Mirrors

June 26th, Monday

In the hotel bedroom, I rested against propped pillows watching my third Barbra Streisand film of the day; the first was Funny Girl, the second being A Star is Born and this one was my favourite, The Way We Were. Unfortunately they all left me emotional.

The evening was settling in and in my hands I held and studied a custom watch I had bought for Hudson, for our anniversary on Wednesday. It was stainless steel and had a large face, designed by Movado. I figured he'd find it useful since he always relied on his phone for the time, having an actual watch would make him look even more sophisticated.

Turning the watch over, I gently traced my fingertips over the inscription on the inside; Holbrook William Hudson.

A sinking feeling turned my stomach to knots and I closed my eyes, fighting back the tears that had been almost too hard to hold back these past few days.

Christian was out with Blair for the day and I figured that spending some alone time here would do me good. But torturing myself with sad movies didn't make this solitude easy.

Since Christian and I had reunited, I hadn't let myself think about the reality of what I am going to do tomorrow when I go back to London. I didn't ever think I'd say goodbye to Hudson and leave him, even though I had considered it before, but this was all so very real now and the stifled feelings during this week were overwhelming me. My heart ached at the thought, though I know it's what I have to do in order for Christian and I to be together.

I just can't help but think of all the memories Hudson and I have made up until now, and on Wednesday June 28th, it will have been a year. On that day, everything will be over.

Tears escaped my eyes and I placed the watch back neatly into the black box, I closed it and tied the satin ribbon back around it. I lowered my head and silently cried, pulling my knees up to my chest and hugging them tightly, feeling as if I were going to burst with emotion. Despite all that we've been through and all the hurt we've put each other through, I still love him. I'm not in love with him like I once was, but I continue to love him and I won't deny it. Even after breaking up with Eric, I still loved him. This is the kind of thing, the kind of feeling, that you can't easily let go of. Even a long time after, it still lingers. Those thoughts will creep up from the back of your mind and you'll catch yourself thinking of them maybe for a moment, maybe for a day, or for even the rest of the week.

Love isn't something you can just shake off and walk away from without being hurt. And this just makes it harder to leave.

Wiping away the escaped tears, I reached for a kleenex and wiped my eyes and nose, trying to calm myself down, not wanting Christian to come back to an emotional wreck.

I had decided that I wouldn't tell Hudson that I'm having a girl. And I won't tell him about Christian, or much of anything that went on during my stay here in Paris. We've been having problems for a long time and I just don't see any reason to add more fuel to the fire.

Just breathe, just breathe. I need to compose myself and be brave.

In Hudson's Life

The restaurant was closed for the night and the staff had all left for the night. I leant against the counter of the bar and stared at the floor, my hands grasping the opposite elbows firmly as I was in a bit of a hunched position, in deep thought.

My hand had met my forehead and I closed my eyes, rubbing my forehead and pinching the bridge of my nose in stress.

The room was quiet until I heard a chair move and Nora's footsteps approaching. We had been in silence for a long time now, and she came up behind me and slipped her arms around my torso, hugging me and resting her head against the back of my shoulder. My tired and sore eyes had shut more tightly and I tensed up.

"What is it, Holbrook? You've been so distant this past week, and today especially. What's wrong?" She cooed softly, being the concerned person she is.

Taking in a breath after putting my deep thoughts on hold, I shrugged her off of me and gazed in the mirror across us, at her. "We need to stop this."

She blinked at me and said nothing.

"I have a wife to think of. And a child." I swallowed hard.

"Holbrook...what about everything you said that night? Two weeks ago you told me you...loved me. You said you loved me Holbrook, you said we'd live happily ever after." She stammered, blinking back the tears as her face flushed. She knotted her fingers and looked down, making a whimpering sound.

I turned to face her, "Things have changed."

"What has changed? Were you just lying to me?" She started to cry. "Holbrook, I love you."

"I'm sorry Nora, for everything." I breathed slowly.

"Is that all you can say?" She sobbed into her hand, "How could you? Why would you do this to me?"

"I shouldn't have made those promises. I shouldn't have said anything."

"But you did!" She cried.

"I thought that by doing this, I could get back at Avery. I was jealous and wanted revenge, but now I realize that I don't want this. This isn't how I thought I'd feel. That's why we need to put an end to...everything."

Almost in a stagger, she stepped backward till she sat down on a chair and buried her face in her hands. I sighed and felt awful for doing this to her, but what hurt worse was the guilt boiling inside of me. My hands were tucked into my pockets and I looked down at the floor, not wanting to make eye contact.

"So, you were just...using me then?" She spoke in a whisper, shaking her head, sniffling and struggling to catch her breath, hiccupping every now and again.

"Things...were just so emotionally distant between Avery and I, and...and I just wanted to feel connected to someone. And there you were, so willing to have me in your life."

"But you used me!" She shouted, her eyes red and glossy. "You don't actually care about me, say it!"

"I do, Nora! You know I do, but you know that I have my reasons for ending this. Please Nora, don't make this so hard." My scalp prickled and I looked away.

"Don't make this so hard? How is that even possible? Holbrook, it destroyed me when we broke up the last time, and in March you were so sweet. Things had felt like the way they used to, when we were young and innocent....that was all I wanted Holbrook." She closed her eyes and dropped her head in surrender.

"You need to let go of the past." I spoke lowly.

"Have you?" She breathed.

"Yes." I lied.

For a long time after that, we were in silence. She sat there quietly and gazed at the floor, and I leant against the bar, my frame tense and my expression of stone.

Finally she rose to her feet and walked up to me, placing her hand at the side of my face and bringing my gaze to hers. She softly kissed my cheek and stepped back, turning away and leaving. Leaving me here, alone in the restaurant.

My heart pounded in my chest and my throat burned, my emotions had betrayed me and tears came to my eyes. I fought back the pain and took deep breaths, trying to remain composed. Breathing deep, in and out. In and out. In and out.