Mirrors

Stunned. That was the word to describe this feeling. Not only two minutes ago was I laughing and leading Blair into his apartment, carefree, not thinking of him. And as I walked in I could feel my world come crashing down to the earth again. Crashing down into reality.

I couldn't believe it. How could this be? How could he be here? It's been two months since we've last seen each other. Why was he here?

Staring at him, I couldn't help but notice that he hadn't changed, his eyes were still full of hope. His hair was in the same style. His face was clean-shaven as always. He was dressed casually.

"Hello, Avery." He spoke softly, staring at me in a gentle gaze as if nothing happened. Like being stabbed in the heart with an adrenaline shot, I was consumed with anger as I turned to Blair. "What's this?"

He looked surprised, giving me a look that combined bewilderment and fear. "What?"

I stepped toward him, angered by his answer. "Did you plan this? You set me up?!" I gritted my teeth.

"Avery, Christian asked me to do this for him. If you don't want this, I'll make him-" He stepped back, stumbling over his own feet. This was the first time I've seen him break composure like that.

"You set me up, why is he here?!" I shouted but was quickly interrupted by Christian. "Avery, he didn't plan this. I did. I just convinced him to let me use his apartment for this."

I was fuming as I stared hard at him, I blinked and looked back to Blair. "Is this true?"

"Yes." Blair became defensive.

"Why are you here?" I asked Christian bitterly.

"I want to talk to you privately, Blair, do you mind if you take off for a while?" He asked his friend. Blair made a face and stared at both of us, "Are you fucking kidding me? You come to my place and now you're asking me to leave. I'm supposed to be looking out for Avery."

"And you can continue to do so, later." Christian inhaled sharply, silently hoping that Blair would leave.

He rolled his eyes and shook his head, "I'm going back to the fucking party." He grabbed his car keys and left the apartment, slamming the door.

"Thank you." Christian called after him.

My arms were crossed tightly over my chest as I stared at him, furious.

"How...are you?" He stammered, dragging a hand through his hair.

"How am I?" I glared at him. "How am I? Well I'm pretty pissed off."

He closed his eyes in deep remorse and nodded, "I thought you would-"

"Well I wasn't gonna come running into your arms if that's what you thought." I retorted quickly.

"Avery, I'm so sorry." He sighed, walking toward me.

"Are you? Are you really, Christian?" I loudly asked him. "Why are you here? To come apologize?" He was close enough for me to hit his chest. I pushed him back and hit him again. "You broke my heart, Christian! I called you, I left you a message. I went to your place, but you weren't there. You left. I was shattered, I was at the point where I thought I'd never go back to "normal." And now you think it's fine to show up two months later and suggest we let bygones be bygones? You just left, Christian! You just left." My eyes burned from tears welling up in them and my throat felt like I had just swallowed razor blades.

"I know I hurt you Avery, I know you called, I still have your message on my phone. I listen to it every day. But do you honestly think it was easy for me to leave?"

"It must have been, since you were living somewhere else." I turned from him, I couldn't bear to look at him.

This time he ran both hands through his hair, "I told Amelia the reason why I left, now you need to know."

I listened and waited for him to continue.

"For so long I fought and hounded you to love me. To finally say those three words. But that night after Jann's party, when you made up your mind and chose Hudson, I knew that I needed to respect your decision. Especially with the baby." He closed his eyes as if he were in pain, "Avery, I loved you enough to let you go and respect your decision, despite how much it killed me. I thought I could get over you, I thought that if I ran away and went far enough away from you that it would make things easier, but it didn't. It made things worse. I still love you Avery and it killed me to leave."

It felt like my heart was crumbling into tiny pieces. With each deep breath and rise and fall of my chest, I tried to blink back that tears, but I covered my face and began to cry. I sat down on one of the chairs and broke down. "The baby is yours."

He watched me for a long time and nodded, "I know."

I looked up at him, tears in my eyes and sobs choking me. "Wh...how? You know?"

He stepped closer and crouched down in front of me, staring at me, "The same night, I knew you weren't telling the truth. I know you Avery, I know when you're not sure about something. In my heart I knew it was mine. That's what gutted me most of all. I had to keep reminding myself that sometimes love is about letting go." A tear escaped from his eye and he quickly wiped it away, sighing to himself.

