Mirrors

May 1st, Wednesday, 12:09pm

The restaurant was bustling and the sound of orders being taken and dishes clinking filled the room, along with the aroma of food from the kitchen and the soft music of some indie record over the speakers. I had taken a cab here and sat alone at a table for two near the front, waiting for Amelia to arrive.

A couple at a table down from me were smiling at each other and holding hands; they shared a look that said they were in love, and I couldn't help but watch them, I couldn't help but be envious. He brought her hand up to his mouth and kissed it softly, she blushed and grinned at him. I sighed and looked down and away, soon realizing that Amelia was approaching the table.

I smiled softly and stood up to greet her, she gave a small smile and had a remorseful look in her eye. "Hey." She spoke. I outstretched my arms and we hugged for a while, it was comforting to hug her again.

"How are you?" I asked as we both sat down. She brushed a stray hair back behind her ear, her hair was up in a topknot. She was dressed nicely as usual, a bohemian top and a maxi skirt to accentuate her tallness.

"I'm okay...yeah, I'm alright. Work is good, things are...okay. How 'bout you?" She asked, nervously. I bit my lip and gave a humourless smile, "Things...are...I don't know. Things have gone to shit. I lost my job, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, I don't even know who I am anymore...and I miss you."

She looked like she was going to cry, she swallowed hard, "I miss you too Avery, so much. I mean, I'm lost without you. And I did a shitty thing doing that to you, acting like that, treating you like that-"

"Amelia, don't. It's fine, I'm over it. I hurt you too, and I'm sorry, I just don't want us to fight anymore."

"Please, just let me do this." She looked at me pleadingly, so I nodded and let her continue.

"I can't believe I let a guy come between our friendship. I messed up our relationship Avery, and I'm sorry. I abandoned you when you needed me most and...Avery, I'm so sorry." She reached across the table and held my hand. I smiled and patted her hand, "I forgive you, but you have to forgive me too. I knew you had feelings for him, and I went ahead and ignored them. I'm sorry."

"I forgive you." She smiled. She rolled her eyes, "I can't believe how shallow and stupid I was, I mean, just thinking about it is embarrassing. I chased after a guy who I very well knew didn't like me in that way. I'm mortified at the way I acted. And I'm sorry I was kind of a jerk towards Hudson."

I laughed, "Don't worry about it. I'm sure he's forgotten about it."

A waitress came to the table and smiled cheerfully, "Hi, welcome to The Little Owl, can I start you two off with something to drink?" We gave her our order, Amelia's coke and my lemonade. When the waitress left, Amelia smiled at me and brought her hands up underneath her chin.

"So my girl is gonna have a baby."

My smile faltered and I lightly laughed, "Yeah, I am."

When Amelia noticed my change of expression, hers became concerned. "Ave, are you okay?"

I hesitated and sighed, "I don't know."

"You said you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're doing with your life? What do you mean by that?"

"Before I found out I was pregnant, like, literally half an hour before, I was sitting in Wagner's office and I had this...epiphany. I was sitting there looking through a National Geographic magazine, thinking about high school. Remember when Mr. Neilson asked us where we saw ourselves five years from then?"

She nodded.

"I just realized that I am nowhere near being who I want to be. Being where I want to be. I dream about it and have always wanted it, but now I feel that instead of taking one step closer, I am further away from it than I've ever been." I stared at her, feeling relieved that I've finally been able to tell someone how I really feel, but still feeling awful because of my reality.

She looked down, "Avery, I had no idea. Where do you want to be? Who do you want to be?"

I shrugged my shoulders, "I want to be a writer. I wanna travel the world and take pictures and write and experience different cultures. I wanna live. And now, all I can see for my future is being a housewife. Taking care of the baby, taking care of the house. Stuck. I mean, Amelia, don't you remember all the parties we used to go to? We'd be in the meatpacking district and by the end of the night we'd end up in Hoboken. I mean, that was living. The city was our playground, and now I can't do that anymore."

"I understand, Avery I'm so sorry, I didn't know how you felt. You're still a great writer Ave, you can't just give up. So what if the magazine fired you, screw them. You can do so much better than reviews of movies and albums. You are destined for so much more." She held my hands and I nodded, the waitress came and dropped off our drinks, asking if we needed a couple more minutes for the menus. We didn't even look at the menus yet, so we opted for the extra time.

Amelia spoke in a quiet voice, "So then this pregnancy, do you not want it?"

"No, I mean, I do. I love this child already, but I just don't know if I'm ready. I'm twenty-two years old Amelia, I'm supposed to be out there, living. And in four days I'm gonna be moving to a whole different country."

"I heard. Gemma told me." She sighed, "Have you talked to Hudson about this at all?"

I shook my head, "I don't know how. I mean, I tried and he thought I was thinking of leaving him."

"Oh, wow. So then how did he take the whole news of you being pregnant?"

I closed my eyes, "Not well. At all. I don't know if this baby is his or...not. He asked me to have an abortion after I told him, but I can't do that. I mean, I know it's no big deal for some women, but not me. I'm nine weeks along, and this baby is already a fetus."

