In My Dreams It's Me And You

Pain is what woke me up the next morning. The first discomfort I noticed was my head: the alcohol I had consumed the night before was starting to take its toll and I was developing quite a nasty headache. Rolling over in hopes of finding some relief, I was met with unbelievable soreness in between my legs. Luckily, I was still only half-conscious and wasn’t fully aware of the searing pain shooting up and down my thighs.

Exhaustion, a hangover, and my less-than-functional legs made it very difficult to get to the bathroom and back when my bladder made it known that I had to pee very badly. I somehow managed to make the trek without dying or injuring myself, however, and I instantly sought out the comfort of the blankets as soon as I made it back to the bed.

An arm reached out to pull me against a warm, solid, muscular body and I whimpered as the pain in my lower body briefly intensified. “Why do I hurt so damn bad?” I mumbled, my head rested on the bicep of the person I was laying with.

“I’m sorry baby,” came the hoarse reply, a gentle kiss being pressed to my forehead as I cuddled further into my bed partner.

The person I was with smelled and felt oddly familiar. I was far too tired to open my eyes, though, so I relied on my other senses to figure out who I was in bed with. Alcohol and sweat was the dominant scent on this person’s body, but that easily could have been any male on tour; it was the scent of Marlboro Reds and Axe that made this man more distinctive. Running my hand up the man’s chest and around his shoulders, I paid close attention to the way his muscles tensed and relaxed as I touched him. I moved myself closer to him and slid one of my legs in between his as familiarly calloused finger tips held tightly to my hips.

“Brian.” I let out his name on a breath, my eyes snapping open as I figured out who I had slept with the night before. A blush crept up my neck and spread across my cheekbones as the ache in my lower body attested to the phrase ‘slept with’. Our bodies were still flush against each other and that fact only intensified the heat on my face.

“Good morning,” Brian whispered timidly. The pressure of his fingers on my skin disappeared soon after that; looking up at him, I saw that red tint colored his face as well as mine.

Moving away, I sat up and pulled a part of the sheet with me. I saw the tiniest of smirks grace Brian’s lips at my modesty, and I couldn’t help but let the material drop back to the bed. What was the point of covering myself? Brian had more than seen what I was trying to conceal. Choosing to leave myself uncovered, I instead drew my knees up to my chest and rested my chin on the tops of them. “I think we should talk about last night,” I said, blinking my eyes as I tried to clear my vision.

“You remember last night?” Brian asked in shock, turning to lay on his side with his head in his palm.

I slowly lay back under the covers and assumed the same position as Brian. “Even if I didn’t, the pain in between my legs would surely remind me,” I answered somewhat sarcastically.

Brian’s eyes widened and he looked absolutely mortified. “Oh my God, did I hurt you? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so rough! It’s just that we haven’t been together in so long and I needed you so bad, and when I’m drunk I -”

“Trust me, Brian, I know how you get when you’re drunk,” I interrupted his rambling, making him look down at the sheets in embarrassment. I sighed and ran my fingers through his tousled hair. “It’s okay, Bri,” I murmured. “I’m pretty sure I’ve lived through rougher nights.”

Offering a hesitant smile when he lifted his gaze back to mine, Brian nodded his head. He then let out a deep breath and asked quietly, “What all do you remember from last night?”

I bit my lip, hoping against all hope that Brian would remember the same things I did. I didn’t know if coming right out and repeating everything I know we said was the right way to go about this, but being straightforward was the only way I knew how without completely fucking up what could potentially fix our mangled relationship. “I remember that there was more than just sex,” I began, Brian’s eyes remaining locked on mine as I continued. “I remember you apologizing to me, and telling me you still love me. I also remember telling you the same.”

Brian’s eyes closed and he leaned his head back, making me think the worst. What if he didn’t remember that at all? What if I was mistaken, and I had only imagined all of that? The possibilities consumed my mind, making me bite down on my lip so hard I could feel the delicate skin tear. “Thank God,” Brian murmured. “I was seriously afraid I had imagined last night.”

“So you do remember?” I inquired timidly, picking at a loose thread on the sheet of our bed.

Tipping my chin upward using two of his slender fingers, Brian smiled tenderly. “Of course I do,” he answered me. His brows furrowed in concern and he gently ran his thumb over my bottom lip. “You didn’t think I would…”

“We were both pretty wasted last night, Brian,” I defended, “not to mention we haven’t exactly been friendly toward each other lately.”