Blinking back the tears and wiping the ones that have fallen, I gazed back at him. "I'm so sorry. I am so sorry Christian. I didn't tell you because I was confused, and I'm married to Hudson and I just...we had made all these plans and I wasn't thinking of your feelings...I'm so sorry."

"No, I know why you made that choice. I understand Avery, please don't beat yourself up. Despite everything, I've continued to love you, possibly even more than ever." Slowly and cautiously he reached his hand out to touch mine and I watched him carefully. The touch of his hand on mine made me still, this was the first time in two months I've felt him again, and I broke down and threw myself into his arms and cried, "I still love you Christian, so much."

"Oh Avery, Avery." He breathed, holding me close to him, both of us in a heap on the floor. Over and again I told him that I loved him. "I love you, I love you." And he stroked my hair, telling me the same.

Gently he held my face in his hands and studied my face as if we haven't seen each other in years. His blue eyes gave me the same feeling as when we first met, sending the butterflies in my stomach into a frenzy and my heart racing wildly. Soon his soft and warm lips met mine and lingered for a moment, taking in this moment. The taste of him sent flashbacks of all the kisses shared back into my memory, and roughly I fisted his hair and kissed him harder.

"Christian." I murmured, "I've missed you."

He kissed me back, his tongue dancing against mine. Soon his lips found their way to my jaw and he trailed kisses down to my neck, "I've missed you too, Ave." He stilled, leaving us both breathless and quiet. His eyes met mine and he gently stroked the side of my face, tears glistening in his eyes. "I never thought we'd be together again. I don't want to lose you, ever. I don't think my heart could take it."

I shook my head and closed my eyes, shuddering at the thought. "No, never. I'll never let you go."

He slowly smiled and leaned in, kissing me softly on the lips once more before giving a small laugh and placing his hand at my belly. "So this is our baby." He grinned, looking down.

"Our baby." I smiled back, feeling absolutely relieved that finally he knows and that we can share this special moment together.

"How far along are you?"

"Fifteen weeks."

"Wow...I can't believe it, we're gonna be parents." His smile was perfect, his eyes were hopeful and his words were honest and gentle. And I was falling more in love with him than ever.

His gaze quickly met mine, "Are we having a boy or girl?"

Giving my shoulders a shrug, I answered him, "I don't know yet, I have an ultrasound next week. It's the moment of truth, finding out if we're having an Avery or a Christian." My heart skipped a beat at the thought, having a child with him.

His smile faltered and he looked down, "So...what are you going to do about Hudson?"

My expression mimicked his and I sighed heavily, shaking my head, "Christian, I'm not happy with him anymore. I haven't been happy since we left. Things have changed between him and I, he's different now."

He nodded, "I want to take you away from that life." He held my face in his hands and kissed my forehead before resting his against mine.

"Take me, I'm yours." I breathed shallowly, clutching his shirt. I opened my eyes and remembered that I had hit him a few times, I rubbed his chest, "I hope I didn't hurt you."

He smiled and gave a small laugh, "No, I didn't even notice."

I gave a small smile, feeling relieved. "Good, I don't ever want to hurt you."

His expression faltered and he looked down, "Avery, I owe you another apology."

"For?" I watched and waited for him.

"It's been bothering me ever since I said it. When I made that off-hand comment about your brother being gay. Avery, I'm sorry I said that."

I smiled and lightly laughed, "Christian, that was a long time ago. It's fine."

"No it's not, I'm not a homophobic person. I am all for gay rights as much as anyone else. I am as democratic as you can get. I didn't mean to insult you by saying that."

I watched him and smiled softly, "I forgive you. It's water under the bridge now."

He smiled back and looked relieved. For several moments we sat quietly, just watching each other, studying each others features as if we hadn't seen each other in ages. It felt like ages.

Leaning into him, I planted small kisses on his lips. He smiled and kissed me back, "So...what do we do now?"

I laughed, "I don't know. I wasn't planning on coming back to this apartment to see you."

"Well how 'bout we go back to my hotel room, and we can talk, catch up."

I smiled warmly, "Yes, that sounds lovely."

"Good." He slowly got up and helped me to my feet. I paused, "Are we coming back here or should I bring an overnight bag?"

His lips quirked into a smile, "Bring an overnight bag."

