV screen. “Well a lot of fucking good it did you; Brian still got his ass kicked and you and Matt were at odds for the last week,” he scoffed.

I groaned and sat so I was facing him. “Zack, please look at me,” I pleaded. He remained stubborn and I sighed. “Fine. You know what? Maybe we were wrong in waiting to tell Matt and the rest of you guys. We just did what we thought was right, and I’m sorry you feel like I betrayed you. I didn’t mean for that to happen, but I honestly don’t think it was any of your business.”

This got his attention. Zack turned to me with a sad, disbelieving smile on his face. “None of my business, huh?” he asked. “Just because we’re broken up doesn’t mean I don’t care about you, Nat. Whether you want to hear it or not, I still have feelings for you. They aren’t going away any time soon, either.”

Zack took my hand in his and I stared at the bond. I then looked up at him. “I still care for you too, Zack, but not like that,” I said softly. “You have to be one of the most amazing men I’ve ever met: you’re sweet, funny, caring, and extremely handsome. All those things made me choose you in the beginning. If it weren’t for what happened, those things would have kept me with you.”

“You’ll never feel that way again, though,” he concluded. “What I did permanently fucked up my chances of ever being with you.”

“I’m sorry.”

Pulling his hand away, Zack shook his head and quietly laughed, humor definitely missing from the sound. “It’s all my own doing, so what are you sorry for? You didn’t do anything wrong; I’m the one who fucked us over.” I could see that this was affecting him more than he was letting on, and I hugged him gently. He turned and wrapped his arms completely around me, his face buried in my neck as I rested my chin on his shoulder. Gentle sobs started to shake his body and I felt tears of my own prick my eyes.

“Zack, please don’t cry,” I whispered, his arms tightening their grip and he hugged me closer to him.

“How can I not?” he asked, not removing his face from my neck. “I fucked up one of the best things to ever happen to me. I had the perfect girlfriend, and I went and cheated on her for no goddamn reason.”

I ran my hand up to the back of his head and gently ran my fingers through his hair, something I remembered that calmed him down when he was upset. “You made a mistake and I forgave you,” I told him.

“It doesn’t matter,” he mumbled, “because I don’t have you.”

“Zack - ”

“It’s the truth, Nat. I love you, and I can’t have you. I just need to realize that and get over it.”

I held onto Zack as he slowly stopped crying, his sobs becoming less frequent and his hold on me loosening. When he finally pulled away from me, he wiped away the tear that had fallen from my eye and pushed my hair away from my face. “I’m sorry Zack. I really am. I wish things could have been different for us,” I whispered, looking into his bloodshot, but still bright green, eyes.

Zack wiped his eyes and then the smile returned to his face, making my heart flip. I missed seeing him do that, and it hurt to know that he was still taking our breakup so hard. “I do too. I really do love you, Natalie. I know it’s too late to tell you that, but it’s true.”

“I… I’m sorry,” I whispered, not knowing what to say to him.

“It’s okay,” he sighed, the smile gone from his face just as fast as it had appeared. “I’m just going to have to settle for being your friend.”

I smiled softly and embraced him yet again. “I really want you to be, Zack. I don’t want you out of my life just because we’re not together.” We pulled apart just as Brian and Matt walked back in.

“Hey guys, everything okay in here?” Brian asked, coming to sit beside me. “It feels like you guys have been watching chick flicks and crying all day.”

Zack laughed and smiled at me and Brian. “Nah man, we were just talking. We had to clear up what happened last week and we did. I’m sorry for treating you like shit; it was your right to keep this to yourselves.”

Brian put an arm around my shoulder and hugged me to him, kissing the side of my head. “It’s all good, bro. I’m just glad we’re all okay now,” he replied.

“Yeah,” Matt agreed. “So now who’s up for movies and crappy take-out food?”

At this, Val, Jimmy, and Johnny walked back into the living room and collectively said, “We’re watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show and ordering Chinese.”

As we all laughed and got ready for our apparent night in, I couldn’t help but sit quietly and think about what had just taken place. Matt said he’d make an effort to support Brian and I despite the fact he didn’t think it was right, and Zack told me he loved me but would settle for being my friend. Why did I, when things seemed so good, get the feeling that everything was going to get fucked up?