Still Into You

If you were to look at the members of Avenged Sevenfold, who would you think was most likely to be the one with anger problems?

I found most would easily believe it was Matt. His muscles and the facade he puts on as lead singer makes it seem simple enough to think that he probably has the highest chance of blowing up for no reason. It’s not like his stage name, M.Shadows, helps his situation. But people don’t realize that being in their line of work, you have to separate how you act from the real you to a certain degree. On stage, Matt is a damn beast, but offstage he’s a giant teddy bear.

No, the one who really has what we'll classify as 'anger problems' is James Sullivan.

I know, I know. What the hell are you talking about? is exactly what you’re thinking. James Sullivan, The Rev, anger issues? Well yes, his name is quite the opposite of how you would think he was. Jimmy, which most people call him, seems playful enough. And his stage name, The Rev, still doesn't add up to my accusation. Reverends are leaders of churches, they’re supposed to be kind and patient with people. Well, James Sullivan is not such that way all the time.

James was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when he was only twelve. By a lot of medication and years of practice, he had learned to keep it under control for the most part while in public or around certain people. It wasn't until we started dated when he admitted to these things. Being the good friend and girlfriend I was, I told him it was fine and I understood. Which I did. And with this form of consent, he began to slowly show his true colors instead of hiding it from me all the time.

You have not experience true fear until you've seen James Sullivan in a “down mood” for the first time.

It was a very strange day when that happened. It was a few weeks, about a month, after that party. It was actually on Halloween night/November first's morning. We had gone to a ‘party’ hosted at Brian’s house. His dad, step mom, and half sister had decided to go visit his grandmother’s area. Apparently that area was on the high end so McKenna had quite the advantage to get enough candy that she would explode.

Now, Brian’s parents were actually pretty relaxed compared to a lot of adults their age. They knew we would do illegal things and they didn't try to stop us. They knew in the end that we would do it somewhere else where it would be more dangerous. Instead they did all they could to at least make us safe while doing said things. So when Brian mentioned a “small get together” with some of his friends, they agreed as long as no weed would be in the house. Of course we agreed to their terms. The guys decided on the loophole they’d use, the weed would be outside by the pool.

For once, however, Brian was serious about the number of people attending the party. After the last bash we attended, no one cared to have a large group. In the end it was just Brian, Zack, Matt, Val, Michelle (Val’s twin), Gena (a friend of the twins), James and I. By now I’m sure that you’re frustrated I never personally call James “Jimmy”, as you probably know him by. Well, I never really liked using Jimmy for whatever reason and he told me he didn't care what I called him.

So there.

It was a very silly reason for we had still decided to dress up, even with the lack of people. Zack, who absolutely adored the holiday, had threatened if we didn't dress up he’d desert us. Well, it wouldn't have been quite the same without everyone so we agreed to his childish request. I loved the idea because, due to my long, red (dyed recently) hair and James’s tallness and lankiness, we decided to dress as Jack and Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas, one of our favorite movies along with everyone else in the damn world. Of course my dress was a bit more form fitting than her’s, but it was still the same idea.

We spent most of the night laughing, drinking, and smoking. The weed was mostly between the boys and Gena as the rest of us simply treated to cigarettes. Though James did talk me into taking a hit or two, but didn't pressure me to continue with them. They didn't really need to in the end. Describing how I felt to James, he decided I was already high. Matt pointed out that it was strong stuff and I wasn't really used to the smoke in the air either. So I ended up with my head in James’s lap, grinning up at the stars for the large part of the night. The group continuously checked on me and talked in between these moments.

James kept looking down and smiling at me, affectionately petting my hair.

Nearing midnight we decided that we should leave. Brian’s parents would be back soon and we didn't want to bother them or risk waking McKenna who was, no doubt, passed out and would still be asleep when they returned. We all left in separate groups. Matt, Val, and Michelle went in one, Zacky and Gena in another, and James and I in the last. We decided I couldn't go home since I was still giggling like a schoolgirl every five seconds and James’s parents wouldn't be too happy about bringing a loopy girl home. On top of that, he was supposed to be staying at Matt’s house tonight anyways (another couple who wouldn't appreciate the state I was in), but he wanted to make sure I got home okay before he went there.

