My City

Ben had never felt like a more worthless piece of shit as he sat in his parent’s basement, his hands shaking. He had blown it, all those people looked up to him and he had let them all down. And for what? For two fucking Styrofoam cups and fitting in at a party with no one he even knew. His hands were shaking as his stomach rolled, wondering how he was going to break this to everyone. What would his dad say? Would his mother cry when she found out her son, who had turned his life around, had become the same gutter trash he had always been?

Finally a knock on the door broke him from his thoughts. He didn’t even have to say a word before it opened and he saw Seattle there, drenched from the rain outside and a panicked look on her face. He knew she had to know, had to see the shame, the air of failure that was suffocating the room. But she simply slipped of her jacket, tugging off her beanie as she closed the door and flipped on the lights.

“Ben?” She whispered.

Her voice was something that could always make him feel better, after hangovers, long nights, and disappointing news from record companies, that voice always gave him hope. He pressed his lips together as he thought about having to tell her, having to let her know she’d gone to all those AA meeting with him for nothing. The thought of the pain in her eyes was enough to bring tears to his eyes, and Seattle immediately rushed over, sitting beside him.

“Ben what’s wrong? Please, you’ve got to talk to me.” He didn’t look at her, he just kept his gaze on the floor as she started guessing. “Did Trisha break up with you?”

“No.”

“Did she cheat on you or something?”

“No.”

There was a long pause before Seattle turned to him again, searching his face.

“Is she pregnant?”

“This has nothing to do with Trisha, why do you always attack her?!” He snapped. Seattle shot back, her eyes wide as Ben sighed running a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” She lied. He just looked at her, knowing after all these years she bit the inside of her cheek when she lied, and right now it looked like she’d gnaw a hole through it. Finally she let out a soft sigh, turning to him. “So what happened?”

“Sea…” He paused, taking in a shaky breath. “I relapsed.” She looked at him for a long time before the first tear slid down her cheek, followed by another before she quickly wiped them away.

“What happened?” She asked, turning to him. He knew that she would be the hardest to tell, the one who’d begged him to get sober. And after what he’d done to her on Christmas Eve, it was the last straw. But now here they were, sitting on his bed as he struggled to keep himself together.

“I was at a party and I just… I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? Ben what the fuck do you mean you don’t know?”

“I just, I saw the cups and my body just took over.” There was a long silence as she just looked at him, her eyes blurry with tears as she took in a shaky breath.

“You threw away everything to fit in at a party?” She finally whispered. He could hear the pain in her voice, the betrayal, and it was killing him. He reached towards her, wanting to hold her I his arms, but she pushed his hands away. “How could you?” She demanded.

“Seattle I-”

“No, I don’t think you understand Ben, I can’t lose you. I won’t. Not for something that worthless.” Tears started pouring down her face again as she collapsed into Ben’s arms. He gripped her tightly, running his fingers through her hair. They stayed like that for what seemed like hours, Ben going back to every other time he would hold her when she cried. He remembered her crying over not having a date to prom, when her dog died, when she confessed she was worried she was going to find him dead in his room, and now. Finally he spoke, his voice quiet and muffled by her hair.

“Seattle?”

“Yeah?”

“Why do you do this to yourself?”

“Do what?” He kissed the top of her head softly, causing her to blush.

“Care about a fuck up like me.” He murmured. She pulled away, pressing her lips together before she cradled his face in her small hands. She let her fingers trace over every contour of his cheeks before they slipped into his hair. She pulled his forehead to hers, making him look into her eyes.

“You are not a fuck up Ben.” She choked out, tears starting to slip down her cheeks again. “You made a mistake, but we’re going to get through this. And this time we’re going to do this right. We’re going to go to meetings every week, go through the book, and…” She stopped, smiling sadly at him. “I’m going to do it with you. You’re not alone in this alright?” With that she pulled his head down softly, pressing her lips to his forehead. “We’re going to kick it for good.”

Ben didn’t know what to say, so he simply grabbed her, gripping her tightly and burying his face in her neck. She gripped him back, simply running her fingers through his hair. She gently kissed the top of his head, her tears running down until they were caught in the strawberry blonde locks. They stayed like that for a long time before Seattle let out a short sigh.

“I should go.”

