Mirrors

April 23rd, Tuesday

It's day three since I've been here at my parent's place and the third day of being holed up in my old bedroom listening to Mother Mother and Nine Inch Nails. After coming here and pouring my heart out to my parent's, they couldn't have been more supportive of me, even after telling them that I was pregnant.

Though as I expected, they weren't jumping for joy, but they took it rather well. At first they were speechless, and my father was the first to react, he pulled me into a hug and kissed my hair. My mother hesitated and subtly brought up that fact that this was risky, but my dad quieted her and reassured her the way I've reassured them that I would be okay.

But that was the easy part to tell them. I only briefly hinted at the personal trouble I'm having with Hudson and...well...

Since then I've been, as mentioned earlier, holed up in my room mostly sleeping.

In bed curled up underneath my comfy duvet, I heard the door to my open, though I didn't bother to see who it was. The bed moved as they sat on the edge, and soon the covers were pulled off my head. I squinted from the light shining through the curtains and was surprised to see my brother Jonathan sitting next to me, his face dirty from what looked like oil or grease or something.

"Did you just finish a jewel heist?" I murmured.

He chuckled and shook his head, "I own a body shop, the chances of me going a day without getting this face dirty are pretty slim." His Brooklyn accent was very noticeable.

I just gave a half-smile.

"You look like crap. How long have you been here?" He gave a short laugh, staring at me. I pulled the blankets over my head again and turned to my side, "Three days."

"What's that bruise on your face? Avery, what happened?" He spoke in a stern but worried voice, like our dad's.

"I got into a fight with some chick in the bathroom at a club. I'm fine. Why are you here?"

He gave a short sigh of relief, "'Cause ma and pops told me what was going on and I thought I'd come check on my sister. Are you okay?" He slowly pulled the blankets off my head again. It pained me to hear that again. Am I okay? I sighed inwardly and didn't say anything.

"Dad told me." He spoke, waiting for me to say something, but he continued. "I'm kind of excited to be an uncle. He or she is gonna have the world's greatest uncle."

I smiled.

"When was the last time you talked to him? Hudson."

My smiled faltered and I could feel the blackness going through my veins again, "Sunday. It was brief."

"Did he come here?"

I shook my head, "No, he just called my cell. But from what mom's told me, he's called here a couple times too."

He sighed, "So tell me Avery, what's going on? Why are you so depressed and why are you here hiding in your childhood bedroom like a hermit crab?"

I sat up and turned to him, "Because I'm so tired. I'm exhausted."

"From what?"

I stared at him for a moment, "Jonathan...I'm in love with someone else."

He blinked at me and nodded, "Does Hudson know?"

"I'm sure he's got an idea..." I looked down. He watched me and nodded, not saying anything. I buried my face in my hands, "I'm so tired of crying. I'm so tired of feeling like no matter what I do, it'll never be enough. I'm tired."

He nodded and gazed into my tired and sore eyes.

I sighed but I continued, "I'm at the point where I'm so cried out, I couldn't bring a tear to my eye if I tried...but I'm glad that at least I'm not crying anymore...but now I'm just numb. I can't feel anything. I don't want to feel anything. Ever."

He reached out and took one of my hands in his and held it firmly, "I might not be able to say the right things, especially at this moment...but I'm here for you Ave. I'm here to listen. I'm here to sit in silence while you tell me everything."

I closed my eyes in pain, emotional pain that was beginning to affect my heart. "You know how in old books, like pieces by Shakespeare, where there's always a person that dies from a broken heart? I always thought that was just something to add to the story for substance. But now I know that it's real, it's become the most evident thing in my life. It exists and sometimes I feel like it's going to happen to me...I cheated on my husband. I'm pregnant. I lost my job. I fell in love with another man and he's rejected me. I've messed everything up and I'm paying for all of it. I messed up my marriage and though Hudson is still adamant about keeping it together, I don't know if I can go back to him in this state. For the first time in my life I am having doubts about my marriage and now I don't know what to do."

He moved closer and stretched his legs out on the bed, he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and comforted me. Letting out a soft sigh, he looked at me and offered a gentle look. "This guy you're in love with...what makes him so special? Why are you in love with him?"

