Status: newest story.
Pretty Girl
five.
I sat in a hospital chair that was positioned close to the hospital bed that Sam's body occupied. If it wasn't for the constant beeps that monitored her pulse and heartbeat, I'd swear she was dead. Her porcelain skin was now eerily gray. The shine and luster in her hair was gone, and her once soft lips were chapped and tinted blue.
If I had anymore tears left in my body, I would be crying, but I used them all up in the waiting room while the team of doctors and nurses worked on pumping all of the alcohol and pills out of my sister's stomach. Teddy rocked my back and forth in one of the waiting room chairs as I cried into the crook of his neck.
I wanted Teddy to be here with me now, but there could only be one visitor at a time, and he had left to pick Emma up from school. He would be the one to tell Emma what had happened, because my mother and I certainly couldn't handle doing much of anything at this moment.
Teddy came back though, with Emma at his side. She was of course indifferent to everything going on around her. Everyone in this family had fucked up issues and I was beginning to suspect hers was being a sociopath. Emma did embrace me in a comforting hug when she saw my tear streaked face so the thought vanished from my mind. She was still too young to fully understand everything that was going on around her.
I found myself wrapped in Teddy's gangly arms. I allowed myself to sink into him, knowing full well that he would keep me standing. I was afraid that the worst would happen. The worst being that the machines that were monitoring Sam's vital signs suddenly flat-lined. The constant spikes that indicated every beat of her fragile heart were gone, poof.
No one knew how long Sam was laying there on her dorm room floor before her roommate found her with a note clutched in her hand. No one knew how many pills she took or how much alcohol she ingested. We didn't even know why she was laying on the floor instead of her bed. We just had the empty orange prescription bottles and the bottle of generic vodka. And the note, we had the note. The note that contained the last thoughts before she swallowed what should have been a lethal dose of anti-depressants. The note that was written for me.
I was too busy trying to fight everyone else's battles that I didn't realize I had lost my own.
It wasn't addressed to me or anything, but I know that the battles she fought were mine. It made me sick to my stomach at the thought that I almost killed my own sister. It felt like I shoved the pills down her throat and held her mouth shut until she gulped down every last one.
Teddy was reading my mind again. "This isn't your fault. It's nobody's fault. Sam doesn't blame you."
"But I blame me," I whisper into his shirt.
Teddy pulled away only slightly, he cupped my face with his calloused hands, drying my cheeks with the pads of his fingertips. He didn't say anything back to me, I know that he wanted to but his mouth remained shut, in a tight thin line.
"Come on let’s eat," Teddy finally says. I don't want to eat but I nod. He releases me from his grasp and I immediately miss his touch. My body ached for it. Not in a sexual way but definitely in an emotional way.
I watched him cross the small waiting room to stand in front of the chair my mother has occupied since we first arrived here. She hasn't moved a bit, she just stares in front of her with a glazed over look on her face. Teddy crouched down until they were at eye level with each other.
"Joan?" I hear him say softly. "We're going to go eat now, come on." Teddy brushed her pale blonde hair behind her ear.
I wondered if this is what it looked like when he was talking to me, coaxing me gently into doing the simplest of tasks. It was like Teddy was talking to a wounded animal or an infant. My mom just continued to stare right through Teddy as if he wasn't even there.
He got up suddenly and went to the nurses’ station. I couldn't hear what he was saying the nurse on duty but she looked over his shoulder, to my mom, nodded then walked off. She returned moments later with a wheel chair. She rolled it to where my mom was sitting and put up the brakes. I watched her as she unclipped a colorful, thick belt that hung around her waist and put it around my mom's torso and pulled on the extra rope until it was snug against her small frame. The nurse counted to three then lifted my mom to a standing position by using the belt. The lady turned so my mom was now standing in front of the wheelchair and was now being lowered into it.
"There you go. If you need any more help, don't hesitate to ask," she told Teddy.