“No.” He pleaded. “Seattle, please stay.” He whimpered, gripping her sweater tightly between his fingers like a child. “Stay here.” She sighed, knowing that should Trisha come by she’d obviously be suspicious and probably go postal, but her friend needed her. Ben was fragile right now, and Seattle was scared that if she pulled away he would shatter. So she kicked off her shoes as Ben pulled her back into his arms. She kept kissing his head, gripping him as they both slowly laid down, side by side.

She felt like a kid again as she looked into those perfect blue eyes of his. She wanted to kiss him, to tell him that she’d loved him for so many years, but it still felt like she was seeing his eyes every time for the first time. She wanted to tell him she remembered Ryan’s party and that it was the greatest night of her life. She wanted to tell him so many things, but she couldn’t find the words. So she gripped him tightly, trying to make him feel her heart, the heart that belonged entirely to him, as they slowly fell asleep.



“What the fuck is this?!” Ben woke with a jolt, and when he saw Trisha he winced, immediately getting up as Seattle did the same.

“Trish, let me explain.”

“Oh really? Explain why you were spooning with another girl?!” She roared. “I can’t believe you!”

“Trish, nothing happened-” Seattle tried, but the blonde turned to her with dark eyes.

“Don’t you dare speak to me you slag!” She then turned back to Ben, giving his a hard shove. “How long have you been fucking her?”

“We didn’t do anything Trisha.” Ben swore, grabbing her hands.

“Then why was she here?!” Trisha screamed, pointing an accusing finger in Seattle’s face. Ben looked guiltily at the ground. He was terrified of telling Trisha he’d relapsed when she was already like this. But just as he opened his mouth they heard Seattle’s voice.

“I came over here.” Seattle said quietly. Both of them turned to her as she took in a deep breath. “I had a pregnancy scare, and Ben was here for me. He took me to the store and got me a test because I was a fucking wreck. Then when we found out it was negative I was so relieved that I just kind of passed out.” Trisha looked at Seattle for a long time, her eyes steely.

“Who was the guy?” Seattle sighed again, pressing her lips together.

“I went and saw Jake.” She murmured. Trisha and Ben both stopped at the mention of the only man Seattle had ever seen somewhat seriously. However after Ben had found her crying, finally making her confess that Jake had shoved her and told her she was worthless, Ben had beaten the handsome man half to Hell and forbid Seattle from ever seeing him again. He prayed that Seattle was making the story up as all the anger evaporated from Trisha’s body and she gripped the small brunette.

“Honey, you don’t need him.” She whispered. “He’s not worth a second chance.”

“I couldn’t help it.” Seattle whimpered. “He showed up with flowers and an apology and I just fell for it again.” Ben just watched the exchange, praying that Seattle would start nibbling the inside of her cheek, but she never did. He felt sick as he realized that he had been so caught up in his own shit that he’d never even checked on Seattle. She’d put up her damn walls again, hadn’t let him in, except when she used it now to protect him.

Finally she got herself together, smiling softly at Ben. “Well, I really should be going.” She murmured.

“Are you sure Sea?” Trisha whispered, pulling back as Seattle nodded.

“Yeah, I’m going to go tell Jake that I’m not taking him back.” Trisha smiled softly, gripping the smaller girl again as Ben walked up.

“I’ll walk you to the door.” He said softly. He gave Trisha a small kiss before he and Seattle made their way back up the stairs, both of them quiet before Ben was sure no one would hear them. “Please tell me you were lying with that Jake pregnancy scare thing.” He whispered. She stayed quiet and he let out a long sigh. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want you to worry.”

“Seattle, you’ve got to talk to me about shit like that. I don’t want there to be secrets between us.” She sighed, pressing her lips together as they stood in the doorway.

“Some secrets need to be kept, otherwise they just ruin everything.”

“No they don’t, because you work through them Sea.” He whispered. “If you keep shit like that hidden away inside of you it kills you in the end.” She slowly nodded, nibbling her bottom lip. “So, is there anything you want to tell me?” There was an uncomfortable silence as she obviously tried to say something, but finally she sighed and shook her head.

“No.”

“Seattle-”

“Go be with Trisha.” She said quietly. She then gave him a quick hug before running out the door, leaving Ben confused in the doorway. He wanted to run after her, demand that she tell him what she was hiding, but he just stood there. Finally he sighed, turning around and heading back inside. And little did he know, that he would regret that decision for the rest of his life.