Mirrors

In Avery's Life

Grizzly Bear was playing quietly as I came out of the bathroom, wrapping up my wet hair in a towel as I crawled onto my bed. I was dressed in a pair of shorts and a tank top, sitting in the middle of my bed and pulling my laptop closer to me. Typing in my password after opening up my macbook, I resumed looking at flights on an airline site.

I didn't actually plan on leaving, because I know that it would be the cowardly thing to do, but this was something I liked to do; always having that desire to travel, I'd check out the rates on flights to Tokyo, and Calcutta, and Paris, even Cape Town. Just to dream.

As I stared at the screen, my gaze began to lower and I looked down at my stomach. It was something I noticed I was doing more often. Even though I'm now eight weeks and a couple days along, I've still been nervous about being pregnant. I don't know if I'm still in shock, but I haven't really communicated with the baby...well, at least until now.

My hand had taken it's usual spot on my lower abdomen and I struggled to find something to say, even though I knew at this stage the baby wouldn't be able to hear me, but while my parent's were at work and I was home alone, I wanted to do it anyway.

I cleared my throat, "Hello...um, baby." I made myself laugh and I rolled my eyes, shaking my head. "I don't know how to start this."

"According to the internet, you're the size of a raspberry and your taste buds are forming." I gave a short laugh, "And I'm nauseous, and tired, and the cravings are already kicking in. Even though you can't hear me, I'm very much aware that you're there. I'm your mom, by the way. It's still such a foreign thing for me to say, calling myself a mother. I mean, I've wanted you all along but I sort of wanted to wait. But you're not a mistake, it's just sad that you've come into my life while there's so much drama and negativity going on. So maybe it's good that you can't hear anything.

So much is going on right now. And the more time that I have to myself, the more time I can really think about things. The truth is, I don't know who your father is...and I've made mistakes in my life, time and time again, but that doesn't make me a bad person. As cliché as it sounds, I'm only human. When you're born and you grow up, you'll make mistakes too. And maybe I won't be the best example or role model for you, but I promise that with every ounce of my being I will take care of you and give you everything. Even if it means I'm doing it alone.

I don't know how my future will work out, I don't know if I'll still be a wife, I don't know if I'll be travelling the world and writing...Hudson, my husband, is a great guy. He's so handsome and he's very funny, and we can have long talks about anything and he really was my knight in shining armour. He's got some flaws but so do I, probably more than him.

It's been a hard start to the year for both of us but he's stayed with me through it all, even when at times I wanted to give up. If he ends up being your father, I can assure you he'll be more than amazing. He's so loving, and even though he's had a painful childhood, he's risen above it. He'll love you no matter what.

And he's so artistic. He sings like an angel, his voice is raw and perfect. He draws, but he's very critical of himself, but everything he does is beautiful. He plays the piano and the guitar, and sometimes in the evening while I'm in bed or in the studio reading or drinking tea, he'll come down the hall playing songs by Bob Dylan softly on the guitar. Hudson is so gentle and so kind...and he likes to read. He likes books by Charles Dickens, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Joyce, and Kerouac. And he really likes the Harry Potter series too." I smiled and lightly laughed.

"And then there's Christian. The other guy who might be your father." I stilled for a moment and closed my eyes, my heart still pounding at the sound of his name, at the thought of him.

"Christian is amazing...he's older, but he's so youthful at heart. And he made me laugh, and talked me out of my bad moods...he was so good to me and I treated him badly." I clenched my fist and could feel the invisible dagger being plunged into my chest. "I hope you're a boy. Because being a girl would be too painful. It would be too hard to grow up. I hope you're a boy so I can teach you to stay away from girls like me, that hurt good men."

With both hands on my stomach, I softly smiled with tears in my eyes, "You are a part of me, growing inside. And already I think you're the most beautiful being ever to exist. My heart is overflowing with this intense emotion, this love for you already. No matter what the outcome of this situation is, I promise you that I will love and care for you always. You're mine, you'll always be.

And I'm sorry that things are so bad right now. I'm so sorry."

A few tears escaped and I wiped them away, composing myself again. "I think you'll like New York. I grew up here and I love it here, it's so full of culture and romance and life. Here, you are free to be whoever you want. And that's what I want for you, I want you to be cultured and to have a zest for life. And you have to read, I mean, being my son, you must read.

We'll start off with bedtime stories and I'll read them to you, then as you get older we can find some good books for you. And you're going to be respectful, especially with your grandparents. You're going to love them and they're going to love you, they're just so great." I smiled, "But first, I want you to be my newborn. My baby. I'm nervous, but mostly I'm excited to meet you, and to see you. My sweet darling."

The sound of the front door opening and closing caught my attention, and then I heard Jonathan's voice calling for me. Furrowing my brow, I set my feet down onto the carpeted floor and walked to my door, leaving my room to go see him.