So we ended up going to Central Park. Luckily it was a Saturday so I didn't really have to worry about getting enough sleep for school the next day. By then it was getting chilly so James, being the gentleman he always was, slipped off his suit jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders. Since I was only 5’6 compared to his 6’2, the jacket was almost as long as my dress, stopping an inch or so above my knees. We walked hand in hand on the concrete path, my intoxicated mind still making everything seem much more magical than it really was.

I hadn't even realized that James had sat us down on a bench until I stopped zoning out and noticed the world wasn't moving past us anymore. I turned to James who had his head leaned over the back of the bench, staring at the sky. I giggling, joining in his position as I huddled into his side. I felt him tense up, which should have been an indication something was wrong, but my mind hadn't registered it at the time.

“I like you, James,” I spoke suddenly as I spotted a “heart” in the stars (In reality, my mind just made the small cluster of stars look like a heart). Now, I said like instead of love because it had only been a few weeks since we started dating. We weren't silly teens who claimed they were in love so early. We had a mutual agreement that until we both knew without a doubt that we were in love, we would just say we liked each other. James, however, didn't say anything as he continued to stare at the sky with unblinking eyes. I could feel my face beginning to droop from the smile it had recently held. “James?”

“Why do you keep calling me James?” he snapped, a scowl on his face as he turned to look at me. His usual playful stare held a seriousness I rarely saw, with a rage slowly building inside it. It made me sit straighter, staring forward now. “You sound like a stuck up snob or something that’s too good for me. You don’t called Matt ‘Matthew’ all the time.”

“Well, I just - ” I couldn't explain it, like I mentioned to you, why I never referred to James with his nickname. And like I also mentioned, he never cared what I called him before. Why he was suddenly so angry now I didn't understand. “I can call you Jimmy. It’s not a big deal.”

“You wouldn't want to. Or you may but then you’ll call me James again after a few days,” he sneered. He sat up to his full height, scooting away from me. “God, it’s like I’m kissing a fucking teacher who hates my guts. That’s the only people who call me James.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. I felt so nauseous. I don’t know where my James went but I wanted him back. Is this what he became after smoking? No, I had been around him countless times after he had smoked. I was beginning to wonder if this was just what he really felt about me and was just so tired of it he was cracking and exploding on me.

“You always are,” James mocked. It was true, I had a bad habit of saying those two words a lot even when it had been nothing to do with me. I just couldn't help it. Usually James laughed it off, kissed my forehead, and told me it was no problem and to not worry about it. Now he was just using it to bully me. And I say bully because there was still not a trace of humor anywhere on him.

“I’ll just leave then,” I spoke softly, standing to my feet and preparing to walk home. James jumped up too, tightly gripping my shoulders as he turned me around, and leaned down to get in my face.

“So you’re just going to run away, huh? Just like everyone else!” James shouted. By now I was shaking with fear. It had been so long since I had even thought I could be scared of him. Well, now I was. I tried to step away but his grip was much too tight. He may be a bean pole, but he had muscles hidden in there.

“Jimmy, please. You’re angry right now, I understand. I can leave and let you cool off.” I could tell everything I just said were the completely wrong things to say. His face twisted up in anger and his nails sank into my shoulders. If I hadn't been wearing his jacket, I’m sure they would have cut into them. My eyes were watering and I had to bite my inner cheek to stop the tears from flowing.

“No, you don’t! You don’t understand at all,” he hissed. “You’re just like the rest. I thought you were different from the other kids at school, the other girls I've met. I changed for you and you don’t even care about me!”

“I do!” I cried.

“Then say you love me!” I was quickly taken aback by this. His voice had cracked and his eyes were filled with desperation. I finally understood. This was what he had warned me about. This was his depressive side of his bipolar disorder. I could remember his warning now.

“When I’m on the bad end I just get so angry. I’m frustrated with myself, knowing that I’m letting myself get so depressed because of a stupid...disease. It’s like it controls me. But instead of getting angry at me, I lash out at other people. So please, Sonya, if I ever do it to you, don’t take what I say personally or believe I mean it. Just tell me whatever want. If I try to do anything you don’t like, just talk me down. Just...please, be there for me.”

