Rescue Me

Rescue Me – Ashley Purdy

She stared down at the blood in the sink, and the blood on her wrists. He hated it when she did this, and she always cut whenever they had an argument to get some release of the fear that he would leave her, and he would find out, like he always did, and she would deny it, she would deny that it was because of him and her insecurities; she couldn’t afford to show weakness.

Weakness was disgusting; it made you vulnerable and useless, and if there was anything Charlotte hated it was to be useless and vulnerable, she hated to be weak. She always felt vulnerable around Ashley, he could crack her shell and see the fear underneath, and it both terrified and excited her.

A part of her loved how he could see through her; maybe he would be the one to fix her, and make her feel loved again, like she was worth something. However, another part of her detested that he could see through her, as if he had x-ray vision, he could see the vulnerable part of her, her secrets and fears and if there was anything she had learned in her 25 years of life, it was that people always took advantage of your vulnerability, your trust, and crush it once you no longer had any use.

She refused to let it happen; Ashley had yet to leave her despite how much he should have, she had issues that completely destroyed her, and made her into a quivering mess hidden behind sarcasm and a cold, distant mask.

When she had first met Ashley on one of his tours, she had never expected him to want more than one night of passion, hell, she had expected never to hear from him again and that he’d pretend that he never knew her after the dirty deed, but that wasn’t the case. He kept coming back for more, and they didn’t talk, and it wasn’t until he started to leave for France that he asked her to be his girlfriend.

She had agreed out of curiosity, and she had kept up her one-night stands, and going to wild parties when she didn’t have work, but every night he sent her messages through facebook, and he would skype her. However, what she hadn’t expected was for him to remain faithful to her; a man-whore, faithful to a guiltless slut?

Charlotte never expected it, and after she found out, she tried to be loyal, she really did, but she was constantly lonely, and the only way she could allow herself any company was to find one-night stands and relish in the contact and pleasure without any of the pain. It hurt him, she knew that, and it wasn’t until he made her promise not to sleep with anyone else, did she keep it; she may be a slut but she always kept her word.

However, it wasn’t her this time that cheated, it was Ashley. It had hurt, but she had expected him to hurt her, really, a man-whore being faithful and happy with just one person? Un-fucking-likely. She had said nothing to him when he told her, and for several days she kept her silence, and she never stayed in their apartment at night, and she would always return smelling of alcohol and with yesterday’s rumpled clothes. She never spoke of the hurt she tried to push aside, or how she would cry after she had her "fun", or how guilty she felt for hurting him despite how he hurt her.

Eventually, he lost his temper.

“The hell Char?! You promised that you’d be faithful!” He had yelled as he stood up from the couch; he had waited all night for her, if the dark circles around his eyes was any indication. She almost felt sorry for him, but she didn’t give her heart to anyone (or so she thought), so she didn’t.

“Isn’t that a little hypocritical, Ashley?” She had asked, and she rubbed her eyes as she retreated into the kitchen to get a glass of water and some pain killers to soothe her hangover. “Besides, you obviously don’t need me, if you did you wouldn't have been in Juliet’s bed, now would you?”

She didn’t smile as he winced, she didn’t feel joy when she saw the shame and pain in his eyes. She had heard that Ashley had crawled into Juliet’s bed because he was hurting over her cold and distant nature; she didn’t like hugging, or holding hands and certainly no kissing in public, she barely acknowledged his existence outside of the house. He never understood, and it was her fault that Andy and Juliet were constantly fighting and it was her fault that Ashley and Andy could barely speak civilly to each other without a fight breaking out.

It was all her fault, she knew that, and as usual, she drank and fucked to distract herself from the pain and the shame, but it was always there to smack her in the face when she had to return to Ashley; she heard him cry at night but there was nothing she could do – she didn’t deal with feelings, she pushed them away and ignored them so she could continue to exist.

Feelings were dangerous, and Ashley was full of them, she didn’t want to talk to him right now, she was in too much of a state to think properly, and god forbid if she actually started crying.

“That’s different! You don’t even fucking care!” Ashley had roared at her, and he caught her thin wrist easily when she turned around and attempted to slap him. “You don’t give a fuck about anyone but yourself, Char.”