"Yeah, wow. That's kind of dark, I didn't think he'd be the type to go for that." She bit her lip, "Aside from the pregnancy, and kind of going back to how you said you don't know what you want anymore...does this have anything to do with Christian?"

I hesitated. She held up a hand, "Don't worry, we can talk about him. That ship has sailed, the last time I talked to him was like, last week I think. After you two stopped talking."

I stared at her, my heart once again beating wildly at the thought of him. "I fell in love with him, Amelia. And he loved me, but I messed everything up and now he doesn't want anything to do with me. He probably hates me now."

She shook her head, "He doesn't hate you. He can't. Ave, the same day you were fired, he quit his job at Rolling Stone. That's what he told me. And the last time I saw him, last week, he was a mess. He could hardly focus, like, I've never seen him that way. If that doesn't say anything, I don't know what does."

My heart stilled, but also ached for him.

She watched me softly, and spoke quietly. "I know you love him Avery. And he still loves you. And I know that Hudson is a great guy, but I know you. I think you should follow your heart, as cheesy as that sounds. You're twenty-two, your life isn't over. Do what makes you happy...what does makes you happy?"

I impishly smiled, "Eating." I opened the menu, she laughed and I shook my head. "Amelia. I'm glad we're friends again, because I can talk to you about these things. And I wish I could follow my heart and my dreams. But I'm too far-gone to do what makes me happy. I don't even know what that is. I haven't written anything that I wanna write. At Rolling Stone it was nothing but these shitty reviews and pretentious interviews. Even with my own column I couldn't fully express myself."

"Then do it now. Write a blog or something. I'd hate to see your kind of talent wasted. You have so much potential, Avery." She half-smiled. "But I'm hungry too, so let's order something."

I smiled.

After lunch in the West Village, we found ourselves walking around Chelsea, stopping in front of the Chelsea Hotel and gazing up at the historic and infamous building. Amelia laughed, reaching for a handful of popcorn from the cracker jack box I was holding, "Can you believe we actually wanted to live here at one time? It's not even as cool as it was in the '60s."

I laughed, my arm linked with hers as we both studied the building. "I know, we thought it would be this hip, life-affirming experience. Smoking pot with old hippies, learning about life, living the dream. Apparently it's just classy old people who live here."

She turned and smiled at me, "It wouldn't be that bad living with old, classy people."

"True." I grinned.

"C'mon, let's get a cab and go back to my place. I was going through some old pictures of us yesterday, I wanna show them to you." She smiled as she pulled us to the edge of the sidewalk, as she waved down a taxi.

"Ugh, I can't believe I thought dressing like that was cool!" I covered my face and laughed at the mortifying photo of me as a freshman in high school. We sat on her bed looking at old photos.

"You were such a punk, black hair, torn up jeans, bleach stained tank top." Amelia fell over laughing, "But we were both fashion victims then. You were just a little worse." She giggled.

"I'm glad I grew out of that phase." I grinned and rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, I like you better as a blonde." She took a lock of my hair in her hand.

"I'm so glad we're friends again. Seriously." I smiled. "I know, me too. I've missed you like crazy." She smiled back, she sat back up and wrapped an arm around me.

She watched me for a moment, "So how long have you known that you've loved Christian?"

I closed my eyes and smiled, "I just recently came to terms with it. It was the same day I was fired that I told him that I loved him, it was also the same day that he turned me down. He said he was done waiting around...but um, I think I just tucked those feelings away for a long time."

"Avery, it's not too late. He's an amazing man, and just the way he'd look at you, you could tell how in love he was with you." She stroked my hair.

I began to get emotional, but I still smiled. "Amelia, he was so great. He was romantic, and well-read, and funny. And so handsome."

"You're telling me." She giggled, I laughed with her.

I sighed, "I think I got married too soon."

"You do?"

I nodded, "I was thinking about it the other day, if I had just broken up with Eric and not gone out with Hudson last year, I could've been with Christian today. It would've been the same way we met, in the shared office. We would've gone to New Orleans together and maybe something would have happened. And then we'd start dating and be together now."

"Yeah, wow that's so true." She nodded, "So do you think you're gonna stay with Hudson?"

I shrugged my shoulders, "Yeah. I mean, I love him, I really do. But I just don't know if I'm in love with him anymore. And I feel like I'm a terrible person for saying that, but it's how I'm feeling right now."

"Don't feel like a terrible person. We're allowed to have feelings. At least you're coming to terms with them." She rested her head on my shoulder, "Whatever you decide Avery, I'm here to support you 100%."

I smiled, "Thanks Amelia. That means the world to me to hear that." I looked at the clock on her dresser, it was 6:30. I sighed, "I should get going, he's gonna finish work in about half an hour."

She nodded and we stood up together, "Okay. I'm glad we did this today."

"Me too." I grinned, hugging her. "We're all going out on the 4th, the night before we leave. Gem, Ken, Jules and Ginny, Jack, my brothers and Max. You better come with us, 'cause it's going to be epic."

She grinned excitedly. "I can't wait."

We walked to the front door, I turned to her. "Okay, I'll text you later. Bye."

"Bye, love you." She smiled.

"Love you too, Amelia." I smiled back.