With this in mind I relaxed against his touch. Staring into his eyes I firmly spoke, “I love you.”

He blinked dumbly at me, his grip loosening until his hands were just resting on my shoulders. Obviously he wasn't used to getting what he wanted when he was like this. “What?”

“I said I love you. And I’m not leaving you anytime soon, Jimmy.”

He just stared at me, in a loss for words. But, being the intense badass I was (ha), I kept his gaze for the whole three minutes he stared at me, keeping my blinks minimum. Suddenly he pulled me forward, wrapping his arms tight around my shoulders and burying my face in his chest. I took me a moment but I did hug him back. After few moments he pulled back, cupped my face between his hands, and began planting short kisses all over my face and lips. I started giggling until I heard him quietly muttering “I’m sorry” between each kiss.

“James, why - ”

“Fuck. How bad did I hurt you?” He quickly slipped the jacket off. I wanted to protest as I watched it hit the ground but he was too busy slipping up the sleeves on my dress. There was slight bruising, outlining the places where his fingers had been. His eyes began to tear up and I frowned.

“James, stop. It’s okay.”

“How is hurting you okay?” He demanded softly.

“Because you didn't mean it.”

“But I still did it.”

It was my turn to grasp his face and pull him to my level. “Stop this. It’s not your fault. I don’t care about them.”

He studied me for a few moments before walking backwards to sit on the bench again, pulling me onto his lap. He began to kiss at each outline that was left on my shoulders. After ten kisses he pecked my lips again. “You, Sonya Carruthers, are much too good for me.”

“And you, James Sullivan, are incredibly stupid for thinking so.”

“You are too,” James pouted. I chuckled, flicking his nose.

“No I’m not. Well all have problems. Therefore, I am not too good for you.”

So that was the first milestone in our relationship. We had many more, some due to his bipolar and some from normal things like having to cancel on one another. And then there were those few times one of us were grounded and couldn't see each other besides in school, which was nowhere near enough time. But we pulled through. He would always make it up to me if he did something out of hand, and visa versa.

I remember our first big makeup. Actually, it was from that night. It was the next weekend and to be honest, I had really forgotten the whole ordeal. It was one of those things you kind of just brush off and forget about because it didn't really matter. He had said stupid things and it didn't bother me. But it turns out that James hadn't felt quite the same on the situation.

I was lounging at home when the doorbell rang. I gave an exaggerated sigh and pulled myself off the couch where I had been watching Cartoon Network. My parents were out for their anniversary so it was just me at home for the day. I pulled the door open and nearly screamed as Matt ran in, tossing me over his shoulder, and ran back outside. I heard someone go inside my house but I didn't have time to look as Matt ran to a car and tossed me in the backseat.

“What the hell Matt?!” I exclaimed as I sat up. He slipped into the passenger seat and smiled. It was then I noticed that we were in Brian’s car. He was the only one who owned his own car. The only other person who ever got to drive a vehicle was Val when she borrowed her parents’ van. And, speak of the owner, Brian was now exiting my home and locking the door with my key. “What is going on?”

“It’s a surprise,” Brian sang as he climbed into the driver’s seat and backed out of my driveway.

“And I couldn't have changed, why?” I was only in basketball shorts, a tank, my flip flops, and let’s not even start on my hair. It was in a bun on my head with a thin headband holding my bangs back. I looked horrid and they kidnapped me like CIA agents. Yeah, what the hell, right?

“Because we were told to not let you,” Matt said simply as Brian turned up the radio which was playing Metallica. I knew he was trying to drown out my voice. I glared, leaning forward and smacking the volume dial, making it silent in the car.

“By who?” I demanded. Brian simply swatted my hand again and pressed the button again. As James Hetfield’s voice filled the car again I leaned back in my seat, arms crossed over my chest. I knew they weren't going to answer me and it was pointless to keep asking. And besides, it’s not like I could climb out of the car. Brian’s car only had two doors. Stupid sports car. I don’t care if it looked good, you had to worry about getting kidnapped by your best friends.