And it was then the dam burst. “If I didn’t care, then I wouldn’t have kept my promise to be loyal! I only slept with you until you went around and fucked Juliet! Why Juliet?! Why the hell did you have to go and mess around one of the few people I actually cared about?!” The tears fell from her eyes, and ruined the already smudged make-up and it trailed down her face like inky tears.

Ashley had fallen silent, and he said nothing.

“I’m not a cuddly person Ashley, and I don’t do feelings, feelings hurt you in the end, and you knew that! Why the hell did you try to pursue me if you can’t stand that about me, huh?!” She screamed in his face. “Why?! I know I’m worthless, there’s no need to throw it in my face, you asshole!”

She had ran away and hidden in the bathroom; the razors had helped to distract her from her feelings, and she realized how much she messed up. Had she managed to succeed in pushing him away this time? Would he leave her, like everyone else had?

She couldn’t call Juliet for advice; she was far more likely to scream abuse to the singer instead, and get Andy and the rest of the band to hate her even more than they already did. She was a mess, she was a slut who couldn’t bare to face her troubles, and her sins. She played the victim when really she was the one who messed everything up, she was worthless, weak.

If she wasn’t so weak and so god-damned attached to Ashley then she wouldn’t care, and she could move on with her life and drift aimlessly like she always had done. She could live her life without anything to hold her down, and she would be free.

“I want to be free,” she whispered as she pulled at her hair and her face twisted in anger at her reflection; she was a disgusting creature, she kept hurting him over and over again, and she hoped she really hadn’t fucked up beyond all return now. She needed him, more than she could ever say.

More than she would ever say.

The blood dripped from the cuts on her wrists and into her hair, staining the strawberry blond hair into a rusty orange colour. She sighed and she dropped to her knees and she bowed her head as she silently cried; she was a mess. Now her clothes were turning into a bloody mess now too, but she couldn't bring herself to care.

“Rescue me,” she whispered, pleading to no-one in particular. She wanted someone to save her, but she feared the change; would she be more vulnerable to lies and deception? Would she be broken even worse than she was now if she allowed herself to be fixed?

“Then let me help you,” Ashley answered from where he leant in the open doorway, he had waited for her to come out of her internal monologue before he approached her; she would be even more likely to scream and throw something at him otherwise. He wanted her, he could see the beauty in her that she tried to hide, he wanted to soothe her fears, and have her soothe his own so that maybe they could move on and enjoy the future, one that they would share.

She remained silent as he patched her up, and, like clock-work, Charlotte asked; “Why do you keep coming back?”

“Because I want you,” he replied, and he bit his tongue in effort not to scream how much he loved her, and how much she hurt him by not trusting him. But he wouldn’t do that, not yet, she wasn’t ready, and he wasn’t sure if he ever would be, but he wasn’t going to give up on her.

Charlotte smiled listlessly, her smile had no depth in it. She still felt cold to the bottom of her soul. But that’s what happens when you’re abused by your own father. “You’re a fool.”

Ashley remained silent as he bandaged her wounds, and once he was done, he pulled her close and cried into the crook of her neck. She said nothing, and he knew she cared at least a little when one of her hands clung to the back of his shirt and the other awkwardly patted his head in a vague resemblence of a comforting gesture.

He smiled through his tears; she cared, and he definitely won't give up on her now, not when he was so close to having her heart. The progress was slow, but progress was progress.

"I will rescue you," Ashley vowed to her.

"You can't, no-one can," Charlotte retorted. She had surprised him by responding, normally she just pretended not to hear him, but now she actually responded! He tried not to look as victorious as he felt; she was opening up to him.

"You don't know until you try," he told her patiently as his tears dried. He needed to be strong for her.

She remained silent before she pulled back to look him in the eyes, and despite her face being coated in black lines and salty trails of long dried tears, she looked beautiful to him, and her normally steely grey eyes were filled with pain and fear. "Stubborn ass," she muttered and the small smile tugging at the corner of her lips betrayed the hidden fondness behind the icy tone. "In that case, you should know..."

Charlotte bared her soul to him.

Ashley listened and comforted her.

She was still broken, but she was on her way to being healed. Ashley rescued her, and he was still rescuing her from her nightmares, and from herself. She couldn't say it now, but tonight, she realized that she really did love him. And that was enough.