Mirrors

My conclusion upset me. After driving around for what seemed like hours, it gave me the time I needed, and I came to a conclusion that I knew would destroy me in the end. But it was up to Hudson. It would be his choice.

I sat in my parked car in front of The Dakota and argued with myself, going back and forth as to whether I should really call him, let alone be here in front of his building. But I took out my cell and found his number in the contacts; C.R for Christian Reid. I hesitated for a long while before actually being able to press his name, so I closed my eyes and did it, and when I heard the dial tone, I held the phone up to my ear and waited.

"Avery." He answered eagerly.

"Hi...um, I'm in front of your building, could...could I come up?"

"Yeah, of course you can, are you alright?" He sounded concerned.

"Um...I just...I don't know, Hudson and I had a fight, I just needed to get away I guess."

"Come up. Please."

"Okay." I hung up and got out of my car, quickly glancing all around to make sure no one I knew was here. When the coast was clear I quickly went into his building, and up to his place. Hesitating like always, I took a deep breath and knocked on his door.

It opened and he stood in the doorway with a faint smile on his face but with that look of concern in his eyes. "Come in." He softly spoke. Silently I entered in and lingered in the hallway with him; memories of the last time I was here flooded my mind but I shuddered them away. Because of them, my marriage is on the rocks. And being here is enough to break it, it's enough for Hudson to get up and leave.

A pain shot through my heart.

"Do you wanna go in and sit? We can talk." He stood before me and waited for me to speak. But I couldn't. I just nodded and followed him in, taking a seat on the couch. Amy Winehouse was playing quietly from his iPod dock and there was a drink and a book on the coffee table. I glanced at the book and smiled, "The Great Gatsby. It's one of my favourites."

He smiled and sat down next to me, "Yeah, same here. Must've read it, a hundred times or more. It's a good story."

My smiled faltered as I recalled the plot, "It's a sad one."

He watched me and I stared back at him, "...Can I get you a drink?"

I shook my head, "No thanks."

Again we were silent, but it was a comforting silence, 'cause I wasn't alone. That's the kind of silence I'm content with. When I'm alone, I feel as if I go mad, my thoughts fail to cease and rush throughout my mind and crash into each other like cars.

I cleared my throat, "I don't know if I've told you already, but...I'm sorry about that night Hudson came here...and hit you. He doesn't contain his emotions...well, anger all too well."

He smirked and shrugged his shoulder, "It's okay. I know he's angry, I think I can understand where he's coming from. Well, no, I do know...but I couldn't help myself." He stared at me and I could feel my face flush and I looked down.

"Avery, are you okay? What happened? Did he hurt you?" He watched me carefully, searching for the answer in my face. As I thought about the evening and all the things Hudson had said, all those words pierced right through me, but I put on a brave face and looked up at Christian again.

"We just had a fight. I guess we both said some things we shouldn't have. I just...I don't have anyone else to go to about this." I whispered. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but I fought them back and took another deep breath.

"What was the fight about?"

Again I shook my head, "I can't tell you what it was about..."

He nodded and placed his hand on my knee and I placed my hand on his, holding it firmly. I wanted to throw myself in his arms just so he could hold me, but I knew I couldn't. That would only be the first step to going back down that dark path again, I couldn't go back there.

"I hate seeing you this way. I wanna make you happy." He sighed, still holding onto my hand.

I looked down, "You know, I miss Amelia."

"Really?" He softly smiled.

"Yeah. We haven't talked in forever. She hates me, and that fight we had, like I could feel everything boiling in me and I just completely blew up at her and said things I shouldn't have. And I miss her, she was always there for me. Always." The tears were welling up as I gnawed at my cheek. "Seems like I'm getting into fights with everyone lately. My relationships with everyone I care about are...different now. Things are changing."

I let go of his hand and held my face as I started to cry, "And I'm trying to make my marriage work. I try and I try and I try. And it feels like it's never enough. I know I've made mistakes but I'm trying to make up for them. For the first time, I feel like my relationship is failing."

He was quiet, but he wrapped his arm around me and held me close as I cried. He stroked my hair and let me cry. Usually my pride would get in the way and I'd never let my vulnerability show, but it must be the pregnancy hormones or something.

"But Avery, is it really worth fighting for?" He spoke.

I opened my eyes and gently pulled away from his hold and looked at him, wiping away the tears. Watching him, I didn't know what to say, but my phone rang and I saw that it was Hudson. I got up quickly went into Christian's bedroom into the master bathroom, closing the door before answering his call.

"...Hello."

"Avery."

"Hi." My voice was quiet and my lower lip trembled.

"I'm so sorry." He sounded distressed.

I closed my eyes and dragged my hand through my hair, sitting on the edge of the tub. "Hudson. You're asking me to do something that I just won't do. I can't do. And I'm sorry you feel this way, I'm sorry that I've hurt you, I'm sorry for everything. I made a mistake and I'm trying to make it right." I started to cry, "I'm trying so hard, Hudson, can't you see?...And after driving around for a long time, it's given me time to think about this...and if leaving me is what you have to do, then fine. You don't have to do this. You don't have to do this."

He was silent for a long time, I didn't know whether he was still on the line, but I continued to cry, kneeling down onto the floor, waiting for him to say something. "Avery, what I said was...awful. I can't believe I asked you to do that, but you need to understand where I'm coming from. He is the reason I'm so upset. I love you, and I don't want you to let me go." His voice cracked and I could tell he had started to cry. "I'm not letting you go, I won't ever. Let's be a family, okay? Please come home Avery, please come home. It's gonna take me awhile to adjust, but I'll do it, I'll adjust. Please, come home."

I struggled against the tears and struggled against my pride, for a moment I had a sense of relief in the pit of my stomach, but I knew that things weren't going to end up being a-ok. But I needed him, and sometimes I felt like I needed him more than he needed me, but I had to brush that thought to the back of my mind and ignore it, because my husband was asking me to come home. I needed to go back to him. So I surrendered.

"Okay." I whispered.

"I'll be waiting for you...I love you."

"I love you too." I shut my eyes tightly and wiped away the tears before hanging up. You know that feeling when your heart is broken and it's like you can actually feel it, like your heart hurts or like you've been punched in the stomach? That feeling overwhelmed me, I was drowning in it 'cause a part of me felt like nothing was going right. Like nothing was ever going to be good again.

And I struggled to get up off the floor. I struggled to find that will to leave and get in the car and drive home. When I told Hudson that if leaving me was a way out for him, I was serious. Between him and the baby, I knew that I would end up choosing the baby, regardless of the outcome of my relationship with Hudson, and that was what broke my heart. Being put into a situation like this from my own shortcomings and having to come to this conclusion.

Slowly I walked out of Christian's room and back into the living area. He stood up when I entered the room and waited for me to speak. "I'm going back." I spoke quietly, as my breath rasped in my throat.

His expression was unreadable, but he nodded. "Are you sure?"

"I have to." I stared at him, my eyes burning from the tears that were shed throughout the day.

"...okay."

I began walking to the door and he followed me, opening it up for me. I turned to him, "Thank you, for listening to me."

He didn't say anything as I left.

The drive back to SoHo was long and silent. After parking the car, I went straight up to our loft and took out my keys to unlock the door. He stood in the dimly lit room and watched me as I came in. After taking off my coat and hanging it, I carefully placed my keys on the key hook. I turned to him again.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, sniffling.

My heart beat faster and I ran up to him, hugging him as tight as possible.

And like Stella Kowalski, from A Streetcar Named Desire, I would go back to Hudson just like she would always go back to Stanley, regardless of his recklessness and imperfections. I will always go back.