Emma waited with my mom at a table for four while Teddy and I went through the line in the hospital cafeteria to get us dinner. Teddy got four trays and one the first on placed a turkey salad and bottle of water, the next two were the same; slices of greasy pizza and medium cups to be filled with sodas. On the fourth and last one Teddy put only applesauce onto the tray.
"Is that one mine?" I asked nodding towards the one with applesauce on it as he handed me two trays.
"No. The salad is yours."
"I'm not hungry."
"Do you want a bed beside Sam?" Teddy looked at me seriously. I shook my head meekly. "Then you're going to eat your damn salad."
"Fine," I mumbled, following Teddy to the register.
"I'm paying for all four of these," Teddy told the older gentleman as he produced a few bills.
Teddy and Emma talked as they ate their pizza and drank their sugary beverages. I tried to listen to what Emma had been saying while picking through my salad. Each time Teddy looked at me I made a point to take a bite until all that was left was the nasty water filled Iceberg lettuce. My mom hadn't touched her applesauce. Teddy took notice to it too.
"Joan, why don't you eat some of your applesauce?" He said as if she wasn't unresponsive.
Teddy didn't push her, instead he went back to the casual conversation with Emma that was sitting beside me. I couldn't continue to be here. Not with Sam still unconscious and certainly not with my mother acting like this.
"I'm fucking sick of this! Your daughter tried to kill herself because you are such a shit excuse of a mother! Stop acting like a victim and do the right thing for once in your life! Teddy shouldn't be holding us together, that is supposed to be your job!" I start to shout at her. Finally she raises her head to look directly at me but doesn't speak so I continue, "Why don't you do us all a favor and you go kill yourself? Then Sam, Emma and I can go live like the fucking Boxcar Children and then maybe we'll finally get to know what happy feels like!"
I stand, flipping my mom's tray of applesauce sending it into her lap. I give a few heavy and heated breaths before looking around to see that the cafeteria had grown silent and their attention was all on me. I gave Teddy a pained look before stalking out of the cafeteria and out of the hospital all together.
The things that I had said were mean but the worst thing about it was that I meant every bit of it.
If I had anymore tears left in my body, I would be crying, but I used them all up in the waiting room while the team of doctors and nurses worked on pumping all of the alcohol and pills out of my sister's stomach. Teddy rocked my back and forth in one of the waiting room chairs as I cried into the crook of his neck.
I wanted Teddy to be here with me now, but there could only be one visitor at a time, and he had left to pick Emma up from school. He would be the one to tell Emma what had happened, because my mother and I certainly couldn't handle doing much of anything at this moment.
Teddy came back though, with Emma at his side. She was of course indifferent to everything going on around her. Everyone in this family had fucked up issues and I was beginning to suspect hers was being a sociopath. Emma did embrace me in a comforting hug when she saw my tear streaked face so the thought vanished from my mind. She was still too young to fully understand everything that was going on around her.
I found myself wrapped in Teddy's gangly arms. I allowed myself to sink into him, knowing full well that he would keep me standing. I was afraid that the worst would happen. The worst being that the machines that were monitoring Sam's vital signs suddenly flat-lined. The constant spikes that indicated every beat of her fragile heart were gone, poof.
No one knew how long Sam was laying there on her dorm room floor before her roommate found her with a note clutched in her hand. No one knew how many pills she took or how much alcohol she ingested. We didn't even know why she was laying on the floor instead of her bed. We just had the empty orange prescription bottles and the bottle of generic vodka. And the note, we had the note. The note that contained the last thoughts before she swallowed what should have been a lethal dose of anti-depressants. The note that was written for me.
I was too busy trying to fight everyone else's battles that I didn't realize I had lost my own.
It wasn't addressed to me or anything, but I know that the battles she fought were mine. It made me sick to my stomach at the thought that I almost killed my own sister. It felt like I shoved the pills down her throat and held her mouth shut until she gulped down every last one.