I rubbed my forehead before dragging my fingers through my hair, bowing my head with thoughts only of Christian racing through my mind. "He's beautiful. He has a beautiful mind, and he's artistic. He shares the same interests as I and so much more. We can talk for hours or we can sit in silence and it makes no difference, because the connection we have is unlike any other. And he can make me laugh, and he always says the right things." I buried my face in my hands and breathed shallowly, "And time after time he's told me that he loved me and I'd reject him. And finally when I realized that I loved him too, it was too late. Too late."

As I trembled in his arms, he held me firmly and pressed his head against mine. "I'm sorry Ave. He did sound like a nice guy...but Hudson's a stand up guy too, right?"

I nodded slowly, straightening my hair out with my fingers. "He is. He's so great Jonathan...but please tell me, tell me the truth. Do you think that he and I got married too soon?"

He stilled and stared down at the blankets on the bed. I knew exactly what he was thinking and I closed my eyes, "Please, be honest with me Jonathan." Slowly he turned to me and watched me for a moment, he then nodded. "Yes. You met in June-July, got engaged in October, got married in December. I'm not saying your marriage is a mistake, I just think you could have waited a year at least."

I stared down at my hands, chipping at the old nail polish again on my nails, and I nodded in agreement. "I know...that's all I've been thinking about lately."

"Avery, don't give up on this. I know right now it feels like you're going through hell, but Hudson loves you. And hiding out here in Brooklyn isn't helping either of you. You need to talk to him, because believe it or not, men have feelings too. We get hurt just like women do. Tell him how you feel, what you're going through. You both made vows that you'd be there for each other through the good and the bad. Before you even consider throwing in the towel, talk to him first."

"Okay." My throat was dry and it burned, "I will. You know, at first I was crying all the time, and now I'm sleeping all the time. Ma has been struggling to get me to eat something. It's never been this bad and I'm afraid if I let it go on...I don't know, like maybe it'll get worse and I don't know what's worse than this."

"Well it's no good for your health, or the baby's. So let me help you get out of this rut. I'm gonna take you out to dinner, but first, please go shower. Your hair is so messed up, I honestly think something's made a home in it." He pushed me from the bed.

"You're the one to talk, you look like rubbed dirt all over your face." I grumbled, setting my feet onto the carpeted floor. He chuckled. I turned to him and gave a small smile, "Thank you Jonny, I really needed to talk to someone and...you helped me out a lot."

"I don't mind at all. You're my little sister, I need to look out for you." He smiled back.

In Christian's Life

Not a word spoken for days, I let Mozart's Requiem Mass In D Minor fill the room. The only other sound in the room was the crackle from the fireplace, and a light of the flickering candle that was set on the coffee table. With the curtains shut and not a single crack of the light outside coming through, I sat in silence on the same leather couch that she sat on not long ago.

In my hand I held a picture of her, a picture I had just picked from the few photos that were next to me that I kept in a book. This picture I took of her when we were New Orleans, in our hotel room. When I first realized that I had feelings for her.

My sore eyes studied the picture, and my pained mind held distant memories of us. Her smile that would forever haunt me, and those naïve and childlike eyes that would hold my gaze unlike any other. Her infectious laugh. The way she'd bite at her lip with anticipation.

Even her skin made my heart still. It was perfect. She was perfect.

I talk about her as though she was dead. As though she was no longer here. But she is no longer here, physically. Taking every ounce of my being with her and leaving me with nothing.

The other pictures were polaroids of us. When things were well, when things felt right. When I felt young. But now I feel washed up, old and grey though it's only been days since things ended. It's felt like a lifetime.

Finishing the last of my scotch, I gathered the photographs and rose from the couch, hesitating for a moment. I slowly walked from where I sat and approached the fireplace. Crouching before it, I took one last gaze at the pictures and then proceeded to toss them one by one into the fire. The last one I tossed was the picture of her in the hotel.

One last look at that smile. Those eyes. Her

As I watched them burn up, in a way I felt I was watching myself burn up in flames too. I had dedicated myself to her so much that I had lost myself in her. Standing, I walked slowly back to the sofa and sat on the edge. Taking my glass to go refill it, I also took the book that held the picture and tossed it onto the table.

The book was Wuthering Heights.