Brian sought out my hands underneath the blanket and raised them to his lips, pressing a kiss to each. Sighing heavily, he then sat up in bed and brought me with him. My body remained exposed, symbolizing my vulnerability in that moment. I knew that I would end up baring my soul to Brian within the next few minutes and it had me scared to death. The discussion we were about to have would make or break our relationship, and to be painfully honest, I didn’t have the slightest clue in which direction we would go. Brian and I had said and done extremely hurtful things to each other in the past six weeks, and I knew that none of those things would be forgotten because of one night.

“I know we haven’t been okay in a long time, Natalie, and I also know that it’s my fault.”

Not wanting Brian to blame himself for the actions I had taken, I told him, “It’s not all your fault, Brian. You’re not responsible for my actions, and the things I’ve done haven’t exactly been conducive to us fixing our relationship.”

“You’re right: I’m not responsible for your actions,” Brian admitted. “But I am responsible for putting us here in the first place. I overreacted in Vegas to something I shouldn’t have taken at face value. And if I’m going to be completely honest, the reason I overreacted is what you pointed out a few weeks ago: I’m bitter, paranoid, and insecure. I’m bitter because I love you, Natalie. Whenever I look back and remember the way I treated you and how my actions caused you to choose Zack first, it drives me crazy. I know it’s my fault, but I’m still bitter about it.

“I’m paranoid because I know that Zack still has feelings for you. He’s my best friend and I can read him like a book. Whether or not he will act on those feelings after what has happened, I don’t know. The idea of you going back to him, though, scares the hell out of me. I know you two are friends and only friends, but somewhere in my mind the possibility of you leaving me, of you still having romantic feelings for him, still resides. It’s irrational, I know, and I promise I’m trying to deal with that.”

Brian sighed heavily and I remained silent, shocked at how openly he was telling me all of this. I had been expecting to be the one pouring my heart out, not listening as the love of my life confronted his fears about our relationship.

“Last of all, I’m insecure,” he resumed. Brian’s dark brown eyes locked with my hazel ones and I watched as he restrained the tears. “I’ve never loved someone the way I love you, Natalie, and certainly not as much. I’ll admit that at first my feelings weren’t genuine, and as much as I hate to say it, you were right to stay away from me. That all changed the first night we slept together. Holding you in my arms later that morning when we finally got a hold of ourselves, I realized that being with you meant so much more than whatever petty mind game I had been trying to play. I knew, that morning, that I was in love with you.

“The reality of my feelings for you scared me half to death, Natalie. I’ve never been so in love, and I didn’t know how to act. Every time I’ve ever pushed you away, or treated you unfairly, or said something I shouldn’t have, it was my insecurity telling me that I was going to lose your love anyway. It seemed too good to be true and I was so afraid that I was going to lose you. I still am.”

Resting a hand on his cheek, I carefully ran a thumb under his eye and wiped away the tears Brian had let escape. They started coming faster than I could wipe away, and pretty soon, the tears were streaming down Brian’s face. I pulled him against me and he nestled his head just under my chin, wrapping his arms around me and holding tightly. Kissing the top of his head, I sang quietly in an attempt to calm him.

I had never seen Brian cry. The fact that he finally broke down in front of me and came to me for comfort spoke volumes; I knew that he loved me and was willing to share everything - every thought, every emotion - with me. “I love you, Brian,” I whispered, gently running my hands up and down his back as his breathing started to become normal again, “but I was so hurt by what you did to me in Las Vegas, and in all honesty, I still am. I know I’m partially responsible for the fact that we haven’t spoken properly to each other in nearly two months, but I couldn’t contain the pain I felt. At some point, I somehow convinced myself that it was only fair that you suffer as I had.”

“Can you forgive me?” Brian asked. He pulled away from my embrace, but only enough to be able to look at me.

Sighing, I pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “I forgive you. I just don’t know if we’re ready to be in a relationship again. The last six weeks have been extremely rough, and I think we both need some time to clear our heads and to forgive and forget.”

“So are we still on a break, then?” he questioned somewhat sadly. I nodded my head and he replied, “I can live with that, but only if you promise that you won’t give up on us. Promise me that we’ll get back together.” Brian laced his fingers through mine and squeezed.

I leaned in and connected our lips again, Brian reacting to the contact this time. He slowly released my hands and cupped my face with his own, our tongues meeting and tangling together in a slow, passionate kiss. When we pulled apart, I stole one last kiss before telling him, “I will never give up on us, Brian. We will be together again, I promise.”