Teddy was reading my mind again. "This isn't your fault. It's nobody's fault. Sam doesn't blame you."
"But I blame me," I whisper into his shirt.
Teddy pulled away only slightly, he cupped my face with his calloused hands, drying my cheeks with the pads of his fingertips. He didn't say anything back to me, I know that he wanted to but his mouth remained shut, in a tight thin line.
"Come on let’s eat," Teddy finally says. I don't want to eat but I nod. He releases me from his grasp and I immediately miss his touch. My body ached for it. Not in a sexual way but definitely in an emotional way.
I watched him cross the small waiting room to stand in front of the chair my mother has occupied since we first arrived here. She hasn't moved a bit, she just stares in front of her with a glazed over look on her face. Teddy crouched down until they were at eye level with each other.
"Joan?" I hear him say softly. "We're going to go eat now, come on." Teddy brushed her pale blonde hair behind her ear.
I wondered if this is what it looked like when he was talking to me, coaxing me gently into doing the simplest of tasks. It was like Teddy was talking to a wounded animal or an infant. My mom just continued to stare right through Teddy as if he wasn't even there.
He got up suddenly and went to the nurses’ station. I couldn't hear what he was saying the nurse on duty but she looked over his shoulder, to my mom, nodded then walked off. She returned moments later with a wheel chair. She rolled it to where my mom was sitting and put up the brakes. I watched her as she unclipped a colorful, thick belt that hung around her waist and put it around my mom's torso and pulled on the extra rope until it was snug against her small frame. The nurse counted to three then lifted my mom to a standing position by using the belt. The lady turned so my mom was now standing in front of the wheelchair and was now being lowered into it.
"There you go. If you need any more help, don't hesitate to ask," she told Teddy.
Emma waited with my mom at a table for four while Teddy and I went through the line in the hospital cafeteria to get us dinner. Teddy got four trays and one the first on placed a turkey salad and bottle of water, the next two were the same; slices of greasy pizza and medium cups to be filled with sodas. On the fourth and last one Teddy put only applesauce onto the tray.
"Is that one mine?" I asked nodding towards the one with applesauce on it as he handed me two trays.
"No. The salad is yours."
"I'm not hungry."
"Do you want a bed beside Sam?" Teddy looked at me seriously. I shook my head meekly. "Then you're going to eat your damn salad."
"Fine," I mumbled, following Teddy to the register.
"I'm paying for all four of these," Teddy told the older gentleman as he produced a few bills.
Teddy and Emma talked as they ate their pizza and drank their sugary beverages. I tried to listen to what Emma had been saying while picking through my salad. Each time Teddy looked at me I made a point to take a bite until all that was left was the nasty water filled Iceberg lettuce. My mom hadn't touched her applesauce. Teddy took notice to it too.
"Joan, why don't you eat some of your applesauce?" He said as if she wasn't unresponsive.
Teddy didn't push her, instead he went back to the casual conversation with Emma that was sitting beside me. I couldn't continue to be here. Not with Sam still unconscious and certainly not with my mother acting like this.
"I'm fucking sick of this! Your daughter tried to kill herself because you are such a shit excuse of a mother! Stop acting like a victim and do the right thing for once in your life! Teddy shouldn't be holding us together, that is supposed to be your job!" I start to shout at her. Finally she raises her head to look directly at me but doesn't speak so I continue, "Why don't you do us all a favor and you go kill yourself? Then Sam, Emma and I can go live like the fucking Boxcar Children and then maybe we'll finally get to know what happy feels like!"
I stand, flipping my mom's tray of applesauce sending it into her lap. I give a few heavy and heated breaths before looking around to see that the cafeteria had grown silent and their attention was all on me. I gave Teddy a pained look before stalking out of the cafeteria and out of the hospital all together.
The things that I had said were mean but the worst thing about it was that I meant every bit of it.
♠ ♠ ♠