I blushed and nodded, "Okay." He followed me into Blair's room and looked around as I quickly packed a pair of clothes into the bag I used as my carry-on. Finally after I closed my bag, he took my hand and we left the building.

He hailed a cab for us and made my heart skip a beat when he spoke French so smooth and perfectly to the driver, asking him to take us to the Champs Elsyées hotel, where Christian had been staying. The entire drive we didn't dare let go of each others hand, and upon arrival at the hotel and the elevator ride up to his floor, we needed to distance ourselves from the other.

The chemistry we shared was electric and strong, and the way we looked fixedly at each other reminded me of the days at Rolling Stone. But this wasn't work, and we weren't in New York. And my husband wasn't around.

In his room, he had barely closed the door before pressing me against it and kissing me deeply, his hands eagerly clutching at my hips, pushing his growing erection against me. "I know we're supposed to catch up, but I think that can wait till later...I need you. Now."

My eyes closed as I bit my lip, stifling a moan and grasping his shoulder roughly, digging my fingertips into it. "Okay."

He pushed my legs apart and proceeded to pick me up, his eyes were a burning blue and his gaze penetrated me as he carried me to the bedroom. With ease he opened and closed the door to the room, and gently set me down on the bed. He reached for the remote on the dresser and pressed a button, and soon the sensual croon of Lana Del Rey began playing, and I smirked, watching him.

He knelt before me and pulled me to the edge of the bed, his breath hitched and his fingers trembled as he slowly ran his hands up and down my thighs. I became breathless at his touch, his soft hands gently making themselves known to my skin. Eventually, he reached for the back of my dress and began to pull the zipper down to the small of my back.

I slipped my arms out of the dress and leaned back on my elbows as he tugged at the rest of it, pulling it off of me, leaving me only in my lavender lace panty. He leaned down and planted a small kiss on my stomach, carefully stroking it and smiling softly. I smiled as I watched him.

Sitting up, I lifted his chin and kissed him, murmuring into our kiss. "You gave me something beautiful." My hand rested on his, that remained on my stomach. I reached for his t-shirt and pulled it up, feeling his sculpted abs and already growing excited.

He kissed me back, "You give me everything." He swiftly took off his shirt and tossed it aside, kicking off his shoes just as quickly before crawling onto the bed, hovering over me and gazing down. His lips crashed against mine and kisses were passionate and deep, and a soft moan escaped my lips as he rolled his hips against mine.

As he dragged his mouth down along to neck to my collarbone, I swore from biting my lip so hard, it would bleed soon. "Fuck, Christian, I need you." I reached down and cupped him, gently rubbing my hand against him through his jeans. He stilled for a moment and his lips parted, giving a soft moan at my touch.

"Fuck it." He murmured to himself, awkwardly sitting back on his knees to undo his jeans and taking them off along with his boxer briefs. He took no time in taking off my underwear and it sent a surge of ecstasy throughout my body.

His hand moved from my stomach down further till it rested between my legs and my hips bucked at the feel of his fingers. He slowly smiled as he used his thumb to make small circles against my clit, and I gasped as soon as a finger entered in. I covered my eyes and moaned loudly while he slowly pulled his finger in and out, teasing me and sending my body into a frenzy. He brought his finger up to his mouth and sucked it for a moment, his lips curved into that sexy smile of his. "Oh, you're ready."

I smiled at the thought and closed my eyes as he entered in. The night was pure and full of passion, a night that Christian and I needed. The sweet scent of him brought back fond memories of the first time we made love, and the feelings I had for him then, the ones I was too afraid to share with him.

But now we're here, together, without anyone or anything trying to keep us from each other. In love and finally being able to freely express it.

His arms were wrapped around me and mine were wrapped lazily around his waist as we laid in bed together, with nothing but the sheet covering us. I lifted a hand and ran my fingers through his hair, smiling up at him sweetly. "I love you."

He leaned closer and kissed my forehead, "I love you more."

"I'm so glad I'm able to say that freely. Out loud. Not just keeping it to myself." I breathed a sigh of relief, resting my head against his smooth chest.

"I'm glad for that too. And I'm grateful that you didn't kick me out of Blair's apartment." He chuckled.

"I could never do that." I replied soon after. "I don't ever want this moment to end."

"It doesn't have to." He whispered, holding me closely. "I won't let it."