Soon we were pulling to a stop in front of Central Park. I frowned, unsure of what could be so important at a park. Too bad I still didn't have time to think about it. I was soon tossed over the hulk’s shoulder again. But this time Brian tied one of his stupid bandannas around my eyes. I squirmed against the grip on me, only causing Matt’s arms to lock tighter around my knees. “You guys do realize this gives a terrible idea to by passers?”

“There’s never anyone here on Saturday mornings. Now shut up, okay?”

I grumbled insults under my breath but followed Matt's demands. I hated this, I really did. I felt like I was getting motion sickness, something I had never had a problem with before. Why was I on the shoulder of one of my best friends, blindfolded, being carried who knows where? Most people would worry in these times, but I didn't need to worry. It was just the nauseousness fucking me up, y’know? As I think about it, this seems like something totally normal that my friends would do.

I really thought I’d never say that.

Soon I was placed on my feet again and turned to face some direction. “Stay” was all that was spoken before I heard the footsteps of Brian and Matt disappear. I fidgeted a little. Did they just leave me in the middle of Central Park? What is going on? As I opened my mouth to call them back, hands placed themselves on either shoulder. And, of course, I instantly freaked out.

“Hi, person I don’t know. Look, my friends are assholes, this isn't as weird as it seems.” Suddenly the bandanna was untied and before me stood none other than James. He was dressed in black jeans and a button up white shirt with a black vest over it. On his feet were his signature High Tops. I smiled softly, smacking him lightly in the stomach. “You jerk. Why’d you make them kidnap me?”

“Well I didn't say kidnap,” he argued. I raised an eyebrow as I placed my hands on my hips. He opened his mouth, paused, and sighed as he closed it again. “Okay, so I did say kidnap, but I thought you might get a kick out of it.”

“Oh, totally. I love getting flung over my friend’s shoulder in the morning,” I mocked. He chuckled, kissing my forehead. “What’s this all about anyways? You being up before noon is strange in itself, but you’re also in a nice little get up. Did you accidentally lose my bracelet again?”

“Nope. Got it right here.” James held up his left wrist, showing me the ball and chain bracelet that he had claimed. He’d always had his eye on it but now he had an excuse to steal it from me. Apparently it’s his way to show “he’s mine”. Yeah, that’s what you call pulling stuff out your ass, my friend.

“So then what’s going on?” He opened his mouth and I quickly stopped him, placing a finger to his lips. “Wait, more important, why couldn't I change?”

“I wanted to see you in your natural beauty,” James spoke, kissing the tip of the finger that was on his lips. I smiled softly at him. I was still a bit annoyed, but he was just too adorable. “Now, onto the matter of why we’re here.”

I glanced around to see us on the path of the park. I knew this area, actually. It was the entrance to The Spot. It was a small area that Brian and James had found one day. We made it our own cozy getaway. What could be so important here, I don’t know. But I was definitely going to find out. After a peck on the nose, James stepped behind me and covered my eyes with his hands. I giggled, squeezing his hands.

“Raise your foot a little higher. Don’t worry, it’s just a rock there.” This was how James led me in. Finally he stopped and so did my movements. “Okay, on three I’ll let you see again. One, two, three.”

When he let go I couldn't help but gasp. In the center of the logs and stumps we used for seats was a purple blanket laid across the ground with a picnic basket. Across said logs and stumps were at least three dozen roses and heart confetti. I giggled at the strange layout. In the middle of Central Park was a cute picnic. Much different from the usual druggies that loitered the area.

“You giggled.” James stepped around to look at me with a deep frown on his face. “You shouldn't giggle. You don’t like it, do you?”

“No, no. I love it.” I raised to my tippy toes and kissed his lips. He quickly recaptured them as I tried to leave and I granted him a deep kiss. When we finally parted I was smiling widely. “It’s beautiful.”

“Well then, m’lady, shall we?”

We then just sat and ate the lunch he had prepared. It was simply peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with an assortment of fruits but it was still touching either way. By the afternoon we were laying on our backs, my head resting on his chest with our fingers intertwined, talking and staring at the sky. I had thought it plenty of times, but this was the first time I had no doubts.

James was the one.