Pretty Girl

Normally on most days, on good days, I was standing on the edge of a rocky cliff that hangs over an endless ocean. Most days the ground that I am standing on is sturdy and solid and keeps me standing. Sometimes however, I fall, but I manage to catch myself. My fingers gripping onto the lip of the cliff, doing all I can not to let go. If I let go, I knew that I wouldn't survive. Even if I missed the jagged rocks thousands of feet below me and land in the ice water, I can't swim forever.

I was struggling, I knew that I was going to let go of the cliff's edge soon. I was too tired to fight; too tired to try and pull myself back up. No amount of medication, doctor visits, or even Teddy could help me. I was in a battle with myself and my demons and my demons always had an unfair advantage.

Teddy could tell that I was barely hanging on. It made me sad that he could easily recognize all of the signs before myself or any of my family could.

"Come on, Baby," Teddy said shaking me lightly. The alarm clock was going off somewhere in the distance.

I didn't move though, I laid perfectly still on my bed. My eyes still shut and my chest rising and falling with every breath I took. I wondered how many more breaths I would be taking. How many more until I died?

Teddy's lips were pressed against my temple, my check, the corner of my chapped lips. "Are you getting up today?"

I don't answer him but I don't need to for him to know what's going through my head. The bed shifts as Teddy's feet find the clothing covered floor. Within seconds Teddy is carrying me bridal style from my room and into the bathroom that is across the hall.

He sets me on the toilet then begins to strip me of my sweats that I had worn all weekend. I'm ashamed to say but this isn't Teddy's first time undressing me to get me into the shower. "I'm sorry," my voice sounds foreign.

He shakes his head, shimming his grey sweats down my legs. My body is now bare and I'm cold. Teddy turns to turn on the shower and allows the water to warm up before he helps me in. If I let him, Teddy would most likely wash me.

Once the warm water hit me, another battle inside my brain started to take place. The water seemed to awaken the small part of me that likes to look perfect. The small part that was hidden in the mass of black pools of depression. I scrubbed, washed, shaved until I no longer felt homeless. Then once the water was off I went back to having no energy. The perfectionist part of me was hidden again.

I waited in a towel on my bed for Teddy to come back from his shower. When he returns he's wearing a simple blue zip-up over a black shirt with faded jeans. "Do I need to dress you too?" He asked as a joke but I knew that there was a serious part about his question.

I shake my head. "I'll do it."

I takes me a long time sifting through the baskets of clothes and the mess in my dresser and closet. I settle for what I wear almost every day. A crewneck sweater with leggings and tennis shoes. I slide my elephant ring back onto my right middle finger as Teddy clasps my necklace around my neck.

"I woke your mom and Emma up when I got out of the shower. They should be getting breakfast soon. Want me to make you anything?"

I shake my head again but I take his hand and intertwine my fingers with his. He leads me like a puppy to my kitchen. I take a seat at the kitchenette and watch Teddy look through the pantry for something to eat. He settles for cereal for himself but gets the bread to make toast for myself. Teddy works quietly cutting up an orange as the bread is toasting. We make eye contact as he places the piece of toast and cut up orange in front of me.

"I'm not hungry," I say quietly.

"Well that's too damn bad. Eat," He said turning away to fill his bowl with sugary cereal and milk. "Want your pills now or after you eat?"

"I don't want them at all."

"We'll go with now."

Teddy unscrews a couple orange bottles and dumps small, white pills out into his hand. He sets them by my untouched breakfast with a glass of water. I glare at him as I pick them up and place them into my mouth and gulp them down with a drink of water.

"Happy?" I open my mouth wide and swirl my tongue around for him to see that I did indeed swallow the stupid pills.

"You have no idea."

I run my fingers over Teddy's white knuckles as his hand rested on my thigh as I sat in on the passenger side of his car. I really didn't understand how I got here. All I wanted to do was to crawl back into bed and block out the world but the more I pushed away from everyone the more Teddy persisted into doing anything social.

I watched Teddy from the passenger seat. I watched the way he concentrated on the road in front of him, occasionally singing along to the songs coming from the radio. I didn't understand why he was friends with me. I was a terrible person. I take and use and push him around without even saying thank you.

I watch as we pass by our school and head to the outskirts of town. "Where are we going?"

"Out," Teddy says simply.

I know what out means. We were going to borrow Teddy's dad's boat and float aimlessly through the different canals. We hadn't done it in a while but I also haven't had a meltdown in a while.

The water is calm, the bow cuts easily through the dark glass. Teddy is at the helm, guiding the boat in the direction of the river. Finally as the river spills out into the Atlantic and the current picks up, drifting us faster and further out into sea.

We didn't go out far; we could still see the beach along the hazy horizon. This was the only place where I felt comfortable, where I could breathe easily.

"You can tell me 'I told you so' now," I say leaning over the edge of the boat to scoop up the salty water.

"Why would I do that?" Teddy said dropping the anchor.

"You knew that Elijah was bad news. You warned me and I didn't listen."

"I always warn you and you never listen."

"Your right, that's why you have the right to tell me you told me so."

"I'm not going say it," Teddy envelops me in a long embrace. My ear presses up against his chest where his heart is and I listen to the beat. Teddy sets his chin on the top of my head. And at the moment I feel like nothing can hurt me, I couldn't do any wrong.

I was surprised that my phone began to ring. We weren't far from shore but I didn't think that I would get service from out here. I checked the caller ID, in big bold letters it read Mom.

"Hello?"

"Sam's in the hospital. Claire, she over dosed."